by M Helbig
“Oh. Hi, Horus.” She swatted again. “Dirty Horus, trying to take advantage of my sightless state! How dare you? We’re on the same side and stuff.”
“Gerinashu looks like he’s about to do a special attack, and I’m trying to move you out of the way.” I gave her another push, but she wouldn’t budge.
Yary rushed over a few seconds later, and we were finally able to get Alizia moving right as Gerinashu leaned low to spew forth a bluish energy. Peculiarly, I saw no damage numbers as the translucent energy enveloped most of the dwarves or even when it finally faded. However, as the rest of us renewed our assault, none of those who’d been touched by it joined in. All stayed in whatever pose they’d previously been in, just like Ulinnia above. Closer examination showed the Stunned icons over their heads.
Fistbeard rolled back in from the other side of Gerinashu and unleashed devastating attacks to the opposite foot. “Like he wasn’t powerful enough when he was still alive, now he be getting that Breath of the Dead ability like them mummies and wights be getting.”
Gerinashu gave several slow, hard stomps that our group easily dodged, as did Fistbeard and his still-mobile kin. However, the frozen dwarves were completely at his mercy. He seemed to take great joy as he squished them in droves, even going over the area after they were obviously dead several more times until the field was covered in blood.
When he was finished, the remaining dwarves laid into him with a renewed fury. Gerinashu’s HPs began to drop faster, but in their anger, most of the dwarves stopped paying attention and were easily caught when he unloaded another Breath of the Dead. Ten minutes later, there were only my group and Fistbeard left. I was quite impressed that we’d managed to get Gerinashu down to 26,000 HPs, considering there were only five of us, he was a raid boss, and he out-leveled all but Fistbeard by quite a bit.
“Is it me or is this guy a tad overrated?” Alizia asked. “Sure, he’s huge—I think, anyway—and hits really hard, but that’s only if you let him hit you. He’s pretty much a bigger version of that butler we fought in our first dungeon.”
Fistbeard rolled under Gerinashu’s latest stomp and began punching his heel when the foot landed. “Says you, green-skin. I be the one takin’ all of them flamin’ death rays in the noggin.”
“Death rays?” Alizia squealed in delight. “Neat! Can I take the helmet off now? I wanna see. I wanna see.”
“No,” Olaf and I said in unison.
“If something happens to Fistbeard, we’re going to need you to take over,” I said. “And you’ll be squished in seconds without it.”
Alizia removed her hand from her helmet. “Fine, but one of you better record some of those death rays for me.”
“Run to your left now, Alizia,” I said as Gerinashu lowered his open mouth. “Unless you want to be bad-breathed to death.”
Alizia giggled and did as she was told. “No stinky for this girl.”
“The only stinky ye’ll be havin’ is when I get some me special brew in ye after this be over, greenskin.” Fistbeard smiled and performed his patented tumbling roll. Just like before, it was obvious he’d get ten feet clear of Gerinashu’s blast. Inexplicably, a wall of ice appeared out of nowhere in his path and the ethereal blue energy of Gerinashu’s breath barely enveloped our friend. The wall of ice evaporated with Gerinashu’s breath, yet Fistbeard remained frozen all the same.
“Oy! Now who be havin’ the greatest beard in Grimrag, Fisty?” Tinkerbeard cackled from Gerinashu’s shoulder and raised a glowing blue steampunk rifle over his head in triumph.
“It’s not you, you lunatic,” Alizia said as she lifted her scepter threateningly toward the plains behind us. “You’re not even in Grimrag.”
Tinkerbeard scratched his head with his rifle. “Well, I will be when we get back there anyway.”
I raised my bow and said a silent prayer. My shot was a little off, but it still accomplished its goal. Tinkerbeard’s weapon began to smoke as my arrow split one of the larger wires, and he was forced to toss it over the side when it caught fire. I put my bow away and spun toward Alizia to get the second part of my plan into motion, but Olaf was already ahead of me. He gave her a gentle push and she charged toward Gerinashu’s foot.
“I Shout at you, you bony monstrosity who’s ironically not capable of getting a boner anymore!” Even though she was unable to see, Alizia still connected with the house-sized foot. The 2 her strike caused was probably the equivalent of a mosquito bite to one of us, yet Gerinashu still growled in anger and focused on her.
“So, now what?” Alizia asked. “Gerny’s got his hard-on for me now—Sorry, Gerny. Low blow. Anyway, what’s the plan to you know, eventually kill him and take all the fabulous and hopefully potion-filled loot he’s sure to possess?”
As I pondered the question, I didn’t notice Gerinashu raise the foot in front of Alizia. Olaf and Yary did, but they were too far to get to her in time and guide her away when the foot went crashing down on top of her.
Naturally, Alizia wasn’t listening to my shouts, being too absorbed in throwing more insults about the skeleton’s perceived lack of manhood. As I tried and failed to come up with some way to save her, Gerinashu’s foot buried her in the ground. To make matters somehow worse, I couldn’t even hear me curse myself, as a much louder string of curses drowned them out . . . familiar curses. Odd curses about mummies wrapping rolls of coins in their bandages to compensate for certain missing body parts. “Alizia! You’re alive.”
“And you forgot to protect your blind princess from giant-foot fungus.”
Gerinashu quickly raised his foot as he howled in pain, having taken a whopping 160! while Alizia only took a modest 15, as well as the indignity of having to be pulled out of the two-foot hole she’d made in the dirt below.
“Well that solves the problem of how to hurt him,” I said.
“One of these days I’m going to figure out how to switch to Bard, and then you’re going to have to pick someone else to be your human piñata shield.” Alizia sighed. “All right, coach, put me back in there. Point me toward my musty, toe-filled destiny.”
After I set Alizia in the right direction, the rest of us went back to pounding on Gerinashu for our epic, single-digit damage. Despite Alizia’s grumbling, she was mostly enjoying herself, as all she had to do was stand there, hurl insults at Gerinashu, and get pried out of the ground every time he stomped on her. Even though almost all our damage was being caused by Alizia getting stepped on, we managed to drop Gerinashu down to 22,000 hit points over the next five minutes. At that rate, I figured we could finish him off in two or three more hours.
Somehow Tinkerbeard had managed to hold on through most of Gerinashu’s erratic movements, though his meaty hands did finally give out. I was looking forward to hearing him splatter on the ground, but he stopped halfway. As he spun around in midair, a glint of metal from his waist caught my eye. I zoomed in with the telescopic lens on my hat and realized it was a climbing harness with a thin rope extended up to Gerinashu’s collar. When Gerinashu recovered, he hoisted his follower back up to his shoulder.
We again pulled Alizia out of the ground. In a personal best, we got her out in fewer than ten seconds. I didn’t even have to point her to Gerinashu this time, as she immediately ran at him.
“Wow. World conquering must’ve been a lot easier back in them olden days if a moron like you could do it.” Alizia banged her scepter against her helmet. “But I guess your motto is ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again until the holes merge to make your foot disappear,’ huh? Oh, yeah. I Shout at you and stuff.”
“See how disappear you like, when this I do.” Blue energy began to pool in Gerinashu’s open mouth, but right before he leaned over to release it, Tinkerbeard hopped up and whispered something in his ear. Gerinashu closed his mouth and stepped back.
Flames slowly rose in his eyes. My mind began to spin through and then discard every crazy idea I could think of. When the flames appeared ready to burst forth, I g
ave up and let my instinct take over. “Alizia, take the helmet off now!”
Alizia scratched the top of the helmet. “Umm, no. I’m not going to be squish—”
The flame covered Alizia and a ten-foot section around her. I tried to cast a Regrowth, but my panicked fingers betrayed me again. The flames disappeared a second later and a helmet rolled against my foot—a familiar rusty one that scattered a pile of dust after I kicked it in frustration. The dust should have been just as familiar to me, considering who it’d once belonged to . . . or rather been a part of.
Burned Up
“Guys,” Alizia said in group chat. “I think he teleported me back to my bind point . . . and stole my ugly, awesome hat too. What a jerk.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re dead,” Yary said.
Alizia gasped. “One hundred and fifty-seven gold! That’s almost all I have. Why the heck did I lose that much? Last time it was only fifteen.”
Gerinashu cackled. “Whose skull empty now is?”
“Mine” was the only answer that came to mind. I’d failed Alizia twice in the span of only a few minutes. We’d need a miracle to survive this.
Thankfully, I wasn’t alone.
Olaf made a very Alizia-like face and shook his dagger at Gerinashu. “Alizia obviously couldn't hear that, so who were you directing it at?”
Gerinashu stopped laughing and pointed at Olaf. “My next victim at, obviously.”
“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Olaf performed a neat roll under Gerinashu’s moving foot, quickly picked up the fallen helmet and put it on. He turned himself into a human battering ram, charging directly into Gerinashu’s foot. The damage numbers weren’t nearly as huge as the ones Alizia had delivered, but they were a lot more numerous since he didn’t need to wait to be stepped on.
Olaf hurled insults, and Yary let out a hoot. I wasn’t sure what else I could do, so I fired a few arrows. Gerinashu roared and raised his foot, but stopped when Tinkerbeard once again whispered something in his ear. Red flames shot from his eyes, and by the time I could see again, a pile of ash lay where Olaf had been. The good news was that I became sure that even if I’d gotten a Regrowth off before, Alizia would’ve still died; the bad news was this time I hadn’t even managed to attempt to save my friend. The helmet crashed to the ground a second later, scattering the ashes to the four winds.
“Olaf?” Alizia asked in group chat. “I knew you wanted a little alone time with me, but surely there was a better way.”
“I did not die so I could see you again—one hundred and twenty-one gold?” Olaf asked. “How could my death possibly cost that much? I only bought a few new items since my last death and that cost twenty-two.”
Yary made a beeline for the helmet, falling backward at the last second as a giant foot crashed down in front of her. As soon as Gerinashu raised his foot again, she leapt up and resumed her charge, having to turn back around as the giant opened his mouth to spew the bluish energy in front of him, centering on the helmet. When the energy dissipated, she easily made it to the helmet and held it over her head.
I felt guilty I hadn’t immediately made a move for it too, but I’d gained time to think. “Don’t put it on,” I said in group chat. “The Helmet of Fred is why their deaths suddenly cost so much. It’s an extraordinary class of item, so it must be worth a ton.”
“And the amount you pay for a death is based on how much the items you have equipped are worth,” Olaf said in group chat.
Yary lowered the helmet and stared at it. “Oooh.”
“Yeah, I’d like to rush back and help you guys,” Alizia said. “But I can’t afford another one hundred and fifty-seven gold.”
“We will still head back, in spite of what my loud compatriot said, but I do not think we will be able to make it in time,” Olaf said.
“One hundred and fifty-seven gold? That’s all? I can afford ten or eleven of those.” Yary raised the helmet again, but this time a second voice called out for her to stop.
“Don’t ye be doin’ that, lass,” Fistbeard’s voice said right in front of her, though his body was still a flattened, unmoving mess fifty feet away. “Yer a Bruiser, and we Bruisers don’t be needin’ no fancy magic hats to be beatin’ no overgrown bags o’ bone. Ye just be needin’ to trust in what I taught ye.”
Yary’s eyes widened as she took in the bluish dwarven ghost. “But I am punching him.”
Fistbeard mumbled something under his breath. “A good start, I suppose. But what else did I teach ye?”
Gerinashu could hear Fistbeard’s speech as well. He pulled back mid-stomp to give Yary the time she needed to listen. My first thought was that he was doing that as something the developers had to put in to give players like us (who were fighting a boss way above our level) a chance to actually defeat him, but when I caught his devilish grin, I figured he was actually doing that so that our defeat would sting so much more. Tinkerbeard stood and shouted obscenities, trying to coax his master forward.
“Change my stance,” Yary said as she tossed the helmet aside. “Rhino? His stomps wouldn’t hurt so much then.” Her eyes focused on Fistbeard’s flattened body. “No, that won’t be enough, will it? What I need is to not let him hit me. Monkey stance!”
Gerinashu stomped down. Yary tucked and rolled under his foot and unloaded with a wicked array of punches and kicks. I pumped my fist in the air. Now we had a chance. We finally had a tank that didn’t need constant supervision to point at the target. And that left me to focus on damage, like I wanted. I’d no doubt she’d be able to avoid Gerinashu’s extremely powerful yet clumsy attacks. It’d only take—I used Inspect on Gerinashu again. He had 21,873 HPs left and with the 2s and 3s Yary and I were doing, that’d mean we’d finish him off in about—
With his foot still in the air, Gerinashu abruptly spun and lowered it at me. Tinkerbeard pointed and laughed. Crap. Yary still doesn’t have Shout. On instinct, I backpedaled. The good thing about fighting a thirty-foot-tall monster is they’re extremely slow, and as long as you’re paying attention, you barely even have to resort to a fast walk to move out of the way. The bad thing is that if you’re not paying attention—or, say, trip over a rock-hard, carelessly discarded helmet that you didn’t see behind you—you get turned into a bloody paste in one hit.
My butt hit the ground, and the helmet rolled next to my head like it wanted a front-row seat for my death. I was dead center of the massive foot, and the fall had inflicted Sprained Ankle.
I barely got the helmet on in time to survive the stomp. I felt like a tent peg being driven into the dirt by a massive hammer, yet it didn’t hurt. Gerinashu’s yelp of pain rebounded off the wide, hollow helmet.
I hurriedly scrambled to get myself out of the hole. Each new squirm from my lower body was moving me higher and higher, inch by inch. The biggest problem was that Gerinashu would assuredly stomp on me again before I got out.
The world suddenly went brighter. I winced from the pain of my abrupt return to the world of the seeing and winced again as a bright red flame shot toward me. It felt like I was being barbequed alive, but the 147! wasn’t nearly what Alizia and Olaf had taken. The helmet crashed down between me and my red-braided savior.
“Toss that helmet far away,” Fistbeard said. “It lowers yer fire resist so much that the weak flame attack of his can one-shot ye. Gerny’s foot’ll be comin’ down well before ye drag him out. Ye need to draw him away, and fer that ye need ta hit him like the true master Bruiser ye be now.”
“How?” Yary asked as she let go of me. “I don’t have aggro.”
“That wasn’t just an inspirin’ speech I gave ye. I also gave ye all me skills. Shout at him.”
Yary sprinted away from me. “I Shout at you! You’re a skeleton and probably don’t smell very nice.”
“Smell nice not need to when king. Better than that will have to do.” Gerinashu’s smirk turned into a scowl when his leg abruptly twisted in midair to aim for Yary. “Hate Shout, do I. Make skill illegal a
gain when king, will I.”
Yary had to leap to miss the flying foot, but she quickly bounced off the ground and resumed her assault. It was great to see her change from the clueless, often lazy player she’d been only a few days ago to the competent, hard-working person before me. We needed her to be that, or we had no other chance to win this. I was way out of my depth.
I was amazed as Yary effortlessly dodged foot after stomping foot and was even more amazed when I noticed she was now doing over 30 per hit. With her extra damage came bigger heals. I was already back to full.
I hit her with Inspect out of curiosity. I knew her gear was better than most people’s, but even that couldn’t explain a whopping 126 in Agility. I checked her buffs. The monkey-headed icon did give her extra attack speed off the stat sheet, but it was the second one that was clearly responsible.
Buff: Soul of a Master Bruiser
Bonus: +100 STR, +100 AGI, +100 DEX, +100 STA, +100 END, +25 to all Resists, +50 to all Bruiser skills (even if you haven’t learned them)
Duration: 4 minutes 52 seconds
Effect: With his last dying breath, the dwarven master Fistbeard temporarily passed on all his decades of experience to a worthy fellow Bruiser in avenging him against his killer, Gerinashu the Beige.
“What’s going on?” Alizia asked in group chat. “Did you run away from ol’ Beige and Bony, or did Horus come up with another brilliant plan to save the day—for himself, anyway?”
“Not me,” I said as I finally found my bow and fired an arrow for a barely noticeable 3. “All Yary. She’s going toe-to-toe with him and winning.”
“Yary?” Olaf and Alizia asked.
Gerinashu tried to raise his foot for another stomp, but Yary vaulted up and performed a double-booted stomp of her own, forcing the massive foot back to the ground. As Gerinashu tilted awkwardly from the unexpected counter, Yary rushed up his foot and began work on his ankle.
“Yes?” Yary asked in group chat. “Sorry, kind of busy here. Can we hold off on any chatter until I finish this smelly face? I want to see if skeletons can cry.”