by Tina Michele
Haven started to jump out of her boat and give Willa a piece of her mind, but her thought was lost when she saw everyone gathered around Spartan. Her stomach sunk; something bad did happen. He was lying on the ground, his face contorted in pain. Wendy was on the phone with Shannon relaying the situation, while Diego was on another line calling for an ambulance. When Haven moved in closer, she saw what they were frantically describing. Though covered by his wet suit, Haven could see that his leg was awkwardly angled in comparison to his other. The sight made Haven feel sick, and her head swirled. Before she made a scene in front of everyone, she ran off into the nearest bush to vomit. She’d never seen something like that, and she didn’t think she would ever be able to forget it.
Chapter Twelve
Willa contemplated following Haven into the bushes, but it probably wasn’t a good idea for several reasons. Willa was exhausted, and for the first time in hours, her heart was finally beginning to slow down. She just wanted to make sure that Haven was okay, and then she needed to sit down. After a few minutes, Haven stumbled out of the brush and made every effort not to look back over where Spartan and the rest of the group crowded around.
“Hey,” Willa said.
Haven’s eyes were glassy and filled with tears. She didn’t respond when she looked at Willa, almost as if she didn’t recognize her. She just jerked her head and hiked up the ramp toward the truck.
“Hav—” Willa was interrupted by Wendy and Diego advising her that it wasn’t such a good idea.
“I’d let her go, Willa,” Wendy said, coming over to check her for any injuries. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine, I guess. Tired, but still in one piece, it seems.” Willa regretted it as soon as she’d said it. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Diego chuckled anyway. “Nice.”
“That’s not…I didn’t…I feel bad, man. If only I’d…I don’t know.”
“Done what? You didn’t do anything. He’s the one who didn’t leave space between you two. That section tosses everyone,” Diego said.
“Sure, but if I’d seen him there. Or if I’d just waited and let him go ahead.” She wasn’t being honest. She had challenged him, and she would’ve done it the exact same way even if she had seen him first.
“You can’t blame yourself for—” Wendy was cut off by the blaring of the ambulance siren as it pulled into the parking lot. “Sorry, we gotta go.”
After they loaded Spartan into the transport, everyone else piled into the bus to head back to the ranch. The silence was deafening and lasted even through dinner. Mama Lu had gone into town as soon as she heard about the accident, and the volunteers were tasked with preparing dinner. Willa assumed that Haven had more than a little to do with the idea of individual pizzas. It always was her favorite way of making dinner without actually making anything. It should have been a fun evening with laughs and mini food fights, yet instead the dough and toppings were set out on the table and everyone quietly created their meals.
When the headlights from Mama Lu’s truck shone through the windows, everyone jumped up from the table and flooded outside onto the porch. They watched as the driver’s door opened and Mama Lu made her way to the house. Spartan was nowhere in sight. Willa’s stomach twisted at the sadness in her face when Mama Lu met them at the steps. “Spartan will be staying at the hospital tonight with a proximal tibia fracture. Once we know when he is being released, we’ll arrange for him to return home.” Gasps and sighs moved through the group as she herded everyone back into the house. A few minutes later, Wingman reminded them of campfire and sent everyone scattering to get ready.
Willa made her way out to the fire and chose her seat for the evening. It was a cool night, yet she couldn’t feel much of anything other than the guilt she had for what she’d said to Spartan before the accident. Even if he had deserved it in the moment, she wished she could take it back or maybe not have been quite as mean about it. It was the way it always turned out, saying things you regret and never getting the chance to apologize for them. This hadn’t been the first time, for sure. She stared into the fire and replayed her words when a soft black bundle hit her in the face.
“You’re gonna need this.” Corey tossed the hoodie at Willa and sat next to her. “And this.” She flapped the wool blanket over their laps.
“You always know, don’t you?”
“I do. And I know that today wasn’t your fault. So stop trying to find a way to blame yourself.”
“I hate you.” Willa bumped her shoulder into Corey’s.
Wingman started the meeting with an update on Spartan, explaining that he received a cast for his injury, but thankfully would not require surgery. “I know we had a pretty intense day on the water, and Spartan’s accident was the worst way we could’ve ended it, so I want to take a few minutes to discuss it.”
After several moments of silence, MC spoke up. “Well, I just want to say thank you to my crew for their excellent swift water rescue skills. We train for these situations, hoping that we never have to use them. And to the volunteers, you saw the need and reacted immediately to cover the gaps. I’m grateful for such a great team, and I’m very proud of your work today.”
“I wish I could’ve seen it,” Wingman said proudly.
Willa spoke next. “I’m sure it’s no secret that Spartan is not my favorite person here. He’s arrogant and chauvinistic, to name a few of his obvious qualities. I’m not here to talk shit behind his back, because I’ve already said it to his face. I think that’s why I’m taking some of the blame for what happened today.”
“No!”
“What? That’s crazy.”
“Willa, you know you had nothing to do with what happened to him,” MC said. “There were a few errors made on that run, but none of them by you. You didn’t smash his knee into that gnarly rock, did you?”
“No, but I encouraged his competitive streak with my own. I wanted to be better than him. I wanted to…I wanted to be as good as he was. Hell, I wanted to be able to do it with a broken hand.”
Willa looked up from the ground, meeting Haven’s eyes without searching for them. “I wanted to do it with one eye.” Haven’s expression was confused. Corey reached out and squeezed Willa’s knee and she continued. “I’m going blind in my right eye, a side effect of the radiation. It’s important to me that I don’t have to rely on anyone, and my pride helps me make very stupid decisions about that. And it seems they’re all coming back to bite me in the ass this week. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I’d already known what it was like on the other side. To love someone that you would do anything for, but lose anyway.”
Haven’s heart squeezed in her chest. Her eyes welled as she listened to Willa speak.
“I couldn’t force her to do that. I couldn’t trap her in a life that had no future. At least, no future that I could see in that moment. And to—” Willa’s voice cracked, and Haven could feel the pain in her voice. “It was my own battle to fight, and I knew that while it would hurt us both for a while, it would save you from worse pain in the end.” Willa stared into Haven’s eyes.
Haven couldn’t hold back the tears. She held her hand over her mouth at first to hide her surprise, and then to stifle the sobs. The fire illuminated Willa’s own wet cheeks as she cried. Haven wanted to run to her, to wipe away those tears of pain and guilt from her face, but she didn’t. Because in spite of her admission, Willa nearly destroyed Haven the day she walked out on her.
The pain of that moment came flooding back three-fold with the knowledge that Willa had resigned herself to death. She would rather have died alone than let Haven watch her let the disease beat her. The thought of Willa leaving her for someone else had been insufferable, yet she had survived. The idea that Willa could have died with her ever knowing would’ve killed her. It was too much to bear. Haven couldn’t sit in painful silence with a thousand eyes watching her keep closed the gaping wound that had reopened in her chest. “I’m sorry,” she said before running i
nto the darkness beyond the ring of the flickering fire.
Haven didn’t know where she was going as long as it was far away from there. She walked toward the woodpile, but instead of hunkering behind it she chose to climb onto a large, flat boulder. Stardust twinkled in her hazy vision when she held her head back and stared into the evening sky. Haven lay back on the cool rock and closed her eyes, though it did not stop the tears from flowing down her temples into her hair.
How had she gotten here? Not on this rock so much, but here in Colorado. How was she able to run from her past just to have it reappear before her? The moment she saw Willa step out of the SUV she should have left. Haven knew that nothing good could come from being so close, yet so far away. They were different people now, with new lives, dreams, and futures ahead of them. While some things seemed familiar, the truth was nothing was the same and never would be again. How could it? Even if she had finally been given the chance to say and do everything she had dreamt so many times, it was too late, wasn’t it? And would any of it even matter now? Beneath the stars, she cried for all the wishes she had ever made that never came true.
“Hey,” Willa whispered from the darkness.
Haven wasn’t startled by her voice; somehow she already knew she was there. She sat up and wiped the tears from her face and eyes even though it was too dark for Willa to see her. “Hey.”
“I had no idea where you went, but somehow I found you.”
“You did.”
“Can we talk? Up there preferably, because I’m a little scared a bear followed me out here.”
Haven chuckled. “Sure.” She moved over to make room for Willa.
“I brought these,” Willa said as she pulled out several rumpled tissues from her jacket pocket and handed them to Haven.
“Oh. Thanks.” Haven fiddled and folded them in her hands.
“So, about what I said. I didn’t mean to upset you. I hadn’t even intended on saying any of that, but it just sort of came out.”
No kidding. She lay back on the rock again. “I’ve spent three years wishing on every star in this sky for this moment. And now I’m not even sure what to do with it.” When Willa lay down next to her, Haven could feel the warmth of her body next to her in contrast to the coolness of the boulder beneath her. The heat from her closeness spread through her core, and she shifted to increase the space between them.
“Was your wish for me to spill my guts and make a complete fool of myself in front of strangers? Because, wish granted.”
Haven laughed. “Well, maybe not that. But I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t waste one or two on something almost as petty.”
“Hmm. Well, that could explain a few things.”
“Why didn’t you give me a chance, Willa? You know I would’ve done anything for you. Didn’t you trust me?” Haven couldn’t look at Willa or she would lose her nerve to ask these questions.
“I trusted you with my life, Haven. But you couldn’t have fixed it, and that would’ve hurt you more than I did. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“You didn’t give me a choice, Willa. You made the decision without me. How could you possibly know how I would’ve felt?” Haven began to cry again and sat up to wipe her eyes and nose with the tissues Willa had given her.
Willa sat up as well. “I thought I was doing the best thing for both of us. How could I care for you and keep you safe if I had?”
Haven burst into tears and turned to Willa. “I didn’t need you to take care of me. In case you missed it, I’m pretty good at taking care of myself.” Haven motioned to the darkness around them. “And I could’ve taken care of you.”
“Yes, you’ve become quite the independent adventurer. It suits you. Better than being a caretaker would have.”
“Dammit, Willa! That’s not fair.” Haven slid down off the rock away from her. “I spent these last few years doing everything I could to become someone you could love again. Yes, I found a new passion in the process, and I wouldn’t change that, but there was no way I could’ve put those shattered pieces of me back the same way. You gave me no choice but to become this person.”
Willa came down from the rock and stood before her. Haven’s heart pounded in her chest. The glittering stardust and waxing moon illuminated Willa like a dream she’d had so many times. “Haven, I’m so sorry I hurt you. I was scared and selfish, and I thought I was doing the right thing. Although now I see that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve regretted it every day of my life since.”
Haven couldn’t believe that she was hearing those words. She had prayed for the day when Willa would appear before her and say these very things. She felt light-headed, and her knees buckled. Willa’s strong arms wrapped around her and held Haven tight against her. “Willa,” Haven said as she melted into the embrace.
Willa dipped her head, their lips a whisper apart. “Forgive me, Haven. Please?” she asked, looking into Haven’s eyes.
Her eyes were dark and soulful, and Haven felt the heat of Willa’s breath against her lips. Haven wanted to fall into them the way she had done so many times before. She wanted to stay forever in her arms like she once had. But she couldn’t. Haven pressed her palms to Willa’s shoulders and gently pushed her away. Against her body’s pleading, Haven stepped back out of Willa’s arms. “I need some time, but I know that I’ll forgive you. I just can’t do it this way. I’m not in a position to be caught up in another woman’s arms, especially yours. I…I have a girlfriend.”
* * *
Willa felt like she’d been struck in the chest. She did have a partner. Of course she did. Why wouldn’t she? “Oh. I see.”
“And I don’t think this is a good idea. We never were very good at stopping at kissing.”
Willa remembered. Even the first time they had ever kissed had gotten pretty hot. “Do you remember the first time we kissed?” Willa climbed back onto the rock.
“I do. I was sitting on the trunk of my tan Buick and you were leaning against my leg fidgeting with something. A stick?”
“Yeah.” Haven climbed up and reclaimed her place next to Willa. Willa noticed it was a little closer this time, and she made no attempt to scoot away again.
“We spent the whole weekend camping, snuggled in the same bag in the same tent. That’s when you told me you loved me.”
“And you didn’t respond, if I recall correctly.”
Haven laughed. “I didn’t. I knew I loved you, but I was so scared to say it aloud. And then there we were in the woods behind your house, alone and anxious.”
“The moon was nearly as bright then as it is now.” Willa was surprised by how similar the two nights were.
“I remember. I could see how nervous you were, and I could only imagine that your heart was racing like mine. I’m not even sure what came over me, but I knew I had to kiss you.”
Willa’s stomach fluttered at the memory just as it had then. “And that’s the last time I had any control over my heart.”
“It was so long ago. So much has changed.”
Willa knew that was the truth; so much had changed. They weren’t innocent kids anymore with their future laid out before them. Somewhere along the way they’d become adults and made their own lives outside of anything they had ever planned together. Sitting on a boulder beneath the infinite sky, Willa knew that they were as distant as they could ever be. “Are you happy here?”
There were several moments of silence before Haven answered. “Mostly.” It wasn’t the answer Willa had expected. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Colorado. My friends are here, Valiant is here, and I guess my work is here.”
“You guess? What are you doing?”
“I paint. Professionally, you could say.”
“What? Haven, that’s amazing! You were always such a talented artist.”
“Thanks. It’s how I met Bianca. She’s also my agent.”
And just like that, Willa’s excitement died. “Oh, so she inspired you to paint again?”
“Not
so much. She just sort of pushed me back into it and encouraged me to make a career of it.”
Willa didn’t hear a hint of emotion in her voice. “But you don’t want to paint?”
“No. I do. But you know that being a professional artist never interested me. I always feared what would happen if I was forced to paint. Seems I was right. I just lose all interest in doing it as soon as someone tells me I have to. There’s no freedom in a deadline.”
“I see. So why keep doing it?”
Haven sighed. “I don’t know. Bianca has put so much into promoting my work, and she believes I have a future. I just…the fire isn’t there. Ya know?” Haven pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them.
“Why don’t you become a professional kayaker? Everyone can see the fire in you when you’re on the water.”
“Ha! I’ve thought about it. Wanna hear a secret?”
It had been so long since Haven had confided in her, and she was desperate for it. “I would.”
“I’ve been thinking about starting my own camp.”
Again, it was not the response what Willa had expected. “Wow. That’s great.”
“Yeah. It’s just an idea. Just dreaming it all up for now, so it keeps getting bigger. And there’s no way I could afford to start it here with everything I’d want to do.”
“So you’d move back to Florida?” Willa asked.
“No. I can’t go back there.”
Willa had no doubt why Haven had left and why she wouldn’t return. She had experienced a constant barrage of memories after they had separated. Growing up together in a small town left very few options to avoid each other except to move. Willa had done it herself when she bought the farm with her brother. Although she chose a few counties compared to the several states that Haven put between them. “I’m sorry, Haven.”