by Lisa Cardiff
He leaned back resting against the headboard. Honestly, every word she said about him was truthful. For the last few years, he had cheated on, lied to, and used the women who walked in and out of his life like a revolving door, and now, when Taylor had so bluntly thrown it back in his face, it hurt, but self-reflection usually did. He hated looking in the mirror only to the see the ugliness of his choices reflected back at him.
He cheated on Bre when he promised to protect her. He treated the groupies as though they were disposable, hardly bothering to learn their names and over the last month, his reckless behavior hurt the band. Yet, for some reason, he got it in his head that things could be different with Taylor, that she could be his redemption, that she was the beginning of a new chapter in his life. He wasn’t looking for that until he found her, but now he wanted it, and he wanted it with her.
He laughed bitterly. It was telling that when he finally wanted to try something with someone, the person he chose didn’t think he was worthy. He couldn’t even blame her. The evidence of his cringe inducing lack of worth was posted all over the Internet in animated detail for anyone to see.
Groaning, he stuffed a pillow over the top of his face, willing his mind to stop turning over every sad detail and fall asleep. Chasing Ruin had a show tomorrow and the guys wouldn’t appreciate him showing up hung over with circles under his eyes. Even if Taylor didn’t believe he could change, he would because he needed the band. Music was his life. In truth, it was the only thing still working in his life. Without it, he’d be a shattered fragment of himself.
Just then, the door to Taylor’s room opened hesitantly. He leaned up on his elbows, but the room was dark and he couldn’t see much in the shadows.
“Cam, did I wake you?” Taylor asked, her voice soft, a little shaky and a lot vulnerable.
“No,” he answered rubbing his eyes trying to bring her into focus. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Neither could I,” she answered without elaborating.
He could hear her breathing slow and even in the stubborn silence of his room. She took a couple steps toward him and then stopped a few feet from his side of the bed, wringing her hands nervously. He was drowning in the uncomfortable silence of the room.
“Why are you here?” he asked, his voice a little harsher than he had intended, but he didn’t want to deal with her now.
“I don’t know,” she responded looking down at the floor, her hair falling in front of her face and he didn’t like that he couldn’t see what she was thinking.
He tossed his legs to the side of the bed and a small empty bottle of vodka rolled onto the floor next to her bare feet.
“You’ve been drinking,” she commented without emotion.
“So what?” He took a sip of the water from the bottle sitting on the edge of his nightstand. “Add it to my list of sins. You’ve made it clear I have plenty of them. What’s one more, right? I can’t get any worse in your mind.”
Her body went rigid and he exhaled loudly. He ran his hands through his messy hair. How did the night end up like this? “Can you just leave? Please. I don’t know why you’re here, but I can’t do this right now.” She flinched and he felt guilty. His past wasn’t her fault. He fucked everything up on his own and apparently fate had a sick sense of humor, throwing it in his face at every opportunity for the last year.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice cracking on the last word.
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not.” She sat next to him on the bed and part of him wanted to get up and leave and part of him wanted to take her in his arms, inhale her dizzying scent, and never let go. He didn’t do anything except stare straight ahead.
“Cam,” she said, placing her hand on his leg. “What I said…wasn’t fair or accurate and it definitely doesn’t reflect what I think about you.”
Turning to look at her, he furrowed his brow in confusion. “Then why’d you say it?”
She dropped her head into her hands. “I panicked.”
He shook his head, not understanding what she meant. “Why?”
“I just…” She dropped her hands, reaching for him and he leaned away. “I don’t want to get hurt, and after being with you, it felt too real and I wanted to reestablish our boundaries. I don’t know…put a little space between us.”
“I know I don’t have the best track record, but why did you immediately assume I’d hurt you?”
She sighed, her breath shaky. “I don’t know how much you’ve heard about my childhood.” She bit her lower lip and he pulled it from her mouth. “Did Alec share anything with you?”
“Not much, just that it wasn’t a happy one.”
She nodded as she played with the hem of her oversized Pearl Jam t-shirt. “My dad died when I was really young. I hardly remember him, and once he was gone, our life fell apart. My mom…well, she fell apart. Alec said she wasn’t always such a wreck, but I can’t remember much of her before my dad died, so I can’t say that she was any better before then.”
“How old were you when he died?”
“Five.” He grabbed her hand, wanting to touch her because he could see how hard this was for her. Turning her head, she gave him a weak smile. “My memories of her after my dad died are all bad, not a single good one.” She released a bitter laugh. “No, that’s not true. I loved the day Alec drove me to college and I never had to see her again.”
Pulling her close, Cam ran his hands through her hair, not entirely sure what to say. He wanted to know what made life with her mom so bad, but he didn’t want to push her. For now, he’d just hold her, and hopefully she’d eventually trust him enough to share the rest.
“My mom wasn’t actively mean all the time, mostly she was neglectful and forgetful, but sometimes more and that more was unpleasant, to put it mildly.”
Imaging the worst, his hand froze in her hair at her words, and she tensed so he started the soft brushing strokes again. “But you had Alec,” he said, reassuring himself more than her because what did he actually know. Alec was always vague about the details of his life and Cam stopped prying years ago. If Alec didn’t want to share, you couldn’t make him. He could be a stubborn ass when he wanted to be.
“Yeah, I did, but Alec is five years older than me and he left to chase his dream, and without him around to prop her up, my mom slipped into an even darker place. Alec always pushed her to maintain some sort of employment and make the occasional meal. Once he left, she stopped trying. Her drinking had always started after work, but once she didn’t work anymore, it started in the morning. She kept bottles of vodka in her nightstand. Sometimes, she didn’t even bother to get out bed and other times she’d be gone for days. I was happier when she was gone.” She shuddered and he held her tighter, wanting to protect her. Then he kissed the top of her head.
“The stars on my wrist,” she said as she wrapped her arms around his waist.
“Yeah,” he prompted, already sensing that he wouldn’t like her next sentence.
“I got the first one to cover up a cigarette burn from one of her boyfriends. He didn’t like my attitude and he used my arm as an ashtray. My mom actually laughed. Can you imagine?” Her voice broke on the last word.
“I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what to say.”
She looked up at him, but her eyes were distant, focused on some place or time far away from him. She exhaled loudly as she brushed her hair behind her ear. “There’s nothing to say. I hate talking about it, because in my twisted mind, talking about it gives those memories more power.” She closed her eyes momentarily. “I don’t want my past to have more power over me than it already does. Does that even make sense?”
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” he said to reassure her and comfort her even though he wanted to rip her mother apart for failing to protect Taylor. Even more disconcerting, Cam suspected the story about the cigarette was one of the milder stories Taylor could have shared with him, and that made
him physically ill. He couldn’t stand the thought of anyone hurting Taylor, not even him. She was perfect. Couldn’t her mom see that?
“So anyway, as you can imagine, I’m not very trusting or open and tonight…being with you scared me a little.” She shook her head and lowered her voice so it was barely audible. “It was a little overwhelming and when I get overwhelmed I run. I know it’s stupid, but it’s like mind and body separate and I can’t stop myself from going into a primal self-protective mode. My thoughts run away from me and I make dumb decisions.”
“It’s okay. I get it. You don’t need to explain.” Being with her scared him too because he never wanted someone so much and so fast that he didn’t care about anything else. Bre had gradually worked her way into his life, first as a playmate, then as a friend and finally as his girlfriend, but his feelings for her slowly grew and expanded over a decade. His feelings for Taylor were different, like a tidal wave crashing over him and he never stood a chance once he let her in.
“Yes, I do.” Cautiously, she brushed her lips across his. “The thing is…I don’t think I’m cut out for a fun, no strings attached thing with you. I thought I could do it, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I know you can’t give me more and I’m not mad. I’m the one who changed the rules, but after tonight, it just won’t work for me.” She cupped his face, her beautiful dark blue eyes studying his. “No hard feelings, okay? We’ll just forget this happened and be friends.”
His heart jumped to his throat as she moved to stand up. Cam tugged her back down on the bed next to him, refusing to let her go. “We don’t have to do the no strings attached thing. I don’t want that either. You saw how I reacted when that guy hit on you tonight.”
She chuckled softly. “I’m not trying to make you change your mind or make you feel guilty.”
He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, inhaling her scent. She smelled just right. He couldn’t explain what that meant, but it was true. Everything about her was just right for him. “Guilt has nothing to do with me wanting to be with you. If you need more, I’ll give you more.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, her voice uncertain and insecure.
Wrapping his arms around her, he lowered them onto the bed. He wanted to feel her pressed against him in the bed. “More certain than I’ve been about anything in a long time.”
His hand moved slowly along her side, to her stomach and back again, caressing her soft skin. He loved having her next to him and in his bed so much so that he dreaded getting back on that bus and pretending like they were just friends or worse, uninvolved business associates. He didn’t want to pretend when everything with Taylor felt so real, so ripe with emotion that he wanted to claim her on every level and he would; when the tour ended.
When he started to drift to sleep, he felt her body shaking lightly next to him and he gently pushed her onto her back, afraid she was crying. Instead of seeing tears, Taylor was laughing silently.
“What’s so funny?” he said, confused.
“You were jealous.”
He rolled on top of her, taking in her amused smile. Her smile literally stole the breath from his chest and he was coming to the realization that he’d do just about anything to keep it there. “Insanely jealous.”
“And you were ready to punch him in the face for flirting with me?” she asked her smiling widening.
“Yes, I don’t—”
Her mouth collided with his, cutting off his words and the increasingly familiar buzz raced through his body. She slid his boxers down his legs and her hand moved smoothly up and down his hard length. She wasn’t tender, but her masterful balance between pain, pleasure and urgency drove him to the brink. Within seconds, his body screamed for release as she bit, kissed and nibbled on his lips with so much desire he could only see her. Everything was about Taylor. He couldn’t believe he ever called her humorless or uptight. She was fire, ice and everything in between.
Tearing her panties down her legs, she immediately wrapped her legs around his body. He glided his hard length along her slick entrance feeling the heat, the wetness and her.
“Ugh,” he groaned into her mouth, sliding into her just an inch. Incredible. Amazing. Perfect.
“Mm,” she moaned, arching her hips and then she froze. “Stop. Condom,” she gasped pushing against his chest.
“Fuck,” he pulled out, his mind snapping out of the lust-induced fog. “I’m sorry.” That never happened, not to him, not with anyone. His dad hammered him with hundreds of put a sock on it horror stories from the time he reached thirteen years old and he had never forgotten, not even with Bre. Reaching for the nightstand, he grabbed one from the box he stuck in there before dinner.
She pulled it from his hand, tore it open and rolled it on him. He couldn’t pull his eyes away from the delicate features of her face framed by her long dark hair sprawling across the pillow behind her head. She was absolutely stunning. How did he miss it the first time he met her?
The minute she finished rolling on the condom, he didn’t wait. He slid inside her, rocking his hips back and forth, teasing her, wildly desperate for her and that shared connection he felt every time he touched her and every time they shared the same air.
Cam lifted his head, staring into her midnight blue eyes, so dark and full of lust that the blue merged into her black dilated pupils. At first his strokes were slow and deep so he could watch every emotion as it passed through her beautiful eyes. Then, as the heat intensified racing down his spine, he couldn’t go slowly any longer.
Taylor’s hips tipped upward, meeting his as he slammed his body into hers until they filled the room with a symphony of moans, grunts, and absolute perfection. It was strange. Being with Taylor felt like his benediction or redemption. He wasn’t sure which, but every thrust of his hips mended the shattered pieces of his life. He prayed she felt the same because being in this alone would be devastating.
Her lips parted and he knew she was there, ready to explode and he was right there with her. His movements became rough and uneven and she cried out so loud he was afraid she’d wake up the other guests in the hotel. Then he followed her over the edge, his fingers digging into her hips as his release surged through his body.
Without delay, his body went limp and he collapsed on top of her, basking in her scent and the feel of her velvety skin brushing against his. After several minutes, he rolled off of her and gathered her into her arms, his chest pressed against her long, beautiful back.
“Now, sleep. No more laughing. I have a show tomorrow and you have a job to do.”
“Cam,” she whispered.
“Hmm?” he said feathering his lips along her back tasting the salt of her skin.
“Thanks,” she mumbled so softly he could hardly hear her.
“For what?”
“Being you.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Get out of here,” Taylor said pushing against Cam’s chest. “You need to be on the stage in ten minutes or someone will come looking for you.”
“Just one more kiss,” he murmured, running his nose down the side of her neck, making her knees weak and all of her convictions wither.
“Okay, as long as you keep your hands firmly planted in the safe zone.”
“No,” he complained. “We’re back on the bus again tonight. I need to touch you as much as I can before then because I can’t get within five feet of you on that bus or everyone will know what we’ve spent the last three days doing.” His hands roamed down her sides exploring every inch of her as if he was intent on committing every detail to memory in case he couldn’t touch her again. “It’s going to be torture.”
“We’ll work it out,” she said as his hand slid up her thighs. She pressed her hips into his, wanting more than she could have in the next few minutes, but that wouldn’t stop her from feeding even a small part of her growing addiction to Cam.
“We need to be careful.”
“Maybe I don’t care about that anymore.” When her mind c
leared she would, but not at this moment. She liked the slide of his hands and the feel of his skin way too much to care about anything else.
“I do,” he said, his hand playing with the lace along the edge of her panties. “They’ll send you home and I won’t see you for two weeks. That’s way too long.”
Her heart lurched in her chest. That sentence marked the first time Cam mentioned anything about their relationship after the tour ended. “Do you think you’ll still be interested in this—whatever it is— when the tour ends?”
His eyes glinting playfully, he wrapped her legs around his waist carrying her to the banquet table. “Are you trying to tell me something?” He pushed her loose fitting dress up her legs so her panties were completely exposed and her dress twisted around her waist.
“No, just curious about your plans when this whole thing ends and you aren’t tied to me anymore,” she said, avoiding his eyes as she dipped her fingers under the hem of his faded black t-shirt, tracing the skin just below the waistband of his pants.
“Uh huh,” he grumbled against her neck as he stepped between her legs, rubbing his erection against her achy center. “I don’t think I can go on stage in this state. Maybe if we’re real quick about it, we could be done before anyone notices I’m missing. You’re not opposed to the banquet table, are you?” His hand slipped inside her panties again. “Fuck. You’re already wet.”
Taylor craned her neck over his shoulder looking at the back of the closed door. The rest of the band and Bre were wandering around backstage doing their own preshow ritual, but it only took one of them or a roadie to veer from their routine and find them and expose their secret.
“I locked the door,” he said clearly interpreting the direction of her thoughts. “Do you think you could be quiet?” His mouth pressed against hers, nibbling on her lower lip seeking entrance. “As much as I love all those sound you make, these walls are really thin. I don’t want anyone to hear you.”