by M Helbig
The blonde hylf shoved the last of her pack into position to complete the semicircle and surround us. Whenever one of them was about to hop forward to attack, she let out a single yelp and they stopped and looked back at her in embarrassment. I wasn’t sure why until I caught her staring at the mayor.
“So, I’m guessing that homely blonde one’s their leader or something,” Alizia said.
“Inspect says she is their queen,” Olaf said. “And if it were not for her posture problem, I would consider her quite beautiful. Are you only saying that because she has a nicer crown than you?”
Alizia rubbed her hands through the multi-colored headdress she called a crown. “Olaf, I’m aghast at your unwarranted and completely true accusation. Why, crown envy isn’t even a real thing.”
“You just said it was,” Yary said.
“His accusation is true. Crown envy is not. Do try to keep up, not-new-Yary.” She summoned her scepter and shield. “Horus, do be a good lad and ring the mayor’s bell a few more times. Those earmuff things don’t look very effective and I wanna see if it might work on ’em before I start my ballad-worthy smackfest back to the bind point.”
Something was definitely off if Alizia was the one having good ideas, which made me wonder. If she was an NPC sent by the game to undermine us and make us die more, maybe this seemingly good idea of hers would backfire and end up with us all dead. I didn’t really see the point, given that the AI could just have the hylves easily finish us off with their numbers. But then again, I knew by law there was a very narrow list of things the AI was allowed to directly effect.
Since we didn’t really have any other options, I decided to try conking the mayor again. Peculiarly, the farther my sword went, the wider the Hylf Queen’s eyes got. When my sword reached all the way above the mayor’s head, she let out a reflexive gasp. I lowered my sword to the mayor’s neck instead. “Can you understand us, Your Majesty?”
Fury lit her bright blue eyes but she nodded. “Urrrp!”
“Horus, this’s hardly the time for you to work on your pickup lines,” Alizia said.
“If you let us out of here safely, we’ll give you the mayor,” I said to the queen.
“No way,” Alizia said. “Without him, I won’t get my night full of free boozing. Offer rejected so hard.”
“You won’t get that either if they all rush in and kill us,” I said.
Alizia looked back and forth over the twenty-plus line of hylves. “Can stupid Horus come back out to play? Fine. They can have Mayor Brass-Skull.”
The queen glanced back and forth between her pack and our group, the calculation in her eyes getting fiercer at each pass. She finally stopped and bit her lip. “Ur.” She bobbed her head reluctantly.
The mayor had finally come to, so I prodded him forward. I carefully made my way toward the queen while keeping an eye on the hylves to make sure they didn’t try to double-cross me. When I got halfway, a purple rabbit bounced in my path. At first, I assumed it’d jumped there until a second one plopped next to it, landing on its head and rolling to the side. When their antlers became entangled, I realized they weren’t rabbits at all. I craned my head to the side, careful to keep my blade on the mayor, and saw Alizia scooping up another one with her shield.
“What’re you doing?” I asked.
“Evening the odds,” Alizia said as she flung another one.
I grit my teeth and tried to maneuver around the jackalopes—which went about as well as you’d expect, given that I had to keep my blade near the mayor’s throat. I pushed the mostly dazed mayor to the side to go around, but the jackalopes followed. Several of the hylves let out a yelping laugh.
“Could you please stop helping?” I glanced back, but could see no sign of Olaf.
“Nope,” Alizia said. “You said we should take turns being leader, so I decided to use mine. Your plan sucked, so I figured it was time for me to prove I’m more than just a pretty face and muster some reinforcements.”
I looked at the jackalopes, hoping they’d reveal their vicious teeth and attack our enemies, but they were back to munching on grass. Fortunately, the hylves were similarly enamored with the jackalopes. I carefully peeled my eyes back to the queen and barely made out a small cloud of dirt puffing up from the ground behind her. Someone was invisible. Someone small and sneaky.
“Everyone get ready. Olaf’s about to—"
Before I could finish the sentence, my feet fell out from under me as the ground thundered up and down. At first, I thought it might be some sort of spell from the queen, except she was even more surprised than I was. When the shock wore off, I threw a quick look around and saw Hippity the giant jackalope thundering into view with Darpel trotting behind him.
Hippity went straight for Alizia. She raised her shield, but considering she was flat on her back, the gesture was more for show. The giant jackalope put his nose under the edge of the shield and flicked it off. In a blink, his mouth went for her exposed stomach. I closed my eyes in horror as she let out a loud . . . laugh? I opened my eyes again to find the bunny rubbing his unusually long tongue over her.
“Stop it, you big goof,” Alizia said. “How did you know my one weakness? I’m . . . tickl—ha ha ha ha. Stop!”
“Aha!” Darpel said. “Behold, our mortal enemy, the hylf, has miraculously appeared right in front of us!”
Laniel stuck her head out from behind him. “Or one of our new friends drew us to them by tossing my new pets around.”
“Yes! And observe as the hylf inexplicably runs straight toward us, his yellow mustache bouncing up and down comically on his wrinkled face. It’s a wonder their species has survived as long as they have. You’d suspect their thin frame would not be able to support such an overly large head. Mrs. Hippity, stop your playing this instant! Battle approaches and you have a tiny, gnome-like hylf to eat.” He pointed at Olaf who, despite Sneak dropping, was still unnoticed behind the hylf queen. “Attack!”
Hippity stopped licking Alizia and leapt into action. Our group yelled out that Olaf was not a hylf, but the panicked words muddled together into nothing comprehensible. We were probably too late anyway. In a panic, Olaf dropped his dagger, catching the hylf queen for 3 as it brushed against her side. He hit the ground but somehow managed to spring up at the last second. It looked like he was attempting to roll under the leaping giant, but he stumbled and fell face first into the ground instead. The jackalope was positioned to perfectly land with all her weight on our tiny friend, but inexplicably cut her leap short and leapt again directly into the hylf line.
She flattened three hylves as she landed, grabbed one more in the torso and tossed the top half of its body into the rest of the line, bowling over many more. A few of them managed to make it out of the group and run away, but she knocked them back in with her antlers. I wasn’t sure if Hippity had misunderstood her owner’s orders—she was smarter than him and was following his intent instead of his words—or Olaf had gotten lucky. When his shock wore off, Olaf crawled toward the group.
Darpel scratched his head. “Mrs. Hippity, those aren’t—”
Laniel covered his mouth. “Yes, they are. Notice their yellow spotted fur and doglike features.”
Darpel gave a thumbs up and she removed her hand. “Ah, like that.” He indicated the Hylf Queen. “Pointed ears, pale skin, lustrous hair—” His eyes widened in horror as he turned back to Laniel. “You’re a hylf too! Mrs. Hippity, I found another one!”
Hippity dropped the mangled corpse of a hylf onto the pile of carnage below her and bounded toward Laniel. The three smaller jackalopes took up position between Hippity and their master. At the last second, she turned and devoured the head of the Hylf Queen in one terrifying bite. With copious amounts of blood marring her purple coat, she focused her attention on the ground and began nibbling on a patch of grass.
You have gained 8,800 (8,000 +800 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 91,551/100,000 to next level.
You have received +100 Faction with Town
of Grimrag! Total: 180 Town of Grimrag (Friendly).
Alizia took a few steps away from the giant jackalope, only stopping when her back touched a boulder. “So, I’m guessing she’s the real brains of the team.”
Laniel and Darpel had an internal debate on what they should say in front of us. It finally ended when Darpel ran off to pet Hippity who he was seeing again for the first time.
“Tamers have an ability called Transfer Consciousness allowing us to directly take control of our pets, while leaving our own bodies completely helpless. Darpel used his a bit too long with Hippity—some say for over a year—and not all of his mental faculties came back.”
“Ah, so that’s why Hippity knew which ones to attack,” Alizia said. “She kept the smart parts of Darpel.”
Laniel rolled her eyes as Darpel rubbed his face into the fur below Hippity’s bloody mouth. “No, she just likes the taste of hylves. That part of Darpel seems to be gone forever.”
Alizia edged along the boulder farther away. “Riiight. Well, sorry we didn’t kill enough hylves to finish your quest. Really nice meeting you. We’ll just take our mayor and be going. Other quest is on a timer, and, you know . . .” She tapped her wrist even though she wasn’t wearing a watch.
“Of course. When you turn it in, we could still use your help. It’ll be quite a while until my three new pets are leveled up enough to begin our assault. Hopefully I can get Darpel to take on another one as well, but I’m not holding my breath.”
Darpel’s face was now completely covered in blood as he continued to nuzzle Hippity. I was quite confident I’d have nightmares from the scene for years to come.
Alizia’s head peeked out the side of the boulder. “Horus, Yary, could one of you be a dear and fetch Mayor McBeard so we can get on our way?”
Yary’s face was lined with indecision as she internally debated going near the giant murder bunny and doing what her new friend had requested, so I moved forward. The mayor’s hair was visible over a small boulder halfway between us, so I wouldn’t even have to get that close; though the way Darpel cuddled Hippity made me doubt we were in any immediate danger.
With his rescuers laid to waste, we probably wouldn’t even need to keep knocking out the mayor. He was obviously in such shock at the scene that he hadn’t even attempted to escape. I felt bad for what these encounters must’ve done to his mental state, especially as he already suffered from Stockholm Syndrome, but NPC psychiatry wasn’t one of my class’s skills. We were tasked to bring him home, and that was what we were going to do.
“All right, Leadbeard. Let’s get going.” I reached to tap his head and get his attention, and his head rolled to the side. I tapped it again, and his head continued rolling right up until it stopped at my feet. I jumped back, trying and failing to keep the blood off my shoes. The rest of his body was nowhere to be seen.
“Crippity crap!” Alizia said. “No free booze now.”
Olaf appeared next to me. “Also, a man is dead. I feel terrible for his wife and those that care about him.” Sadness wrinkled his face further.
“Do you think it’ll count as a half credit if we bring the head back?” Alizia asked. “Half-off booze is still pretty good.”
Hippity raised her head and let out a large belch, spitting out what looked to be the lower half of the mayor before happily returning to munching on the grass.
Alizia ventured out from behind the boulder. “Maybe we can glue the head back on and she won’t notice?”
Olaf picked up the head and sent it to his pack. “No, we’re not. We’ll return all of this to her for a proper burial.”
“But . . . but Weekend at Bernie’s?”
Olaf sent the rest of the mayor’s remains to his bag. “No. And even I am too old for that reference. That movie must have come out before my grandfather was born.”
Olaf was right. For someone who was supposed to be about my age, that was a really old reference. The AI was slipping. I was beginning to wonder if she’d somehow pushed the mayor toward Hippity in her efforts to sabotage us. I’d definitely have to keep an eye on her.
Laniel grimaced as she stared at the pool of blood from the mayor. “I’m really sorry. Could you maybe not tell the dwarves about our hand in this? Hippity really is just a mindless beast.”
“Sure,” I said. “We owe it to Hippity and the rest of you. We’d all be dead if she hadn’t intervened anyway.”
Laniel let out a deep sigh. “Thank you. I’ll probably need to head to their village in a week or so for supplies, and it’d be nice if they weren’t waiting for me with pitchforks.”
“One thing you could answer for me, Laniel, or else I won’t be able to sleep tonight,” Alizia said. “Why do these hylves look so much like high elves?”
“Coincidence,” Laniel said.
“Uh-huh . . . What’s the real reason? Wizard experiment gone wrong? Forbidden romance between a high elf maiden and a randy hyena . . . or a randy high elf and a hyena maiden? Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the lead pipe?”
“I have no idea what that last one means,” Laniel said. “But it doesn’t matter because I’m forbidden by law from telling you. To even give you a hint would lead to permanent exile.”
Before Alizia could open her mouth again, Olaf frantically pointed to remnants of the queen. “Look, Alizia, loot. I’ll bet she has some very interesting stuff on her. I managed to do a small bit of damage, so we should have loot rights.”
“That must be why we only got experience from her and not the rest of them,” I said.
Yary clapped. “Maybe she has some spells for me.”
Alizia bounced her frowning face between Yary and Laniel before giving up and kneeling to loot the corpse. “It’s a good thing for both of you that Olaf knows my one weakness: my love of loot and my love of royal accoutrements.”
Yary held up two fingers while scrunching her head in confusion. I shook my head at her.
Alizia has looted Queen Ur’Bleep Murghh.
You have received 3 gold and 4 silver as your share of the loot (out of 17 gold).
As group leader, Horus has been granted the loot: Spell: Scroll of Acid Pellet, Hide N’ Go Ring.
Item: Scroll of Acid Pellet
Restrictions: Level 10 Required
Magic Types: Arcane Magic, Nature Magic
MP Cost: 25
Casting Time: 2 seconds
Resist: Earth
Effect: Create a tiny, round pellet of acid that inflicts the Weak Acid debuff on contact with a target. Can also slowly dissolve weaker, non-living objects.
Item: Hide N’ Go Ring
Restrictions: Thief class only, Sneak skill required
Slot: Finger
Rarity: Uncommon
AC: 0
Stat Bonus: +4 DEX
Special Abilities: +5 Sneak
Weight: 1 Pebble
Description: Now you see me, now you see me less.
“Neat,” Alizia said. “A spell. Aren’t those rare?”
Olaf slapped me on the back. “Extremely. Spells from scrolls cannot be learned from trainers either. I have seen much worse ones go for over five hundred gold before.”
Yary’s eyes widened. “Wow. In!”
“Oooh, the hijinks I could get into with those two things together. No one would ever see the acid coming. World, here comes your next streaming star.” Alizia rubbed her hands together. “In on both.”
“You can’t use either of them,” Olaf said.
“Says who?”
“The item description.”
“What does that thing know? I demand a recount.”
Olaf glared at her and Alizia returned his gaze.
After a tense minute, she finally cracked a smile and burst into laughter. “Match conceded. Take your wretched class-specific items from my sight. They don’t match my outfit anyway.”
“And again, Yary, you can’t use spells,” Olaf said.
Yary looked like she was staring into space. “Oh, yo
u’re right. It only lists Nature and Arcane Magic. No Punching Magic.”
“Congratulations, Horus,” Olaf said.
“Congrats to you too.” I summoned both items from my bag and handed the ring to Olaf. I almost used the scroll immediately but stopped at the last second when Olaf’s words rolled through my mind. If I could sell this thing, I’d have enough money to upgrade all my equipment and probably the rest of the groups’ as well.
The spell did seem useful, though. My only truly offensive spell was Heat and that required you to maintain casting on your target—an often impossible thing to do in combat. It’d be nice to contribute to the team’s offense more. And with Yary in the group, I probably wouldn’t be healing too often. Both options were very appealing. Before I could decide, Alizia moved toward Laniel. Knowing I’d probably have to intervene, I sent the scroll back to my bag to decide later.
“I’ve got it. You’re embarrassed that they’re related to you, so you go around killing them to avoid explaining to the neighbors,” Alizia said to Laniel. “I have a cousin like that—minus the killing part. Have you tried sticking fake beards on them and changing their names? How about we start calling them hywarves?”
Laniel’s eyes went wide. “You must promise to never speak that to another soul. It’s a deeply kept secret that we’re not supposed to tell outsiders.”
“I think this ‘secret’ is pretty obvious to everyone, but we agree,” I said.
“We agree on what?” Alizia asked.
“Exactly,” I said.
“No, really, I can’t remember. I haven’t had a healing potion in days, and I think it’s affecting my memory.”
“Laniel, your secret is safe with us. It’s been a pleasure, but we need to get back and let the widow know of this unfortunate incident now.” I held out my hand.
Laniel moved forward to shake but caught a whiff of me and retreated, covering her nose. “Yes, I need to begin leveling my new pets anyway. If you finish killing fifty of those things, be sure to let me know so I can give you your reward.”