This time, I did scream and when I was finished, I turned around and said, “When did you become so selfish?” I stopped, put my hand up and answered, in a slightly calmer voice, “You know what, I don’t even care. I am out of here.”
With that, I burst out of the car, automatically feeling the temperature change hit my face as the air finally moved around me again, while I stomped up to my room.
I heard my father in the background, screaming for me to get back there as he loudly got out of the car, but I continued forward. To my surprise, I didn’t even cry.
When I made it up to my room, I grabbed my suitcase and began to pack it feverously. I wasn’t sure exactly where I was going to go, or if I even really wanted to leave Tyler, but I was sure that I couldn’t stay in this house any longer. There were too many emotions running rampant around here, and I was fairly certain that I had just completely tore the top off of our family’s Pandora’s Box. I was also fairly certain that I didn’t want to wait around for the fallout.
I had probably already decimated my relationship with my father, but I supposed that was a long time coming. I didn’t want to ever have to do what I did, but he had pushed me to the limit. How dare he accuse me of trying to ruin his relationship, when I was the one who wanted him to start dating in the first place?
After a little while of me quickly and angrily throwing things into my bag, I heard a light and gentle rapping at my door. I heard my father’s voice as he said, “Hey… I wanted to talk to you. Can I come in?”
I didn’t get a chance to answer before the door opened. He looked around the room and instead of answering him, I just glowered in his direction for a long while. I felt that anything I had to say to him now would only make matters worse for us both later.
He sighed first and answered, while his eyes continued to glaze over my hurried packing job, “Well, I just wanted to…um…Wow! You’re really going, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” I answered in a scary-calm voice that I was sure my father picked up on. “I am really going.”
“Where will you go?”
“I don’t know, but I cannot stay here.”
Instead of getting angry, he sighed again and rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re right, you know? I did cheat on your mother and I felt terrible for it, even before I knew she was sick…and you were right about feeling guilty. Even though it was sudden, once I knew how sick she was, I knew that it would only be a matter of time, so her death wasn’t a shock, by the time she died. I knew what was happening and although there was a long period of grief for the woman that I loved…” His eyes then rose to meet mine as he amended, “The woman that I still love, I was mostly guilty. That is why I didn’t date. I didn’t feel I deserved it.”
“And you were right, Dad. You didn’t deserve it,” I answered coldly before I threw what was left of my personal items in my suitcase and started to zip it up.
My father fell silent in an awkward manner, as though I had just slapped him across the face and was now pretending I had done nothing of the sort. In a way, I felt that was justified and so, I just went about my business. I was determined to leave, after all. For once, I was being completely honest with my father and it felt really good.
However, he said, “You know Ashley, I’ve made some mistakes in my life and I understand that. Hell, maybe this is all my fault...the universe getting back at me for a moment of weakness…because you know, having my wife die and my daughter want nothing to do with me wasn’t bad enough. But I still can’t fathom how the hell I am supposed to allow you to continue to fuck your stepbrother, just because I’m a bad father!”
I lost it. I swung around to meet his irate gaze and narrowed my eyes at him. “If you’re trying to make me feel guilty, then you can go to hell. And if you’re really just trying to provide me insight into the way your mind works, then you are even more selfish and stubborn than I thought.” That was when I threw my hands up and screamed, “How many more times do I have to tell you that what I did had absolutely nothing to do with you, Mom, Theresa, or anyone else in our screwed up little household. What happened was between me and Tyler. We are both adults and I don’t give a shit what you say! I haven’t given a shit what you had to say since the moment Mom died, because emotionally, you were nonexistent. You might not have lost me if you weren’t so wrapped up in your own damn guilt.”
I sighed and took a moment to catch my breath, but then quickly started again when I thought of more that I wanted to say. “I would have given anything to have my father back, the one who I could tell anything to and therefore, I was willing to forgive and forget. I encouraged you to date, because I thought it would make you feel better, but then, once you married Theresa, it was like you forgot about the life that you have. Instead of enhancing your life and helping you to move on, you just used it as an escape route to start all over.
“But guess what, Dad, I’m still here! I didn’t disappear when Mom died. I grew into a person who needed to find her own way in life, in addition to worrying about you and trying to make the best of the situation I found myself in. The only reason you think I pulled away from you was because by the time you wanted me again, you had already pushed me so far away that it didn’t matter to me anymore.”
I stopped and let go a shuddering breath. I couldn’t believe that I had said that. Everything that had built up inside of me for so many years was now out in the open and despite what I had always thought, I didn’t feel one ounce of guilt over it.
In fact, I felt better.
However, I knew from the look on my father’s face that he wasn’t going to embrace my feelings as I had always hoped he would. Yet, I wasn’t expecting any kind of tearful reunion, so it didn’t break my stride.
My father didn’t speak for a long time. He just sat there and brooded, glowering at me with an angry sense of hurt and despair.
I knew that I didn’t want him to feel terrible, especially since I was feeling so good about having my feelings finally heard, but I couldn’t help the way he felt. I couldn’t make him feel better and I never could. I finally accepted that about a year after my mother died, but it wasn’t until now that I had gotten up the strength to tell him what I was feeling, I knew for as hard as it was to make him feel better, it was just as easy for me to make him feel badly.
Still, I held my ground and did not look away. I stared at him, waiting for his reaction to come fully to fruition, until finally, his red eyes narrowed and he spat in a harsh tone, “Get the fuck out.”
Even though his words and tone stung, I managed to stay strong. I nodded once, turned around, grabbed my bag and my keys, and looked back at him. “Okay.” I walked out the door.
Chapter Forty-Two
Tyler
When I got back to the house, everything seemed ridiculously strained and quiet.
My stepfather was watching television and didn’t even look at me when I walked in, and I couldn’t find my mother.
After searching downstairs, for I have no fucking clue what, I started to make my way upstairs, when I heard my stepfather’s voice yell, “If you’re looking to fuck my daughter again, she’s gone.”
There were about a million different responses roaming around inside my head that I didn’t say, because believe it or not, I really didn’t want to start a fight, especially if she was gone? I knew that if I fought with the bastard, I would have little to no chance of getting the information that I wanted. Gone fucking where? I thought, but didn’t even say that.
Instead, I moved back downstairs and in front of the television. I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to make myself look impressive before I squinted my eyes at him. “Excuse me? What did you just say?”
“You heard me…” my stepfather answered in a gruff tone.
I felt my muscles tense as I tried my best not to knock him the hell out. Instead, I just took a deep breath, let it out and asked, “Okay, fine. I did hear you. The part that I want to know is, where did she go?”
At this, As
hley’s father stood up and ran at me. Oh shit… I thought as I automatically moved to block myself.
He swung, stupidly and without the least bit of form. I blocked it easily and even though I wanted to hit him, I resisted, knowing that I could easily kill him and that would only escalate the situation.
I certainly didn’t want to kill another supposed father figure, after all, no matter how shitty he was at it.
So I just grasped him around the shoulders and shoved him back into the padded chair.
When he looked back at me, his eyes were bloodshot and irate. “You son of a bitch!”
“Yeah, but you fucking married her,” I answered. He insulted my girl. I wasn’t below insulting his, even if she was my own mother; it wasn’t like I didn’t have the same opinion.
At this, Ashley’s father snarled and rushed at me again. I expected this and put my hands up to protect myself. Once again, I grasped him and pushed him back on the couch. “Fucking stop!” I screamed, “I just want to know where the hell Ashley went! If you’re not going to tell me, then fuck you. I’ll find her myself.”
I backed away, but continued to keep a close eye on him. I had a feeling he wasn’t going to be above taking a cheap shot at me, but as much as I would have liked to beat his face in, I knew that I shouldn’t. Besides, my body was physically and mentally exhausted.
Right now, all I wanted was a fucking nap. I didn’t have time for this shit, but instead of taking a nap and ignoring everything that was going on around me, I decided that I wanted to find Ashley no matter what.
I took this as improvement.
So, I backed up toward the door.
“Get back here, you worthless piece of shit!” my stepfather screamed, barreling toward me in a sloppy manner.
I was never one to run from a fight, but in that moment, when I realized that I had a choice to make — stay and continue this charade with this asshole, until I got hurt while trying not to hurt him, or he became seriously injured when I lost control, or get away so that I could find Ashley quicker — I decided that my real fight was to try to get Ashley back. To hell with her father.
So I turned quickly and ran out of the house. My legs immediately began to scream and I wondered briefly what would happen if they gave out on me, or if I passed out, but I didn’t dwell on that thought. Instead I just ran, trying my best to get where I needed to go instead of wasting more of my time.
Thankfully, I naturally ran faster than her father, so I was able to make it to the front door and slam it in his face before he came close to catching me.
It was just about then that my adrenaline kicked in and I was able to continue running, which was a good thing, because it didn’t take long for my stepfather to open the door and tear off after me.
I was able to outrun him fairly quick, but I still didn’t want to take any chances. I continued to run down the driveway and the first side street, before curving back down and going into an ice cream parlor that was filled with people. I ordered something because I was starving and tried to text Ashley while I waited, hoping to get lost in the crowd.
I would have liked to think that everything would have been okay, even if he had caught me, but I really couldn’t have been sure. Ashley’s father had a sense of crazy in his eye that I knew I didn’t particularly want to mess with. I knew that I could take him, that wasn’t exactly the issue. I just didn’t want to take him. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to get so caught up in that line of thinking that I let him hurt me.
I wondered if he would make an effort to find me, or now go after Ashley, since he really did appear to have gone slightly insane, but I couldn’t truly think about that right now. I just wanted to focus on getting back with Ashley and making things right.
There was no need for either of our parents to approve, especially if they were going to act like that. In a way, I was surprised and kind of happy that her father showed me he actually had a backbone and was willing to stand up to me. But he had chosen the wrong fucking time to get his tail out from between his legs and take a stand.
If we were supposed to be together, then it didn’t matter what they thought. It wasn’t like their love-life was filled with spotless marital bliss.
So, I waited for Ashley to text me back, but she never did. I tried calling her phone when I was almost finished with my ice cream, slightly hesitant over who was going to answer, but that went right to voicemail. I felt a tremble of fear cascade through me.
What if her father found her…As crazy as he is being…I thought at first. Then, I thought, or what if she’s really gone?
I shook both thoughts out of my head and realized that the only way I was going to find her was to get out and look for her. I left the ice cream parlor and made my way back toward the house.
Her car is still there… I remembered, so unless she took a bus, she couldn’t have gotten all that far…
I made my way back on the beach, knowing that being spotted here was a possibility, but also realizing that this was the most likely place for me to find her.
It was getting dark though and I knew that visibility would take a nosedive as soon as the sun went down.
As I walked along, I continued to try to call and text her phone, but there was no answer.
So as I made my way toward the back of the house, fear began to build inside of me. What if something happened to her…What if her father made her…go away…Dammit! I should have fucking been there. I shouldn’t have waited…
When I reached the back of the beach house, I decided I should search around the property, just to make sure that a fit of rage didn’t claim Ashley’s life.
After all, the dude was pretty fucking quick to resort to violence… My mind egged my terrible thoughts on as I snuck my way back onto the property. Was the dickhead trying to tell me something? He did offer the information that she had left. Maybe it was his sick way of gloating. “Shit!” I muttered to myself as I quickened my pace toward the back of the house.
I looked at the yard and decided that there was no signs of a fight. For as many fucking fights as I have been in, I should know.
Once I was satisfied with the way the yard looked, I noticed a piece of clothing hanging off of the house. It was lacey, but it looked as though it was discarded in a hurry.
I moved closer to what I soon figured out was a thong and went to go pick it up, when I heard noises coming from the garden shed behind me.
I wasn’t sure what the grunts sounded like, but I felt a bad vibe rocket throughout my body and I knew that I needed to get over there quickly. I didn’t know what was going on, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that people shouldn’t be making those noises in a shed.
Without thinking, I tore open the door, ready to fight, and heard a woman scream.
I moved over to the man, who seemed to be on top of the woman and in the dim lighting, it took me a moment to realize who the people were. I pulled the man back, but turned around to see my mother with wide, terrified eyes.
Not sure yet what I was thinking, I looked over at the other person and realized that it was not my stepfather.
In an instant, everything clicked.
“Oh my God! Tyler please…I’m going to leave Fred. It’s just a fling, but I know it is wrong…Please don’t tell him…Let me tell him,” my mother was saying, even before I had actually registered what was going on.
When I did, I glared at my mother hard, until she stopped talking and stared at me.
“Mom, I really don’t give a fuck,” I answered before I walked out, closed the door and made my way back out onto the beach to find the one person in the world that I did really give a fuck about.
Chapter Forty-Three
Ashley
I no longer had a phone, or a car, since both of those things belonged to my father. I was sure that I would have to worry about how to pay for school, but there were plenty of options for students in my good standing.
I might be paying th
em off forever, but I would at least be able to have the life I wanted, without relying on my stupid father.
I had certainly said a lot to him and I had meant every word of it. I wasn’t trying to be cruel or hurtful, but I wanted him to know that he had hurt me with all of the awful things he said.
I wanted him to know that life didn’t always work the way he thought it did. I had tried to forgive him for what he did, but I hadn’t forgotten. I would have never forgotten; he made it so hard to get past it, because he was acting guilt-ridden over something that he did not allow me to try to understand.
For all he knew, I spent all of those years having no idea what was going on. He might have wanted forgiveness for it, but he had certainly never asked. In fact, he hadn’t even explained anything to me, so how could he expect true and honest forgiveness if he wasn’t able to own up to what he had done?
Hell, he isn’t even willing to accept that he did anything wrong! I thought, rolling my eyes and laying back on the sand.
After leaving my car and basically everything that belonged to my father at the house, I realized that probably wasn’t the best idea. I didn’t know where I was going to go, since I didn’t want to pay for housing at school for the rest of the summer and I didn’t want anything from my father. I knew I had to figure it out, but I certainly wasn’t going to try to get back in his good graces just so I had a place to stay.
If I got desperate enough, I was sure that I could have crashed at a friend’s house close to school.
However, right now, I was just enjoying the ease of having all of that pent-up anger and anxiety off of my chest. I felt as though I could breathe easy for the first time in years.
Even when I was in school, my past life plagued my mind, but since there were no reminders I could ignore them. Here, they were so daunting that ignoring them was almost impossible.
Therefore, after they had built up for three months, it was really nice to have a breath of true fresh air.
I still didn’t want to leave Tyler and I hoped he was all right, seeing as how I didn’t tell him anything about what had happened, but I figured he would make do. I certainly wasn’t worried about him leaving if he felt like he had to. In all honesty, I was surprised that he stuck around for as long as he did.
Dirty Stepbrother - A Firefighter Romance (The Maxwell Family) Page 104