“That feels fucking amazing. Babe, you gotta stop or I’m going to come.”
I ignore him and keep sucking until his muscles twitch and his arms lift me up his body. I pout and he laughs hoarsely. “Sorry, but I don’t want this to end just yet.”
I kiss him, accepting his apology, and move my body over his. “I need to feel you inside of me now,” I say.
“Condom,” Jake instructs.
“Baby, I’m on the pill and I know I’m clean. I want to feel all of you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I kiss him and lift my hips while he guides his cock into me. I lower my body to cover him completely and moan. I love to feel him filling me. I am still for a moment and bask in the sensation of him bare inside of me. I sit up a bit and begin to ride him, taking control. It feels so much better not having a condom between us. It builds my desire faster and by the sounds coming from Jake, it’s the same for him. His hands grip my hips and he helps me move faster as I clench my muscles around him and squeeze. He groans when I do that, and I smile naughtily at him.
We move together faster and harder as our tongues imitate our thrusting movements. My body trembles as I climax around him. Jake flips us around and continues to thrust into me, extending my orgasm. With a final thrust, he finds his own release.
I brush the hair from his face and look at him. “That was amazing.”
“It was,” Jake says and moves next to me on the bed. “I’ve never done that before.”
“Sex?” I giggle. “I’m pretty sure that wasn’t your first rodeo.”
“Without a condom,” he laughs.
“Neither have I. I liked it.”
“I loved it.” He pulls me in and kisses my forehead. “I love you,” he tells me before kissing me.
“I love you, too.” I smile at him, and I know he can see just how much I love him in my expression. I trace his tattoos while we lay in silence.
“Are you going to add more tattoos?”
“Eventually. It tells my story, so I’m sure I’ll be adding more to it.”
“I like that it tells your story. It’s meaningful.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you excited to be an uncle?”
“I am. I’m sure she’s going to be adorable.”
“Babies usually are,” I chuckle.
“Not all of them.”
“That’s mean!”
“Hey, it’s the truth.”
“Would you rather be a parent to a boy or a girl?” I ask, curious. Not that I’m thinking of having children anytime soon, but I want to know what his preference would be.
“Neither. Love kids but they aren’t for me.”
I stop tracing his tattoos and freeze up. Is he serious? Everything around me stops as his words echo in my ears.
“Never?” I croak.
“Nah. They’re cute, but I’ve never really wanted to have any of my own. I’ll love my niece and always be there for her, but I get to return her at the end of the day,” he chuckles as his words slap me in the face.
“Oh,” is all I can manage to say. What now? I blink back tears. I need to get out of here.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I say after taking a stabilizing breath. “I gotta go.” I try to stand but his arms hold me in place.
“Why?”
“I gotta go, Jake. Remember, I’m sleeping at my place tonight.” I know my voice sounds defensive. I’m trying to keep it together.
“We haven’t even had dinner yet. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just need to get home.” I move away from him and get dressed quickly before I break down in front of him. How can he not want to have children? I never thought that would be something we disagreed on. I need to process this and think. I want children. I want to be a mom, and I kind of need a dad for that. Okay, maybe I don’t with technology now days, but I want a partner to raise children with. Is this our deal breaker?
“Babe, don’t go yet. Tell me what’s going on. I see your mind working. We can talk it out.”
“We’ll talk later.” I grab my bag and walk out of the room. I’m starting to crack, and it won’t take much longer for me to break completely. I look back at him and smile weakly. “Bye,” I whisper and walk out before he can reach the door.
I get in my car and drive away as I see him standing on the curb half dressed and completely devastated. My phone rings immediately, but I silence it. I can’t talk to him right now. I knew this was too fucking good to be true. I smack my steering wheel and pray I can keep my emotions in check until I get home. Tears fall from my eyes, blurring my vision but I swipe them out of the way so I can focus on my drive. My heart hurts, it really fucking hurts.
Can I continue my relationship with Jake knowing that eventually what we want for our future is the opposite? I can’t give up my desire to have children at some point in my life, and he seemed pretty sure he doesn’t want any. If we talk it out, will he change his mind? I know I won’t and I can’t really force him to, if it’s something he feels strongly about. Is this all we’ll ever be?
No. I refuse to believe it. We need to talk about this. Tomorrow we will. I will not let this be my reality. I walk into my apartment and straight for my bar. I serve a shot of whiskey and take it down. I take another one. Then, I slide down the wall and sit on the floor and let the tears fall freely.
“Whoa! You don’t look good.”
“Thanks, Lacy.” I roll my eyes and finish scooping the muffins into the pan.
“What’s wrong?” She looks at me with concern.
“Nothing,” I place the muffins in the oven and mix the ingredients for double chocolate brownies.
“Liar.”
I glare at Lacy. “Get to work.”
“Okay,” she mumbles and does what she needs to do before we open. I have to blink back tears a few times. I woke up to about twenty missed calls and voicemails. After listening to the first two, I erased them all. It hurt too much to hear his voice knowing there was nothing left to do. Jake deserves to know why I ran out last night, and I will call him back as soon as I’ve had some time to think. Savannah called me early this morning too but I ignored it. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. My heart is breaking, and I don’t want to discuss it.
Lacy answers the bakery’s phone when it rings, and I curse when I hear her greet Savannah.
“Yeah, she’s here. Give me a sec.” She holds the phone out to me, and I shake my head silently pleading that she make up an excuse for me. The concern on Lacy’s face tells me she sees the tears I’m trying to hold in.
“Hey Sav, can she call you back?” She listens to what Savannah tells her. “Okay. I will. Thanks.” Lacy hangs up the phone and looks at me.
“What the hell is going on?”
“Nothing,” I choke on that one word.
“Did something happen with Jake?”
I shake my head quickly but the tears are already falling. “Oh, hon, come here.” Lacy hugs me and soothes me. “Tell me what happened.”
I tell her about yesterday and how perfect it was. Then, I tell her how Jake doesn’t want children, and I froze and left before I lost it in front of him.
“Fuck, Lace. Why does something always have to go wrong?”
“Shh . . . Don’t think that way. Maybe if you talk to him about it, you can clear this up.”
“I need to. I know I can’t just ignore him. He’s going crazy not knowing what’s going on, but I needed to get out of there so I could breathe. Why?” I ask to no one in particular.
She takes a step back to look at me. “Maybe it isn’t that bad. I’m sure you can figure this out if you talk to him.”
“Like what? We date until I’m ready to have kids then break-up so I can screw another man and get pregnant?”
“No, but communication is key.” I remember a conversation I had with Savannah not that long ago where she said the same thing. “Take the day off. You already did most of the baking
. I’ll take care of the rest. Go home and get some rest then call him and talk to him. Oh, and call Savannah. She sounded worried you wouldn’t answer her calls. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jake called her.”
“Shit. You’re probably right. Thanks, Lace. Sorry I yelled at you earlier.”
“No need to apologize. I figured something happened. Bye. Go do what you need to do then call me. I’m here if you need me.”
“Thank you.” I grab my purse and leave. I call Savannah first and wait for her to answer.
“What the hell?” I cringe at her greeting.
“Sorry,” I whisper.
“You had me fucking worried, Beth. What happened? Jake called me freaking out that you ran out of his apartment and he didn’t know why.”
“He doesn’t want kids,” I cry.
“What?”
“Not now. He doesn’t want to have kids ever. I want kids eventually. How the hell do we make this work? I had to get out of there before I broke down.”
“You need to talk to him.”
“I know. I will. Lacy is watching the bakery. I left.”
“Okay. I don’t care about that right now. Beth . . .”
“I know, Sav. I know. I’ll talk to him, but I’m not sure how that will go. I don’t want to lose him, but we’re at an impasse.”
“You don’t know that until you talk to him.”
“I can’t force him to change his mind. I don’t want him to agree with me and later hate me or the kids we could have.”
“I’m not saying that, but talking about it together will help put things into perspective.”
“I’ll call him this afternoon. I didn’t sleep. I’m going to lay down in bed for a bit.”
“Okay. Call me.”
“I will.” I hang up and park my car, climbing the stairs to my apartment like a zombie.
I fall asleep clutching my pillow and sobbing.
I stir awake some time after when I feel the vibrations of my phone against my chest. I see Jake’s name and know I can’t ignore him.
“Hello?” I respond hoarsely.
“Beth. Don’t hang up. What’s going on? I’m losing my mind. Are you at the bakery? I’m coming over.”
“I’m home.”
“I’ll be right there. Don’t leave. Please talk to me,” he pleads and it breaks my heart.
“Okay,” I whisper. I wait for him to arrive cuddled on my bed. This is the moment of truth.
Ten minutes later there’s a knock at my door and I stand to answer. Jake pulls me into a hug as soon as he sees me.
“Baby,” he murmurs against my hair, then takes a step back and assesses me. His expression shatters what’s left of my broken heart. It was selfish of me to run off like that last night, but I needed to think. I didn’t consider his feelings.
“I’m sorry,” I choke on my emotions.
“Shh . . .” He guides us into my apartment and sits on the couch. “Talk to me.” I face him on the couch and try to organize my thoughts.
“Why don’t you start with why you ran out on me yesterday,” he says after a few minutes of silence.
“You don’t want kids and I freaked. I just froze and so many things crossed my mind.” I wait for him to respond.
“Okay . . .”
“I want kids, Jake. I want to have a family eventually.”
“Huh,” is his response. That’s not a good sign.
“Do you see me in your future?” I ask.
“Of course I do.” He sits up taller, assessing me. “Why would you doubt that?” The pain in his eyes is evident.
“Because kids are definitely in my future. If we don’t want the same things, then it is best we end it now before one of us gets hurt more.” I can’t believe I’m fucking saying these words out loud. “I can’t keep waiting around for someone that I’m not sure will turn the corner and meet me half way. I’m sorry but I can’t.” I feel tears running down my cheeks.
“Beth . . . I love you. I don’t want to end it.” He wipes my face lovingly.
“I love you, too, but I want a family one day. It doesn’t mean today or tomorrow, but a few years from now I want to have my own kids to play catch with and teach to bake. I want to be a mother and I kinda need a father for that.”
“But,” he rubs his face, clearly torn.
“I don’t want you to change who you are, and I’m not going to force you to have something you don’t want.”
“I want you.” His reply is simple.
“You have no idea how much I want you, but eventually we’ll be right back here again and it will be even more difficult. I fall more in love with you each day and I can’t imagine how much more it will hurt to lose you when I’ve had hundreds of days accumulating that love for you.”
“I won’t lose you.”
I cup his cheek and kiss him. “I love you so much. I don’t want to wake up one day and one of us ends up resenting the other because we didn’t get the life we always imagined,” I explain.
“What’s the point if I won’t have you by my side?”
“I know, but I won’t give up the chance to have children.” People may think I’m crazy for saying the things I’m saying, but I can’t give up something I desire even if it means losing the one person I love most in my life. Is it even worth having children with someone else? Will I ever find a perfect ending where I get both irrevocable love and a family?
“What if . . . ?”
I shake my head. I know what he’s going to say, and he can’t even finish the thought. “You’ll end up hating me for making you do something you didn’t want and you’re too good of a guy to leave a child.”
“So what?”
“So, we try to go our separate ways, and I’ll love you everyday no matter what happens. You’ll always be in my heart, Jake.” He is a permanent part of me.
“You know I won’t love anyone but you. I’ve wanted you since I first saw you, and I refuse to believe this is the end. It can’t be.” His blue eyes are destroying me. I see a tear roll down his cheek and I wipe it away, kissing its path.
“Don’t hate me.”
“I’d never hate you. I understand what you’re trying to say, but I’m selfish and don’t want to let you go. I also want you to be completely happy in life, and if I can’t give you that, then I’ll need to let you find it as much as it hurts to do so.”
I kiss him with all my love and hug him. I don’t want to let go, but I don’t see any other solution. It will hurt more later on. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. It fucking hurts a lot right now.
“I love you,” he says against my lips.
After an unknown time of silence, he stands up. Our emotions cling heavy in the air. I walk him to my door and watch him walk out of my life. This can’t be happening. I fight the urge to run after him, but I know that will only do more harm than good. I’ll move on with the good memories we’ve shared.
Move on. Yeah, right.
I finally lose my strength completely. I’ve never had to break my heart and the person’s that I love at the same time because of a difference in desires. Would knowing that the other stopped caring or cheated be easier? Yeah, that would hurt, but to know we both are still so much in love and could make it work except for this one reason hurts more.
I fall on the floor and sob into my hands until my throat is completely dry and my eyes burn. I’m not sure how I’m going to overcome this.
Numbness. I don’t feel anything. My heart is broken and my eyes are tired of crying yet I can’t get the tears to stop. I’m in denial that Jake and I are over.
I choke on my thoughts and stop the water works from coming. How long is this pain going to last? I rub my chest to see if maybe that will help ease the pain knowing it won’t. It is here to stay for a long time. The only thing that has gotten me through these past five days is yoga. I go to my class and I disconnect as much as I can from everything going on outside of those four walls. The problem is that the pain is within
me so it follows me inside the four walls. I try to just shut off my mind while I am there and focus on the poses.
Lacy has been a doll and told me to take a few days to myself. Normally, I would argue with that, but the truth is that I can barely get out of bed. I turn on the bathtub and let it fill with warm water. I stare in a trance as the bubbles spread and the aroma fills my bathroom. I undress and step into the tub mechanically. The water covers my body and I sink underneath, letting it swallow me up completely. If I bury myself in water, will it make all of this go away?
I’ve been hiding out except for the yoga classes I have gone to. My phone has been on silent and the few text messages Jake has sent pull at my heartstrings. I miss him so much, and I have had my moments of weakness. Do I really need to have children? Yes, Beth, you do. Why couldn’t we just agree on this topic just like everything else? Does something always need to go wrong? Why couldn’t we be less compatible then?
I’ve been driving myself crazy with questions that I have no answers to. It’s pointless to overwhelm myself with such things. There is no what if. Fact is that Jake and I want different things in the long run and neither of us will change. I wouldn’t want to change him.
I put on a pair of clean pajamas after my bath and lie on the couch flipping through channels mindlessly. It is only four in the afternoon, but I couldn’t care less. My appetite is gone and my will to do anything left with it. Nothing matters at this moment. I roll my eyes when I see my phone light up.
“Hello?” I answer because if not she’ll drive over from Georgia and kick my ass. I don’t have the strength to defend myself physically. I’ve got enough emotional turmoil to deal with.
“Hey,” Savannah’s voice is careful.
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