“It was just a little tantrum. I’ve seen worse. He redeemed himself on the results show.”
I laughed, “It’s not because of that, although that was not very becoming at all and only children think they can throw a fit like that and then come back and act like nothing happened. The reason I’m not going to see him again though is that I can’t risk my job. Then there’s the fact that he has a real chance at winning this thing. I like myself, but I don’t think I’m worth giving up a million bucks and a record contract for. Hell, I’d sell myself out for a million dollars and a record contract.”
“You’re worth it if he loves you,” Molly the romantic told me. She wanted so badly to see something there that wasn’t.
“Molly it’s not like that between Tristan and me. It was always just my infatuation with him and then the sex…really good sex.”
She smiled at that and said, “You don’t have any other feelings for him than that, really?”
“No, I don’t, really,” I had told her, confidently. She didn’t look like she believed me, but she didn’t push the issue. The truth was I did have feelings beyond that. I was defensive when it came to him and I felt bad when he was hurting. I was feeling his pain for some reason. I barely knew him though, so it most definitely wasn’t love. To call it like would even be playing it fast and loose with that word. No, for now it was just sex and unless he suddenly became communicative…and nice, that’s all it will ever be.
I’d just gotten home and started cutting up chicken for stir-fry when my phone rang. I looked at it and saw that it was my mom. I’d forgotten it was Saturday and time for her weekly call.
“Hi Mom,” I answered as I turned the heat on underneath the rice.
“Hi Elly. How are you, sweetie?”
“I’m good, Mom. I’m just tired. It’s been a long week with the show and all.” I had the phone tucked under my chin as I finished cutting the chicken into cubes.
“We’ve been watching it. I told your father the first night that the kind of hippy looking boy…Trent or…Tristan, that’s it, he looked so familiar to me. It took me until last night to realize where I knew him from. He was in that band you were so crazy about.”
“Yeah, that’s him,” I told her. “I’m surprised you recognized him.”
“Well, he was all over everything in the house for a few years. I would be a terrible mother if I hadn’t recognized him after all that.”
“You could never be a terrible mother,” I told her, honestly.
“I bet you were so excited when you saw him there! Do you get to talk to him? Did you tell him about your crush?”
“I was excited at first,” I said, “But after a while you just realize that even though we think they’re stars, they’re really just like everyone else. Yes, I have to talk to him and no, I didn’t tell him about my crush,” I lied just a little.
I finished cutting up the chicken and put it in the pan to brown while I mixed up the glaze for it. I put the soy sauce, brown sugar and corn-starch in a bowl and whisked it up.
“Well, that’s a good attitude to have honey,” my mother was saying, “If you’re going to be in the business. You can’t be getting starstruck….it wouldn’t be fair to the other contestants.”
She cracked me up when she said things like, “in the business.” I didn’t laugh at her though, I let her think she was cool and hip. “Very true, Mom. How is Dad?”
I poured the ginger, garlic and red pepper into the bowl and whisked it again while she talked.
“Oh, you know your father. He’s as ornery as ever. Last night when we were watching the show he kept saying, ‘Where is she? I don’t see her.’ I said, ‘Hank, she’s a producer not a performer. She’s behind the scenes’.”
I laughed as I dropped the chicken into the glaze. I mixed it up and then set the bowl in the refrigerator. I could hear my parents having that conversation. They were so funny together. Someday I wanted to have a relationship just like them. They’d set a really good example for a girl who made such really bad decisions. I missed them, some days more than others. I had given a lot of consideration to how far away from them I’d be when I moved out to California almost four years ago, but being a producer was something I’d wanted to do so badly I could taste it. I had pretty much two options, New York and California. I was from the Midwest, so I had been hoping California wouldn’t be such of a culture shock. I also have to admit that living in the same city as most of the stars in the U.S. was also a draw. I will honestly say that bumping into Tristan had crossed my mind. I wasn’t thinking it would quite go like it had. I’ve adjusted to L.A. now though, and I can’t imagine working anywhere else.
“Are you enjoying your work, honey? Are they nice people to work for?”
“I am. I like it a lot. They are super nice people, and as a matter of fact, the Executive Producer of the show has offered me a position touring with the top ten contestants next year. I’m seriously considering it. I’ve already checked into taking my classes online for my last semester.”
“Wow! That’s great, honey. Maybe you can stop by and see us.”
I laughed again, “Maybe, Mom, we’ll see.”
“How is Susie?” she asked. On my parent’s trip out here last summer they’d met Susie. They had both fallen in love with her. I think if they were asked to choose between us, it would be a difficult choice for them now. I’d gotten lucky finding Susie to room with. She and I had a few classes together our first semester and we both lived in the dorms. We weren’t really friends, but I heard her talking about finding her own apartment one day and I asked if she needed a roommate. We talked about it for a while and found out that we had a lot in common. We were both neat freaks, neither of us were party girls and we were in the same program so we could study together and help each other out with our classes. It’s been over two years now since we shared our apartment and it’s still working out great.
“She’s good,” I said. “Working hard at school. She got a part-time job too on one of the Nickelodeon shows. She only works a few hours a week right now but they tell her it can work into something more. Her parents pay for her school and bills, so she doesn’t need the money. She was just looking for the experience. She likes it.”
I dropped the vegetables into the hot oil and they made a loud sizzling noise. I could picture my mother grabbing her heart as she said, “Oh my goodness! What was that?”
“Just stir-fry, Mom. I’m making dinner.”
“Oh wow! You work sixteen hour days, go to school and cook? There’s some really lucky guy out there that’s going to find you someday. What’s that Hank? Your father says, “And beautiful too.”
“Aw, thanks guys,” I said. Sometimes, when I was in a blue mood I would wonder if that would ever happen. I imagined sometimes that I would be alone forever. It was a fact that my judgment in men was questionable at best. Maybe I would be better off staying single. I could be like my Aunt Sally…she never got married or had children and now she spent her time traveling the world. I could see myself as a world traveler. It would break my mother’s heart though. She can’t wait to be a grandmother.
“I should let you get back to making your dinner, Sweetheart,” my mom said.
“Okay, Mom. I love you. Tell Daddy I love him too.”
“We love you too; call us if you need anything.”
“I will, Mom.”
Then suddenly, “Do you need anything? Do you have enough money?”
I laughed. “I’m fine, Mom, but thank you.” My parents had worked and saved their whole lives for my college education. I was extremely grateful to them for that. Their sacrifice was another huge reason I couldn’t blow this internship or screw around with my education. The money I made working was all for me right now, but I was also saving some of it so when I went on for my Master’s life wouldn’t be so hard.
“Okay honey, tell Susie we said hello.”
“I will.”
“I love you.”
; “I love you too.” It was the same thing every Saturday. I could always hear the worry in my mom’s voice even when she was trying to stay upbeat. I wondered if all moms were like that, even worried after their children grow up. I didn’t mind it, I actually kind of appreciated it and I would miss it if it ever changed.
Chapter Nine
Tristan
I spent the better part of the last week practicing for round four. I worked with the musician’s three times and I actually asked their opinions and took their advice. That was huge for me. My own band is usually afraid to say or change anything. I don’t mean to be a dick all the time, I just get caught up in the music and I want to think I know best. The truth is that I don’t always. Sometimes I needed help and part of the reason my career had failed the first time was because I refused to acknowledge that.
The pianist thought the tempo was too fast and the banjo guy thought that we didn’t really need a banjo. I changed the tempo, but I kept the banjo. There was just something about it that I liked and the drummer agreed with me on that point.
It had been five days since the elimination round and a week or so longer than that since the “closet sex” and I hadn’t heard from Emmy. I wondered if I ever would again. It was still shocking to me that she was having sex with a guy like me in places like that at all. Even after all that, she still didn’t strike me as the type. I wondered sometimes how much of it had to do with who I used to be. I didn’t care, as long as it kept coming. One thing I liked best about her was that she wasn’t my usual “type,” and on top of that she wasn’t all clingy and asking where this was going and all that girly shit. The only place I was going with a woman, ever was to bed and so far Elly seemed okay with that. My mother had taught me a long time ago that beyond that, women weren’t much good for anything other than complicating your life and I definitely didn’t want to make the mistake my parents did and bring a poor kid into my mess of a life. Of course, maybe that was why Elly hasn’t called me. Maybe she didn’t need to ask where it was going and she figured it out on her own.
I was going to have to find a woman soon, even if it wasn’t Elly. My balls were turning blue. This was the longest I’ve gone without getting laid in years. I usually went out a couple times a week even if we weren’t playing a gig. The chicks I picked up in bars were so easy. All it took was a joint or a vial to get most of them back to my place and naked. If all I could find were the particularly skanky ones, I didn’t even take them home, I’d just do them in a bathroom. Elly had been such a surprise to me that night, even finding someone like her in that bar had been bizarre. I wanted to fuck her as soon as I saw her. I was afraid if we went through the whole ritual, it would give her time to change her mind, that’s why I fucked her in that bathroom.
Tonight though, I had to push all of that to the back of my brain and concentrate on my song. I was going to blow them away tonight, this time I was sure of it.
When I got to the studio, I saw Elly. I smiled at her and she smiled back, but it was a tight, fake smile. She seemed to be spending as much time on the other side of the room from me as possible. Every time I tried to catch her eye, she would turn her head away quickly. I finally gave up and decided to go over the song again in my head until it was my turn. I couldn’t afford to get distracted right now anyways.
Elly finally called me when it was my turn. The sound of her voice made me horny. It was freaking ridiculous. I pictured my mother’s face to get rid of the woody and I walked over to where she was standing at the door to the stage. I started to open my mouth to talk to her when she ripped open the door and practically pushed me out on the stage. I don’t know what the hell was up her butt all of a sudden. The stage was set up with the band and I left the stuff with Elly at the door. I strolled out to the middle of the stage and up to the microphone. The stupid judges wanted to ask me how I was doing and make small talk…I just wanted to get this over with. I had to brush off the emcee that just got on my nerves, and then I signaled the pianist and he started to play while the Diva was still talking. She was looking put out right up until I started singing. Then, I could see the change in her face…in all of their faces. The audience was going crazy and for the first time in a really long time, I felt like a star all over again.
When the song ended, the judges not only clapped, they all three got to their feet. The other contestants and most of the audience were on their feet too. It was fucking sweet like being on the best high ever. It took me back to the days when the ovation was the rule instead of the exception.
When the applause died down the judges fought over who got to talk first this time. They said things like, “awesome” and “amazing” and “you brought a tear to my eye.” I walked out of there feeling like I had this in the bag. I was already counting my million bucks.
Chapter Ten
Elly
I’d done my absolute best to ignore Tristan while he was in the contestant’s waiting room. I wish it wasn’t so hard. I think part of me is still fascinated by who he used to be and the other part of me is a closet slut. I’m not really a slut, but I have definitely never been as interested in sex as I have been since I met Tristan in the bar that night. Every time I look at him, I want to jump the guy’s bones, and even when he’s not around I’m thinking about it.
I think I did a good job of ignoring him tonight though. I did smile back at him once, but that was because he caught me looking at him and I didn’t really have any choice. Otherwise, I made sure the rest of the evening that he didn’t catch me.
I was watching the monitor as he walked up to the mic. I saw him run his hand across the cross that he wore around his neck, just like he used to when he was a kid. It gave me a strange sense of nostalgia. It was things like that…the cross and the significance of it that I’d like to know about him. I was beginning to doubt that would ever happen. Tristan was obviously only interested in sex and he didn’t want to waste time on idle chit chat. My thoughts all came to a screeching halt as soon as he opened his mouth and started singing. I’m not kidding; it was the most beautiful sound that I’d ever heard. I was again taken back to the days when I worshipped him. It hadn’t always been about his looks. Even when I was a kid, I knew he was incredibly talented.
He must have really practiced for this one. It was spot on perfect and I could tell from looking at the judges faces that they thought so too. I was so into it that I didn’t even realize Molly sat down next to me until it was over. I had tears in my eyes and when I looked over at her in the seat next to me she said, “Wow, he was amazing.”
“Yeah,” I said. “He really was.”
“Are you going to tell him how amazing he was? Maybe show him?” she asked with her eyebrows shooting up and down.
“No, Molly. I can’t. Nothing has changed since the weekend. I can’t lose this job. Some things are a lot more important than sex.”
“Hmm, I just watched your face while you were watching him. Are you sure this is only about sex?”
“I’m sure,” I told her. “Sex and nostalgia, that’s it, I can’t screw this opportunity I’ve been given up for that.”
“Suit yourself,” she said. “But here he comes.” I looked up and saw Tristan coming back into the room. He was supposed to go off stage the other way. I don’t know why he kept coming back in here. He was incorrigible sometimes.
“Hey Elly, what did you think?’ he asked me as he walked by. I wanted to tell him I thought it was the most amazing song I’d ever heard. I wanted to tell him that I thought he was going to be a star…again.
I wanted to kiss his full lips and wrap my fingers up in his hair….But; I saw a few of the other contestants watching us so all I said was, “Good job. I have to get back to work.”
I could feel his eyes watching me as I walked away. I knew after the way he’d treated me that morning I’d waked up at his place that I shouldn’t feel bad for not being “nice.” But I did feel bad. I felt like no matter how cocky and arrogant he seemed to be, he need
ed reassurance and I’d just passed on the opportunity to give it to him. My armchair psychologist persona was part of what led to me getting into bad relationships. I always wanted to believe that there was a reason people didn’t act the way they were supposed to, and if you could uncover the reason, it could be “fixed.” My father tells me that my affliction is kindness and naivety where the men are likely suffering from an incurable case of ass-hole-itis. I loved my dad.
Chapter Eleven
Tristan
I was in the easy top twenty-four the night after round four. The emcee didn’t even try his stupid pretend routine with me. Everyone in that audience knew I’d blown it away. The girls in the audience had signs with my name on it and my picture and they said things like, “Marry Me” and “I love you!” I didn’t want to marry any of them, but I liked the attention. And speaking of attention, I was a little pissed at Elly. She’s the one who said she was a fan of mine and that she thought I was better at the softer stuff. I had even taken that into consideration when I picked out my song and changed up the score for this week’s song. I know she was as blown away as everyone else; she just didn’t have the balls to admit it. She was too afraid an ex-boyfriend who I still have never seen might see us talking. It didn’t make any fucking sense, but at the final twenty-four party tonight I was going to get her to tell me what was really going on.
The party was being held in the ballroom at the Millennium Biltmore hotel in downtown L.A. It was a fancy ass place and even I knew better than to show up in my t-shirt and jeans. I went shopping and had some cute chick at Macy’s help me pick out something nice that didn’t make me feel like I was wearing a business suit or a strait jacket. I ended up with a pair of black cotton dress slacks and a black long-sleeved shirt with red pin stripes and hot chick’s number. I played up the Fresh Voices finalist thing. She ate it up…I think I could definitely make this work for me.
Dirty Stepbrother - A Firefighter Romance (The Maxwell Family) Page 33