It was only as the preparations for the next race started at the beginning of June that it really struck me that I might have been in the car for the last time. For so long, everything I was, everything I had done, was defined by the end goal of being in a ProV8 and I’d barely lasted a few races in the car before being forced into retirement. It didn’t seem likely that I’d end up back in the car at all, not if it took me too long to get better. Even then, I didn’t know if I’d want to risk my health again for the sake of the races—if Dad would even let me.
Because of his racing prep, my doctor appointments, and the tight two and a half month time frame before the wedding, Beau and I agreed to let Cassidee, Joe, and Mitch handle the majority of the wedding preparation. That way they could use their local contacts to get everything settled. With everything else out of our hands, we made an invite list. We agreed to invite most of my family and friends, as well as those of Mum and Dad’s friends and connections who’d always been a big part of my life. I was certain very few of them would actually want to go that far just to watch Beau and I exchange vows though, especially when saying the words wouldn’t change what we meant to each other or the way we lived our lives.
We arranged it all the weekend before Beau went away so that writing the invites would give me something to focus on while he was away. Because the race weekend fell on my birthday, Beau tried to insist I go to Darwin with them, but between the flights, the heat—even in the middle of winter, and everything else going on, I didn’t want to travel.
In the quiet house, I celebrated my birthday alone writing out invites. When it came to Angel’s invite, I wrote a letter to go along with it. I kept it as impersonal as I could, but let her know how much I wanted her there. How I would have her as my maid of honour if she would agree to come, but also absolving her of any guilt if she decided not to come. I didn’t want her to feel pressured to go somewhere she didn’t really want to be, but I also didn’t want to be the reason she didn’t go to her new best friend’s wedding.
On a different piece of paper, I wrote another letter. This one went deeper, far beyond my desire to have her at my wedding. In it, I told her about my kidney issues and apologised again for how much pain I’d caused her through my inability to deal with my own pain. I begged for forgiveness and to be included in her life again. It was the letter I could never send but held everything I wanted to say.
I left all the completed invites on the coffee table, open and waiting for the RSVP cards that Beau and I would be collecting from the printer sometime after he got back from Darwin.
Drained from the emotions I’d poured into the letter to Angel, I headed to bed. To ensure the letter didn’t get sent by accident, I put it on the dresser in my room. I’d only just set it down when there was a knock on the door.
When I glanced out the bedroom window to see who it was before I went near the door, I smiled. I raced to the door.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked as I tugged it open.
Mum stood in front of a pram with Nikki, Beth, Parker, and Brock around her. Beth held a cake in her arms.
“You didn’t think we’d let you spend your birthday alone, did you?” Mum said.
I invited them all in, ready to forget my troubles for a few hours. Once everyone was settled, I brought out my laptop and showed her the selection of dresses I’d picked out online for my wedding dress. It struck me hard once again that Angel wouldn’t be around for my big day or to help me out in the weeks leading up to it. After seeing the dresses, Mum gushed about them all. When she told me her favourite—which was the same as mine—I placed the order straight away. There was no point waiting and risking the dress not arriving in time.
Overall, it was a better birthday than I’d expected to have. Made even better when Beau called me to wish me a happy birthday too, even though he’d said it before he left. I fell asleep with him on the other end of a Skype call.
Within a few weeks, the RSVPs started to come back in. To my surprise, the majority of people said they would be going. So many that I started to worry about whether the retreat would even have enough rooms to accommodate them all. I tried to leave that worry to Beau though as I watched carefully for one RSVP in particular.
One by one, things came together. Dr Reins gave me clearance to leave the country and a list of medications that I could show to customs. The plane tickets arrived from Aubrey; Dad had arranged them as a wedding gift. A few days later, my wedding dress turned up. Two weeks before our flight, everything was as arranged as it could be. We would arrive a little under a week before our wedding to ensure there were no final issues, but most of our guests were arriving the day before. With every day that passed, Beau got more excited, and I understood it. For him, he was finally getting it all. My health was stabilising, he was in control of a ProV8 and back out on the track doing what he loved, and we were about to become man and wife.
For me though, things weren’t quite so rosy. I had lost all identity. I no longer knew who I was or what I would do beyond the wedding. The ProV8 dream was out the window. Motherhood was out of reach. My best friend was gone. I had nothing—I was nothing. Worse, I couldn’t even tell anyone how I felt. Dr Bradshaw should have been my confidant, but I spent most of my session time talking about everything else. I couldn’t say anything to break the spell that kept the mile-wide smile on Beau’s face though. On top of everything else, I couldn’t find the letter I’d written for Angel and the one RSVP I wanted to see more than any other hadn’t shown.
Near the end of July, Veronica called me and let me know she was in town again and asked if Beau and I would like to catch up. Because Beau was due at Queensland Raceway for the next meet, and I was spending the weekend out there with him, I invited her along. Dad wasn’t overly happy about giving her a pass, but he did so, reluctantly. Instead of hanging around in the pits, I headed to the corporate box with her. There, I was finally able to pour my heart out, and Veronica acted like the perfect stand-in for Angel. Not that it helped too much. All she could do was reassure me that things would get better once I had my health back under control.
Angel would have helped me, even if it was just by telling me to pull my head out of my arse. And yet, she still hadn’t RSVP’d to the wedding. I almost longed for her to say she couldn’t make it just so I had some contact with her. Anything to show she still cared for the things we had shared, at least a little.
At the end of the weekend of racing, Beau came in fifth. It gave him a few positions in the championship, but he was still close to the bottom of the table in the championship. He didn’t seem bothered by the result though. When I quizzed him, he said there were more important things in life than racing. For him and Dad though, I hoped it was enough to prove to the sponsors that he had what it took to be near the top. With more practise on the tracks, he would only improve.
I tried to tell him how proud I was of what he’d achieved, but he just told me that his result didn’t matter in the light of the win he had coming soon—our wedding.
By the time I climbed onto the plane to start the trek to Georgia, any smile on my face was forced and fake. I was going through the motions when all I wanted to do was run from the world and hide in the darkness. I did it all for Beau.
He’d given up on asking if I was happy, I think he realised I wasn’t but didn’t know how to help. He’d even given me an out and said we could still call off the wedding if it wasn’t what I wanted. When I told him that I did want it, he nodded and kept moving things forward. I was certain he could see through my mask though.
I survived the journey with sleeping tablets. I probably should have avoided them, but I’d discussed the pros and cons with Dr Reins and had strict dosages to stick to. Those dosages were enough to knock me on my arse most of the main flight to LAX. The whole time, Beau tried to hold me close and draw a genuine smile out of me, but I didn’t have any left.
AFTER ALMOST A day and a half of travelling, we landed at Atlanta airport.
We headed straight to the counter to organise the hire car. Once we were inside, I curled up on the front passenger seat and sent Mum a text to let her know we’d arrived safely as Beau drove the last leg of our journey. Then I stared out the window and withdrew from everything.
Just as I started to recognise the area, Beau pulled over.
“Last chance to back out, darlin’,” he said.
I snapped to attention. “What do you mean?”
“If ya don’t wanna marry me anymore, there’s still time to call it off.”
To reassure him, I ran my hand over his cheek. “Of course I want to marry you, Beau.”
“Then what is it, darlin’? I’ve been waitin’ for ya to start smilin’ the way I know ya can, for ya to look like you wanna be doin’ this, but it ain’t happened. If anythin’, your smile has died a li’l more every day.”
“I want to do this. I really do. Among everything I’m dealing with, it’s the one thing I am sure of. I guess I’ve just had a hard transition.”
“Transition?”
“From being Phoebe Reede to being . . .” I waved my hands over my body. “This.”
“What d’ya mean, darlin’?”
“It’s nothing. Let’s just do this.”
“Darlin’, if there’s anythin’ makin’ ya unhappy, ya need to let me know. I don’t wanna make ya unhappy.”
I stared out the window, trying to think of the best way to say the things that had been spinning around inside of me. “I guess I’m just feeling a little lost after losing so much so fast, and I don’t know how to resolve it.”
“What would fix that, d’ya think?”
“This trip away will help. I hope.” I turned towards him and leant against his hand when he reached for me. “I really am happy to be marrying you. I just”—I twisted away again—“wish Angel was here. This feels like the sort of thing she should be with me for.”
“Maybe she’ll surprise you.”
“I doubt it.” I dropped my forehead to the window. “She didn’t even bother to RSVP to say she wouldn’t come. I thought that even if she were willing to walk away from me, she would be more loyal to you than that.”
He brushed his hand over my back, stroking lovingly. “Things will get better.”
I leant back against his hands. “I know. I just need to figure out my new goals for my life. I’ve lost or had to set aside every dream and desire I’ve ever had except for you.”
“We’ll sort it out. Together.”
“Yeah. I know.” I didn’t mean to sound so dismissive, but I hated making him feel bad “Can we go to the Lake Retreat now? I just need a shower and some sleep after that trip.”
His hand left my back, and he put the car into gear. Before long, he jumped out of the car to get the keys to what had been his house until he’d left to come to Australia.
After climbing back in the car and handing me one of the keys, he headed closer to the house to park. We unloaded our bags and carried them to the door. When he put the key in the door, he paused for a moment and ran his hand over the door.
“Are you regretting selling?” I asked.
“Not at all. It ain’t my home no more. I’m just realisin’ this might be the last time I come here.” As he said the last word, he pushed the door open. “Ya wanted a shower and a nap, didn’t ya?”
“A shower for sure. Then, I guess I’ll see how I feel.”
“I was fixin’ to go for a walk down near the pier if ya wanna. I think it might energise ya. Maybe we can even check out the lake.”
“Okay. Give me ten.” I would’ve invited him to share the shower with me, but I needed some time to myself for a while. Hopefully that would be enough to breathe some life back into me.
I showered and changed into a new outfit before going in search of Beau. I found him in the kitchen and crossed straight to him. Before he could question it, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and buried my face against his neck. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a shitty travel partner. Well, a shitty person, in general, the last few months. It’s just been hard.”
“I know, darlin’.”
“Thank you for putting up with me.”
“I told ya before, bein’ ’round you on your worst day, is still better than bein’ ’round ’most anyone else.”
“And I really thought I’d hear something from Angel.” As we talked, we left the house and retraced some of the steps we’d taken when we spent the day together my first time in the States. We both walked slower as we headed past the small cabin that had housed his sister. I had no idea if it was now being used as normal rental or closed up and left as something like a shrine. I didn’t want to ask either.
“There’s still time.”
I shook my head. “It’s too late now. I just never imagined I would be heading down the aisle on my wedding day without her as my maid of honour.”
When we reached the pier, Beau gave me a questioning look as he looked at the rowboat.
“The guys have been keepin’ real good care of her if you’re fixin’ for a trip out on the lake.”
After Beau had suggested we go on this trek, I had put my swimmers on. Although I wasn’t sure I wanted to get wet, heading out onto the lake was a no brainer. The peace I’d found each time Beau had rowed us out there was worth it all.
“Getting in a rowboat on a perfectly still lake with you . . .” I trailed off and moved closer to him.
He grinned. “Terrifying?”
Shaking my head, I rested my hand on his chest. “Perfect. It’s just taken me this long to realise it.”
I led him over to the boat and showing him I had no fear of him or of the time, I stepped straight in and sat down waiting for him to come in behind me. When he had, I shifted so that I was on his lap. As I did, I recalled his words from the last time we headed out onto the lake about it being his favourite position
He spent a moment with his arms wrapped around me, holding me in place, before grabbing the oars and rowing us to the middle of the lake.
It wasn’t long before we were settled in the familiar position lying on the bottom of the boat. Our trip out onto the water was the perfect representation of the new peace we’d found in our relationship. We were wrapped in each other’s hold, facing the world from a place of stillness and calm. The boat could rock, it could even tip over completely, but we had each other to hold on to. Feeling sentimental, I voiced that opinion to Beau who held me tighter and confirmed he felt the same.
It was the way we should’ve been from the very beginning. Everything I wanted.
“Are ya fixin’ to get wet?” Beau asked, pushing himself into a seated position.
“Are you trying to get lucky?” I teased.
“I’m already the luckiest man on Earth.”
“I think you give me too much credit.”
He brushed his hand over my cheek. “And I don’t think ya give yourself enough.”
With care to not rock the boat too much, he rolled onto his back, and his hand closed around my left hand, his fingers brushing over my engagement ring before he guided my hand to rest over his heart.
“I think I’ll give the swim a pass for today,” I said as I rested my head on his chest, right next to my hand. “This is too nice, and I’m too tired.”
“Okay, darlin’. We’ve got plenty of time if you change your mind.”
It wasn’t long before I was drifting off to sleep still leaning against his chest. Not wanting to end up completely sunburned and risk being the colour of a lobster when I walked down the aisle, I told Beau it was probably time to head back in.
When I found my position on his lap to row back to shore again, he grinned. “This was a much nicer boat ride than the last time we were out here.”
“I don’t know; I have some fond memories of that one.”
He grinned at me. “I wanted to kiss ya so badly.”
“I wanted you to kiss me so badly. I can’t believe I ever let that arsehole keep us apart.”
“Ya weren’t to know. I was fooled by the act too. If I didn’t feel the way I do about ya, I probably woulda walked away thinkin’ you were in good hands.”
A shiver raced down my spine and my breath shortened. Even sitting on Beau’s lap was causing my pulse to race. “Can we change the subject?”
“Course, darlin’. When d’ya wanna go over the plans for Saturday with everyone?”
I shrugged. “I honestly couldn’t give a crap what plans they’ve made. It’s going to be everything I want because it’ll be my chance to give something back to you for once instead of only taking.”
The set of his lips warned me that there was a lecture on its way, no doubt about how I was already giving him so much. I didn’t want to get into that argument though, so I pressed my lips against his.
“Let’s just go back to the house and head to bed for a while. I really am starting to feel the jetlag.”
When we reached the pier, he tied off the boat and helped me out of the boat before following behind. I was a little surprised I hadn’t seen any of the staff that I’d met the last two times I was there, but I figured Beau had probably warned them to give me my space.
Hand in hand, we walked back to the house. I froze when we were just a few metres from the door.
A single red rose, the petals dead and wilted, rested on the doorstep.
“What the fuck?” My body shook at the reminder of the “gifts” that had been left for me by Bee long before he started his campaign of torture. On top of the conversation at the lake, it was too much.
“What is—” Beau cut off when he caught the direction of my gaze.
“Bee—Bee left things—” I couldn’t find the words or move to grab the flower. “Who would do this?”
Beau was already on the phone, talking to someone—I guessed Mitch or Joe—about the gift. His voice was a low growl as he tried to figure out who the hell might have left it, and why. Was it a genuinely nice gesture or some sort of threat? Why that flower? Why there?
Phantom (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #5) Page 17