by Carter, Nick
When I became a celebrity at such a young age no one handed me an instruction manual or warnings about how to behave under the media spotlight. I felt like I was under a magnifying glass and that people were judging me all the time. The pressure got to me. The only place I was comfortable was on stage or in the studio. The rest of the time I wanted to run away and hide. I just wished I could be “normal.” I remember the conflict of having huge responsibility, success and power, but not feeling worthy of it. It seemed that I craved normalcy so much because I felt I didn’t deserve what I had been given. That attitude caused me to be irresponsible with my money and my relationships and my life. I rebelled against everyone’s expectations of me. The immaturity, insecurities and bad habits I had learned in childhood quickly led to turmoil and trouble.
THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL
When you fail to learn from your mistakes, you don’t only repeat them, you inevitably crash and burn. I was headed for such a crash and burn after my 21st birthday. Nobody was trying to shoot me down. I was the one “piloting my own plane” so to speak, and heading for certain disaster.
Marijuana was my starter drug, after alcohol, and then I moved into my Ecstasy phase, and prescription painkillers in my early twenties. I did a lot of Ecstasy over one particular three or four month period and I probably regret taking that illegal and dangerous drug more than anything I’ve done. I’m afraid the amount I did caused chemical changes in my brain that are responsible for bouts of depression that I now struggle to control.
THE PRESSURE GOT TO ME.
Like I said earlier, I thought I was invincible, just as many young people do. I was wrong. None of us are immune to the side effects of these drugs. Even if you disregard every other piece of advice I give you in this book, please take to heart my warnings about Ecstasy. This is a drug that can destroy your brain and ruin your life. I’m lucky that it hasn’t had a worse impact on me. But who knows what the effects will be down the road? It’s very scary to think about that because my brain already seems to operate differently than it did before.
Because of the problems I had after using this illegal drug, known scientifically as MDMA, I’ve done some research into it and found that it increases the activity of serotonin in the brain, which regulates mood, sleep, pain, emotion, and appetite. The increased serotonin causes the high that comes with taking Ecstasy. The problem is that the high lasts about two or three hours while the negative after-effects can last much longer. The negative effects include anxiety, paranoia, vertigo, memory problems and depression. People who use Ecstasy a lot often talk about having dark moods or overwhelming sadness for days or weeks afterward. And that’s not the worst problem with Ecstasy. There have been studies suggesting that the more you use it, the more you can damage your brain, maybe even permanently. It also has the potential to affect your body temperature so dramatically that it could lead to heart failure and even death. Some studies have also found that Ecstasy can interact with other drugs—especially uppers or stimulants—to kill you. It can potentially raise your body temperature high enough to trigger hypothermia.
As with many illegal street drugs, you never know what you are getting when you buy what you think is Ecstasy. It’s pretty common for dealers to mix MDMA with amphetamines, caffeine or ephedrine to stretch their supply and make more money. Then there are those people mixing Ecstasy with alcohol, pot and other drugs simultaneously, which is crazy. Please hear what I’m saying, take my warnings seriously, and stay away from drugs, especially those that can permanently alter your brain functions and your behavior.
HIGH LIVING
One of the mistakes I made during this period of time was not removing myself from the environment or the sort of people that fed my worst impulses as far as drinking, drugs and partying are concerned. My membership in Backstreet Boys took me into a world I was not prepared for. The temptations I encountered were far greater after I became known as a pop singer. They came at me in a mad rush that never seemed to stop. Hollywood and Beverly Hills were not the places for me to be at that particular stage of my life and career. Neither were the Hamptons, Park Avenue, Greenwich Village, or any other haunts of the rich and shameless.
Paris Hilton was probably the worst person in the world for me to hook up with at that time. And of course, I did just that.
I’m not putting her down at all. She is a great lady in many ways that most people aren’t even aware of. She just wasn’t the right one for me to be with at that shaky point in my life. We grew up in different worlds—at times it even felt like different planets. I didn’t choose my parents or my family and she didn’t choose hers. It’s just that all of her life, Paris has been able to have anything she’s wanted. That was not my reality. So, while we shared certain interests in music, movies, travel and other things, our perceptions and expectations were very different. I think in some ways, we became each other’s crutches. We leaned on each other because we were not sure of ourselves. We were young and the relationship was something new and fun, but the truth of the matter is, when you go chasing waterfalls sometimes you end up in an empty river. I’m just a normal dude, no matter what I do for a living. I enjoy simple guy things like video games and music. From my perspective, Paris’s lifestyle was over the top—just too extreme for me.
There’s no doubt that Paris and I had a strong mutual attraction physically. We dated for seven months or so in 2003, so there was obviously a connection. But early in our relationship she told a friend of mine that she posted my pictures on her walls when she was a teenager. I believe she saw me as that pop star instead of the regular guy I really am underneath it all. I wasn’t surprised, but it still made me a little uncomfortable. Paris didn’t date blue-collar dudes. She’s always dated celebrities and other rich and famous people.
WE LEANED ON EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE WERE NOT SURE OF OURSELVES.
I think she saw being a celebrity as a means to an end. Many other people feel the same way and I say “God bless ‘em,” but I wasn’t as interested in being famous as I was in making music and entertaining people, building on my strengths and using my gifts. Fame is just something that came with success as an entertainer. I want to do things that uplift people and make a difference in their lives.
Still, for better or worse, Paris saw me as a celebrity and therefore as her “type.” I’ll admit that I was curious about her and her lavish lifestyle. Who wouldn’t be? But I quickly realized that I didn’t belong in her jet-set crowd.
I’ll never forget going with her to Puffy’s (Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs) Fourth of July White Party in the Hamptons in 2004. We flew in on this helicopter. I had never arrived at a party that way before. I hate helicopters. When I first performed with BSB in Germany, we were supposed to ride in one with some kids for a charity event. We missed the take-off time and the helicopter went down, killing almost everybody onboard. For a long time, I was so petrified at the thought of that happening again. But I put that thought out of my mind on the evening of the party and we safely landed on the property of a 12,500 square foot mansion owned by Sony. The mansion was situated on six acres in Bridgehampton and was called the PlayStation 2 Estate. Paris was supposedly co-hosting along with Puffy and Jay-Z. We weren’t getting along that day. I felt like a fish out of water. It was strange for me because I remember sitting down on a couch looking around not knowing anybody while she was socializing with everybody. In many ways I didn’t want to be there. I felt uncomfortable and out of place—like a lost puppy, not knowing what to do, or who to talk to. Maybe that’s because I was abandoned for hours on end while she did her thing.
FAME IS JUST SOMETHING THAT CAME WITH SUCCESS AS AN ENTERTAINER.
I might have had a better experience if I hadn’t gone with her. I felt that night as if I was being looked at as her boy toy. I’m sure that if I went back to that place now by myself, with my new healthier lifestyle and mentality, I would probably fit in better. I was there with someone I wasn’t convinced really cared about me. I often felt
like she was playing me, but that no one would tell me so. I had tried getting out of the relationship several times because I couldn’t shake the feeling that stuff was going on behind my back.
There were people in those ultra-rich, society circles who seemed fake and soulless to me. After being exposed to that lifestyle for a while, I decided it wasn’t healthy for me to stay there or to continue my relationship with Paris.
Living like that just wasn’t for me. I admit, that hanging around with people who are willing to take you along for that kind of pampered ride can be very seductive at first, but personally, I didn’t want to get too caught up in it for too long.
Paris and I went our separate ways mostly because of our different views on life. This was one instance when I recognized that staying in an unhealthy relationship and environment was a mistake, so I got out. But during this time, I made many other mistakes, and often compounded them.
OPPORTUNITIES LOST
One of my long-time goals has been to move into film and television acting, so when I was cast in the 2004 television movie The Hollow, I was happy to be taking a first big step in that direction. But one of the serious mistakes I alluded to above is that I squandered this opportunity by failing to maintain focus. It was the ideal chance to really develop my acting abilities. Instead, I partied way too hard.
One night, another actor in the movie went to Santa Monica Beach with me and we went overboard in a really big way. We sat next to the pier and drank until we nearly passed out. I brought my guitar and was playing, but I couldn’t stop drinking. We had started at my apartment by downing about ten Flaming Dr. Peppers made with 151-proof rum (75 percent alcohol, twice the normal level) and almond-flavored liqueur dropped into a beer.
…THAT I SQUANDERED THIS OPPORTUNITY BY FAILING TO MAINTAIN FOCUS.
We were lighting them on fire and drinking one after another even before we headed to the beach. I took the bottle of rum with us to the pier and then we just drank and drank until I blacked out. When I woke up, I was back in my apartment and scared as hell because I didn’t know how I got there or what had happened during the time in between. Blacking out like that was typical when I was drinking heavily.
I think I had alcohol poisoning because I got sick as soon as I woke up. I crawled into the bathroom and just stayed on the floor for three or four hours, thinking I was going to die. Then for some reason I decided I needed to eat. The only thing I could find in the kitchen was a box of Cheerios. I ate the whole box, still thinking I‘d never survive this.
I had to work on The Hollow set that night but because I hadn’t studied my lines or gotten any sleep, I went in unprepared, sick, and looking terrible. I took this opportunity for granted instead of preparing for it and making the most of it. I was still able to do my thing, but my face was so swollen, I can see how unhealthy and tired I was in the final film. Even though I somehow made it through the night, I know I acted very irresponsibly. I could have done a lot better.
Sure, I memorized my lines for the movie. I showed up and did the work, yet I still feel badly that I didn’t maximize the experience. Had I committed myself to doing my best, my performance could have helped me establish the acting career I wanted. Instead, I partied on, as if my goal wasn’t important to me at all. This was another low point for me in many ways. My mind was going places I didn’t want it to go. I’d be driving somewhere and find my thoughts had wandered to very dark scenarios. It was as if my subconscious was searching for ways to create drama and negativity.
MY MIND WAS GOING PLACES I DIDN’T WANT IT TO GO.
One night I was doing prescription painkillers on top of drinking alcohol and I remember going back to my condo, getting in bed alone, listening to my heart pound and feeling as if my body was falling apart from the inside out. I was paranoid at times, worrying that if my heart were to stop no one would even care that I died. The thought kept striking me that my death would be chronicled as just another celebrity tragedy, one more tale of drug abuse and a waste of life and talent.
But despite those fears, I never seemed to learn from my mistakes.
DRIVING TO DISASTER
Never Gone, the first Backstreet Boys album since our two-year hiatus, was set for release in the summer of 2005. We were deep into rehearsals for a promotional tour that would include 79 concerts in the U.S., Canada, Europe, Asia and Australia. I needed to be on top of my game. But as you might have guessed by now, I wasn’t. I was overweight and out of shape and badly needed to get my act together.
Instead, I took a nosedive deeper into despair.
On a rare day off from meetings and rehearsals, I went with some friends to the Newport Beach and Huntington Beach area to party all day. I liked getting out of town so I could do my own thing and not get caught. I also loved the beach there.
I TOOK A NOSEDIVE DEEPER INTO DESPAIR.
On the way down, my friends and I were listening to heavy metal music in my car. At that point it was a genre I could really relate to. I felt like it was speaking right to me. We were getting so into it, we were head-banging and acting really crazy. Now mind you, I love all music and I’m a big fan of hard rock bands such as System of a Down, Slipknot and Metallica to name a few, so I’m not saying that heavy metal music was the culprit. It was not the reason I behaved the way I did that day or any other day. But when you have a lot of hate and anger festering inside you, you find a way to feed it and, sadly, the lyrics to some songs are what hate and anger can sometimes sink their teeth into. Yet, for every person who uses heavy metal or rap music to fuel his or her anger, there’s a person out there who is perfectly capable of listening to that same music and separating entertainment from reality. A healthy mind can do that. Unfortunately, my mind and emotions weren’t healthy at the time. In fact, they were out of control when we pulled up to valet park at a waterfront restaurant near the pier on Huntington Beach. We had been doing this routinely for a couple of weeks during my breaks, meeting with friends and going to a series of bars in the area. We’d play pool and drink away the day, doing shots until we lost track of time. Some of the bar staff seemed to be afraid of us because we were so wild. We finally got kicked out of one place, so we hit another bar and that’s where I started having black outs. The more I drank, the more agitated and upset I became. I felt these waves of rage and resentment toward my parents. The feelings just boiled up from inside me. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I missed out on a lot of fun in my teen years because I had to work so hard to please and support my family. The thought that I had to make up for lost time kept racing obsessively through my brain.
Apparently I decided that the way to recover those years was to binge drink myself blind. I justified my behavior by telling myself these were the equivalent to my college years. Whenever I drank, I became vulnerable to those unresolved feelings about my parents’ drinking and fighting and their lack of nurturing. Then, I’d repeat their behavior by drinking and fighting, too.
We can easily fall into the lifestyle patterns that are most familiar to us, as I’ve said before. My parents drank, so I drank. They fought, so I fought. They had dysfunctional relationships, and so did I.
THE MORE I DRANK, THE MORE AGITATED AND UPSET I BECAME.
But because of my success with Backstreet and the fame and money it generated, I attracted lots of people who brought out the worst in me. I knew that I was in bad company, making bad decisions, and headed for a crash and burn, yet I did nothing to prevent that from happening. One mistake led to another and another until this day turned into one of my darkest.
At the last bar, I was so drunk and on the edge of passing out once again that I found myself on the bathroom floor. I was totally fixated on the music we’d been blasting in the car on the way down from Santa Monica. The more we drank, the more satanic the songs seemed. Normally, the battle between good and evil isn’t a major topic of debate in my mind, but on this day my alcohol-and drug-induced mood rapidly brought the music’s blaring negative messages back—i
ts lyrics pounding punches to my head.
The songs were loaded with references to the devil and they were freaking me out. Obliterated out of my mind, with disturbing images and thoughts circling inside my skull like bats, I found myself wondering: What’s so bad about the devil anyway? Why was Satan really thrown out of heaven? Could it all have been just a big misunderstanding?
The mind is a terrible thing to waste and wasted I was. I suddenly realized I was thinking out loud, too. A crowd that included my drunken friends and total strangers had gathered in the bathroom listening to me rant about the devil and the dark side. I felt like I was in a bottomless, black pit. People were looking at me as if snakes were crawling out of my ears.
Why is bad so bad? Why is evil, evil? Why does Satan get such a bum rap?
Now, these aren’t necessarily bad questions for a theology or philosophy class to ponder, but I was just a babbling drunk sprawled next to the urinals. Then to make matters worse, I went mobile. Somehow I rose up, stumbled out of the bathroom and the bar, and made my way to the beachfront restaurant where I had valet-parked my BMW 750 that morning (though it seemed like two weeks earlier).
The valet took one look at me in full meltdown mode and, to his credit, said, “I’m not giving you the car keys.”
THE MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE AND WASTED I WAS.
I went off on the guy, even though he was just doing his job and trying to save me from killing myself or someone else, but he was not intimidated. I calmed myself and after a brief flash of coherent thought I promised him that I’d let one of my friends drive.