Arthur wants to try and identify what might have led me down this path given I wasn't always like this. I used to live what you may term a normal life with a normal mind. Nothing to make me stand out as peculiar to others.
Somewhere in my twenties things started to change. It's hard to pinpoint as I didn't simply wake up one morning with all these new bizarre thoughts running through my brain. I wasn't suddenly introduced one day to this higher force that had taken over my brain assuring me it was here to save me.
It sneaked in gradually. Perhaps it was busy with other brains so couldn't commit to giving me its full attention straight away. It just occasionally appeared and then disappeared again. Almost unnoticeable, and certainly ignorable at first.
Arthur asks if I have ever actually been seriously ill. Given my fears this seems a sensible place to start. I know where he is going with this and have already arrived at the conclusion myself in the past as it does present as a somewhat logical explanation. If the notion of logic can even be applied to this realm which is perhaps a stretch.
'I did spend some time in hospital. I went in for a routine operation but there were some complications and I didn't seem to recover in a way that was expected. I was not at death's door or anything, but neither was I very well. After a few days I became aware of being labelled a special case. I remember trainee doctors coming to observe me, and I would overhear hushed conversations discussing my seemingly strange reaction.'
'That must have been scary for you.'
'I don't think I paid all that much attention to it at the time. Days passed and I eventually showed signs of recovery and was discharged. But I guess some things maybe stuck in my head. The main one being that I don't have a body that copes well.'
'So, you feel you need to protect yourself from getting ill. More so than others might.'
'I guess so, maybe. It was never one big rush of fear that suddenly engulfed me though from the moment I left the hospital. It seemed more to creep up in some sort of slow delayed reaction. I went back to my normal life and nothing really changed at first.'
'Do you remember when you first noticed things change?'
'Not really no. I think I started taking more care with washing my hands after touching things but sort of told myself this was just common sense and I should have been doing it all along. Then over time I realised I was avoiding things because I thought it was the safer option than to put myself in an environment of potential danger. I just followed along with all these new instructions my brain was giving me and didn't give it too much thought at first. But then I became aware of it starting to really impact my life.'
'In what ways has it impacted your life?'
'Well, the avoiding mainly. Not just avoiding touching an object but avoiding participating in things. I've missed so many social occasions because it gets built up into too stressful a prospect in my mind. Sometimes it's even worse than missing social occasions. It's missing full days because I simply can't convince my brain it's safe to leave my home.'
'That must be very hard for you.'
'It's as though I'm looking out at a life that exists, but I'm not allowed to participate in it. The life I'm looking at appears to be fun, yet my brain is telling me there is all this invisible danger. So, every day I feel scared. Every day I feel exhausted. When I stop and acknowledge this, I am then often joined by overwhelming sadness.'
'Which is when the depression appears?'
'Yes. I feel some level of sadness accompany me through all my days, but it is sort of functioning sadness if that makes sense. I still manage to leave the house and go to work. Then there are periods though where it takes over. It doesn't seem content to just sit on the side lines, so it pushes its way in and pulls me down. It's so wearing living in an almost continual state of fear. I feel so tired all the time. This, combined with realisations of all the things I'm missing out on, drain me of any enthusiasm to want to keep going.'
He looks at me with compassion and moves the box of tissues a little further to my side of the table.
Chapter 47
I continue on with my weekly visits to Arthur. Talking about what has been going on feels strange and amazing and scary and light and dark all at the same time. I have never voiced these words before to anyone, and aside from all this mixture of emotions something is also telling me it's a good thing to get these words out.
Each visit is different.
There are times when I simply sit and cry the whole time and barely manage any coherent words at all. The ever-present sadness in my daily life has found its biggest audience and wants to show off in front of Arthur.
There are times when I struggle to think of things to say. His questions are met with short answers. I can't seem to grasp hold of the necessary detail to expand. He will stay silent, patiently waiting for me to find this detail. All this does is make me uncomfortable because I know I'm not capable of productively speaking on this day. I find myself wanting to plead with him 'please say some more words because I seem to have run out.'
There are times when I can't stop talking. Almost as though it is suddenly making so much more sense when said aloud. I need to keep the memento going in order to finally reach some kind of full and proper understanding.
I hope that all these variations of visits are helpful or leading towards something else that is helpful. I never feel quite sure what is correct. Is there even a correct?
Arthur doesn't seem phased by any of them though. He just sits patiently allowing me to be how I seem to need to be that week. I guess he just works with what he's got. Perhaps he views all as valid parts of this process.
I eventually decide to choose that same view and not dwell too much on it.
I suspect I will be visiting Arthur for a long time yet anyway so it could end up a little monotonous if every visit was the same experience.
One thing that does stay the same in every visit is that Nathan drives me there and back. And waits outside in his car the whole entire time. I'm not sure if he's still worried that I will try and make some kind of escape, or he just wants to be close in case for some reason I need him.
Either way, the more he turns up for me the more I am touched by his kindness.
His continual checking on me was irritating at first. But now I almost look forward to his messages. I can't quite understand why he's doing all this for me. It's surprising to me.
One day I find myself smiling at a funny message he has sent me. His messages have often been infused with humour which has up until now been wasted on me, but today I appear to be having a different reaction.
The emptiness I've been existing in has accepted a small visitor. It's not overly recognisable but I think it might in some small vague way resemble happiness.
It prompts me to reject my autopilot response of 'I'm fine' that he is usually graced with. Instead I attempt at engaging in his humour. It's likely a subpar attempt but at least my brain wants to do something different.
He responds immediately and I can almost feel his delight bursting through the words. We go back and forth a little in the same vein and it's nice.
This is how we used to be. I realise how much I've missed it.
Chapter 48
I notice more and more of these small little improvements over the coming days and one day I find myself looking out the window feeling the desire to go outside.
I have of course been outside to attend therapy appointments, but no other attempts have even been remotely considered up until this moment.
The sun is out. I think it has been out quite a lot recently, but I have rejected its attempts to lure me to it. Today is different though. I feel a wave of need to be in its company.
I get dressed and stand at the front door. Don't think too much Amy. Just do it.
I take a few slow steps beyond my door then stand completely still for a little time. It feels so bright. My eyes need time to adjust. The light breeze swaying around me feels strange but nice. I feel the encouragi
ng warmth of the sun on my skin and eventually take some more steps forward.
I have no plan for where I'm walking to but maybe I don't need to be walking to anywhere. I just need to be walking. To be outside. With the air, and with the sun. It feels good.
The road my apartment is on is quite long, so I walk in the same direction for a while. Once I reach the end I turn onto a much busier road. I almost immediately realise I've made a mistake. I should have walked in the other direction. It's loud. Cars driving. There are people. Not many, but they seem to be talking loudly. They feel too near me, even though they are on the opposite side of the road.
I turn around and go back home, this time walking faster.
Later in the day I decide to call Nathan and tell him. I know he will appreciate knowing I made an attempt at least to leave the house on my own.
'That's great!'
'But I wasn't outside for very long, I had to come straight back after freaking out.'
'Don't think too much about how long you managed outside, or the fact you freaked out. Those things are completely normal given this was your first time. The important thing is that you felt like you wanted to, and you followed through.'
'Ok.'
'Trust me Ames, you should be proud of yourself. I certainly am.'
I think about his words. This seems a strange thing to be proud of. Not exactly high up there on a list of life's greatest achievements. Unlikely even on the list at all. But I concede I have a very different list of achievements to focus on at the moment.
'Thanks.'
'Do you want to maybe try again tomorrow? I could come with you. We could drive out somewhere quiet and have a walk in the countryside if that's maybe easier?'
'I'm not sure.'
'Have a think about it. Doesn't have to be tomorrow. Can be the day after, or the day after that. You just name the day and I will be there.'
'Ok, I will think about it and let you know.'
'Great.' He pauses before thoughtfully adding, 'You're going to get through this Ames, I promise you.'
We end the call and I think about his suggestion. A walk in the countryside does actually sound quite appealing. I wouldn't have to worry too much about noise or other people, and I could get to spend more time with the sun.
I don't commit to any decisions but in this current moment I am feeling drawn to taking Nathan up on his offer.
It's a few more days before I feel like acting on it though. He appears on my doorstep not long after I've sent him a message to confirm. I presume he (correctly) senses that I can't have too much time to think about this or will likely change my mind.
We drive for about an hour and it's nice to be in his company.
It's a bright sunny day (otherwise I would not have agreed) and Nathan has picked a beautiful quiet spot for us to walk.
We pass the occasional dog walker, but we are pretty much alone aside from that.
Nathan does two things which I am extremely grateful for.
He doesn't keep asking me if I'm ok.
And, he keeps the conversation light with no reference to my current situation.
I need this break. Out here on this walk I'm going to pretend to be normal. Just for these couple of hours I'm simply walking in the countryside catching up with a friend.
I've tried to wrap my brain in numerous invisible plasters to allow for this pretence. They will of course fall off again soon but for this short time they will hopefully hold, allowing some resemblance of mental stability.
Nathan fills me in on what's been happening at work. New projects that are causing stress. New clients that are also causing stress (but of course still being assessed for his potential soul mate status). His stories keep me amused and I feel a rush of warmth for him.
He senses when I grow a little quieter that it might be time to take me home and doesn't make any big deal out of it. He simply guides us back to the car and drives me home.
I'm about to get out of the car when I pause before opening the door. I'm not quite sure what I want to say. I turn to look at him and try and will appropriate sentences to form in my brain. The only words I manage to actually voice though are, 'Thank you'. He deserves so many more, but it seems he will have to wait a bit longer.
'Any time.' He responds with a smile.
Chapter 49
Over the next few weeks we repeat this country walking quite a few times. I find myself looking forward to it. I wasn't entirely convinced I was any longer capable of looking forward to things, so this I know is a very significant step in progress.
One day we are walking, and it feels important to share with Nathan.
'I think I might be getting better.' This statement feels precariously close to tempting fate, so I quickly add, 'A little bit anyway.'
'You definitely are.' He smiles. 'Not just because you are making it out of the house. I see it in you.'
I smile. 'I think I see it in me too. Or rather I feel it. I feel something changing.'
'You have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that.' I look at his face and I see this relief exuding from his expression.
We walk in silence for a little while before I say, 'You have been so amazing to me Nathan, I know I don't deserve such a good friend as you. When I think now about everything you've done, I can't quite believe it.'
'You'd do the same for me.'
Would I? Maybe before.
He continues, 'You really scared me there for a while. I couldn't just sit and watch you struggle and fade. No way was I ever going to let that happen.'
'I'm sorry I scared you.'
'I know you didn't have much choice in the matter.'
'No, I don't think I did. But still. I am sorry.'
'I know Ed leaving was tough on you. I suspect this maybe would have happened regardless though. But I'm still going to say this to you – Ed was not your only friend. I know Sal has a funny way of showing it sometimes, but she does really care about you. And you have been really missed by a lot of people in the office. So many have been asking me how you are doing and when you will be back. These people are your friends Ames, don't go forgetting that ok?'
'I know.' Do I know? I never really seem able to fully grasp that someone might want to be my friend when I behave so terribly sometimes.
I continue, 'You are right about Ed leaving being tough. I really miss him. But I always thought this was the best thing for him. I am happy for him.'
I do miss Ed, but I think his part in contributing to my recent state was more than just feeling like I have lost another friend. He represented yet another person able to take on fun exciting adventures I knew I myself couldn't even hope to attempt. He was engaging in life as it should be. I have not been allowed to engage for so long, it often cuts deeply when I see how easy it is for others.
I watched him move on with his life, leaving me behind in the suffocating bubble I always feel left in.
'He's been in touch a few times. I've rolled out some quite impressive excuses for why you haven't been contactable but I'm not sure how much longer they will hold. So, if you don't want him suddenly appearing on your doorstep, I'd say now is the time to get in touch with him.'
'I will. So, you didn't tell him what's been going on?'
'No, I didn't. I thought about it, but we both know he would have been straight on the next flight back here to be by your side. I just didn't really think that would help anyone. I hope I made the right decision.'
'You did. You absolutely did. He needs to focus on his life in Singapore.'
'And you need to focus on your life here. And I am nominating myself as the person to help you do that. Given the fact I am not allowing any other candidates to nominate themselves, and also given the fact we are not in love with each other like you and Ed were, I conclude I have successfully been granted the position.'
'Well, you have been proving yourself to be quite skilled in the position already, so I'd be honoured to have you continue.' I smile before continuing. 'A
nd for the record, Ed and I were not in love with each other.'
'Hmm… maybe not you. But I'm almost certain there were inappropriate feelings on his side. But we're not going to dwell on that. Thankfully Singapore stepped in and stopped things from getting too messy, so we can say a little thank you to Singapore and move you along with your life here.'
I smile again. 'Sounds good.'
Chapter 50
My life does move along.
Arthur has started me on a specific recommended therapy process called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (or CBT as we refer to it given acronyms are well liked in this realm). He assures me it can be very effective in the tackling of OCD. I can't attest yet to that effectiveness as it unfortunately involves some period of time before results can be noticed. I am hopeful, however, given his assurances on it.
It is hard work. It's not simply confined to the hour time slot I spend with Arthur. It's something that needs to be worked on every day as it essentially involves training my brain to think in a different way. Given it has been allowed to think in a destructive way for such a long period of time, it's going to take some real effort to retrain it. But retrain it I absolutely must.
I think talking to Arthur in general, however, has been good for me. This, likely in combination with the medication, seems to direct me towards eventually feeling able to attempt going back to work.
I have miraculously managed to still keep my job throughout this time. Or more accurately put, Nathan has kept it for me. He managed to convince them to hire a freelancer to cover my work temporarily. I barely registered this kindness back when he originally told me this plan. I barely registered any of his words so there was little hope of registering the beauty in his actions.
Now it is my first day back and I'm so incredibly grateful to him. I'm not sure I could have coped with having to find a new job right now.
I actually feel something resembling excitement at the prospect of getting back into work. It's been so long since I've felt this feeling so I can't be entirely sure. Maybe it's nervousness. Or maybe a bit of both. Whatever it is, it gets me out of the house successfully so I'm content to feel it.
The Existence of Amy Page 15