The facilities are nice thankfully. They even have those touch-sensor wash basins, so I am spared the stress of having to touch taps.
We find out that there are indeed showers albeit ones you have to pay for. It's not overly expensive though and given how nice it is to feel clean and fresh after such a long flight I think it would be money well spent.
Sally is happy to spend this money. I of course am not. It is not the monetary cost that is deterring me, it is the cost I would be charged by my brain.
There is a very nice clean spacious changing area anyway, so I sit there and wait for Sally.
'That was amazing, I feel so much better now!' she informs me once she's finished. 'Are you sure you don't want to have one?'
She looks at me with a look mixed with a little confusion and a little concern. 'We still have a long way to go.' She adds.
'Is that your polite way of telling me I smell?' I smile at her.
She laughs, 'No, of course not. I just know how long-haul travel can make people feel rubbish and so looking after ourselves, in any little way that might present itself, is worth doing in my book.'
'I know but I'm fine really. I'll just embrace the feeling rubbish I think.'
This appears to be a common activity in my life.
'Ok, suit yourself. Let's go join the others then.'
We wander back out into the airport and it's not long before we catch sight of them. It's Nathan we encounter first. He hands Sally a paper bag and says, 'I bought you a gift Sal.'
'Oh, how sweet of you!' she replies as she opens the bag and lifts out an object that I'm not entirely sure how to identify. It's a rather large, heavy looking mushroom ornament type thing. 'Erm… thanks?'
'I know you like mushrooms so I thought it would be the perfect gift for you!'
'I like mushrooms?'
'Yeh, you told me, remember that time we were all working late and we ordered the pizzas?'
Sally appears none the wiser and looks at me confused.
'Think we might need a bit more detail on this one Nathan.' I suggest.
'You requested we order a pizza with mushrooms on it.'
'No I didn't. I mean, yes, I'm sure I probably ate some pizza with mushrooms on it that someone else had ordered but it wasn't my specific request.'
'Oh, I was sure you had requested it.'
'No. Not me. But wait, even if I had Nathan - how the hell do you make the leap from liking eating mushrooms on a pizza to liking giant mushroom paperweight doorstop things?!'
I can't help but start to giggle.
'Well, um… yes… this does appear to me now to have been an odd decision I have made.'
Sally joins me with the giggles and thankfully Nathan takes no offense and joins us too.
He adds somewhat perplexed, 'Why was I thinking now was the right time to buy you this anyway even if you did like mushroom paraphernalia? You would have to lug it round for the rest of the trip and its already made my arm sore from the short time I was holding it.'
We can't seem to stop laughing. It is disproportionate laughing to the situation, but lack of proper sleep mixed with time zone travel is clearly making us all a bit delirious.
Ed joins us and we repeat the story to him. He simply turns to Nathan and says 'Good to know. For the record, I like expensive photography equipment on my pizzas.'
'Yeh, yeh, very funny. In my defence, travel really messes me up ok? Maybe someone supervise all my purchases from now on please.'
We eventually manage to compose ourselves and go for a much needed walk around the airport. It feels so nice to walk and stretch.
After some time we are drawn to the expansive airport windows highlighting a most spectacular view. The sky is showing many beautiful colours and patterns in a seemingly photoshopped depiction. It is stunning to observe so we do just that for quite a while. The others begin talking about planes and other stuff that I tune out off. I just want this moment with the sky.
I don't quite know what it is about the sky, but it transfixes, calms and makes me smile. Maybe it's the sheer expanse of open space. I think it might represent some sort of freedom in my mind. Even on grey stormy days I wouldn't abandon it. I think it makes me love it even more. We all struggle, even the sky, but beauty never leaves us if we're open to noticing it.
I believe this to be true, yet I still struggle often with reminding myself of it.
I stand still simply staring at the sky, letting my vision take in as much detail as I can. I feel my whole body relax. A wave of something I can't quite describe is washing through me. Right in this very moment I'm ok. I know I won't be ok again soon but right now I'm with the sky and it's letting me know it's got me.
'Amy, that's us, we need to go.' Ed says.
The words break my vision and I realise everyone else has moved away towards the boarding gate.
'Oh right, sorry.'
'Where were you?'
'Where was I?'
'Yeh, you looked miles away.'
I smile. 'Somewhere beautiful.'
He beams a smile at me. 'Nice. Sorry to tear you away then. If it's any consolation where we are heading is pretty beautiful too.'
'So I have heard. I am beginning to wonder if this one person I've been speaking to perhaps has shares in Sydney tourism…'
He laughs, 'I've been going on about it too much haven't I. I guess I just wanted to big it up to make sure you realised what you'd be missing out on if you decided not to go. But it is genuinely beautiful I have not been lying to you.'
'I'm sure it is. I think your plan worked anyway as I would be really disappointed now if I didn't get to see it.'
'Just as well you made a good decision then.'
We smile at each other and join the others at the boarding gate.
The jury is still out as to whether I did actually make a good decision in coming on this trip. Appreciating Sydney's beauty I'm sure will contribute some good, but there are so many other factors with high potential to sway it more to favour the bad.
I make a mental note to hold onto the image of the sky. I need to carry it back onto the plane with me and visually repeat it frequently to use as defence.
Chapter 18
The second flight is pretty much a repeat of the first one's activities even down to the regular water intake updates and complaining about uncomfortable body parts. This one, however, invites the feeling of apprehension to appear.
I sense it creeping up on me when we have around an hour left of the flight. Up until that point I could just pretend all I had to think about was being on this plane. Nothing next.
But as the landing time draws near it's harder to ignore the next.
I know the most sensible approach to successfully making it through this trip is to consider only the day in front of me as it comes into existence. It's hard, however, not to lump all the days together and assess them in their entirety.
Two whole weeks in an unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar people with unfamiliar and unknown activities. The only familiar thing I can guarantee to rely on is feeling anxiety. A disturbing thought.
'You doing ok?' Ed interrupts my thoughts.
'Yeh, just thinking.'
'Remember what we discussed about that?'
I smile. 'I know, it just seems pretty impossible to stop most of the time.'
'Well, I'm glad you didn't let it stop you coming. Once we get there and you see how amazing Sydney is, you'll be really happy. It'll be easier to realise you made the right choice. Sorry, I'm doing it again aren't I. I can't seem to stop myself with the amazing Sydney stuff, but I guess I am feeling the need to keep reminding you.'
I smile. 'It's fine. I don't mind you reminding me.'
All positive encouraging words welcome. And likely required. So, keep speaking them Ed.
He pauses for a little while before speaking again.
'If, for some reason you do find it tough though, or things get weird, let me know ok? Let me help.'
E
d knows. I mean, he doesn't know know. The full facts elude him. I can barely understand it myself, therefore, trying to translate it to someone else seems a somewhat impossible task. But he knows things aren't quite as they should be for me. And he is often strangely aware of when he needs to offer his help.
Even when I think I'm bringing out my best hiding skills, he has this beautiful ability to sense my internal distress.
'Ok. Thanks. I'm sure I'll be fine.' Not sure. No surety whatsoever. But this seems like the best response.
'We don't always have to hang out in a big group either. You don't have to be around loads of people all the time. We can go do some exploring just us two. Or just you by yourself. Whatever you need.'
He's sweet to say this. He knows part of my struggle is being around lots of people for large amounts of time. And I know that when I do need time by myself, he will simply accept it. He won't get annoyed, he won't judge me, he won't take any offense. He will just let me be.
Sadly, his reaction is a minority one.
Chapter 19
We arrive at Sydney Kingsford Smith Airport early on Friday morning, the company having kindly timed it so we'd have a long weekend to rest and be tourists before starting work. In the taxi ride to the hotel, conversation turns to plans for the next few days.
'I have booked us all in to go kayaking first thing tomorrow morning. It will be refreshing to get up early and go out onto the beautiful sea don't you think?' Sally instructs more than asks.
'Thanks Sally, but kayaking isn't really my thing, so I'll just watch from the shore.' I respond.
'How exactly do you know it's not your thing? Have you been before?'
'Well, no, but I'm just pretty sure it's not something I'll enjoy.'
'But how can you be sure of that? If you've never tried it? You can't be sure, surely?' Sally isn't in the mood for backing down easily on this. Please don't let this be how this trip goes.
'Relax Sal, I'm not all that up for it either so I'll hang back with Ames.' Nathan interjects. 'We can go scout out a cool place to have breakfast when you guys are finished.'
There is a pause which she is likely using to decide whether to continue challenging me. She thankfully seems to conclude it's not worth it and responds with a simple 'Fine.' There's eye rolling going on, I'm almost certain of it, despite not being able to see her face.
The words 'I'll do the next activity' waver in my thoughts but I decide not to voice them. I would just be setting myself up for a likely repeat of this depressing conversation, only providing Sally with additional evidence for disappointment.
Instead I stay quiet and shoot Nathan a thankful smile, hoping I really can muster up some ability to participate in the next activity.
I suspect Nathan probably would actually like to go kayaking but is just being really kind by trying to defuse the conversation. I want to tell him that he does not need to babysit me but now is not the time to tell him this. I strongly sense it would not be wise to keep this conversation subject alive. I make a mental note to tell him later instead.
The day passes in a bit of a fog consisting of trying to get our bearings and trying to stay awake to beat the jet lag. Everyone agrees we should just drop our stuff at the hotel then keep moving otherwise the beds might be too tempting and we'll fail the jet lag test.
Our hotel is centrally located in the central business district (or the CBD as it is referred to) so there's plenty to explore nearby wandering the local streets. We wander, we eat, we drink, and we take in some sights. I'm not sure how much we're actually taking in given the slight weirdness we're all feeling after the vast travel, but still, I think it is a fairly pleasant day.
We all successfully make it to the end of the day without having given in to sleep, but there is no resistance or complaint from anyone when it is suggested we all head to our rooms straight after we've finished dinner.
I'm completely exhausted but my brain will not allow slowing down yet. There is still a lot of work to be done before I can even contemplate falling asleep.
Work that is required in order to get used to my hotel room. It is going to be my home for the next two weeks, so I need to make it resemble some level of comfort. We need to somehow become friends because I need this to be my space where I can come and escape and hopefully find some feeling of calm.
This is not a very easy task and I am aware that the maximum level of comfort I can possibly reach here is still pretty low. But I have to work with what I've got so I set about my tasks.
I start assessing and scanning.
Any item I might need to touch will need to be cleaned and wiped down with tissues.
Any visible stains anywhere will need to be noted and committed to memory to ensure I avoid the area.
I need to assess for the most suitable location for my suitcase to stay to keep my belongings safe. (I will likely change my mind on this multiple times and become increasingly annoyed and irate with myself.)
And on. And on… These few items are the mere beginning of my ridiculously long to-do list.
The others no doubt simply collapsed on their beds and are fast asleep by now. I have quite a while to go yet before I'm allowed that luxury. I feel a wave of envy.
My body is aching for sleep. My mind is aching for comfort.
I guess I should be thankful that one at least will eventually be attained despite some delay.
Chapter 20
When I meet up with the others the following morning, I spot my moment to quietly speak to Nathan.
'I thought you would have wanted to go kayaking? Please don't not do it because of me.'
'Surfing is more my thing, I'll definitely do that but I'm honestly happy to give kayaking a miss. Plus, it'll be nice to hang out just us two for a bit.'
'Ok, well only if you're sure. I would be absolutely fine on my own so really, please don't feel you need to miss out just for my benefit.'
'I don't feel I'm missing out. You are not getting rid of me so let's go.'
I smile. 'Ok, let's go.'
It soon becomes clear we are spoilt for choice in finding somewhere for breakfast. We agree on a place pretty quickly and settle ourselves in to a table outside. It's not long before conversation turns to our wonder at the view in front of us.
'So stunning right? The sand, the ocean, the trees – all of it combined into one blissful sight.' We sit a little while in silence just taking it all in before Nathan continues, 'I could have done with living next to this a few years back when I wasn't working for six months.'
'Six months? How come you were so long not working? I can't imagine you taking that much time off. You love what you do.'
'It wasn't exactly through choice.' He looks at me as though he's debating on whether to continue but seems to decide why not. 'I got a bit messed up with depression and had to be signed off work.'
'Oh. Shit Nathan, sorry to hear that.'
'Thanks.'
'You always seem so happy though.'
As soon as the words have left my mouth, I realise what a silly thing this is to say. I know it doesn't work that way.
Almost in unison with my thinking Nathan replies, 'Doesn't seem to work that way.'
'Did something happen to trigger it?'
'No. That was the hard part to get my head around. You know my brain, I need logic. And there was none. I had a good life – good job, good relationship, slightly questionable flatmates but nothing that was causing too much distress.' He smiles.
'It just seemed to come out of nowhere. I lost ability to see the good in all the good things in my life. I twisted them all up in my head to make them bad instead. Seemed like that was then all I could focus on. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to shower, I certainly didn't want to leave the house. And so, I didn't do any of those things. I just sort of gave in and gave up.'
It's breaking my heart imagining him in this state. I love how enthusiastic about life he has always been since I've known him. My days find some br
ightness with his infectious laughter. He seems sort of bathed in a light floaty happiness all the time that I'm addicted to being near.
'That sounds really horrible. What got you through it?'
'My brother.' He answers without hesitation. 'I'd go as far as saying I owe the guy my life. He held on tight and wouldn't stop pulling me up until I got out the other side. I was pretty horrible to him as well. But he completely ignored that and stuck with me. Anything he could think of doing to help he did it.'
Thank you Nathan's brother. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
'How did he know what would help?'
'He didn't. We've talked about it since and I realise now how freaked out he was about it all. He said he had absolutely no idea what to do. The only one thing he knew for sure was that I needed him, and as much as I turned him away, leaving me to somehow fix myself alone was not the right thing to do. So, despite some horrendous fights, he stayed by my side dragging me through it and we eventually figured out the right things to help me get better.'
'Has it ever happened again?'
'No. Hoping it was just a one-off six-month stand.'
I smile. 'I hope so too, but I guess it must be on your mind sometimes, given you had no warning.'
'Not really. I mean I could go that route but that would just put a dampener on life wouldn't it. In the words of a cheesy self-help quote… why ruin today thinking about a future that might never happen.'
I laugh. 'It might be cheesy but it's very good advice. I think you are wise in listening to it.'
I am actually quite the fan of a positive quote. Many get recited so often they sometimes lose their sparkle but when you stop and truly consider the words, they can give you a mini boost and I'll take any little boost I can get.
The others are approaching so I quickly add, 'I'm glad you told me.'
'I'm glad I told you too.' He smiles.
Chapter 21
Once everyone is settled and has ordered their breakfast, Sally talks endlessly about how amazing the kayaking was and how it's so great to try new things. She seems to be regaling every single detail of her 'special experience' so I soon stop listening.
The Existence of Amy Page 6