“I’m sorry for kissing you and then walking away like I did. I know it wasn’t easy on you. On either of us. It . . . It was just too much being around you two lovebirds twenty—”
I pressed my finger against her lip. “I’ve had plenty of time to consider everything about us, and if I’m absolutely honest with myself, I think I probably had a suspicion that you felt the way you did but didn’t want to ruin the peace we’d found after our first fight. Acknowledging the truth would’ve meant I risked losing you.” I rested my head on her shoulder. “And the one thing I never wanted was to lose you.”
She remained silent as I spoke, and although I wanted to know what she was thinking, I couldn’t risk a glance in her direction or I might never get out the things I wanted to say.
“I’ve always said I don’t want to do life without you in it, my Angel, but then I had to. And it threw some things into perspective for me. Lots of things. In a weird way, I think it even helped me recover. Because I had to.”
With my peripheral vision, I watched her nod, but she still didn’t speak. Perhaps she sensed I wasn’t anywhere near done with my say just yet.
“I love you,” I said. The words cracked as they left, breaking into pieces in the air between us. “That hasn’t changed, and I don’t think it ever will. But I’m not attracted to you. Part of me wishes I was because this whole thing would’ve been so much easier from the start if I had been. You . . . you’re like a sister to me. And I understand if that’s not enough for you.”
I wasn’t sure how I would feel if the situations were reversed. Or if I’d had to be just friends with Beau while he romanced someone else. My stomach tied into knots at the thought. I closed my eyes to squeeze back the tears that were brewing again.
“Can I say something now?” Angel asked as she reached for my hand. An air of amusement lit her tone.
I turned to assess her expression.
“Do you remember when I told Beau that you broke my heart?”
It had been the night everything changed—the night of the bonfire when she’d brought me to Georgia. A night I’d turned over in my mind more than any other as I searched for all the clues I’d missed, or ignored, that would have warned me what was coming. I’d always thought she’d stopped because I was a bad kisser, but since learning the truth, I’d tried to figure out what I’d actually done wrong. “Yeah. I remember.”
“I never told you that, but there was more truth in those words than I could have ever admitted before. It was at the moment of our first kiss that I realised we could never be together. That’s why I stopped. Why I ran away. Because I couldn’t tell you the truth.”
“What was the truth?” I suspected I knew it but wasn’t willing to assume, just in case.
She focused her gaze on the mountains on the far side of the lake. A small, dreamy smile twisted her lips. “The truth is that kissing you was everything I had imagined it would be and more. God, the way you burned me up inside was beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve never really found anyone else who could even come close to making me feel the same way.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to.” Her lips twisted as she brought one between her teeth. “In fact, the only reason I stopped kissing you at first was to admit it all. I wanted to profess my undying love for you. To tell you that I loved you and that I thought we were meant to be together forever.”
“But?” My heart hammered in my chest as I tried to recall what had happened next. Why didn’t she tell me that? The words we had exchanged after that kiss wouldn’t come to me. All I could remember was the burning embarrassment as she’d declared she had to leave and then rushed from the car.
She bowed her head, and her tears fell into her lap. “Before I could, you giggled and said how fun it was kissing me.”
“So?” I wasn’t sure how that was enough to stop her from telling me how she felt. Why it’d ended with her rushing from the car—and eventually leaving my life entirely.
“It wasn’t what you said, but the way you said it. And the way you looked at me.” She sighed and wrung her hands together. Even though we’d always sworn there was no bullshit between us, and she’d told me about her mother and the demons of being the child of an alcoholic, something told me this was the rawest Angel had ever been with me. It also meant it was the most painful truth I would have to face about our relationship. “It—it wasn’t any different to the way you looked at me before we kissed.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It made me see that us kissing, and anything else that might have happened that night, it was just an adventure for you. A new experience. You never loved me in that way, and it was at that moment I saw that you probably never would.” She made a little choking sound as she stifled a sob. “I’d told myself so often that the moment you kissed me, things would change. Like a Frog and the Princess style transformation. I’d go from being someone who was just your friend to being something more. I thought it would be the moment you realised how much you loved me too. Instead, I ended up looking at you and seeing that you never would. That’s why I didn’t speak to you at first. I wanted to. God, how I wanted to have everything just work out like it did in my fantasies.”
“I never meant to hurt you.” I leant my head on her shoulder. “If I’d known all of this, I never would’ve let things go where they did. I never would’ve joked around about our night of fireworks. I feel like I’ve led you on, but it was never intentional.”
She leant her cheek against the top of my head. “I know. The truth is I didn’t want that to stop because the moment it did would be the moment I had to face the reality that things were different for me than they were for you. While we had those little flirtations, I could live with the fantasy that one day you’d wake up to the way things should be between us.” She gave a nervous laugh.
“What changed?” Worried that I hadn’t made myself clear enough, I cleared my throat and started again. “I mean, why did you leave when you did?”
“With everything that happened with . . .” She trailed off before she said the names that still haunted my nightmares. “Well, while you were over here last time, you changed.”
Because we were getting to the bottom of our issues, I held my tongue instead of saying the “duh” I usually would have given her.
“It changed things between you and me too. It was like overnight I’d gone from having the gentle flirting that left me with some hope, to being in a barren desert where I didn’t have anything but the memory of your affection. And that fucking hurt. It wasn’t your fault, but it still hurt. Then I met with Beau. He helped me out. In so many ways. He made me see Mum wasn’t going to get better, and that it wasn’t my responsibility to make sure she did. He made me laugh, and we got along so well. While you were missing, and then even when he first came to Australia, before you let either of us back in, we bonded in a way I never expected. And he confronted me about how I really felt about you. I broke down and admitted it all. Part of me thought he’d kick me out for being in love with you, but it felt so good to be able to get it all out for the first time ever too. He—” She smiled as she stared at the horizon again. “Well, he was so understanding, and since then he’s become the one person I could rely on.”
“He replaced me,” I added, trying, but failing, to infuse my voice with a teasing tone.
She shrugged. “I guess he did in some ways.”
“What happened then?” I wanted it all out. That way I’d know all the reasons why I’d lost her, even if we never spoke again, and I wouldn’t be haunted by as many what ifs as I had been.
“When you started to let me back in, I saw that it was going to be different. But I was willing to accept that. I told myself I was just happy for you to be in my life in any way I could have you. It was hard though. Seeing you and Beau . . . It made me so happy because I know he’s the one for you. He’s the Dec to your Lys.” She nudged my shoulder as she teased me, the reference to the times I
’d complained about my parents’ perfect relationship was clear. “But it also set a voice niggling at the back of my head asking what he had that I didn’t—”
“Other than the obvious,” I said at the same time she did. Our gazes met, and we both gave a nervous laugh.
“After you moved in, I thought it would be better. I thought it was a sign you were healing. That we’d get back to what we had and the fantasy could come to life in my head again. But that didn’t happen. It just got harder. And seeing the two of you together—”
Heat rose in my cheeks as I thought about her walking in on Beau and me. “We never meant—”
She waved off my attempt at an apology. “I don’t mean that. It wasn’t catching you in the act that nailed the coffin shut. It was watching you do the day to day inane tasks together and just being so in tune with one another. It was too much. It proved you didn’t need me. That I wasn’t as special to you as I’d thought I was.”
“No, Angel, you—”
She shook her head to silence me. “It might not be how you wanted me to feel, but that’s how it was. It started to turn me into someone I didn’t like very much. I’ve never been the sort to sit and stew in jealousy. I used to be able to move past it because I knew when you finished with whoever you were with at the time, you’d come back to me. We’d fall into our old routines, and the hope would still be alive. But seeing you and Beau together, I knew there was no way you were coming back from that, and it hurt. That’s not on you, and I’m sorry for ever making you feel like it was. I can see now that what I really needed was some perspective.”
“What perspective?”
“When I left, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” She twisted her fingers around each other. “I thought I was okay with that. That if I couldn’t have you as my flirtation buddy and possible girlfriend, I was happy to not have you in my life at all. But I missed you.”
“I missed you too.”
“I know you did, but I don’t think you understand. When I was away from you before, like when I went off on jobs, it was always with the possibility of what might be when we saw each other again burning away in the back of my head. The fantasy. This time, it wasn’t the fantasy I missed. It was you. It wasn’t the ideal up here”—she tapped her forehead—“it was the reality. Everything about us. The first time Beau told me what happened after I left, I nearly caved right then. I wanted so badly to call you up, but I stopped myself when it became clear I was like a junky jonesing for my next fix. I still needed to detox before I could even think about what came next.” She sighed. “Then when I got your letter and found out about—” She cut off with a sob. “About your kidneys.”
“You got my letter?” I asked, the words almost silent. Had Beau mailed it by accident or had he thought I had wanted it to go?
She nodded as she broke down. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and let her cry against me.
“It was the biggest wake-up call I could imagine,” she admitted. “It hit me that anything could happen in life, that either of us could be gone in an instant, and I might never see you again. And that scared me more than anything. I never meant to hurt you.”
Even as she said the words, they tangled around my heart and strangled it. I started crying too as she touched on one of my biggest fears.
“H-how are you feeling?” she asked.
“What version of it do you want?”
She pulled back and gave me a quizzical look.
“Do you want what Beau wants to hear, or the truth?” I clarified.
Her lips twisted into an unhappy frown. “They’re different things?”
“Beau, he . . .” I glanced over my shoulder and back towards the office. “Well, you know how he is. He’s optimistic and doesn’t want me to worry about things that might happen. He’s determined that I’m going to stay at this level or get better.”
“But you don’t believe that?”
“I don’t know, Angel. It just feels like it’s what Mum and Dad have always worried about. Well . . . you know the odds. I can just see a future of dialysis and another transplant ahead of me—that’s if I can even find a donor.”
“You’ll find a donor,” she said. “Remember odds are made to be beaten.” She nudged me again.
“Fuck, I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
Entwined in each other’s arms at the end of the pier, we sat in silence. For my part, I just absorbed Angel’s presence back in my life. She said she was moving home, and I hoped that meant we could find a way back into one another’s lives again, but if not, I would take whatever I could for as long as possible. After sitting together for an impossible moment, we started to talk. Our conversation ran the gambit from her travels to my family. The sun travelled a decent distance across the sky as we caught up with each other.
Even though I didn’t want to question anything, doubt grew in me. Besides Beau and me, there was only one other person in the Lake Retreat who knew about the gifts I’d received in North Carolina. I’d thought she was across the other side of the world, so I hadn’t even mentioned it to Beau, but had she been behind the gifts as some sort of joke? I didn’t think she could be so cruel, but there was also a time I didn’t think she could walk away from me for months without any contact either.
“When did you arrive?” I asked.
“About five minutes before you came down. I stopped in my room long enough to dump my bags and text Beau to let him know I was here.”
“So you weren’t here yesterday? Or this morning?”
“If I were, you would’ve known about it, girlie. I’m here for you. For your wedding. That’s what brought me here.” She paused and tilted her head to one side as her gaze trailed over my face. “Why?”
“It’s nothing. Just . . . I got a gift yesterday. I thought it might be from you.”
“Nope. My gift is my presence,” she joked.
It was enough for me to stop worrying about her possibly being the gift-giver. If it were something of a prank that she’d arranged, she would’ve owned up to it.
Eventually, Beau found his way down to us. “Howdy, sweetness,” he said, inclining his head towards Angel. She grinned up at him; her smile was as blinding in his presence as it was for me.
Without unravelling our hold, she greeted him in return before adding, “I suppose you want your girl back?”
“Only if y’all are done. The guys are gonna start gettin’ the bonfire set up, and I thought ya might wanna get ready.”
“We won’t ever be done if I have a say,” I said wrapping my arms tighter around her shoulders.
“So long as I can get some time with ya too, that suits me fine. I like the way ya smile when Angel is around.”
I blushed, and judging by the way Angel ducked her head, she did too.
“Can you just give us another minute?” I asked. “Then I’m all yours.”
“Sure thing, darlin’. I’ll be up at the house.”
“What’s up?” Angel asked as Beau walked away.
“I just want to know where we stand. What comes next for us?”
“I guess that depends.”
“On?”
She gave a sly smile. “On whether you can forgive me for abandoning you?”
My breath rushed from me in a sigh as I threw my arms around her shoulder. “There’s nothing to forgive. It hurt, like a bitch, but I’m not mad at you for it. I understand why you had to do it, and it’s probably no worse than the way I hurt you.”
“I want to get back to what we had,” she said. “I want to be your best friend again. If you’ll have me.”
“You’ve always been that, my Angel. That hasn’t changed. It never will, but we’ve got a lot to catch up on. Before it’s too late.” It might have been a dirty card, but I was more than willing to play it.
“We’ve got two days before all the guests arrive for your wedding.” Her smile beamed brighter. “That’s a start.”
I stood and brushed the dirt from my hand. Before I could offer her my hand to help her up too, she’d already stood.
“Are you coming to the bonfire tonight?” I asked.
“Are you?”
“I think I’m willing to give it a try. I’m not sure how ready I am though.”
“I hope I’ll catch you there.” She reached for my hand, but I wrapped my arms around her instead.
“Maybe you can come by the house if we finish up early enough?” It was my way of begging her for more time together, and I think she understood.
“We’ll watch a sappy romcom together,” she said before kissing my cheek and heading back towards the glass building, giving Beau a hug on her way past.
BEAU MET ME near the entrance to the pier.
“How long have you known that Angel was coming?” I asked as I watched her heading for the glass building.
“Only a week.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“She wanted to surprise ya, and I thought you’d like the surprise. When ya got really depressed durin’ the flight and on the way here, I was fixin’ to say somethin’, and then ag’in yesterday, but we were so close to the reveal, I didn’t wanna spoil it. Are ya very cross with me?”
“Are you kidding? Angel’s here. I’m over the moon. I couldn’t imagine a better surprise.” I toed the ground. “It’s better than the other ones I’ve had lately.”
His smile was sad as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Are we goin’ to the bonfire tonight then?”
“Angel said she was, so I’m going to go for a while.”
“Angel has to go.” He released me and then grabbed my hand to lead me back to the house. “She’s the starrin’ attraction.”
“What?”
He winked. “You’ll see.”
THERE WAS a new spring in my step as we headed down to the lakefront to join the bonfire. Things might have been up in the air as far as babies, career, and my health might have been going, but I had Angel back—at least temporarily. Better than that, there was no new gift on the doorstep when we’d arrived back at the house after leaving the pier.
Phantom (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #5) Page 19