by Faye Byrd
When everyone is finally seated, I stand and clear my throat. “I’d like to thank everyone for coming over today to celebrate with us.” I reach for Easton’s hand and pull her up beside me before leading us over to where Cam and Blake are sitting. “We’ve been a family since the day Blake arrived in Atlanta, but this week, we were gifted with a family name, and both of these boys gained their absent parent in a legal sense. We couldn’t be any prouder than to present to you, the Ashbys.” I wave my hand over the four of us, and our friends and family break out into applause.
“Hear, hear,” Harold hails, holding up his beer before taking a gulp.
“I second that,” Ryder chimes.
Blue, who’s seated on the ground beside Cam, lets out a howl as if he’s in agreement, too. I pat his head. “Sorry, buddy. You’re an Ashby, too.” His tail wags and his ears perk up at the news.
I’m just so overflowing with love that I reach down and grab both boys, lifting them to my hip. “I love you, Ashby Dudes.”
Our dinner is filled with family, laughs and love. And when it’s over, we dress the boys in their superhero costumes and take them trick-or-treating, while Amelia and Brandon pass out candy at our house.
By the time we return, they’re tuckered out from the walk and ready to settle into bed. The whole time I’m reading their bedtime story, my heart breaks over what faces them when they wake.
6 Pavement Ends
Easy
-9
Today is day negative nine.
Our entire journey has led to this.
Today Cam is admitted to the hospital where he will have his first round of chemo. He’ll receive two different drugs, on alternating days, for seven days. And then for two more days, his body will rest due to the havoc the chemotherapy will wreak. Transplant day is known as day zero, and then we count forward. This will be the measure of my life until my son is cured.
Dr. Sen breezes into the room in his typical no-nonsense fashion, only this time, a small team of people are following behind him. “Good morning, Easy, Trystan.” He nods in our direction but heads straight for Cam. “Hello, Cameron. I would like to introduce you to a few of my colleagues. They will assist me during your stay in the hospital. Is that all right?”
Cam shrugs, bringing a smile to my face because he’s just so accepting. Though Trystan and I have already met with the oncologist, Dr. Andrews, and her team, it’s very thoughtful of Kabir to include Cameron in the process. My baby has no idea what he’s going to face during this stay, and every kind gesture before it gets underway is appreciated.
As I sit and watch Cam interact with the people who are to save his life, my mind is in a place of quiet acceptance while my heart aches over the pain to come. But this is it. The final hurdle. We can never get past it if we don’t face it head-on.
Dr. Sen steps over to where Trystan and I are sitting. “Are we ready to begin?”
Trystan reaches for my hand and holds it tightly in his. “Will it hurt him right away?”
“Inserting the central line will be painful, and we’ve decided to lightly sedate him, but the chemotherapy drug will not hurt during administration,” Kabir says, clasping his hands together in front of him. “However, it is possible we’ll start to see the effects of the drug within a few hours. It is different for each patient.”
Trystan’s assuring green gaze settles on me for final approval, and I reach deep inside myself, finding my resolve, before nodding. “We’re ready.”
-8
Drug one was introduced yesterday, and aside from a small bout of nausea and sleeping more than usual, Cam seems to be doing okay. Today, we meet drug number two.
It’s early morning, and I sit, watching him sleep. Looking at him now, it’s easy to think it’s not going to be bad. Round one down and my tough little man handled it well. But I know better; the doctors have warned us repeatedly. We’ve only just begun to rip his immune system to shreds.
“Morning, baby. How’s he doing?” Trystan asks quietly as he slips through the door.
“Same as last night. He’s mostly slept since you left,” I reply, watching him approach. “He hasn’t been sick all night.”
He comes over and gives me a soft peck as he settles on the arm of my chair. “That’s good. What time will they be in to administer today’s round?”
“Dr. Andrews said she’d be in by lunch. David will probably stop by before then, though. Was Blake okay with going to Charlotte’s again today?” We’re only on day two, and I’m already concerned about him feeling excluded.
“Pfft, he woke me this morning, ready to go. He has friends, remember?” He tries to lighten the mood with a teasing smile, but all I can do is worry.
“Did he ask about us last night?”
“We talked about you and Cam before bed, but he understands that Cam won’t be home for a while.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Well, at least he says he does. I think as time goes on he’s going to start getting a little more insistent because how do you explain that it’ll be over a month to a little kid?”
I take a deep breath and release it. “I don’t know, and I don’t want to leave Cam … ever, but I also know that Blake needs me to be there for him, too. I don’t know how we’re going to balance what’s best for them both.” Tears rush to my eyes, but I blink them away, refusing to cry when I need to be strong.
He reaches over and pulls me close. “We don’t have to figure it all out today, Easton. One day at a time, that’s all we can do, and we have help. Everyone we love is here and ready to jump in when needed. We’ll just do what we can and make sure they both know they’re loved every single day.”
I close my eyes and soak him in, revel in everything he brings to my life. He’s going to be my rock through all of this, and I could’ve never faced this ordeal without him. “You’re right.”
He kisses my forehead and leans back to look at me. “I know it’s not enough, but it’s all we’ve got.”
“I love you,” I say quietly.
“Love you,” he replies, standing and going to Cam’s bedside. “Have you had breakfast?”
The guilt creeps in. “I’ll get something after Cam’s eaten.”
Trystan eyes me, but I keep my chin held high. “Okay, if you’re sure.”
I nod. “I am.”
An hour later, Cam notices his father as soon as he opens his eyes. “Daddy,” he calls in his scratchy, just-woke voice. “Where’s Blake?”
My heart breaks.
Trystan leaves his chair to settle on the bed beside Cam, running a hand over his closely shaved head. “Dude, remember we discussed Blake would start going to Ms. Charlotte’s?” Cam barely nods his head. “Well, I dropped him off this morning.”
“So he playin’ with my friends and not me?” he asks, his green eyes sad.
I reach over and take his hand. “Sweetie, no. Blake loves you. You’re his brother. Remember, we talked about this? Blake won’t be able to come see you until the doctor says so, even though he really wants to be here.”
Cam tilts his little head down, his eyes on the blanket covering his body. “Okay.”
Trystan’s gaze meets mine, and with a small shake of his head, he reminds me that this is the small stuff. The things that won’t matter in the long run. We have a larger battle to face.
“Look, dude,” Trystan says, lifting his chin. “Tonight, when one of us goes home with Blake, how about we let you talk and see each other on the phone. Will that make you feel better?”
Cam’s sad expression morphs into a smile. “Yeah, Daddy, that better.”
-7
“My tummy hurts, Mama,” Cam says as he hunches over and grabs his stomach.
“I know, baby,” I soothe, rubbing a cool cloth over his head. “Do you think you might be sick?”
Trystan’s already grabbed the basin and is standing at the ready. The nausea has gotten worse, and he’s also developed a low-grade fever. We were lucky to have a couple days where his sympt
oms were mild, but now they’re picking up steam.
Suddenly, he lurches up from the pillow. Trystan’s fast, though, and has the basin beneath him as he empties his stomach. He continues to retch and dry heave even when there’s nothing left. The whole time my heart is breaking, but I sit there and rub his back in soothing circles, trying to assure him that I’m here.
The day passes, and it’s a rough one. Cam isn’t even up to visiting when Weston and Ryder stop by. My brother leaves with tears streaming down his cheeks and lucky for him, he has a supportive husband to see him through his heartache.
Trystan stands, knowing he can’t stay any longer. “I have to get Blake, unless …” He trails off, motioning toward me, but I shake my head. I can’t leave Cam, especially now.
He steps over and grabs my hand, pulling from me my seat and into his chest. “I know this is hard, Easton, but we’ll get through it. I fucking swear.”
“I know we will, Trystan, and I’m sorry,” I say, pulling away so he can see how much this hurts me. “Please tell Blake I love him very much.”
He cups my cheek. “He knows you love him. Hell, I know you love him, and I’m going to let tonight slide because Cameron’s so sick. But you’re going to have to leave this hospital … soon, okay?”
There’s no anger in his tone, only insistence, and I understand, but I’m not ready to make that promise. “I’ll try.”
“I’ll take it.” He nods, glancing toward a sleeping Cam with a sigh. “I guess he won’t be up to talking with Blake tonight.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “He won’t. I’m not sure if letting Blake see him this sick is a good idea anyway.”
He nods pensively as he pushes my hair over my shoulder. “We’ll figure something out.”
Cupping my nape, he pushes his lips against mine. This is a kiss of strength. He’s sharing his with me, and I need every ounce he’s willing to spare, so I take. I absorb his steadfast love and belief that everything will turn out okay. I feel myself being replenished, re-energized, by him, reassured that in the end, we will triumph.
When he pulls away, he presses our foreheads together. “I’ll be back in the morning.”
-6
As evening dawns on day four, my son is not doing any better. If anything, he’s worse. The nausea medications have had little effect, and his lips have become dry and cracked. Just this afternoon, I noticed a splotchy red patch on his arm. Sleep has become his favorite companion, and I actually prefer it. Seeing him suffer breaks my heart.
“Can I talk you into going home tonight?” Trystan asks from his chair beside me.
My eyes fall closed, and I shake my head. How can he expect me to leave? “I can’t, Trystan,” I say. “I can’t leave him like this.”
“Easton, you need a good night’s rest. If not for your sake, then do it for Cam,” he insists, the frustration evident in his voice.
I know I originally agreed to go home with Blake every other night, but that was before. Seeing what my baby is going through is just too much. There’s no way I can leave him for a whole night. It’s unimaginable the things that could go wrong in my absence.
I cross my arms and pierce him with a determined glare. “No, Trystan. He needs me here. I’m not leaving.”
“You don’t think he needs me?” he asks, using the guilt card very effectively. “What about Blake? He doesn’t need you, is that it? He hasn’t seen you in almost four days.”
Tears prick my eyes, and I want to curl into a ball and cry. “I miss him,” I whisper, the feeling of being ripped in two overwhelming.
Trystan stands and lifts me from my chair, enclosing me in his arms. “I know, baby. He misses you, too. Cam’s your baby, but he’s also mine. I can take care of him, Easton. I swear I will.”
I finally give in and nod into his chest. While he holds me close, I allow a few tears to fall for the unfairness of it all.
-5
I’m at the stove making bacon and eggs for Blake and me when he comes down the stairs. “Mornin’, Mama. I smell bacon.”
I chuckle. “You sure do. Go ahead and climb up to the bar. This will be ready soon.”
“I like bacon,” he says as he climbs. “Cam does, too. He gettin’ to eat bacon at the hospital?”
My heart drops at the question. How do I answer that? “He’s not feeling up to eating much, sweetie, but he can have bacon if he wants some.” I force a smile as I try to explain without lying to Blake. At some point, he’ll get to visit Cam, and he’ll see how sick he is, so I don’t want him assuming everything is okay.
Blake looks down at the bar top. “I miss him.”
I lift the last of the bacon from the pan, turn off the flame and go to him, pulling him into a tight hug. “Oh, honey, I know you do. He misses you too, so very much.”
“When he comin’ home?” he asks into my chest, where I’ve buried his little face.
I pull back and look into his sad, blue eyes. “It’s going to be a while longer, sweetie. Cam has to be well before he can come home.” I step back and try to lighten the mood. “Now, you ready for some bacon?”
“I guess,” he replies with a shrug.
“Hey, aren’t you excited to go to Ms. Charlotte’s?” I ask, trying to keep my voice light and upbeat, even though I feel anything but. “Aren’t you having fun with your new friends?”
I go back to the stove and plate him some food, waiting to hear his response. “I do like them, and Blaine’s there, too, but I like playin’ wif Cam more,” he says quietly.
I place his plate in front of him and reach over and kiss him on his head. “I know, sweetie, I know.”
Tears of anger burn my eyes.
Anger at what this disease is doing to my boys.
Both of them.
-4
Cam’s condition is deteriorating rapidly. His nausea has gotten so bad that they’ve introduced a tube to make sure he stays nourished, and the rash has spread to almost every area of his body.
It’s almost too much to bear when I look at him. They’re keeping him on pain meds, and it seems to be doing the trick, but he can’t be kept too far under as he needs his reflexes when he can’t keep the nausea at bay.
After today, it’s just one more day.
One day.
I try to keep that chant going in my head. One more day and this will be over, one more day. But it won’t. Although the transplant itself won’t cause any side effects, the symptoms he’s experiencing now won’t just disappear with the end of treatment.
No, the poison will remain behind and continue to ravage his body.
“Hey, honey,” Mom says as she and Bunnie enter the room. “How are you holding up?” She comes over and throws her arms around me for a strong, supportive hug.
I want to fall apart in her arms. It would be so easy to give into the turmoil that races through me, but I can’t. I have to be strong for my boy, even though he’d probably never know if I did fall apart since he seems to spend more time sleeping than awake.
“As well as can be expected I guess,” I answer as I pull away.
When Mom moves, Bunnie places a soft kiss on my cheek. “We’ll make it through this,” she assures, giving my hand a squeeze.
“I know we will. It’s even harder than I imagined, though.”
“Oh, baby. Of course, it is,” my mom says. “How could your mind ever imagine this?” She waves her hand over my precious little boy who’s curled under his blanket. “It couldn’t. To imagine seeing your child in pain and actually seeing it are two entirely different monsters. Each one scary in its own right.”
The door opens and all three of us turn our heads. Trystan comes into the room and smiles when he sees both of our mothers here. “Hey, Moms!” he greets them with a smile.
“My boy,” Bunnie says as she rises to meet him with a hug and kiss on the cheek.
He hugs her heartily and moves to my mom to give her a kiss on the cheek. “What a nice surprise. You’re both here so ea
rly.”
“Actually,” my mom says, glancing at Trystan’s mom. “There’s a reason for our visit.” She fidgets with her hands before continuing. “Bunnie and I have decided that you two need to get out of here for a little bit.” She points her finger at me. “Especially you.”
When I open my mouth to protest, she holds up her hands. “No, young lady. You’ve been here day in and day out nearly nonstop. It’s time to take a little time for yourselves. Go out, eat lunch, go by the house, take a shower―”
“Ease some tension,” Bunnie interjects, her eyes flicking between Trystan and me.
My mom rolls her eyes but keeps talking. “Spend some time together, just the two of you. The only time you’ve seen each other is in this room. Just get away for a little while.”
This is going to be a battle, so I square my shoulders. “I can’t.”
Trystan, who has a hopeful expression, deflates before my eyes. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was in on the ambush. But he isn’t, he’s just as surprised as I am about the intervention. I guess he agrees with their point, though.
My mom kneels beside my chair and takes my hands in hers. “Baby, no one is asking you to run away and forget about Cam. All we’re asking is that you take a few hours and get yourself together.” She reaches up and brushes a curl behind my ear. “You look as if you’re going to break down at any minute. As if you think you need to be everything for Cam, when in all actuality, he has a whole family who loves him dearly and can help you through this. It’s only begun, honey, don’t try and shut us out now. Take what we’re offering and embrace it. And then come back here better for Cam.”
I listen to her words, and I hear what she’s saying, but it’s so hard to let go. To leave him in someone else’s care and go. I have nothing out there that needs me more, aside from Blake, and I’d like to think he understands.
Trystan comes over and squats beside my chair. “Baby, I have to agree.”
That’s all he says aloud, but his eyes say so much more. He needs this, too. He needs me to leave with him and allow myself a reprieve from the pain, if only for a little while.