He didn’t let me look down. The force of his stare alone made me comply. Did all men have this ability or just the ones in his family?
“I… I saw things when they were fighting. Images of things. That have happened to me.” I realized I spoke in starts and stops. “I got very afraid.”
Ari nodded slowly, some of his hair slipping from the man-bun he always kept it in. “I don’t blame you for being afraid. What they just did? They really hurt each other. All four of them. Hard. It wasn’t just a brotherly row. That was years and years of pent up… pain exploding in the living room. If I was smaller than they were and less able to handle myself physically, then I’d have been afraid, too. The only thing here, is that not one of them would ever hurt you. I think you know that.”
“Do I? People hurt me all the time. Even ones who aren’t supposed to.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I suppose that’s true in your life. Makes sense.” He patted the ground next to him.
I got up and turned off the water before I made my way outside into the bedroom to sit down where he’d indicated. “I didn’t think they’d ever hurt me. Then when things went the way they went, I changed my mind.”
Ari scrunched up his face. “Did you? You said you saw things. Let me ask you, before we talk about it, have you been taking the medicine I prescribed you?”
“No, actually.” I’d regularly taken it on the ship. Shoved my arm in the med machine and let it dose me. “Not since we got here.”
“Look, I’m not suggesting that’s going to solve all your problems. But medicine only works if you take it.” He reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a bottle. “Pill form. If you can’t get to the med machine, swallow one. We’ve got to get the chemicals into your brain to calm it down. Then you can think about things a little more clearly.” He pointed at the door. “That was fucked up what they did, darling. You have every right to be angry and intimidated. I think the event triggered a reaction in you that isn’t unexpected. We can talk about the things you went through or not. Your choice. I don’t think you’re actually worried that Tommy, Keith, Quinn, or Clay is going to start beating you.”
He was right. I swallowed a pill. Without water it was challenging but I got it down. Ari grinned at me. “I could have gotten you a glass.”
“I need to go out there and apologize.”
He grunted before he spoke. “For what? Being human? Getting scared? No, screw that. Let me assure you of one more thing. If one of them put their hands on you in anger or as punishment, the others would beat him to death. And if they didn’t, I would. They’d sooner take out their own livers than harm you.”
“They’ve been through hell with this mother thing, and I made it all about me.”
He poked me in the arm. “You are bound and determined to make yourself the bad guy in this, aren’t you?”
“Maybe. I’ve been the bad guy for half a decade. Or maybe longer. My sister was definitely the better behaved child.”
He leaned his head back against the bed, which was behind us. “My mother used to call the four of them the motherless children. By the way, nice of my grandfather to try to see me while he was here. I mean, I was here too. He certainly kept a secret. He was with me when my parents were dying and never once reassured his dying daughter that her sister was alive.” He shrugged. “You had a screwed up childhood, there’s no doubt about that. Let me ask you; Diana’s parents and uncles, you seem to have spent a lot of time with them?”
I rubbed my eyes. I could feel a headache coming on. “That’s true.”
“What do you remember about why their marriages worked and continue to work so well?”
I’d never really thought about it. “I don’t know.”
“Melissa is the center of their universe. I didn’t know her before a few years ago, but it seems like they all know for certain who is in charge. Any one of those men could be the center, the alpha. They’d kill each other if not for her. She says yes; she says no. You are so nice, gorgeous. Sweet beyond anyone I’ve met in a very long time. Your husbands love your goodness, your kindness, the way you see them for who they are beneath their bravado. What do you think would have happened if you had hollered at them to stop?”
My initial instinct was to tell him I thought I might take an elbow in the face. My head, however, was clearing—whether that was from Ari talking to me or because of the pill he’d given me, I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was both. “I think they would have stopped.”
“I think so, too. I think the more you assert yourself, the more you show them that you love them by not letting them kill each other. By making yourself the sun they revolve around, the happier you will all be. That is what I have learned from watching Melissa and studying this kind of marriage in school. Not that I would know from firsthand experience. My parents were one-to-one, and they still hated each other. I’m probably never getting married because, much as I love women, I haven’t felt whatever that thing is you’re supposed to feel when she’s really special and you want more than one night with her. Maybe I’m broken. Or maybe I’m saner than any of you.” He winked at me. “Keith, Quinn, and Clay aren’t the kids Tommy had to raise while he raised himself and then come back for when he’d finally gotten some semblance of independence. They’re not going to do what he wants because he tells them to.” He cracked his neck. “Hey, did you see that movie the other night? The one they added? The romantic comedy?”
His abrupt change in subject jarred me. “Ah yes, I did.”
“Did you like it? I really thought it was good. That’s not my usual choice of movie, but the characters were good.”
“I agree.”
Before I could blink, we were talking about movies. Two hours later, I was still ignoring my tablet. It had buzzed periodically. Even though they knew I was in the room with Ari, my husbands didn’t seem to want to leave me alone. I got to my feet on wobbly legs and looked at the clock. I’d locked myself in the room sometime after lunch, and it was well past dinner now.
My stomach rumbled. I was hungry, which was a nice change. Usually stress put me off eating altogether, except, of course, the other morning on the table with Clay and Quinn.
Ari opened the door, and I stepped out. My husbands had been out here for hours and not one of them had cleaned up the mess they’d made either of the suite or themselves. Every one of them must have gotten in the fray because black eyes, split lips, and bloodied hands were just the beginning of the inventory I made of their injuries.
The furniture was destroyed.
“P.” Quinn walked to me first, his left eye half-swollen. “You okay, love?”
“Yes. Better than you.” I thought about touching his eye and then thought better of it.
“What the fuck, Paloma?” I turned to Tommy. He looked the worst of them all, which was not surprising since they’d been beating on him.
Next to me, Ari sighed. “Thomas.”
“No, seriously.” He walked over to me. I wasn’t even sure how he was upright, and his left hand covered his ribs, which told me he was sore there, if not worse. “If after all this time you don’t know yet that I would never fucking hurt you, then I don’t even know what to say.”
So we weren’t done being angry. I didn’t turn around and walk back into the bedroom. I held my ground. “Violence is a trigger for me. If you’re not sure about why that would be, I’d be happy to remind you.”
He slapped at his chest. “Oh, this is all my fault? Is that it?”
“Shit.” Clay got up from the coach. His mouth was swollen. “Really?”
Tommy clutched his side. “I’m sick to death of being blamed for all of the crap that goes on around here.” I wasn’t sure who had done that, but fine. “You want to make me the bad guy? Make me the bad guy. I never said I wasn’t. But I am done. I am done with taking care of all of you.” He wasn’t just yelling at me now. “Get on with your lives. I’m out of here.”
Wait. He was what? “Tommy—”
“No,” Keith yelled as Tommy turned toward the door of the suite. “Let him go. Who needs him anyway? He wants to get on with things without us? He can go ahead and do so. Maybe we’ll discuss it with our mother when we go see her on Earth.”
The door slammed behind Tommy as I stood there suddenly unable to leave. He had left us? He was done?
“And that would be Tommy when he is feeling guilty. Hate to say it, hotness, but as far as my sex goes, we don’t do guilt very well. Of course, I’m generalizing. Maybe what I should say is that men in my family don’t do guilt very well.” He turned to Quinn. “How many times did he erupt when he first came back for you?”
Quinn shrugged. “A lot, but it was different than this.”
I closed my eyes. I didn’t have any more left in me. Not then. Maybe not for days and days. My husband had just left me. He was done.
“Tonight was awful.” I made myself speak. “I can’t have a repeat of it ever. Not ever. I’m not cleaning up this mess. So you can all fix yourselves up in some med machine and then get back to straighten this up. I’m going to bed.” Hunger could wait until tomorrow. “Alone. For the foreseeable future. For the record, I know you wouldn’t have hurt me. If he’d let me talk, I would have told Tommy the same thing. For now, I can’t control my reactions when I get scared. Fair or not, I need home to be safe. Maybe, if you can’t promise me that this will never happen again, then you should go ahead and leave, too. We can get divorced. I love you. All of you. So much. But there are some things I won’t compromise on.”
Keith moved toward me. “Paloma, this is my fault. I never should have hit him. I love you. Please, let me talk to you for a few minutes.”
“Not tonight.” I walked into the bedroom and caught Ari’s eye as I left. Whatever he was thinking, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t have a total read on him, and I wondered if anyone ever would. I would always be grateful that he’d come to my aid when he had. I shut the door. The lock was still intact, which meant Ari had disabled it and then fixed it again before he’d ever come into the bathroom to get me. I appreciated his thoughtfulness.
My bed felt cold and empty. Tommy had left me. I knew it wasn’t just me he’d abandoned. Still, as much as I was in a one-on-one relationship with all four of them, it did feel like our marriage he’d walked out on. I had three other husbands out there who would come in if I asked them.
I was too wrung dry. I had nothing left to give.
Without changing into sleeping clothes, I pressed my head into a pillow and let darkness sweep me away.
Morning came fast. I wouldn’t have a five AM start time for work every day, but for the remainder of the week, it seemed I would. She still needed to hire more staff. I dragged myself from the bed and changed my clothes. I could shower later. I was clean enough. The mirror showed me dark circles under my eyes. They were puffy and red. I put my hair up in a ponytail. It was knotted and needed a good brush out. Maybe I’d shave it off.
I’d given the guys a pretty strong ultimatum after Tommy left. They might be all gone now. I steadied myself at the sink. If that happened, if they had left because they couldn’t live up to the terms that I’d set, then there would be things to do. My shoulders sagged. I didn’t want to imagine life without them. How was I supposed to do this?
I’d never been strong, not like Melissa. Or Diana, who could solve any problem with her ginormous IQ. Okay, I had a job. I’d get to stay on the station. I would ask the Alexanders to spot me some credit until I could manage to pay them back, that way I could get a place to live. I’d work and stay here. I wasn’t lost on the other side of the universe. My head pounded so badly I could feel it in my teeth.
I splashed water on my face and headed out the door. I’d cook and forget. I’d always miss them. I…
Clay was asleep on the couch, his tablet on his chest. He breathed heavily. His face wasn’t beat up, but as he shifted slightly, a pained look crossed his face. He’d been to the med machine, and he was still here. The door to the room that had been my childhood bedroom, which the twins now shared, was slightly ajar. Inside, I could see two shapes in the two beds inside the space. Keith and Quinn were there. They hadn’t left. No one had gathered their things and taken off.
Except Tommy. Tears filled my eyes. He was done. I sucked them back in.
“Paloma.” Clay’s voice was low. He swung his legs over the couch and walked toward me on quiet feet. His hand touched his left ribs.
“Are you still hurt?”
He gave me a half-smile. “Ari left the three of us with some aches and pains, lest we forget too quickly the result of acting like asshats. A bruised rib is a good reminder.” He touched the side of my face. “I heard you last night loud and clear. It won’t happen again. Not from me. I promise.”
Tears clogged my throat when I tried to speak. “I thought you’d all be gone this morning.”
“Well, Tommy’s temper tantrum aside, we’re all committed to you. We love you. He’ll be back, by the way. At most, two days. He loves you so much. Forget it; he can stand up for himself and justify his bad behavior on his own. I’m not his advocate.” He kissed my forehead. “When was the last time you ate something?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, actually.”
He walked into the kitchen and came back with a banana. “Eat this. After you finish work, I’m going to stop for the day. How does a nap and a long soak in the tub sound? With me?” He nodded towards the slightly open door. “And probably them.”
“Like a small piece of paradise.”
Clay’s arms were gentle. “Home will be safe. At least from us. If we get mad, we’ll find a better way. That’s never happened exactly like that before.”
“Okay.” I pressed my head against his chest. “I’ve got to go to work.”
“I’d like to walk you.” He kissed the top of my head. “Can I?”
“Sure.” I stepped back but took his hand in mine. “If you think you can. I know you’re in pain.”
Clay laughed quietly. “Every step will be a reminder not to act like such a jackass.”
Work dragged. Or maybe it was just me. My headache hadn’t gotten better, and I was going to need to take something for it when I was done. If anyone noticed my dark circles, they didn’t comment. With half an hour left to go, Mrs. Heydan came to the back.
“Paloma, go ahead and take off.”
I looked up at her. I was halfway through making a Venusian salad. “Have I done something wrong?”
“No, not at all. I’m taking pity on someone else. There’s a man outside with a hood pulled up around his head that I think belongs to you. He’s been out there for two hours at least, standing by the service door. Whenever I bring the garbage out, he looks up so expectantly. I feel terrible for him. Whatever’s going on, I can’t stand to see another second of his puppy-dog blue eyes staring at me with disappointment. Go put him out of his misery.” She walked over and touched my arm. “Besides, having done it myself many times, I know when a woman has cried herself to sleep. You need rest. See you tomorrow. Second shift.”
I nodded. He was wearing a hood? Had to be Quinn. I needed to look in his closet and see exactly how many of them he had. My tablet had no messages on it, so it wasn’t like he’d been trying to reach me and I’d ignored him.
I took off my work attire and stepped out onto the promenade. Outside, it was Tommy, not Quinn, sitting on the ground waiting.
I stopped moving, and he got to his feet. He wrapped his arms around himself when he walked over to me. He was in pain, of the serious kind.
“Come to say goodbye?” I guessed I could have come up with something nicer to say. My argument was over with Clay, Keith, and Quinn. Tommy, not so much. Besides, he was done. Maybe he needed paperwork signed. I choked back my tears. No more crying in front of him.
He bit down on his swollen lip. “Paloma, I’ll never be able to say I’m sorry enough. I… I’m obviously not done. I’ll never be done. Not with you, not with m
y brothers.”
We were standing in the back of my work place. I supposed I could be forgiving and we could move on. Except he had walked out on me. I wasn’t ready to be kind. “Then why did you say it? To hurt me? I can assure you that I was already in enough pain. I’d had my daily allotment. And I know you’re in pain, too. I’m so sorry your grandfather showed up and started this. I didn’t mean to make it all about me. I’m not a total narcissist. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“I didn’t think you did.” He looked away. “I’ve been wrestling with this, really, since I was four years old. I should have told them. At first, when I was twelve and decided I wasn’t crazy, that things were really off, I didn’t tell them because the twins were eight and Clay was ten. I thought I was so much bigger than they were. Then, I’d left home. Why did they have to suffer through the same shit? Paloma, I…”
That’s when I noticed Tommy’s hands were shaking. In fact, his whole body was. I placed a hand on his arm. “Honey, you’re not all right.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m tough. I’ve always been tough. It’s how I’m made.”
I didn’t move my hand. “You’re shaking. You need a doctor. Let’s find Ari, now.” I moved him along. He wasn’t in any condition to argue with me. “I’m your wife. I get to say when you need medical attention. We can have this fight later. We can have it for years. We might very well do that. It can pause.”
“Okay.” He swayed a bit, and I put my arm around his waist.
Into my tablet I spoke, sending a message to Ari. “Coming to you with Tommy. He’s in very bad shape.”
“Come to med bay 12-A. I’m there.”
“I’m sorry, Paloma.” Tommy’s words sounded slurred.
“I know you are.” And I really did. We would have the same talk I’d had with the others, and I’d add to that how I expected him not to walk out when things got really tough. Later.
Loving Them (Wings of Artemis Book 5) Page 12