I sit up and put my hands out in an act of surrender. “I can see my work here is done.”
She laughs and pulls at me, bringing me back down on top of her. “You’re such a smartass.”
“Yeah, but I’m your smartass.”
“You are.”
The only thing that runs through my mind is that she said I was hers. I’m hers.
“Say that again.”
“What? That you’re a smartass?”
“No, not that. That I’m yours. Because you sure as fuck are mine.”
Sadness creeps into her stare. “Of course you’re mine, Hudson. There was never a moment where I doubted my love for you. I questioned my trust, but never my love.”
“And now?”
“Now…”
Her hesitation sends my heart into panic. Now what? Does she still not trust me? Does she still see lies and deceit every time she looks at me? Because I can’t live with that. I can’t live without her looking at me and seeing hope, a future.
“Now I’m working on it. We’re working on it. I love you, Hudson. I’ve already told you that won’t change. Not now, not ever.”
I kiss her, because for right now, that’s good enough for me. Our lips fuse together in a heated moment and our bodies search for one another, seeking warmth and love. If the house burned down around us right now, we’d know the fire started right on this very bed.
I snake my arms around her and strip off her bra, not pausing as I pull down her panties. We part long enough for me to shed my boxer briefs and cover myself with a condom. Not even thirty seconds later, I’m back between her thighs, feeling her legs wrap around me like a blanket. There’s not an inch between us, but it takes no time for me to slide right into the warm center I’m seeking. We create a beautiful symphony with every thrust and pant, glued together by sweat and the greed for release.
“Rae…”
“I know. I’m almost there.”
I lift some, reaching between us to massage her clit, knowing it’ll send her over the edge that I’m clinging to like it’s my last hope. She lifts from the bed, back arched high, hovering for only a moment before crying out in pleasure. I can feel her spasm around my dick, every squeeze dragging me closer and closer to the edge. With two more thrusts, I follow her release, surrendering myself to the pull.
I collapse in a heap on top of her, conscious of my weight on her small frame.
“Hand to God, I just had the best fucking orgasm of my life.”
She slaps my back. “Hudson! You can’t say ‘God’ and ‘fucking’ in the same sentence. Or ‘orgasm.’”
“Says who?”
“Me!”
Laughing, I roll off her, pulling her with me. She rests her head on my chest, snuggling closer into me. I kiss the top of her head, letting my lips linger because the last thing I want is to let this blissful moment go.
“You ruin all my fun,” I say, brushing my lips against her head.
“You love when I do.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
Every time she’s said that these last few weeks, I’ve had these odd aches in my chest like someone’s there with a chisel, carefully carving those two words into my chest cavity. Slowly.
But now? Now it feels good. It feels hopeful. It’s enough.
“We’re good together, huh?”
I know she’s not just talking about the amazing sex we just had, but us in general. And she’s right. We have issues, that much is clear. But I think our willingness to work through them makes us strong—stronger than our issues. Even though Rae walked out and I fucked up, no matter how many times I felt those little fissures in my heart grow, I always knew we’d find a way back to each other. Because we’ve always done that. Shit, we technically spent almost twenty years apart and still—somehow, someway—we found our way back. As unintentional as it may have been, it happened. And it’s led us to this moment. Despite the mistakes we’ve both made, the problems we’ve had, I wouldn’t change where we’re at right now for anything.
“We are.”
“I think it’s because of what happened on the beach all those years ago. You rescuing me.”
“Why do you think that?”
“You saved me, Hudson. You gave me life. Shit doesn’t get more intimate and ingrained in your soul than that.”
I chuckle at her eloquent way of putting it. But I don’t disagree.
“That could be the case. Or I could just be so amazing that you can’t resist me.”
“Or that. But I doubt it.”
Shuffling around until I can reach, I smack her ass. “You’re a shit.”
“But I’m your shit.” I lift my brows at her choice of words and she laughs. “Doesn’t work there, huh?”
“Not at all.”
I wake with a full heart and an empty bed.
Only one of them is satisfying.
Reaching over, I feel that the sheets are cold, like they’ve been abandoned for hours. Where in the hell did she go?
I sit, swinging my legs off the side of the bed. Panic washes over me like a tidal wave. It’s quick and harsh, pressing on my chest. Where is she? Did she change her mind? Is she not ready to move on? Fuck!
It’s almost as quick as the tidal wave crashes that a quick smack of shut-the-fuck-up-and-stop-being-dumb hits me. I ignore my idiotic brain, because I know none of that’s true. She didn’t change her mind. She’s ready to move on. We’re ready to move on. After the way we made love last night, there’s no denying that. It wasn’t a moment of goodbye; it was a new beginning.
I laugh to myself. A new beginning? We’ve had one before. Almost a year ago now, actually. After the accident involving Rae and Joey and almost losing them both, we started over. We built something new from scratch. So maybe this isn’t another beginning. Maybe it’s just the next chapter. Or even a second act. Either way, it’s new, it’s fresh, and it’s what is needed.
Pushing myself from the bed, I go in search of Rae. I have a hunch she’s out on the beach, standing there staring out at the ocean with the wind whipping her auburn hair around in a crazy-beautiful way. My suspicions are confirmed when I reach the full-length windows in the living room facing the shores. It’s easy to spot the outline of her small stature standing just at the water’s edge. Even from here I can tell she’s deep in thought and can just imagine she’s sporting that little crinkle between her brows as they’re drawn together tight in concentration. I can’t help but wonder what it is that’s got her so pensive.
I take my time pulling on a shirt and jeans and slipping into my shoes, hoping to give her some more time to work through whatever it is that’s bouncing around inside her head. I’d normally let her just go about her business and give her space, but with everything that’s happened between us lately, I can’t help wanting to know where her head is right now.
Following her footprints down to the beach, I stop short when I get close to her and admire the view in front of me. She’s gorgeous, effortlessly so. A burst of pride and happiness raps on my chest at the thought that she’s mine forever.
She must sense me approaching because she speaks before I even announce my arrival.
“I was wondering when you’d wake up.”
I take the last few steps toward her, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. She leans into my embrace automatically, sighing in contentment.
“How long have you been out here?”
She shrugs. “An hour or so.” A small laugh. “It’s a shame I’ve let my past fears keep me from the water all my life. It’s peaceful out here. I think I’m a little in love with it.”
“It’s always been one of my favorite places. This exact stretch of beach, I mean. It’s quiet and never gets crowded, even during the tourist season. It’s the perfect place for a bonfire, cookout, party, or just a day of doing nothing. I’d always hoped that one day I’d be able to just pack up and move here permanently.”
“A year ago, I’d h
ave said there was no way in hell I’d do that. But now I highly doubt I’d put up much of a fight.”
I kiss the top of her head, thankful for how hard she’s worked to overcome her fear of the water. “Let’s do it, then. Plan a future here with me, Joey, you.”
“You forgot Rocky. And our new puppy.”
She twists around to smirk up at me, at the confused look on my face. “We have a new puppy?”
“We will after you buy me one for being a jackass,” she answers.
I can’t help the laugh that escapes. “You’re lucky I love you.”
Turning back around, she burrows into my embrace even further. “I know.”
She’s quiet again, and I can feel some apprehension creep into her body. I squeeze her tighter, rocking back and forth a little, almost in an effort to shake out what’s weighing on her.
Finally, after many more minutes of silence, I get the courage to ask. “What’s on your mind?”
“I want to see my dad.” Her response is so quiet that it almost gets lost in the wind.
“Okay. We can do that.”
Turning in my arms, she rests her head against my chest, fitting so perfectly that I can rest my chin on her head. I feel her head shake before she even speaks.
“No, Hudson. I need to do it alone.”
I sigh. Rae visiting with her father has potential to go south in a matter of moments. She’s angry, he’s hurting. They’re both in a very vulnerable spot. I don’t want her to be alone if it doesn’t end well. I’m scared she’ll turn what happens with him back onto us and run again. I can’t bear that.
But in the end, it’s not my decision.
“Okay.” Another deep breath. “Okay. When are you thinking of seeing him?”
She pulls back and peers up at me. I know she’s a little surprised by my reaction, but I can also see the appreciation shining from her eyes. My answer was most definitely the right one for her.
“Today.”
“Like today today?”
“Is there any other today?”
“No.”
“Then yes. I want to see him today.”
She steps away from my embrace, and I don’t miss the way she plants her feet into the sand just a little more, locking her legs in place, readying herself to stay firm on this. She doesn’t need to, though. I won’t argue with her or try to talk her out of it. If she thinks this is what she needs, then this is what she needs. I won’t stand in her way.
“I need to say everything I need to say while I have the courage to do so. Today is when I have it. So it has to be now.”
I give her a firm nod. “I’ll go get the car ready.”
Rae
I’m being tormented. By a fucking door.
It only took us thirty minutes to shower, dress, pack, and load the car for our trip home. Our ride was filled to the brim with deafening silence. But it wasn’t a cold silence. It was as comforting as it was necessary.
I know Hudson is worried about my decision to go see my father, but my intentions are nothing but pure. I’m not going out of anger or hurt. I’m going for answers, for resolutions, for truths. We need to move forward, to bridge that gap we’ve created in our relationship. I’m finally ready to break out the tools to begin building. Maybe one day I’ll even walk over it.
So here I am, standing on my father’s doorstep, attempting to build. But I can’t bring myself to start. I can’t knock—my hands won’t let me. I can’t curl my fist or raise my arm or rap my knuckles. None of it is possible. I’m stuck.
And the door is fucking mocking me.
Before I realize what I’m doing, and purely out of frustration, I rear my leg back and kick the door hard enough to rattle. I cry out as pain races up my foot. Fuck you, door!
“Fuck!”
The inanimate object that’s been teasing me for the past ten minutes opens up in a matter of seconds.
My father stands on the other side.
I can’t help the surge of anger that passes through me. I want to scream and accuse and point every single finger I have at him. But I don’t.
Instead, I clear my throat and speak to my father for the first time in almost a year. “Hi.”
Hi? Yep, that’s all I’ve got.
A smile ghosts his lips. “Hello.”
Then we stand there. Staring. It’s awkward, it’s irritating, it’s agonizing, and it’s relieving. It’s all these different emotions at once. It’s overwhelming to the point of tears. But I refuse to cry.
He scratches at the short beard covering his face then opens the door a little more with hesitation. “Do you want to come in?”
I want to laugh at this entire situation. Last year, I’d have just knocked once and waltzed right into his house. I wouldn’t have had to stand at his doorway with trepidation covering every action. However, things have changed. Majorly. This is just another side-effect of that change.
“Sure.”
I move past him, not pausing in the entryway, and head straight for the living room. I pause when I see that he’s gotten new furniture. Another change.
“Do you want something to drink?” he asks cautiously.
“No, I’m fine. I just… Can we get this over with?”
His shoulders sink at my words. I cringe because that came out sounding entirely too bitchy, and that’s not how I meant it.
“Sorry,” I start. “That didn’t sound like it should have. I have things to say and the courage to do so right this moment, and I just need to get it out. That’s all.”
He nods. “I understand. I have things of my own to say. Want to sit?”
“Nice couch,” I comment, taking a seat on it. It’s comfortable. Actually, it’s probably the only comfortable thing in this room. Everything else is suffocating, stiff, and unnerving.
I run my hands back and forth over the fabric, watching as it turns from a dark chocolate brown to a light mocha color with each stroke. It parallels life in a way. Like how just one simple act can impact things, changing them for everyone. I wish I could just wave my hand over it and change it back to a year ago, back to when things were simple, when I wasn’t hurting so much.
“Rae?” My father’s voice drags me from my thoughts. I turn toward him. “You wanted to talk?”
Folding my hands in my lap, I clear my throat. “I do.”
I fidget, my confidence waning by the minute. I had it all planned out: storm the front door, demand to talk, say what I had to say, and leave. That was it. Nothing fancy, nothing dramatic. Sitting here now feels the exact opposite. It feels complicated, climactic.
“So…”
I jump a little, startled by his voice. It seems loud, though I know it’s not.
“I want to start off by saying this: I love you.”
Glancing up, I watch his eyes fill with tears that threaten to spill over.
“I…”
I hold my hand up, stopping him. “Wait. Please. Let me get this out.”
He nods. I blow out a breath.
“I have had a lot of time to think about everything that happened last year. Sometimes, when I think about it, I get pissed. Sometimes I don’t, and I understand why you kept my ‘nightmare’ as just that, as a dream. I’ve come to terms with what happened back then, when Mom watched me drown. I know she was sick, Haley told me.”
He doesn’t react to that confession. I assume Hudson told him my sister and I have been on speaking terms for the past nine months or so.
“I never truly blamed her for taking her own life, but I have always wondered what led to it. It all makes sense now. There was a brief moment where I felt responsible, that what transpired on the beach is what led her over the edge, but I don’t think that anymore. I’m a little grateful for that part of everything, for believing it was a dream all these years. Because I would have felt that growing up. I’d have believed it was my fault she was gone. I’m old enough now to know the difference. I feel like I’ve been spared that particular kind of pain.”
I pause for a moment, dabbing at my eyes with the backs of my hands, trying to keep the tears at bay. I can see that my father is openly crying now. It hurts. But so does what’s happened.
“So I guess I’m saying thanks,” I continue. “Thanks for sparing me, for trying to help me. I don’t fully agree with it, but I understand it. I get it. You didn’t want me to feel at fault. Thank you.”
He acknowledges me by nodding, but not speaking yet.
“Now on to the anger. I’m mad. So damn irritated, Dad. It’s like every horrid dream I had for all those years is swimming around inside of me. I hate it, and it’s so hard to not want to direct that anger at you because you’re here. But again, that day isn’t your fault, just how you handled it is. I wish I had a better way of explaining that. I know it sounds like a mess, and that’s because it’s still all jumbled up inside here.” I hold my finger up to my temple. “I’m still working through it all.”
Lowering my hand, I go back to petting the couch, amazed again at how it relates to our conversation. I’m the one controlling the changes, how the couch changes with my touch. That choice was taken from me all those years ago. I didn’t get to deal with my problems myself. I didn’t get to choose how I handled my mother’s suicide or my drowning. I was young, so decisions were made for me. I can’t help but wonder how different I’d be now if I’d have felt more loved by her, if I’d have understood why she pushed me away so much. I’ll never get the chance to change how angry and neglected I felt, and it’s saddening that I carried those feelings for so many years. She didn’t deserve it. If I knew back then what I know now, I doubt I’d be feeling this now.
I’m quiet long enough for him to speak.
“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like your mother didn’t love you, that I didn’t explain better what was ailing her. I should have. You should have learned of Erin’s problems from me, not Haley. That was unfair.”
I whip my head toward him at his words. Unfair? What’s unfair is being lied to!
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