Thor Is Locked in My Garage!

by Robert J. Harris

  “Loki’s using that seed to make them bigger,” puffed Greg. He broke off with a grunt as an oversized shrub butted him in the chest.

  Roots reared up off the floor like snakes to entangle their legs while branches lashed at them from above. Greg caught hold of a flailing frond and tried to twist it apart, but it was like wrestling with a huge rubber band. Holding it at bay with one hand, he used the other to pull out his Swiss army knife. He popped open the cutting blade and hacked at the stem.

  “This is no use,” he panted. “It’d take an axe to whack this thing.”

  The tangle of branches pressed tighter, blocking out the light. Lewis was bracing himself to go under when suddenly a rip appeared in the wall of vegetation.

  There came a sound of slashing and tearing and shreds of vegetation went flying in all directions. Through the widening gap Lewis caught sight of Susie.

  She had the blades from her skates, one in each hand, and was using them to slice her way through the choking greenery. When she reached the brothers she demanded breathlessly, “Where are Sven and Garth?”

  “I don’t know,” Lewis answered, tugging at a frond that was wrapping itself around his throat. “I can’t see anything for all these leaves.”

  “This is ridiculous,” Susie seethed. “They’re growing back as fast as I cut them.”

  “That’s because of the magic,” said Greg as he wrestled an enormous fern.

  “Gutters!” said Susie, chopping through a tangle of fronds. “It’s genetic mutation, that’s all.”

  Suddenly Thor burst through the foliage like a stampeding rhino, torn vines trailing from his arms. He waded towards them, chopping to his left and right with Mjolnir, but the tangle of branches simply took the blows and sprang back.

  “A hammer’s not the best thing for fighting plants, is it?” said Susie.

  “Ja, I’d give a lot for a good sword right now,” said Thor, bashing at the trunk of a banana plant.

  The four of them drew together back to back, struggling to fight off the greenery that threatened to smother them. Greg’s knife went flying as a lashing vine smacked it from his hand. Susie lost one of her skates and did her best to fight on with the other. Lewis punched and kicked as hard as he could, but twin clusters of overgrown papaya leaves got hold of him like monstrous hands and began to squeeze the breath out of him.

  Out of nowhere came a sudden whiff of smoke and a flash of flame. A bundle of burning paper dropped into the midst of the struggle and the plants recoiled at once, snatching their branches out of harm’s way.

  As the leaves parted, Lewis spotted Garth Makepeace calmly setting fire to bundles of money with his lighter and tossing them at the rampaging vegetation. The green horrors jerked back and retreated from the flames like mice running from a cat.

  “Wow, that’s some save, Garth!” Susie enthused, shaking off a scattering of seeds.

  “Did you never see that old movie Attack of the Killer Creepers?” the actor asked with a grin. “Giant man-eating plants hate fire. See?”

  He lit another bundle of notes and flung it at the plants.

  “Those are hundred-pound notes!” Lewis exclaimed as Makepeace joined them.

  “So what?” said the actor. “It’s only money.”

  Thor looked around and grimaced. “Did you see which way Loki went?”

  Makepeace shook his head. “We’d better not stick around here much longer,” he warned. “I only carry so much cash on me.”

  “We must get back to the skis,” said Thor.

  “Okay, this is the last bundle,” said Makepeace, lighting a handful of notes. Thrusting it ahead of him, he forced a path through the greenery. Angry walls of shrubbery loomed on either hand, but the plants kept their distance.

  The paper burned quickly. They were almost at the threshold when Makepeace uttered a yelp of pain and let the last fiery fragment fall. Thor lunged forward and threw open the door. “Go!” he shouted.

  Once he had bundled everybody through, Thor dived in after them, slamming the door behind him. A wave of dense greenery smacked up against the glass and fell back, limbs thrashing in frustration.

  In the corridor beyond, a new threat awaited them. Lewis skidded to a halt with a cry of dismay.

  A gang of enormous cacti, swollen to horrendous size, had burst out of the Desert Room and invaded the corridor. Bristling like a nest of bayonets, they barred the way back to the entrance.

  Greg threw up his arms. “Oh come on! Ice monsters are one thing, but giant cactuses are right over the score!”

  Lewis swallowed hard. “Actually the plural of cactus is cacti.”

  “It doesn’t matter what you call them, Lewis – they don’t have any ears!” Greg retorted.

  The cactus plants were edging forward, their spikes swishing the air.

  “Quick! The other way!” ordered Thor.

  As they wheeled around, the glass wall to their right gave way and a towering row of grotesque shapes lumbered out in front of them. What looked like enormous snapping mouths mounted on rubbery tendrils lunged at them hungrily. A memory of one of his biology classes told Lewis what they were.

  “Venus flytraps!” he shouted to the others. “They’re carnivores! If they catch you, they’ll eat you!”

  The huge flytraps shuffled forward, their jaws gaping, and a sickly sweet fragrance filled the air.

  “I think we’re trapped, all right,” said Makepeace.

  “Maybe not!” exclaimed Susie.

  Beckoning frantically, she pointed to a set of double doors in an alcove to their left. They were marked PRIVATE. Greg tugged at the handle.

  “It’s no good, they’re locked!” he shouted.

  “Stand aside!” growled Thor, raising his hammer.

  With one mighty blow he dashed the lock to pieces and kicked the doors open. Beyond lay a storeroom with clay pots, bags of fertiliser, and garden tools stacked up against the walls. There was a door at the far end. Thor pointed the way with Mjolnir. “Run!” he shouted.

  Makepeace and Greg rushed the far door and threw their shoulders against it. It gave way and they tumbled out onto the snow-covered ground with Lewis and Susie on their heels. As Thor ran after them, one of the flytraps lashed out and caught hold of his leg. It snatched him up and shook him like a doll.

  Thor twisted in the air and lashed out with Mjolnir. The hammer connected with the plant’s lower jaw and a jet of sap burst out. The flytrap went mad, bashing the god of thunder against the roof, then slamming him to the floor.

  The others rushed back to help as the vicious plant whipped Thor this way and that, but more hungry mouths came snapping at them. Lewis stepped back outside and scooped up a big handful of snow.

  “Take that!” he yelled, flinging it at one of the plant monsters.

  The Venus flytrap shrivelled at the freezing impact and recoiled.

  “Hey, that’s a good idea!” Greg exclaimed.

  He and Susie joined Lewis in bombarding the plants with snowballs until they dropped Thor.

  “They’re tropical plants!” said Lewis triumphantly. “They can’t stand the snow.”

  “You guys keep up the attack,” Makepeace told them. “I’ll get Sven out of there.”

  He scrambled across the storeroom floor and grabbed Thor by the arm. As the rain of snowballs kept the flytraps at bay, he hauled their stricken friend outside and slammed the door shut. Thor was badly bruised, and had a nasty-looking gash on the side of his head, but he was still clinging to Mjolnir.

  “Boy, that was like one of those old war movies,” said Makepeace, “where the sergeant has to rescue one of his men from under fire. I always wanted to be in one of those.”

  Lewis and Greg tried to get Thor back on his feet, but his right leg gave out from under him and he sank to the ground with a grimace of pain. “I can’t make it,” he moaned. “You had best get away and leave me for the wolves.”

  “There aren’t any wolves in St Andrews,” said Lewis.

&n
bsp; “And we’re not leaving you,” added Greg.

  “This will be tough going if he can’t walk,” said Makepeace.

  “Take care of Sven while I go get the skis,” said Susie, dashing off around the corner. She reappeared moments later, her face pale. “Sorry, guys, the skis are gone,” she reported miserably. “I made a dive for them, but a bunch of cactuses scooped them up and snatched them inside.”

  “That’s that, then,” said Greg. “If we go back in there, they’ll chew us up and use us for compost.”

  “We’ll just have to manage without the skis,” said Lewis.

  Susie cast an anxious glance at Thor. “Do you think it’s okay to move him?”

  “We’ll freeze to death if we stay here,” said Greg.

  Makepeace gave Thor’s shoulder a gentle shake. “Hey, big guy, can you hear me? We need to make tracks.”

  Thor stirred and groaned. “I hear you. Help me up.”

  With Thor’s arms wrapped around their shoulders, Makepeace and Greg managed to get him moving. A fresh fall of snow filled the air with thick white flakes.

  “Come on! The car park’s this way,” urged Lewis.

  He and Susie took the lead while Greg and Makepeace supported Thor behind them. By the time they reached the entrance to the gardens, the blizzard was so intense they could barely see more than a few yards in any direction.

  They struggled across the car park, their feet numbed by the deep snow. Thor was doing his best to stay upright, but he was clearly approaching the end of his strength.

  “I feel like I’m turning into a popsicle,” said Makepeace. “Between the plants and the snow, Larry’s sure put us in a bind.”

  “Loki’s cranked up the freezer,” said Greg through chattering teeth.

  “He wants to finish us off,” said Lewis, as they emerged into the Canongate Road, “so we can’t cause him any more trouble.”

  His left foot went from under him and he fell. Greg and Makepeace tripped over him and went down, taking Thor with them. The god of thunder struggled to rise, then collapsed on his back. “My leg is wrecked,” he muttered weakly. “In the old days I would have shrugged this off like nothing, but now…”

  His voice trailed off into a stream of unhappy Norse mutterings.

  “This isn’t good,” said Susie, her voice shaking as she dropped to her knees. She looked completely exhausted.

  Lewis pulled out his phone and tried to call his parents, but, as before, the extreme weather had brought the network down and there was no signal. Lewis’ heart sank. He felt frozen right through and didn’t see how they could make it any further. The snow was falling faster than ever, and if they didn’t get out of here, it wouldn’t be long before they were buried.

  Greg’s eye suddenly lighted on the Shoes of Vidar, which were still tucked into Thor’s belt. He grabbed them and said, “That’s the stuff!”

  The energy in his voice jolted Lewis out of his stupor. He watched, shivering, as Greg swapped the magic shoes for his boots. Tying the laces of the boots together, he slung them over his shoulder and took a few experimental steps. He found he could walk over the surface of the snow as easily as if it were solid.

  “Hey, these are really comfy,” he said. “They feel like the best trainers ever.”

  “I’ll bet they’re no Skyliners,” Susie joked, forcing her frozen lips into a smile.

  “You guys take care of Sven,” Greg instructed. “I’ll run on ahead and get help.”

  Setting off at a jog, he disappeared into the blizzard.

  “I hope he doesn’t get lost,” Lewis groaned.

  Susie pressed up next to him, shoulder to shoulder. “We’ve got the lights on at home,” she reminded him. “He’s bound to spot those.”

  “I wouldn’t count on it.”

  Susie gave him a poke in the arm. “You know, Lewis, if Greg spent as much time worrying as you do, neither of you would ever get anything done. Of course, if you both barged ahead without thinking the way he does, you’d probably fall over a cliff.”

  “Hanging around with him is a lot like walking along the edge of a cliff,” Lewis agreed.

  “He is kind of a goof, isn’t he?” Susie chuckled.

  “Is that why you like him?”

  “He makes me laugh, right enough, but that’s not all of it. You see, Lewis, Greg doesn’t worry about the problems other people get hung up on. Now, I’ve scored a lot of goals, and you can’t do that if you’re scared to take on the defence. Greg’s not scared to take on the defence.”

  “The shoes will guide him,” muttered Thor, propping himself up on one elbow. Even that effort seemed to cause him further agony. “That is their power.”

  Garth Makepeace leaned over him, trying to protect Thor from the worst of the blizzard. “You know, this reminds me of a movie I did once where I was trapped on an iceberg,” the actor recalled.

  “Right now, that doesn’t sound so bad,” said Lewis, pulling his hood tightly around his face.

  “It was worse than you think. There was a bomb inside the ice, set to explode in ten minutes.”

  “So how did you escape?” Susie asked.

  “Darned if I can remember,” said Makepeace. “I had a beautiful lady scientist with me and she did most of the hard work.”

  “Women usually do,” said Susie.

  Thor stirred feebly. “You know, Makepeace, you’re not such a bad guy,” he murmured, “for a play actor…” His voice tailed off and his eyes closed.

  Susie bowed her head and hugged herself tightly against the cold. She mumbled, “I don’t suppose anybody’s got a bar of chocolate on them?”

  Lewis shook his head numbly.

  “That would be worth about a million bucks right now, wouldn’t it?” grunted Makepeace.

  Lewis gazed down at Thor. The Norse god’s face was pale and flecked with snow and there was a frozen ribbon of blood on his cheek. If not for the rising and falling of his broad chest, it would be impossible to tell that he was still alive.

  Lewis wished he knew how long Greg had been gone, but the effort of looking at his watch would use more energy than he had left. All they could do was huddle close to Thor, doing their best to shelter him.

  And the snow kept on falling.

  12. Spaghetti and Meatballs

  “What’s that?” Susie croaked suddenly.

  Lewis realised his eyes had drooped shut and he had to rub the ice from his lashes before he could open them. The air all around was a blur of white. He tried to say ‘where?’ but it came out as ‘ungh’.

  “Have my eyes gone screwy,” he heard Garth Makepeace murmur, “or are those lights coming our way?”

  A torch flared out of the gloom and Greg appeared behind it, trotting along in the Shoes of Vidar. Racing up to them, he wheeled in his tracks and jumped up and down, waving. “Here they are!”

  Dad and Mr Spinetti appeared through the curtain of snow, dragging a sledge behind them. They were dressed in arctic gear with thermal gloves and goggles.

  “Come on,” said Dad, pulling Lewis to his feet, “you need to get moving before you freeze solid.”

  Greg and Mr Spinetti hauled Susie and Makepeace to their feet, then cleared the snow from Thor, who had almost disappeared under a blanket of white. Dad passed around a flask of hot minestrone soup. After a couple of gulps Lewis felt a welcome glow inside.

  “Yum! My favourite!” said Susie, with a lively gleam returning to her eye.

  Mr Spinetti propped up Thor’s head and forced some brandy between his lips. “There you go, get that down you.”

  As he swallowed, Thor’s eyes flickered open and he gazed around him groggily. “For a moment,” he groaned, “I thought the Valkyries had come to take my soul to Valhalla.”

  “It’s not come to that yet,” said Dad.

  Mr Spinetti passed out heated thermal packs, which they tucked inside their coats. Their warmth brought an immediate relief. Between the thermal packs and the soup, Lewis felt like he was coming
out of a coma.

  “I don’t know about you, Lewis,” said Greg, flapping his arms, “but I don’t think I’m going to build another snowman as long as I live.”

  “This blizzard’s getting worse,” said Mr Spinetti, “so we need to be on our way. Come on!”

  With Dad’s help, he picked Thor up and laid him gently on the sledge. Once Thor was securely wrapped in warm blankets, they set off up the road, hauling the sledge behind them.

  “I wish that chap who’s always dreaming of a white Christmas was here now,” said Dad. “I bet this would change his mind.”

  “Al, this isn’t some trick of yours to make me stick around for your golf tournament, is it?” Makepeace joked.

  “If it doesn’t work, we can always get Johnny Depp instead,” said Dad.

  Makepeace wagged a finger at him. “Never settle for second best, Al, never settle for second best.”

  When at last they came in sight of the Christmas lights decorating the Spinetti house, Lewis had never been so glad to see anything in his life. Once they were inside, Dad and Mr Spinetti took Thor to one of the bedrooms where they got him into warm, dry pyjamas and put him under an electric blanket. Lewis and Greg’s mum was a nurse, so she cleaned and bandaged the cut on his head and gave him some painkillers.

  Once she was done, she joined the rest of the company in the front room where Garth Makepeace was being introduced to everyone as he warmed himself by the gas fire. Susie’s brothers Michael and Charlie were running around the room making noises like fighter planes.

  “Do you mind telling us what you’ve been up to out there?” asked Mr McBride, tapping his empty pipe against his lower lip. “You look like you’ve been through the wars.”

  “It’s a bit of a long story,” Lewis mumbled, knowing how impossible it would all sound.

  “It’s top secret actually,” said Greg. “You know, like in a spy film.”

  “It’s like a movie, all right,” Makepeace agreed.

  “We really need Sven here to explain it properly,” said Susie.

  “Well, I suppose it can wait till he’s rested up a bit,” said Mrs McBride.

  Charlie dived between Makepeace’s legs and rolled across the carpet, making machine gun noises.