Fortunate Sum

by M. Ullrich

  “I just want you to be happy again, Imogene,” she said.

  The whole way home, driving in a daze as snowflakes danced around her car, she thought of all the things she’d say to Catherine if given the chance. She needed to let her know how much she meant to her, and how she was willing to fight for a chance at something more than just one night together. As the snow passed the windows like shooting stars, Imogene’s plan started to come together. When she arrived home and fell into bed, she knew what she had to do. She hoped it would all work out for the best.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  The month of May held green plush promise for the earth as well as Catherine’s new life blossoming. She stretched her long limbs and whimpered quietly as her muscles protested. It was the final day of her junior year, and the final day of Ms. Nguyen’s career as an English teacher at Rutgers University. This day had been two and a half years in the making, as was the satisfied smile pulling at the corner of Catherine’s mouth. She reached out for Linda.

  “Linda?” Catherine called out as she sat upright, the cool sheets pooling around her naked breasts. Linda emerged from the steam-filled bathroom, a damp towel wrapped around her waist and another around her head. Catherine’s breath caught at the sight of her half-naked lover. She was sure she’d never grow tired of it.

  “Good morning, Cat.” Linda stalked toward the bed with an accentuated sway to her hips. “Rise and shine. Don’t want to be late for your last day.”

  “Neither do you.” Catherine wrapped her right arm around Linda’s waist and pulled her onto the bed. Laughter resounded through the bedroom. Careful to keep one hand in contact with Linda’s bare skin, Catherine pushed and pulled at the towel and sheets. “How much time do we have?” Catherine pressed her lips to the hollow of Linda’s neck. She inhaled deeply and relished the spicy scent of her body wash.

  “Not enough.” Linda’s voice was always steady and confident, a quality Catherine both wanted for herself and wanted to destroy. With little to no effort Catherine flipped Linda onto her back and spread her body along Linda’s, pinning her into place.

  “Let’s make time.” Catherine ground her pelvis down between Linda’s legs. If it weren’t for the slight widening of her almond eyes, Catherine wouldn’t have been sure if Linda had felt the motion at all.

  “We can’t.” Linda nipped at Catherine’s lower lip. “I have a meeting with the dean and my department head this morning.”

  Catherine pulled back and looked down into her dark eyes. “About you leaving?”

  “I suppose so. They hadn’t said much to me since I sent in my resignation. This meeting was bound to happen.” Linda kissed Catherine quickly and moved out from underneath her lithe body. “You’re coming by later, right?”

  Catherine leaned back on her elbows as she watched Linda riffle through her dresser for the perfect pair of panties. “You won’t be able to stop me.”

  Catherine and Linda readied themselves quickly and left separately, as they normally did. Catherine rejoiced in knowing she’d never have to leave out the back or with a hood draped over her face again. She’d be able to throw away the awful oversized sunglasses Linda insisted she wear when she walked from her neighborhood in the morning. This would also be the last morning where she’d have to park around the corner. As Catherine walked to her car, she smiled at the way the sun was just lighting up the sky fully and how the birds were louder than ever. It was as if Mother Nature knew Catherine was about to start a new, better life with the woman she loved.

  The day had passed much more quickly than Catherine had anticipated. Before the end of the semester had had the chance to sink into Catherine’s brain, she found herself walking through Linda’s front door without looking over her shoulder.

  “I’m home!” Catherine called out with a newfound cheeriness that would normally annoy even herself, but today was the exception. Today she’d wrap her arms around her lover and not have to let her go. She’d entwine their fingers and walk along with her as they went for an early dinner. Catherine would be able to kiss Linda as they shared retellings of their day over a cup of coffee at a local café or while arguing about which books to buy at the bookstore. When she arrived at Linda’s late that afternoon, Catherine felt so much possibility for them as a couple that she couldn’t contain her glee. “Linda, where are you? Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Her voice hit a singsong pitch.

  “Out back!” Catherine followed the voice that called out to her. She threw her duffel bag down by the back door and stepped out onto a small deck. Linda was in a lawn chair with a glass of wine. Catherine could tell her eyes were closed even behind the dark aviator sunglasses.

  “Hey you.” She lifted one of Linda’s legs and placed it over her lap as she took a seat on the chair. Catherine leaned in and kissed Linda’s wine-soaked lips. “Have you been home long?”

  “About an hour.” Linda took another swig of wine.

  “Well.” Catherine placed her hand on Linda’s knee and ran it up and over her thigh. She applied more pressure as she came close to her apex. She leaned in and spoke, her breath ghosting across Linda’s lips. “I made dinner reservations at Romero’s, and I was thinking that maybe after we could finish what we started this morning.”

  Catherine snaked her hand around to the front of Linda’s jeans and applied pressure to the seam just above her clit. Linda inhaled sharply.

  “Wait—” Linda halted Catherine’s ministrations with a gentle push to her shoulder.

  “I’m sorry.” Catherine sat back, unsure of herself and of why she just apologized.

  “You don’t need to apologize, but we do need to talk.” Linda sat up straight and removed her sunglasses. Catherine’s stomach twisted at the combination of clichéd prelude and the emptiness she saw in Linda’s brown eyes.

  “Talk about what?”

  “My meeting.”

  “Let’s talk about it over dinner.” Catherine reached for Linda’s hand, but Linda pulled it away.

  “I can’t go to dinner with you.”

  “I can make the reservation for another night.” Catherine tried in vain to avoid what her subconscious was warning her was about to happen.

  “They offered me tenure, Catherine.” Linda stood up, and Catherine watched as the distance between them grew.

  “What?” Catherine swallowed thickly against the nausea that rolled through her.

  “They offered me tenure.”

  “Did you take it?”

  “Of course I took it!” Linda looked down at Catherine incredulously. “Why wouldn’t I?” Catherine flinched as Linda delivered the words like a punch to the gut. Despite the warm sun shining down on the deck, a chill ran up Catherine’s spine.

  “Us?” Catherine choked on the word. She was still seated, a look of shock emptying her face of any other expression. “Our plans?”

  “The whole point of being a professor is to get tenure. No one just turns it down!” Linda scoffed indignantly.

  “You promised me—”

  “That promise was made before I knew I was being considered for tenure.” The word “considered” wasn’t lost on Catherine.

  “When did they tell you?”

  “Today—”

  “Stop lying to me!” Catherine shouted. Her breathing was coming rapidly as she felt an uncharacteristic rage burn in her tight chest.

  “I received an email the week after I sent in my letter of resignation,” Linda said after taking a deep breath.

  “That was a month ago!” Catherine’s knuckles were white, and the muscles in her palms were strained as she clenched her fists.

  “I knew how you’d react, so I figured it wasn’t worth mentioning until they made their decision.” Her reasoning was so sound, so logical, and so calculated, it made Catherine sick.

  “Did I ever come first?” Catherine held back the sob. She didn’t need Linda to know how broken her heart was. She was too afraid she’d see Linda’s joy at the devastation she’d caus
ed.

  “You’ve always known how important my job is to me.”

  “Did I ever come first?” Catherine stood up as she repeated her question. With what little strength she had left, she stood in front of Linda and squared her shoulders. She wanted to look the woman in the eye as she accepted her response.

  “No,” Linda said.

  One small word, wrapped in a soft voice and pushed through Catherine’s heart like a dagger. But Catherine knew it was the most honest Linda had ever been to her, and that hurt more than anything.

  Catherine stepped around Linda and grabbed her bag before heading to the front door. Linda shouted at her not to tell anyone, to keep it between them. A two-and-a-half-year love affair reduced to a secret. She should tell everyone she knew, but she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t even rush back to her apartment to cry on Alice’s shoulder.

  She climbed into her small car and sped away from the curb. She waited until she was a block away before pulling over and cutting the engine. A sob like no other erupted from her throat with such force that her insides felt raw. She realized that letting people in was more dangerous than shutting them out.

  Catherine started as Philip stood up from the table. “All right, ladies,” he said. “I think it’s time to call it a night.” She noticed his wrinkled slacks. The brown suit he wore had looked better that morning, but hours of being hunched over binders full of bank records had taken their toll on its crispness.

  “Already?” Catherine swallowed a mouthful of room-temperature coffee that did little to soothe her dry throat. “We didn’t even touch the stuff from 2011 yet!” She motioned to an overflowing box with her right hand.

  “It’s after ten o’clock, Catherine! This isn’t exactly how I had planned on spending my Wednesday night.”

  Catherine looked at her watch and rubbed her eyes. She had been seated in the same chair, in nearly the same position for close to five hours and barely noticed it. She just wanted to review one last thing before heading home. One. Last. Thing.

  “Philip’s right, Catherine. We should call it a night.” Linda’s voice was soft and quiet, the perfect volume to accompany twilight. But Philip spoiled it slamming his briefcase closed.

  “Good night, ladies. I’ll see you both tomorrow.” He left the room in a rush.

  Catherine rubbed the back of her sore neck. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how late it was getting.”

  “You don’t have to apologize.” Linda’s gentle smile both soothed and alerted Catherine.

  She had managed four days beside the woman who had turned her life upside down twice in her almost thirty years. They had started flirting much quicker than Catherine had intended, she loathed to admit she liked it. She liked it a lot. It reminded her of being a carefree college student again, discovering life outside the closet. But why was she allowing herself to do it again?

  “I’m starved,” Linda muttered as she stretched her arms above her head. Catherine’s stomach growled in agreement. “Come on,” Linda laughed and gently patted Catherine’s thigh, “I’m going to feed you.” Catherine followed Linda wordlessly as always. She never questioned Linda’s decisions. Never. Just followed.

  They walked together to the parking lot. With no direction necessary, Catherine climbed into her Mercedes and followed Linda’s car as it bobbed and weaved through the city’s evening traffic. The lights of New York’s nightlife reflected off Catherine’s windshield, and she squinted at the brightness of advertisements and store signs alike. She was so distracted by dodging wayward pedestrians and keeping an eye on Linda’s sports car that she didn’t think about what it was that she was doing.

  She had spent the previous night lying restlessly in bed with her hands clasped tightly around her phone. Catherine had composed and deleted more than a dozen messages to Imogene, but none seemed appropriate. Maybe it was because she deserved more than inane excuses. Or maybe it was because Catherine didn’t believe any of those excuses herself. She turned her car right and followed Linda into a quieter section of the city. In less than a minute, she pulled over to the curb in the heart of the Village and put her car in park. With a deep breath, Catherine recalled the one recurring line that made its way into each and every message she intended to send Imogene: you deserve better than I could ever offer and someone better than I could ever be.

  Catherine turned off the car and waited. In the darkness, she could see Linda get out of her car and ascend the steps of a brownstone. Linda turned, stared at Catherine, and crooked her index finger. Catherine got out of the car and went to her like a hypnotized sailor ready to dash himself to death on the rocks answering the call of a Siren. When Catherine was within a foot of Linda, she finally spoke.

  “Nice location.” The winter winds whisked her breath away. As the small cloud dissipated and drifted, Catherine eyed the tall building.

  “I like to be where the action is,” Linda said with a tilt of her head as she went up the stairs and opened the front door of her home. If it hadn’t been so cold outside, Catherine might have thought twice about coming inside. But the air was biting her face, and she knew just how warm space shared with Linda could be.

  Once inside, Linda removed her coat and hung it on a nearby hook. She kicked off her heels and sank her feet into worn slippers waiting by the front door. “Make yourself at home.” Linda rubbed her hands together briskly and left the foyer.

  Catherine unbuttoned her long coat and hung it alongside Linda’s before she looked around. This home was nothing like the one she had hoped to share with Linda in New Jersey. Straight ahead was a staircase that presumably led to any and all bedrooms and beyond that was a quaint living room set up as a home office. This didn’t feel like a hideout, this felt like a home. Catherine was drawn toward a large bookcase, and she skimmed many titles, all fiction and classic. Each one just like the last.

  “I seem to have led you here under false pretenses,” Linda said from behind Catherine. She jumped. “You seem a bit on edge tonight, is everything okay?” Linda placed her hand on Catherine’s forearm, but she brushed off the concern.

  “False pretenses?” Catherine stiffened.

  “I don’t have a thing to eat other than some oatmeal.” Linda smiled slyly. “It is a variety pack, however.”

  Catherine chuckled, and her tense muscles relaxed. “I’ll take anything with cinnamon in it.” Catherine watched as Linda led the way to the kitchen. Her hips swayed and brought to mind the memories that had taunted her earlier.

  Linda filled a kettle and put it over an open flame. She set out two bowls and leaned back against the counter with her hands at her sides, looking beautiful and expectant.

  “I’m actually surprised at the progress we’ve made,” Catherine said. “It’s only been a few days, but I think we’ve managed to sort through the majority of the mess—”

  “Catherine?” Linda interrupted. She walked toward Catherine in the doorway. “I don’t want to talk about work.” Catherine looked down and started to fidget with her right cufflink. “Do I make you nervous?” Linda asked.

  “Yes,” Catherine replied instantly and she knew the follow-up question before Linda could even ask it. “I don’t know what it is that you expect or want from me.”

  “I don’t expect anything. I just wanted to spend time with you out from under Philip and Anthony’s microscope.” Linda went back into the kitchen, and Catherine took a deep breath. She returned a few minutes later with two bowls of oatmeal. “Here,” she said, placing them on the small table. “It’s not gourmet, but it’ll fill you up.”

  “Thanks.” Catherine first pulled out Linda’s chair and then her own. She stirred her small meal, but she really wasn’t hungry anymore. “So,” Catherine said, desperate for anything but deafening silence and awkwardness, “this is much nicer than your other place.”

  “I like it,” Linda replied around a spoonful of oatmeal. She chewed a few times and swallowed. “I guess with age comes better decorative insight.” Both women la
ughed lightly.

  “I guess.”

  “I’ve been thinking about us a lot,” Linda said. “Working at your side for these past few days, I couldn’t help but reminisce.”

  “Me either.” Catherine grimaced.

  “Judging by that face, I think it’s safe to guess I was the only one focused on happier memories.”

  Catherine looked at Linda. “Good guess.” She scratched beneath her starched collar and gave it a nervous tug for good measure. She pushed her bowl away.

  “Like that weekend we spent in Philadelphia,” Linda said. “We had so much planned, but we never left the hotel room.” Linda touched Catherine’s blushing cheek. “Or the New Year’s you almost lost an eye to a runaway cork.” Linda traced Catherine’s meek smile with the pad of her index finger. “We had some really good times together, Catherine.” Her palm came to rest on Catherine’s cheek. Catherine fought to keep her eyes open at the sensation.

  “I should get going.” Catherine stood up abruptly. “We have an early start tomorrow, and it’s getting late.” The excuse came quickly as she pushed in her chair and walked to the front door. Before Catherine could grasp her coat, she felt Linda at her back.

  “You can stay if you’d like.” Catherine felt Linda’s firm grip on her bicep, encouraging her to turn around. Once Catherine was facing her, she drew closer and whispered the words that would’ve meant something to Catherine in the past. “Please stay.”

  Catherine looked into her hungry eyes and licked her lips. Linda, naturally, made the advance, closed the distance between them and claimed Catherine’s mouth. At first, Catherine was unmoving. Linda flicked the tip of her velvety tongue along Catherine’s lower lip, and she instinctively opened up.