Part of me feels bad. I don’t want her suffering just because of me. Somebody deserves to be happy. “Brianna, you are a good friend, I’m sorry I used to call you whore Barbie.” I sniffle.
“What? Whore Barbie, oh, Bella.” she reaches across the seat and gives me a hug as we sit in the driveway at my Gram’s.
I can’t go in there I can’t face her.
How do I tell my Gram about Cutter? It will crush her.
Brianna takes me to her dorm for the night instead to give me time to think of how I want to handle telling my Gram.
*—*
The next week goes by in a fuzzy haze. Cutter was arrested on suspicion of stalking, stealing confidential information, falsifying information to the police. They know he didn’t attack my Gram because he was in New York with me that night.
Dr. Peters came over with the prosecuting attorney to talk about the case they are building against Cutter. Who is really named Ryan Dawson Monroe by birth by the way—yeah, that totally threw me for a loop too.
They believe he became infatuated with me when I was in the hospital. He was receiving treatment during the time I was there. Their case is all circumstantial, pending his psychiatric evaluation, but there is enough to issue a restraining order against him until the case goes to trial. The police figure the attack on my Gram was a robbery gone wrong and merely coincidental.
Cutter wasn’t even enrolled in the University. Dr. Peters thinks he followed me here after he was released from the hospital. He had all the information he needed on me from my patient file.
I can’t go to class. News of Cutter and what he was doing to me has spread all over town. I look like a fucking idiot. My professors and advisers have worked it out for me to have some time off, but I never want to go back. I twist the ring on my finger out of habit. I look down at the meaningless gift. I thought he loved me. I pull the ring from my finger and remove the chain around my neck, and sling them across the room. The jewelry hits my wall and falls behind my dresser.
I don’t want anything that will remind me of Cutter and his deceit. I put my earbuds in to try to distract my mind, but the first song to start playing is Tip of My Tongue. I can’t bear to hear it. I rip my buds from my ears, throw my iPod down on my hardwood floor, and stomp it until there is nothing left of it.
I don’t even feel comfortable in my own home. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of Cutter—Ryan, whoever in the hell he is. I find myself thinking back to the blur of days that I was in the institution.
Then out of nowhere, a memory hits me. I remember going to the art room and seeing a portrait of a little girl. Carson, his little sister. At least I know that part wasn’t a lie.
What if he really hurt her?
I remember him too, his hair was longer. It hung down around his ears and he had some weight on him. He wasn’t fat, just his face was rounder.
Gram knocks on my door. I feel bad. I know it must have been hard for her to walk up the stairs, but I can’t bring myself to face her. She must be so disappointed in me. “Bella, baby, you need to eat something. I know you are upset, but I would at least like you to take a shower and eat a bite. I made potato soup.”
I see the shadow of her leaving a tray outside of my door. Brianna has been coming over and I can’t see her either right now. I mean I am grateful she found the box, before it was too late. She means well I know, but I can’t let her in fully.
I don’t trust anyone right now.
What did Ryan hope to get from all his sick games? I can’t call him Cutter anymore, that person is dead to me.
He wasn’t real.
None of what we shared was real.
The kisses.
The promises.
The I love yous.
It was all shit.
A game.
I give up, I don’t have it in me to fight anymore, and the darkness can claim me. I won’t even try to bleed the poison out this time.
Dr. Peters is coming over later today. I decide to take a shower for his benefit—me I could care less, but he might not appreciate my B.O.
When he arrives, he informs me that he has turned my files over to the prosecution due to the fact he documented all the conversations we had where I told him I felt like someone was watching me. He has pulled a few strings to get in to have a sit down with Ryan. I don’t want to know anything about it. Honestly, I am numb to it all.
I feel so lost. I thought I had finally found a real love and myself. Only to have it all ripped away in the blink of an eye. Two steps forward and three steps back. Yep. Talk about progress.
Gram doesn’t know what to say to me, so she doesn’t say anything. I think she fears what I might do if she says the wrong thing. I know she is hurting too, but I don’t have it in me to care. She should worry because I myself have no idea what I will do or when I will do it. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. I want to hate him, to make him hurt—as sick as it might sound I miss him, and despite everything he has done, I still love him.
That, the open I fell in love with, that guy doesn’t exist though.
*—*
March
There is nothing left but silence, I’m not sure my heart beats any longer.
I have nothing left to give of myself.
Ryan stole everything I had in me.
I have nothing to left to lose.
I merely exist.
I have refused Dr. Peters last three visits. I know he has seen Ryan and wants to discuss it with me.
Gram has also informed me that Ryan has been released to his family on house arrest until we go to trial. I don’t want to bother with any of it.
I no longer care.
Maybe I should have thrown myself off the bridge when I wanted to and pulled him—Cut-Ryan with me.
My birthday is next week. I plan to go to the falls and spend it with Harlan. My heart aches for him, but not in the way it used to.
I find I miss his friendship more than anything.
Brianna finally gave up trying to see me after going through a second round of my blowing her off. I have officially been dropped from my courses and unenrolled from the University. My adviser begged me through an email to reconsider, I told him to blow it out of his ass.
I can’t go to campus and be stared at and listen to the hushed whispers. It will be more than I can take—the pity.
Please, God. Just take me now, because as deep as I hurt, I miss him. Cutter. I miss him so fucking much. The ghost of the love I have lost haunts my dreams now. I no longer dream of Harlan, but instead the stranger who was sleeping next to me all this time—Ryan Monroe. His smile, his blue eyes—I want to see him, to confront him. I want him to tell me it is all a misunderstanding. I understand what has been done can’t be undone, no matter how much I wish it were possible. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t always on my mind.
Here I am still going through the motions…as much as I want to give up on life.
I long to exist in my dreams, where he was mine.
Where what we shared was real.
Chapter 23
Happy Birthday to me. Not.
I don’t know where my Gram got the idea at that I would want to celebrate my birthday. I guess I understand why she is doing it. I feel guilty that she suffers through my screams at night. My nightmares are back, but his time around they are of Cut—Ryan. In my dreams, he is no longer the loving guy who changed my life. He is a monster who is set on destroying me.
What did he hope to gain from this all?
I get showered and dressed to go to the falls.
Need to talk to Harlan, only I am afraid he can’t hear me now.
When I go into the kitchen to grab my keys, Gram has a cherry cheese pie waiting on the counter for me. I know she means well but the only thing going through my mind is images of me and Cut—Ryan on my Gram’s porch swing on Thanksgiving. That was the last time I had any cheese pie.
How can I miss him, knowing what he was doing to me? Lurking in
the shadows making me think I was being visited by Harlan.
He haunted me.
Tormented me.
He built me up only to leave me more broken than when he found me.
What a twisted sense of romance he must have had.
I find myself waking some nights and screaming out his name. Although I know it’s wrong the moment it happens, I can’t stop it. I am so tired of crying for a love that doesn’t exist.
I am so tired of missing someone who doesn’t exist.
I thought losing Harlan was hard but losing Cutter hurts so much more. I know I will never get Harlan back, but Cutter—his face is still out there. I can’t pretend he doesn’t exist as much as I try to forget—the way he made me feel like I was really the only one he could ever care for—like the stars only shined for me…he has my heart. He stole it and in return pretended to give me his.
I pick the pie up and toss it in the trash. I probably shouldn’t have left it where my Gram would see it, but I am not in the mood to care. I know it will hurt her feelings, but at the same time, she should have known better. She should have known celebrating my birthday is the last thing I would want.
My life is anything but normal.
Normal is overrated and so is love.
Fuck love.
Fuck pain.
Fuck life.
Putting a cigarette in my mouth and lighting it even feels off, fucking Ryan has ruined everything for me. I peel out of the driveway and race towards the falls.
Parking my car in a hurry, I don’t even bother taking my keys from the ignition.
Making my way up the trail to the bridge I get a feeling that Harlan is here, and it better not be fucking Ryan screwing with me. I know they said he is on house arrest, but I don’t put anything past people these days.
I make it to my favorite spot in the center of the bridge where there is a perfect view of the falls rushing into the lake. I look up at the beautiful blue sky only to be reminded of the blue shade of Ryan’s eyes.
He’s everywhere I go.
“Harlan,” I whisper the name that has brought me so much pleasure and pain. “Please, Harlan, I need you.”
I wait for a sign, but none ever comes.
“Harlan,” I call to him once more.
“Nope guess again, Bells,” Nolan sneers coming to stand beside me.
What is he doing here?
How did he know I’d be here?
I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“About time you came out of hiding, I thought I was going to have to drag you here myself?” He laughs, and it seems off somehow.
I take a better look at him.
There are dark circles under his eyes, and he is so skinny.
He looks nothing like his brother now. He appears sickly, and gangly. His eyes look empty, black almost. Like the guy who once lived in this shell of a body is gone. Like the Nolan I have always known has disappeared. I’m not sure which version of him is better, if either. He has always been an asshole, but this guy standing before me scares me.
“I’m confused, Nolan, what are you talking about and why are you here?” I take a step away from him.
“I’m here for you, Bells. Happy birthday by the way.” He tries to kiss my cheek, but I dodge his advance. He looks hurt by my rejection—angry even. “It was all almost too easy. Fucking Ryan Monroe played right into my plans. Bella, if you would have just given yourself to me years ago, none of this would have been necessary.”
I look at him completely oblivious to what he is talking about. My eyes narrow on him as I try to work out what he is saying in my head, but none of it is making sense.
“Oh, I am sorry. Allow me dumb it all down for you, doll face.” He pulls a pistol out the waistband of his jeans, shocking me.
I take another step away from him. He is scaring the shit out of me.
Nolan takes a step forward, grabbing my mouth and squeezing it hard with his free hand. He lets go and then he smacks me right along my jawline. He doesn’t use enough force to really hurt me.
I get the impression he isn’t strong enough, given his weakened appearance.
“You see, Bella. I met you first. You probably don’t remember, but if you try real hard, inside that pretty little head of yours, it will come back to you.” He licks his lips looking at me all weird like he isn’t sure if he wants to kiss me or hurt me.
I am hoping for neither.
“You were probably in junior high at the time. I had just gotten my driver’s license. I offered you a ride home from the county pool, but you turned me down. I let the rejection go and found someone else to play with for the time being. And it is so ironic who she was. Can you guess? I’ll give you a hint. Her last name was Monroe.” He looks so pleased with himself, almost as if he is gloating.
“What in the hell are you talking about, Nolan? How do you know Ryan’s little sister?” I try to take another step away from him, but he catches me by my wrist and digs the barrel of his gun in my side.
“Ah, ah. You aren’t going anywhere, Bella Rose. We are just getting to the good stuff.” He proceeds to tell me how he wanted to have me all for himself, but Harlan got in the way when he set all of this in motion by asking me to dance. He goes on to tell me that Harlan knew about Carson Monroe—what he did to her, and even where he buried her body. I pull away from his hold enough to throw up over the rail of the bridge.
He’s sick. It has been him all this time. How did I not see it and where does Ryan fit into all of this? I know I need to keep him talking, but I am afraid of what he plans to do to me. I try to will my knees to stop trembling. I don’t want him to sense my fear. I need to play it cool. He needs to believe that I am cool, calm, and collected.
“Do you know how hard it was to see you with my brother, Bella? Watching him put his hands on what was meant to be mine. I tried to give him every chance to leave you alone, but he couldn’t let you go. No matter how many girls I dangled in front of him, it was always you he wanted.” He laughs at his own twisted thoughts.
“I was always watching the two of you—always having to bear witness to your intimate moments. Harlan liked to rub you in my face. That was a big mistake on his part. He underestimated me and the lengths I am willing to go to get what’s mine! I was there that day at the falls. I pushed him, you know?” He grabs my face again and runs the barrel of the gun over my mouth, trying to push the barrel between my lips.
I can’t stop my body’s initial reaction. Fear. Tears pool in the corners of my eyes as he confesses his evil deeds. My heartbeat is pumping so fast. I am so afraid.
“I pulled you out of the water that day. I saved you, Bella, because I thought you would finally see. I thought that with him out of the way, you would finally turn to me. I thought that just maybe you would seek comfort with me. But instead, you go and involve yourself with Monroe, of all people. I should have let you drown.” He waves the gun in the air.
Nolan killed Harlan, it wasn’t an accident. The realization hits me square in the gut. I would throw up again, if I had anything left in me. I am afraid he is going to shoot me at any minute, or even worse, he is going to drag me to the woods and rape me.
My tears are falling freely. I can’t hold them back any longer. I am never going to see my Gram or Ryan again. I picture Ryan in my head, and I wish I could go to him now and tell him I’m sorry. My judgment was so clouded and now he will never know about his sister. There are so many things I want to say to him. He needs to know how sorry I am for not believing in him. For not believing in us.
“I thought maybe if you thought you were seeing Harlan and hearing him, you would come talk to me about it. But you didn’t, so I had to take matters into my own hands. I needed to get rid of fucking Monroe—he was always in the way. It was clever of him to change his name. I wouldn’t have known it was even him if I hadn’t started checking him out.”
All I can do is listen to his rant—his confession. I can’t find my voice.
Even if I did dare to scream, who would hear me out here?
“It was even easier to blame it all on him. I just had to wait for the right moment, and everything fell into place so perfectly. Placing a few items in a box and waiting for it to be discovered, that was all it took. You believed it all so easily. You claimed to love him, and to want to marry him, but you gave up on him so quickly. You see, Bella, you aren’t loyal. And well…loyalty is an important quality in a life partner. You weren’t loyal to Harlan either, I saw you in bed with Ryan, the things you let him do to you. I would have cut you. All you had to do was ask. We could have shared something beautiful, Bells—you and me. I thought we were meant for each other but now, I don’t know.”
I look to my left and see Dr. Peters watching us from the other end of the bridge. I quickly turn my attention back to Nolan. I don’t want him to see Alex.
I am disgusted, he was there, in my apartment, every single time I thought I was seeing a glimpse of Harlan, it was all Nolan, playing his games. He’s sick.
Who does that?
“So, you have me here now, what do you want from me, Nolan?” I ask, not really wanting the answer. I only need to buy some time.
“What do I want? Haven’t you been paying attention, Bella? I wanted you. But you have ruined it, by fucking my brother and Monroe. You aren’t pure anymore Bells. And now you know too much. So it is time for you to go. Everyone will think the pressure of your life got to you and you finally cracked. You see this gun; I stole it from your sweet ol’ Gram. I’m glad to see she is up and about. Really, I am. I never meant to hurt her, but she got in the way.” he points his gun in my back. “Climb up on the ledge, Bells.”
Think Bella, he is going to fucking kill you!
“Nolan, you used to want me, you could have me now. I know everything you did was all because you love me.” I place my hand over his heart hoping like hell I am convincing. “We could be together like you wanted just you and me. No one will have to ever know any of it.”
I just need to bide enough time for Alex to make his move. Normally, I wouldn’t have thought Dr. Peters could take on Nolan, but now he looks like a scared little boy. I have faith and for the first time in a long time—I pray to God to get me through this. Harlan and Carson’s deaths can’t all be for nothing. Nolan and his sick ways have to end today.
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