'Good to see you back, how was Australia?'
'It was really good. Sydney is such a beautiful place. Have you ever been?'
'Not to Sydney no, but I have a brother who lives in Melbourne, so I've been there a few times. Awesome place.'
'Oh, that's cool your brother lives there – great place to have an excuse to visit often.'
'In theory yes, but in practice… maybe not so much.'
'How come?'
I realise what he's meaning though before he speaks, and we end up answering in unison, 'The flight.'
We both smile. 'It's pretty heavy going isn't it? Not something anyone wants to face on a regular basis, so I don't get to Melbourne as often as I'd like. Also, my brother has to come here quite a bit with his work, so it tends to be that way round when we get to see each other. His company fly him business class so it's not quite as much of an endurance for him.'
'Ah, fair enough.'
He glances at his phone and looks torn before saying, 'Sorry Amy, I really need to get to a meeting, shall we walk over?'
'Sure.' Part of me is relieved I don't have to stay in his company any longer as I've been dreading it given what Ed has requested of me. I realise, however, that there is another part of me that was actually quite enjoying speaking to him.
As we part at the top of the elevators he stops and says, 'I'd love to hear more about the trip, maybe we could go for a drink sometime soon?'
So close.
I remind myself of Ed's happiness when I agreed. I have to follow through.
'Um… yeh, ok, sure.' It's a little non-committal sounding but I think he's so surprised I've answered in the affirmative that he doesn't really notice.
'Great!' the enthusiasm and happiness behind his answer makes up for what was lacking in mine. Sensing he might need to seize on this opportunity and lock down an actual time he continues, 'Are you free tomorrow night?'
That is soon. I feel like I need more time to prepare. But in actuality, more time is likely not what I need.
I quickly reply before giving my brain too much time to think, 'Yes, tomorrow is fine.' I accompany my answer with as bright a smile as I can manage in attempt to hide the panic prickling through my body.
'Great, I'll message you tomorrow with a time. Enjoy the rest of the day!' He looks at me before leaving as if communicating one additional silent message. His kind eyes connecting with mine and a beautiful smile formed on his face. Then he is gone. I stand still a little longer, letting his smile wash over me. It seems to be confusing the panic and halting it in its tracks. I notice that in this one brief moment I am feeling some vague surprising resemblance of happiness.
When I think about it later, this could just be two mates going for a drink. Nothing date-like about it. If I approach it that way, then it might be enough to get me to turn up and actually go through with it. Of course, I won't tell Ed this, all he needs to know is that I'm following through with my promise.
Later when Nathan and Sally are in a meeting I turn to Ed and fill him in.
'This is great! And so soon too. I thought you'd just keep putting it off, hoping I'd forget.'
'Can't say that thought didn't cross my mind.' And was firmly my plan had Ben not cornered me into forcing the situation. But again, Ed doesn't need to know these details.
'Well, I'm really glad you ignored it.' He smiles and we go back to working.
Things have been ok with us in the few days since we've been back for the most part, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't noticed a little shift. I feel drawn to analysing little things that happen, wondering about what he is thinking as a result.
We may have a funny conversation and afterwards I will wonder if he's going to replay it in his mind later. Should I have tried to be not funny? I can't help but feel that maybe I need to be more careful with my words and actions. Edit myself in some way.
It is exhausting trying to do this though and I can't imagine in any way sustainable.
Perhaps we just need some time. The non-date with Ben will be a distraction in the meantime.
Chapter 33
The following day I try not think too much. This is obviously quite an optimistic thing to aim for, but I give it my best shot. I make continual attempts to convince myself it's just a normal day. Nothing scary and potentially life ruining happening this evening.
It's proving difficult not to tune into the panic station though.
When Ben messages me a time and place to meet, my hands are hovering over keys to spell out an excuse for not making it. But something is making them freeze in hover state.
I remind myself why I'm doing this. Ed needs this. Our friendship needs this.
I won't let it go any further. I can't. So just one date is probably safe enough. Then I will have kept my promise to Ed, and we can put it all behind us.
Decision made; I type my simple reply. Sounds good, see you then.
When the time comes to meet, we both agree it's wiser to walk a little further away from the office and pick a pub that isn't frequented by all our colleagues. We're not trying to hide some illicit affair granted, but neither are we overly keen on being the subject of office gossip tomorrow.
We fall into conversation easily. I don't feel nervous or in any way awkward which is partly to do with how easy he is to be around, but I'm pretty sure it's also because in my head this is very much not a date.
We talk about work. We talk about our families. It goes beyond small talk and it's really nice to get to know him a bit better. We do have quite a bit in common and things just seem to flow well throughout the night.
If this was a first date, then I couldn't hope for anything better conversation wise.
We are back discussing Australia when he decides to show me some photos on his phone of where his brother lives. He moves round to my side of the table to make showing me easier. The space between us keeps lessening and somewhere around photo three appearing I feel our legs touch.
I freeze. But only for a second before I jolt my leg away.
He doesn't mention the fact I have effectively flinched when he tried to touch me, he just thankfully continues with the photos.
It's knocked me though. It's brought me down and I grow quieter and quieter, ensuring I ask him more questions than he asks me, so I don't need to be the focus.
My attention is drifting, likely soon to be lost.
The thing is this. There was a spark. I felt it not when our legs touched. I felt it just when he was sitting across the table from me. That electric charge that leaps through the air linking two people. It was definitely there.
I'm not sure it's possible to be there and only one person feel it so I'm going to assume he felt it too. And is therefore now perplexed when I appeared somewhat disgusted and tried to push it away by moving my leg.
Thankfully this little incident happened towards the end of the night. It's not long before the pub is closing so I can get away from this.
I shouldn't want to get away. It's a clearly confusing reaction. Everyone wants to experience a spark. When it appears you feel excited, you feel hopeful, you feel exuberant happiness. I feel none of those things. A spark is yet one more thing I'm not allowed to engage with. A firmly built barrier is blockading it out.
When we leave, he walks me to find a taxi. Once one is approaching, he turns and says, 'I had a really nice night, I'm glad we did this.'
Before he can add anything alluding to wanting to do it again, I cut him off quickly with 'Yes, it's been really lovely'.
I say a silent 'thank you' to the taxi driver for speedily appearing next to me so I can leave straight after I've answered, adding slightly manically 'See you at work!'.
As the taxi drives off, I don't turn around because I don't need to. I know he's standing looking after me with a confused hurt look on his face. I don't want to see that look. I'm in enough pain.
This would have been so much easier and kinder on both of us if there was no spark.
Not
long after I get home a message comes through on my phone.
Did you get home ok?
Don't be nice to me Ben. You're only making this harder.
Yes thanks.
Good. Really did have a good night, hope we can do it again soon.
I don't reply.
Chapter 34
The next day I get in late to work and sit down at my desk to the immediate sense of Ed's desperation in wanting to talk to me.
I really love sitting next to Ed. Today though, I really do not love sitting next to Ed.
I wish I could sit anywhere else but next to Ed. I can feel his impatience at wanting us to be alone so he can question me about last night. It's distracting and annoying. I don't want to have to talk to him about it so I'm in a bad mood.
I take a deliberately long lunch to avoid the situation even longer, but my efforts are wasted as when I eventually return Nathan and Sally are in a meeting.
'Good, you're back. How did it go last night?' I haven't even sat down or attempted to take off my coat before his words fly at me.
I look at him, not really sure how I should play this. 'It was good. We got on well.'
'Great! That's really great!' he is sounding a little manic. 'But wait, you don't seem very excited about it and you've been in a grump all morning. These are not the signals of love blooming I want to see Amy.'
I sigh. 'I'm sorry to disappoint you but you will not be seeing love blooming between me and Ben.'
'Why not?'
'We got on. We had a fun night. But that was all it was. It won't be going any further.'
'Those are generally indicators of two people who will see each other again though are they not? How did you leave it? Did he ask to see you again?'
'No. We both agreed it made more sense to stay just friends.'
'You both agreed.'
'Yes.'
'Those specific words came out both of your mouths.'
'Sort of.'
Sometimes I hate the fact he knows me so well.
'This isn't making a whole lot of sense to me.'
It's not making sense to me or likely to Ben either, but understandable sense left the building a long time ago.
'Look, I'm sorry this isn't what you wanted to hear, I know you were really hoping it would work out, but it isn't going to.' I'm getting annoyed now that he's pushed me into this situation. 'I need you to drop this now. I've done what you asked, I went on the date and kept my promise so can we just move on?'
He might have pushed me into this situation but really, my annoyance is being misdirected at him.
'Ok, ok, fine. It's just… I'm disappointed. Disappointed for you. And me obviously. But mostly for you.'
I stare at him for a moment. I'm not doing this here. I turn to my screen and start working.
Towards the end of the day Ben sends me a message.
Hey Amy, how's your day been? It's my cousin's birthday tomorrow and he's having a drinks thing – do you fancy coming?
I have something on tomorrow so can't make it I'm afraid.
That's a shame. How about a drink next week instead?
I'm pretty busy at the moment so next week is not great either. Sorry.
I know. The too busy excuse. Poor. But it feels too harsh to just tell him outright I can't see him again.
Over the next few days he tries a couple more times to get in touch, but I respond with similar cold rejections. I hate doing this to him.
I do genuinely really like him, and he is showing interest in feeling the same. I should be feeling happy, excited at the prospect of something new starting. I don't feel any of those things. I feel desperately sad at yet another wonderful life thing I have to watch pass me by.
I suddenly realise that not only am I losing a potentially great relationship, I'm also losing a friend. This is going to change us. Of course it will, why did I not think this through?
Another friend to add to the pile of lost people stolen from me.
Chapter 35
The following week there is another work drinks occasion. I've had an oddly good day so when the time comes for people to leave, I pack up my things and join them. These times are rare but when they do appear, I am so very happy to see them.
Sally is also happy to see them. She seems genuinely delighted when she realises I am walking next to her, actually about to participate in a work social night.
Remember this Sally. I know it's going to be hard to and you probably won't since all the other times cloud your view of me, but try remember this one Sally – I show up when I can.
For the first part of the evening I'm glad I did show up. Everyone is having fun and I feel part of it.
I am aware of Ben being here but we're chatting in different groups so it's a while before we have any contact.
I'm standing at the bar and I suddenly feel his presence next to me.
'Hey Amy, how's things?'
'Good thanks, you?'
'Good too.' He pauses before continuing as if contemplating how to play this. 'Although, I'm struggling to work out something and wondered if you'd care to share your opinion on it? Could use your advice.'
'Ok.' Not sure where he's going with this.
'So, I went on this date last week with this great girl who I really like. I thought the date went pretty well, and I felt sure it would lead to another. But she's been turning down all my suggestions for further dates and I get the feeling might be avoiding me. Do you think I've blown my chances?'
It's nice he's taking this approach. It's relieving any tension. And it means I get to use third person talking.
'Hmm… I'm not sure. Maybe she enjoyed the date but just felt like you'd be better as friends?'
'Maybe.' He looks at me in silence for a moment before continuing, 'It's just… that's not the vibe I was getting.'
'Well your vibe and your date's vibe are not always the same vibe you know.'
'I know.' He smiles before adding, 'But, whilst I might concede there can be different vibes, I'm not so convinced when it comes to sparks.'
I stay silent.
'You see, that was definitely present and I'm almost certain you felt it too. So, can you help me out here and explain to me the just being friends thing?'
Oh. Dropping the third person now. Time to get serious.
'I'm just not looking for a relationship Ben. You're lovely and I had a great time the other night, I really did, but I just can't be in a relationship right now.'
He thinks on this for a little while before responding. 'Whether you are looking for a relationship or not, sometimes they just appear before you. Is it really sensible to turn it down? I mean, sparks are rare right? They get talked about way more often than they're ever actually felt so are you sure you want to just walk away from that? Plus, I'm not proposing marriage here, it doesn't have to be this serious thing. We could just go on another date and see where it leads?'
These are all lovely sensible words and so much of me wants to let him know how much I agree. I would like nothing more than to just go on another date and see where it leads, but the problem I have is that I know where it leads. There's no mystery for me. It leads nowhere good for either of us.
I decide to change tact as he's clearly going to need a better answer.
'I'm sorry Ben, the main reason I'm not looking for a relationship is not that I just fancy being on my own for a while, it's more down to the fact I'm still in love with my ex.'
Not entirely not true. I will love my ex forever because he existed before. He represents a time in my past when I was free to be in a relationship. And a very beautiful relationship it was. That love will be preserved in my memory forever. So, if it needs to manifest now in Ben thinking it is preventing me from entering into another relationship, then so be it.
'Oh, I didn't realise you'd been seeing someone.' He looks a little deflated now.
'It was a while ago, but it was quite a difficult break up that was ongoing for some time before it was offici
ally over.'
'Sorry to hear that.' He pauses, perhaps trying to think of something further he can say to persuade me before realising there isn't anything. 'I understand. I won't push things any more then, but it's a shame. I really like you Amy – remember that ok? When the time comes that you feel like you can start dating someone make sure I'm first on the list of suitors please.'
I smile. 'Absolutely, I promise. And Ben… I really am sorry; I shouldn't have agreed to go for drinks with you in the first place.'
'I'm still glad you did. No harm done. Anyway, I better get these drinks back to the others.' He picks up the drinks and moves to walk away before deciding to add, 'Don't forget what I said though.'
I smile and watch him walk away.
I turn to go and join my friends and immediately feel Ed's eyes on me.
Not now Ed.
I sit down next to Sally where there is thankfully one free seat and nowhere near where Ed is sitting.
She pulls me into the conversation, and I stay with her for the rest of the night. She is very clearly drunk and even louder than usual, but she's being quite amusing and being in her company I think is good for me right now.
The night draws to a close and people slowly start to leave. I can't see Ed anywhere so take my chance and say some quick goodbyes before leaving myself.
I'm not quick enough though and just as I'm almost out the door I hear his voice shouting after me. 'Amy, wait!'
Shit.
'I've barely seen you all night and now you're going to leave without saying goodbye?'
'Sorry, I thought you'd already gone.' I lie.
'Ok, well I'm leaving now too anyway so I'll walk you to a taxi.'
'Ok, great.' Not great. I do not want to have this conversation.
'I saw you chatting with Ben at the bar.' Straight in there then.
'Yeh. We're friends remember? Friends chat when they see each other in pubs.'
'Very funny. Thing is Ames, I saw the way you guys were looking at each other. Friends might chat in pubs, but friends certainly don't look at each other with those kinds of looks.'
The Existence of Amy Page 11