Love Conquers All

by Robert Benchley

  When later he met her down in the luxurious dining-room she was just as refined as ever. And so was he. They both were so refined that she had to tell the butler to “serve the fruit in the Oak Room, Thomas.”

  Once in the Oak Room she told him her strange tale. It seemed that he was her husband. He didn’t remember it, but he was. He had been drowned some years before and she had wished so hard that he might come back to life that finally he had been born again in the body of Luke Sparrow. It’s funny how things work out like that sometimes.

  But Luke, who, as has been said before, was an odd boy, took it very hard and said that he didn’t want to be brought back to life. Not even when she told him that his name was now Sir Nigel Guido Cadross Tintagel, Bart. He became very cross and said that he was going out and drown himself all over again, just to show her that she shouldn’t have gone meddling with his spirit life. He was too refined to say so, but when you consider that he was just thirty, and his wife, owing to the difference in time between the spirit world and this, had gone on growing old until she was now pushing sixty, he had a certain amount of justice on his side. But of course she was Lady Tintagel, and all the lovers of Florence Barclay will understand that that is something.

  So, after reciting Tennyson’s “Crossing the Bar,” at her request (credit is given in the front of the book for the use of this poem, and only rightly too, for without it the story could never have been written), he goes out into the ocean. But there – we mustn’t give too much of the plot away. All that one need know is that Luke or Sir Nigel, as you wish (and what reader of Florence Barclay wouldn’t prefer Sir Nigel?), was so cultured that he said, “Nobody in the whole world knows it, save you and I,” and referred to “flotsam and jetson” as he was swimming out into the path of the rising sun. “Jetsam” is such an ugly word.

  It is only fitting that on his tombstone Lady Tintagel should have had inscribed an impressive and high-sounding misquotation from the Bible.

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  “Measure Your Mind”

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  “Measure Your Mind” by M.R. Traube and Frank Parker Stockbridge, is apt to be a very discouraging book if you have any doubt at all about your own mental capacity. From a hasty glance through the various tests I figure it out that I would be classified in Group B, indicating “Low Average Ability,” reserved usually for those just learning to speak the English language and preparing for a career of holding a spike while another man hits it. If they ever adopt the “menti-meter tests” on this journal I shall last just about forty-five minutes.

  And the trouble is that each test starts off so easily. You begin to think that you are so good that no one has ever appreciated you. There is for instance, a series of twenty-four pictures (very badly drawn too, Mr. Frank Parker Stockbridge. You think you are so smart, picking flaws with people’s intelligence. If I couldn’t draw a better head than the one on page 131 I would throw up the whole business). At any rate, in each one of these pictures there is something wrong (wholly apart from the drawing). You are supposed to pick out the incongruous feature, and you have 180 seconds in which to tear the twenty-four pictures to pieces.

  The first one is easy. The rabbit has one human ear. In the second one the woman’s eye is in her hair. Pretty soft, you say to yourself. In the third the bird has three legs. It looks like a cinch. Following in quick succession come a man with his mouth in his forehead, a horse with cow’s horns, a mouse with rabbit’s ears, etc. You will have time for a handspring before your 180 seconds are up.

  But then they get tricky. There is a post-card with a stamp upside down. Well, what’s wrong with that? Certainly there is no affront to nature in a stamp upside down. Neither is there in a man’s looking through the large end of a telescope if he wants to. You can’t arbitrarily say at the top of the page, “Mark the thing that is wrong,” and then have a picture of a house with one window larger than all the others and expect anyone to agree with you that it is necessarily wrong. It may look queer, but so does the whole picture. You can’t tell; the big window may open from a room that needs a big window. I am not going to stultify myself by making things wrong about which I know none of the facts. Who am I that I should condemn a man for looking through the large end of a telescope? Personally, I like to look through the large end of a telescope. It only shows the state of personal liberty in this country when a picture of a man looking at a ship through the large end of a telescope is held before the young and branded as “wrong.”

  Arguing these points with yourself takes up quite a bit of time and you get so out of patience with the man that made up the examination that you lose all heart in it.

  Then come some pictures about which I am frankly in the dark. There is a Ford car with a rather funny-looking mud-guard, but who can pick out any one feature of a Ford and say that it is wrong? It may look wrong but I’ll bet that the car in this picture as it stands could pass many a big car on a hill.

  Then there is a boy holding a bat, and while his position isn’t all that a coach could ask, the only radically wrong thing that I can detect about the picture is that he is evidently playing baseball in a clean white shirt with a necktie and a rather natty cap set perfectly straight on his head. It is true he has his right thumb laid along the edge of the bat, but maybe he likes to bunt that way. There is something in the picture that I don’t get, I am afraid, just as there is in the picture of two men playing golf. One is about to putt. Aside from the fact that his putter seems just a trifle long, I should have to give up my guess and take my defeat like a man.

  But I do refuse to concede anything on Picture No. 22. Here a baby is shown sitting on the floor. He appears to be about a year and a half old. Incidentally, he is a very plain baby. Strewn about him on the floor are the toys that he has been playing with. There are a ball, a rattle, a ring, a doll, a bell and a pair of roller-skates. Evidently, the candidate is supposed to be aghast at the roller-skates in the possession of such a small child.

  The man who drew that picture had evidently never furnished playthings for a small child. I can imagine nothing that would delight a child of a year and a half more than a pair of roller-skates to chew and spin and hit himself in the face with. They could also be dropped on Daddy when Daddy was lying on the floor in an attempt to be sociable. Of all the toys arranged before the child, the roller-skates are the most logical. I suppose that the author of this test would insist on calling a picture wrong which showed a baby with a safety-razor in his hand or an overshoe on his head, and yet a photograph of the Public Library could not be more true to life.

  That is my great trouble in taking tests and examinations of any kind. I always want to argue with the examiner, because the examiner is always so obviously wrong.

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  The Brow-Elevation

  in Humor

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  After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him each year. Without recourse to the ouija board, Harper & Brothers manage to do very well by Mark Twain, considering that all they have to work with are the books that he wrote when he was alive. Each year we get something from the pen of the famous humorist, even though the ink has faded slightly. An introduction by Albert Bigelow Paine and a hitherto unpublished photograph as a frontspiece, and there you are – the season’s new Mark Twain book.

  This season it is “Moments With Mark Twain,” a collection of excerpts from his works for quick and handy reading. We may look for further books in this series in 1923, 1924, 1925, &c., to be entitled “Half Hours With Mark Twain” (the selections a trifle longer), “Pleasant Week-Ends With Mark Twain,” “Indian Summer With Mark Twain,” &c.

  There is an interesting comparison between this sample bottle of the humor of Mark Twain and that contained in the volume entitled “Something Else Again,” by Franklin P. Adams. The latter is a volume of verse and burlesques w
hich have appeared in the newspapers and magazines.

  In the days when Mark Twain was writing, it was considered good form to spoof not only the classics but surplus learning of any kind. A man was popularly known as an affected cuss when he could handle anything more erudite than a nasal past participle or two in his own language, and anyone who wanted to qualify as a humorist had to be able to mispronounce any word of over three syllables.

  Thus we find Mark Twain, in the selections given in this volume, having amusing trouble with the pronunciation of Michael Angelo and Leonardo da Vinci, expressing surprise that Michael Angelo was dead, picking flaws in the old master’s execution and complaining of the use of foreign words which have their equivalent “in a nobler language – English.”

  There certainly is no harm in this school of humor, and it has its earnest and prosperous exponents today. In fact, a large majority of the people still like to have someone poke fun at the things in which they themselves are not proficient, whether it be pronunciation, Latin or bricklaying.

  But there is an increasingly large section of the reading public who while they may not be expert in Latin composition, nevertheless do not think that a Latin word in itself is a cause for laughter. A French phrase thrown in now and then for metrical effect does not strike them as essentially an affectation, and they are willing to have references made to characters whose native language may not have been that noblest of all languages, our native tongue.

  That such a school of readers exists is proved by the popularity of F.P.A’s verses and prose. If anyone had told Mark Twain that a man could run a daily newspaper column in New York and amass any degree of fame through translations of the “Odes of Horace” into the vernacular, the veteran humorist would probably have slapped Albert Bigelow Paine on the back and taken the next boat for Bermuda. And yet in “Something Else Again” we find some sixteen translations of Horace and other “furriners,” exotic phrases such as “eheu fugaces” and “ex parte” used without making faces over them, and a popular exposition of highly technical verse forms which James Russell Lowell and Hal Longfellow would have considered terrifically high-brow. And yet thousands of American business men quote F.P.A. to thousands of other American business men every morning.

  Can it be said that the American people are not so low-brow as they like to pretend? There is a great deal of affectation in this homespun frame of mind, and many a man makes believe that he doesn’t know things simply because no one has ever written about them in the American Magazine. If the truth were known, we are all a great deal better educated than we will admit, and the derisive laughter with which we greet signs of culture is sometimes very hollow. In F.P.A. we find a combination which makes it possible for us to admit our learning and still be held honorable men. It is a good sign that his following is increasing.

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  Business Letters

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  A text-book on English composition, giving examples of good and bad letter-writing, is always a mine of possibilities for one given to ruminating and with nothing in particular to do. In “Business Man’s English” the specimen letters are unusually interesting. It seems almost as if the authors, Wallace Edgar Bartholomew and Floyd Hurlbut, had selected their examples with a view to their fiction possibilities. It also seems to the reader as if he were opening someone else’s mail.

  For instance, the following is given as a type of “very short letter, well placed”:

  Mr. Richard T. Green,

  Employment Department,

  Travellers’ Insurance Co.,

  Chicago, Ill.

  Dear Mr. Green:

  The young man about whom you inquire has much native ability and while in our employ proved himself a master of office routine.

  I regret to say, however, that he left us under circumstances that would not justify our recommending him to you.

  Cordially yours,

  C.S. THOMPSON

  Now I want to know what those “circumstances” were. And in lieu of the facts, I am afraid that I shall have to imagine some circumstances for myself. Personally, I don’t believe that the “young man” was to blame. Bad companions, maybe, or I shouldn’t be at all surprised if he was shielding someone else, perhaps a young lady stenographer with whom he was in love. The more I think of it the more I am sure that this was the secret of the whole thing. You see, he was a good worker and had, Mr. Thompson admits, proved himself a master of office routine. Although Mr. Thompson doesn’t say so, I have no doubt but that he would have been promoted very shortly.

  And then he fell in love with a little brown-eyed stenographer. You know how it is yourself. She had an invalid mother at home and was probably trying to save enough money to send her father to college. And whatever she did, it couldn’t have been so very bad, for she was such a nice girl.

  Well, at any rate, it looks to me as if the young man, while he was arranging the pads of paper for the regular Monday morning conference, overheard the office-manager telling about this affair (I have good reason to believe that it was a matter of carelessness in the payroll) and saying that he considered the little brown-eyed girl dishonest.

  At this the young man drew himself up to his full height and, looking the office-manager squarely in the eye, said:

  “No, Mr. Hostetter; it was I who did it, and I will take the consequences. And I want it understood that no finger of suspicion shall be pointed at Agnes Fairchild, than whom no truer, sweeter girl ever lived!”

  “I am sorry to hear this, Ralph,” said Mr. Hostetter. “You know what this means.”

  “I do, sir,” said Ralph, and turned to look out over the chimney-pots of the city, biting his under lip very tight.

  And on Saturday Ralph left.

  Since then he has applied at countless places for work, but always they have written to his old employer, Mr. Thompson, for a reference, and have received a letter similar to the one given here as an example. Naturally, they have not felt like taking him on. You cannot blame them. And, in a way, you cannot blame Mr. Thompson. You see, Mr. Hostetter didn’t tell Mr. Thompson all the circumstances of the affair. He just said that Ralph had confessed to responsibility for the payroll mix-up. If Mr. Thompson had been there at the time I am sure that he would have divined that Ralph was shielding Miss Fairchild, for Mr. Thompson liked Ralph. You can see that from his letter.

  But as it stands now things are pretty black for the boy, and it certainly seems as if in this great city there ought to be someone who will give him a job without writing to Mr. Thompson about him. This department will be open as a clearing-house for offers of work for a young man of great native ability and master of office routine who is just at present, unfortunately, unable to give any references, but who will, I am quite sure, justify any trust that may be placed in him in the future.

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  Index of Titles

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  A • B • C • D • E • F • G • H • I • J • K • L • M • N • O • P • Q • R • S • T • U • V • W • Y • Z

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  A

  About Portland Cement

  Advice to Writers

  All About the Silesian Problem

  “American Anniversaries”

  Animal Stories – I

  Animal Stories – II

  Anti-Ibáñez

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  B

  Benchley-Whittier Correspondence, The

  Books and Other Things

  Brow-Elevation in Humor, The

  Business Letters

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  C

  Catalogue School, The

  Christmas Spectacle, A

  Committee on the Whole, The

  Confessions of a Chess Champion

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  D

  “Darkwater”

  Do Insects Think?

  TOP

  E

  “
Effective House Organs”

  “Effective Speaking Voice, The”

  TOP

  F

  Facing the Boys’ Camp Problem

  Family Life in America

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  H

  “Happy the Home Where Books Are Found”

  Holt! Who Goes There?

  Home for the Holidays

  How to Be a Spectator at Spring Planting

  How to Sell Goods

  How to Understand International Finance

  How to Watch a Chess-match

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  L

  Literary Lost and Found Department

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  M

  Malignant Mirrors

  Manhattador, The

  “Measure Your Mind”

  Mid-Winter Sports

  Mr. Bok’s Americanization

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  N

  New Time-Table, The

  Noting an Increase in Bigamy

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  O

  On Bricklaying

  Open Bookcases

  Opera Synopses

  TOP