Shaking from the cold and my wet underclothes, I wasn’t sure how I’d go riding my bike, and I didn’t want to end up a casualty on the side of the road. I pulled my mobile phone from my pocket. I had a couple of messages from him, each one more panicked than the last and the final one saying he was heading home with Dad. I wanted to put his mind at ease and warn him what I needed to do, so I called him.
“Darlin’, are ya okay?”
“Yeah, I didn’t mean to run off, I just needed—” I cut off, unsure how to finish. There were so many things I needed. “I just needed Angel back.”
“Where are ya?”
“Where she found me last time. At Cedar Creek Falls. I’m heading home now, but I wanted to let you know where I’m coming from in case I’m not home soon. At least that way you’ll know which way to send the search party. Can you let Dad know I’m okay? I don’t think I can talk to him at the moment.”
“Did ya need me to come pick ya up?”
“No, I’ll be okay. I just didn’t want you to worry. I’ve screwed up enough lately.”
“Darlin’—”
I didn’t know what he was going to say, but I didn’t want to be comforted. “I’ll be home soon.”
I didn’t push my bike—or myself—to the limits as I headed home. By the time I got there, the chattering in my teeth was so pronounced it echoed through my helmet, and my body shook with shivers so violent I could barely park the bike. Beau was beside me before I could. He helped me steady everything and switched off the ignition.
I climbed off the bike but couldn’t make my fingers work enough to unfasten my helmet. Beau rested his hands on my shoulders. “You’re freezing.”
My teeth clinked together as I said, “I-I w-went i-in the w-water.”
He made short work of the fastening of my helmet and then pulled it off.
“Come on.” He grabbed my hand and led me inside.
Where my hand connected with Beau’s, I felt life and warmth returning slowly. Pins and needles burned my fingertips. He took me straight through to the bathroom where he peeled my clothes off.
His gaze passed over me. “You’re covered in goosebumps. We need to get ya warm.”
He wrapped a towel around me and then left and came back with my dressing gown, wrapping that around me as well.
“Come,” he instructed, leading me to the dining table. “Sit.”
He wrapped a blanket over the top of everything else I had on before heading for the kitchen. Moving around the kitchen, he heated some milk for me and brought me a hot Milo.
For a moment, I stared at the drink. It had been something of a tradition for Angel to make one when she heard me in the shower. It was our thing. Had she told Beau that or had he noticed that it was my preferred go to for morning drinks?
I wrapped my hands around the mug and let the warmth come back into my fingers.
“This is a little like the night everything changed,” I said.
He frowned.
“The night the truth came out, I was freezing, and you fed me cocoa.”
“It didn’t change everythin’, I still had to fight for ya.”
I apologised again for the things I’d done and said when I’d last been at his property in Georgia.
“Where’s all this comin’ from, darlin’?”
I broke down. “I don’t want to lose you too. I wouldn’t survive it. The months where I didn’t have you or Angel, they were so dark. I didn’t know how to bring myself back from the edge.”
The words he was going to say were lost as I placed the mug on the counter and leapt for him. He stroked his hand over my hair as I cried against his chest.
“It’ll get better, darlin’, I promise.”
I hoped he was right, but couldn’t see it with my Angel out of my life.
IN SOME ways Beau was right. With the lead-up to Christmas, I was able to throw myself into other tasks and ignore the gaping hole in my chest. Things were better.
Not great, but better.
Dad took my advice and spoke to Veronica. I wasn’t sure where things would go between them, but I’d done what I could to bring her into the fold. Shortly after, she called me again. We didn’t say too much but promised to keep in touch regardless of what happened with Dad.
I had down days though. Like the day when the present I’d ordered for Angel for Christmas turned up—a week before the big day. I’d purchased her a new lens for her camera. It wasn’t cheap, but the money didn’t matter. What mattered was the reminder that I couldn’t give it to her. I couldn’t see her smile when she got that one piece of equipment she’d been saving up to buy for months.
Instead of returning it, I put it on the shelf at the top of my wardrobe. Maybe one day, I would be able to give it to her. I wasn’t hopeful though; her actions had left little room for doubt over the certainty in her decision.
We spent Christmas day with my family. Every time I met his gaze, Beau looked far happier than the previous year. When I considered the reasons for that, I stopped in my tracks. This time last year not only were Beau and I fighting, but his sister’s life was slipping away. I was determined to give him the ideal Christmas, no matter the personal cost.
“Did you have a good day?” I asked when we got back home. He was away from all of his friends, and the only home he’d ever known, all for me.
“Are ya kiddin’, darlin’? It was the best Christmas I’ve had in a long time. Maybe ever.”
“Best Christmas ever. Really?”
“I ain’t ever had a proper family Christmas before. It was nice. Seein’ the looks on your siblin’s faces as they opened their presents and listenin’ to the carols. And that food . . .”
“What about with Mabel and Abby?”
“We were a bit old for the whole Santa thing. I actually don’t remember ever doin’ it.”
“You’ve never really talked much about your life before you went to Mabel.”
“’Cause there ain’t much to talk about.”
“What about your mum?”
“I can’t remember too much about her. I was so young when she passed away that I only have vague memories. I remember bein’ happy, but after she was gone, I got so angry at the world. Your family . . . it’s what I’d dreamed a havin’ growin’ up.”
“Sometimes I think I didn’t appreciate them as much as I could have. Especially when I was younger. Meeting—” I stopped mid-sentence when it occurred to me what I was about to say. “I mean when I was a teenager that changed, and I realised how special they really were.”
Beau didn’t say anything about my pause or ask what had changed. I was certain he understood that I was going to say that seeing Angel’s home life made me appreciate mine so much more.
“I heard from Angel the other day, she’s doin’ well in her new job.”
I nodded but didn’t respond. It wasn’t that I didn’t care; it just hurt too much to talk about her. A month had passed since she’d left and I still hadn’t heard a single word from her even though she’d been in pretty regular contact with Beau. He’d told me he’d stop talking with her if it made me uncomfortable, but it didn’t feel right to cut off her one link back home.
Like always when her name came up, Beau frowned at my expression and then changed the subject again. I think he was waiting for the day he could tell me about her new life and it wouldn’t cause me pain. That day was never going to come though. I was happy that she was finding happiness, but I wanted to hear it from her mouth. I wanted her to call me up and laugh about something her new workmates had done, or tell me about the office hottie.
Trying to put the thoughts of Angel—the fact that we weren’t going to see each other for Christmas for perhaps the first time since we’d met—out of my mind, I called Veronica to wish her a Merry Christmas. She thanked me, both for the call and for trying to help her get back into Dad’s life. Although he was still somewhat reluctant to let her in, he was at least acknowledging that they were related and had sta
rted answering her calls.
For New Year’s Eve, Beau and I spent the night in to watch the fireworks on TV. Mum and Dad had gone into Southbank with my family, but there was no way I was going to brave the crazy crush of people just to watch a few bangs in the sky. My anxiety wouldn’t be able to cope, even if I could. The night Beau and I had planned was better and more representative of the way we wanted to spend the rest of the year—wrapped in each other’s arms making as many fireworks of our own as we ignored the ones on the screen.
When Emmanuel Racing started again after the holidays, I spent a few days alone at home before I started to go insane. The long hours with no one to talk to, and no other sounds to distract me, was too similar to . . .
I couldn’t do it.
At least when I was at Mum and Dad’s place, the noise was constant. I hadn’t needed music or TV to distract me, but the sound of Mum moving around and cleaning or working in her office had been enough. At Beau’s, nothing worked. I’d relied so much on Angel for companionship, even when she’d been in another room and we hadn’t been spending time together.
Aside for worsening the ache of Angel’s absence, the lonely house made one other thought echo through me throughout the first few weeks of January. I tried to ignore it, but it wouldn’t go away that easily. It was insidious, striking when I was at my weakest. It followed the same pattern, and yet I couldn’t break it.
I would use the racing simulator and put in as many hours as I physically could each day, to push everything from my mind, but there were only so many laps of the various tracks I could race without sending myself insane.
When I couldn’t do anymore pretend driving each day, I would find myself on Facebook. First, I would check for Angel’s profile. When I’d find it missing—blocked—I would go to Cassidee’s. Hers was full of photos of Hope. It was easier to look at her photos than ones of Georgia because even though it had happened while I was gone, Hope was born before I knew I was pregnant.
As I scrolled through the photos, I found one of my hands drifting over my stomach as longing grew. The pangs I’d had standing beside Georgia’s cot struck me again.
Each day, the sensation grew stronger until I couldn’t resist the call anymore. I swapped my medication to the pregnancy friendly one and went to see Dr Reins a few days later, as he’d requested. I would need to run it by Beau before going off the pill, but I wanted to be ready for the yes if it came.
When Beau came home that night, I had a candlelit dinner waiting for him.
“What’s this about?” He trailed slowly through the room with his head cocked to one side.
“Sit.”
“Uh-oh, this sounds serious.”
I sat across from him and waited for him to take his place. My heart hammered so hard my pulse beat against my eardrums. My hands twisted around the paper napkin in front of me.
“I know I’m contracted to be in the car this coming year,” I started.
Beau just stared at me, silently taking in my words.
“But how would you feel about stepping in if it became necessary?”
“Why would it become necessary?”
I tore a corner of the napkin off. “I’ve given it a lot of thought, more than my sanity can take in fact, and I’ve decided I really do want to try for a baby.”
He stared at me.
“I know what you said about the check-ups, and I appreciate you bringing that up because it means I can prepare for them. I can talk coping techniques with Dr Bradshaw, but I don’t think I’ll need them with you at my side.” I stood and rounded the table before taking a seat on his lap. “Beau, despite everything we’ve been through, or maybe because of it, you give me a strength that I’d thought I’d never have again. You gave me a dream I barely believed I would ever see. Despite the losses I’ve had lately, I can see a brightness in my future I would’ve believed impossible last May.”
Beau’s fingers trailed through my hair as I spoke.
“More than anything, you’ve given me hope for a future that I’d given up on even before . . . everything. I never thought I’d get to be a mother. I never thought I’d have a family of my own. Now that I know it’s a possibility, no matter how slight the chance or how dangerous it might be, I want it.” I spun so that I was straddling his legs. Shifting forward, I positioned myself so my forehead rested against his. “At least, I want to try for it. What do you think? Do you want to have a—”
Before I could even ask the question, his lips were on mine. His hand caressed my cheek as he guided me closer. The passion he poured into the kiss stilled my breath.
“Is that a yes?” I asked.
“Ever since ya first said it was a possibility, I’ve been burnin’ for it, darlin’. When Cass arrived on my doorstep pregnant and afraid, I thought about givin’ her child the life I’d always wanted. The only thing missin’ when I pictured that life was you.” He pressed his hand against my stomach as if there was already life brimming inside. “When your daddy told me about the baby, I saw the life we mighta had if things had been different. I saw the flashes of what our baby mighta looked like. I woulda been thrilled. That ain’t changed. The only thing I didn’t want was for you to be hurt because of it. I wasn’t lyin’ when I told ya I would be happy with whatever you could give me. If you decided—”
I pressed my fingertip against his lips. “So that’s a yes?”
“Heh, it’s a hell yeah. When can we start?”
His enthusiasm gave me a moment of pause. What if I let him down because I couldn’t fall pregnant? Dr Reins had said it might be difficult because of the existing decline in my kidney function. I was stable, but far from optimal health.
Beau seemed to sense the shift instantly. “What I mean is, darlin’, I’m ready when you’re ready. What are ya gonna tell your daddy?”
“What do you mean?”
“About why you ain’t gonna be in the car. Are we gonna tell him the truth?”
“I’m going to be in the car still. I’m contracted, and I want to do it.”
“It ain’t exactly healthy for the baby.”
“The baby doesn’t exist yet”—I scrunched my nose—“and might not for a year, or more, or ever. I’m not going to walk away from racing until things are definite.”
“But the danger of the harness, and what if you—”
“I’ll keep an eye on things. If I think, even slightly, that I could be pregnant, I’ll go get a blood test. They can tell super early these days, and the instant I’m pregnant, I’ll stop racing.”
His mouth twisted from one side to the other. “I dunno if I’m happy about that.”
“I won’t do anything that would risk the baby, Beau. I-I just wouldn’t.”
As if he could see deep into me, it seemed to dawn on him why I wouldn’t do anything that would risk our child’s safety. “Okay. So long as ya promise.”
“Cross my heart.” I drew a cross on my shirt.
“Okay, darlin’. Let’s do this. Who knows, maybe I’ll have a surprise for my birthday.”
I grabbed my pill box and plucked out the contraceptive pill nestled in among the others. Grinning at Beau as butterflies danced in my stomach, I threw it in the bin.
We were actually going to do this.
I could only hope life wouldn’t take too long to grant my wish.
FEBRUARY STARTED OFF with a series of odd events. It started with the anniversary of the interview with the Racing Hub—and the day Xavier had stolen my life from me. I’d spent the day in bed. Even Beau couldn’t draw me out of my funk.
A few days later, it was Beau’s birthday, and I tried what I could to be happy and present despite the thoughts of what I was going through a year earlier. The reality of what I was facing was still barely sinking in. Part of me had expected the police to burst through the door and save me at any moment.
To celebrate Beau’s birthday properly, Mum and Dad insisted on having a party for him. I faced the day, and our extended family, with
as much bravado as I could. It was getting to be a little easier to be around people, but I still needed my space throughout the day. Beau and I called it early and headed back to our place for a private birthday celebration.
Valentine’s Day was difficult. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend and have some fun, but I couldn’t even leave the house without running into a series of reminders of the roses and chocolates Xavier had brought me thinking it would sway me to his side despite his kidnapping me. Part of him had been utterly convinced I was in love with him even after everything he’d done.
The start of the race season in March came far too quickly. I’d done everything I could do mentally and physically to prepare myself for the rigours of being the lead driver. In the weeks leading up to the event, I had a raft of interviews to attend. Some I had to do solo, some with David Weston. All of it left me exhausted and emotionally drained, especially when my period came and went in February and March with the regularity it had while I was on the pill.
While I was at the track, I focused. At first, I struggled because it was all a reminder that Angel was the one who’d inspired me to treat each lap as if it was the most important of the race. That fact made it harder to focus when she wasn’t there to cheer me on when the technique worked.
The life I shared with Beau boiled down to domesticity, determined focus on each upcoming race, and having sex as often as possible. Each month that passed without success made me feel like more of a failure than I did crashing out of a race. I hadn’t let Beau see yet, but I’d spent many mornings crying in the bathroom over yet another negative test.
Before I knew it, it was May, and we were at Winton Motor Raceway getting ready for the fifth race in the calendar. I was doing okay in the championships—third overall—but wanted to do better.
Angel’s technique demanded better.
I owed her better.
After struggling to get my shoes and gloves on over some mild swelling in my feet and hands, I pushed myself hard during the qualifying run on Saturday. I was determined to get the points and prestige of pole position. Only when I climbed from the car, I felt a little light-headed. It was something that had been happening with a little more frequency over the previous week, and I had barely hoped to believe it could be a sign that things were finally going right.
Phantom (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #5) Page 14