Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “Where is he?” he queries.

  “I don’t know, he crashed where she did, but when she woke up, he wasn’t there. She’s really worried about him,” I whisper.

  “Humans like gifts that mean you know what they like and they want support,” he murmurs, as if to himself. “We are similar. We offer our gifts and strengths to potential mates,” he offers.

  This is the most I’ve heard him speak, and I feel more of a kinship with him than I did before, like with an older brother or a friend. We might be from other ends of the universe, but pain is universal and I see it in the way he holds himself. Human, alien, animal, it doesn’t matter—heartbreak and grief exists everywhere.

  “Who did you lose?” I blurt out and freeze, expecting him to get up and leave. I would have. “I’m sorry, that was rude I shouldn’t have—”

  “Everyone,” he growls and looks at me. “You as well, I see it in your eyes.”

  I nod. “My parents,” I whisper.

  “The soft human, she loves you, I see her worry for you,” he says and I smile.

  “That’s what family does—Effie more than anyone else. She has the biggest heart.”

  “Her heart is too large?” he roars, getting to his feet and making me laugh.

  “No, no it’s an expression for someone who is very caring,” I clarify, and he settles back down with a grumble.

  He looks at the ground and I wait, letting him decide if he wants to share what is worrying him. “I’m not good at this, talking, she needs someone better,” he mutters.

  “I don’t know, you seem pretty good at it to me, plus Effie talks enough for everyone and she won’t let you not.” I shrug, speaking from experience.

  “You think she would accept me?” he asks slowly, fear in his voice and eyes.

  I lean forward, meeting him head on. “I think you should let her decide. I don’t see an alien, I see a man with a scarred past, and I’m betting she does as well. If we don’t take any risks, if we keep our heart locked away forever just to keep them safe, then we never really live…I learned that the hard way. Don’t let your pain and your past guide your actions, learn from it, embrace it, and ultimately…keeping moving. The past is that for a reason, the future offers you a new start, take it.” I shrug and lean back.

  “You are very smart. I understand why they appointed you as leader.” He tilts his head and I grin.

  “Nah, I’m just outspoken.” I laugh.

  “Inds?” comes from above, and I tilt my head back to see Barrott looking down at me. I lean back onto his legs and he drops his hands into my hair, smiling at me so gently it makes my heart feel like it’s about to burst. That smile, the one he saves for me, the one that tells me everything he feels but can’t.

  “Hey, big guy.” I smile up at him, loving his hands in my hair.

  “Want to grab some dinner? Rilon has given me this.” He holds up what looks like a metal box with a handle and I raise my eyebrows. His face goes blank, the mask he dons when he is nervous. “I thought we could go for a picnic?” he growls out quickly.

  My smile is slow and filled with love as I watch him fidget, waiting for my answer. “I would love to,” I answer softly

  He grunts before looking at Wrenil. I glance back at the alien as he watches our interactions like he is taking notes.

  “Don’t block your pain, let it out, and you never know who might be there to catch you,” I suggest, and Barrott’s hands tighten in my hair as he sucks in a tiny breath. I get to my feet and offer my hand to Wrenil. He watches it before ever so slowly and softly, he places his in mine. I grin and pull him to his feet.

  “Be honest with her,” I advise him.

  He tilts his head and I think he is done talking, so I turn to Barrott, but his words stop me. “Thank you, Indy Stewart, sister of my soft human.”

  I throw him a wide smile over my shoulder. “Good luck, Wrenil.”

  I turn back to Barrott and he weaves our hands together, and we watch as the alien stalks off with new determination in his steps. “What are you up to?” he groans.

  I grin, laying my head on his shoulder. “Trouble, what else?”

  He grunts but lays a gentle kiss on my head. “Rilon told me about a spot we could go to, if you wanted to?” He sounds nervous, and when I look up he is grinding his jaw, his eyes on the camp before us.

  “Lead the way, stalker, unless you need me to go first so you can follow behind,” I joke.

  He rolls his eyes to the sky but his lips twitch. I turn, so I can start walking while I face him.

  “You know why I do it, right?” he asks, and I expect a really serious answer about protecting me. “So I can stare at your arse,” he says with a shrug and I stumble, my mouth flying open as I stare at him incredulously.

  “W-What?” I sputter.

  He grins, grabbing my hand and leading me down the ramp and into the camp. “What, you thought I liked staring at the back of your head?” he jokes and I blink, gaping at him again as we walk.

  “When did you get so dirty-minded and make jokes?”

  He winks down at me. “Should see inside my head, baby.”

  Well, shit.

  “What, no smart remark?” he teases, and I narrow my eyes on him as he stops and pulls me into his arms. “Maybe I should make you speechless more often, less trouble that way.” He grins, dropping a chaste kiss on my lips before pulling away and getting us walking again.

  We pass the fields and weave around the buildings, just walking slowly so we can take in the amazing structures and mix of nature they have going on. We head to the back of camp until I can barely see the buildings, and the giant rock face fills our vision. There, so small I didn’t notice it until Barrott pulls me to it, is a small opening in the rock.

  He steps in and looks back at me, his face soft. “Trust me?” he asks.

  “Always,” I reply, stepping in behind him.

  It’s pitch-black, and soon not even the sun can pierce through the cave we are in, so I place my other hand in the middle of his back to keep us connected. I have no idea how he can see but when I stumble, he turns and catches me, holding me against his chest. “Are you okay?” he questions.

  I swallow and nod before realising he can’t see me. What is it about the dark that makes all your deepest desires come out? I don’t know if it’s because we are finally alone, or the way he is holding me so close, but the air around us turns electric and I lick my lips. A tiny bit of light filters in from what must be an opening on the other end, and after blinking I can just about make out his face.

  His head is tilted down to me, his lips parted, and his eyes wide in the dark. He has his hands on my hips and his chest against mine, and he pushes closer, pressing my back into the stone wall but doesn’t do anything else—always letting me make the first move. Always protecting me, even from himself and his desires. So I take that leap, closing the distance until I fumble and feel his lips. He groans, his hands flexing on my hips, and freezes against me, just as solid and dependable as the rock at my back, while he lets me lick and nibble his lips.

  I pull back and wait. I feel his heart racing beneath my palm on his chest, hear his panting as he presses closer, and with an audible snap his restraint breaks. Raw, hard, and hot as hell is the only way to describe him as he kisses me. On his lips I taste his need, his desperation, and his love. He isn’t the best with words, never has been, but the way his hands hold me so tightly like he is terrified I will disappear, the way he kisses me without restriction, he shows me every time.

  There’s just something so wild and dangerous about him, so controlled on the outside but volcanic underneath. A chasm I just want to dive right into, despite the pain and flames, I want it all. I want his anger, his love, his past. I want him to be mine forever. Reaching up, I grip on to his hair, tugging and groaning at his stubble rubbing across my chin and cheeks.

  His hands reach down, cupping my arse, and he hoists me up higher against the wall until I wrap my legs ar
ound his waist. I don’t know where he dropped the food, and I don’t care. Breaking away to breathe, he tilts my head back and kisses down my throat, before biting gently at the side of my neck. The rock at my back quakes, rumbling like the whole cave is about to collapse.

  We freeze against each other, but the noise just gets louder. Barrott drops me to my feet and pushes me ahead. “Run!” he yells, and I scramble towards the light, almost falling, but he keeps me up with a hand on my hip until we burst into the light—out of the passageway. We both look up, open-mouthed, as a spaceship shoots out of the hole higher up in the rock, before looking at each other and laughing.

  “Come on, baby, let’s get some food before you find us some more trouble.” He winks as I glare at him, with a smile twitching my lips.

  Ground Day Six

  The land on the other side of the rock is flat and seems to drop off not too far out, creating an intimate, enclosed space on three sides with an amazing view of the sky and the forest below. I didn’t realise we were this high up, or even on a rock, but with how the terrain works here it shouldn’t be surprising. I can see water, animals, trees, everything, just nature and it’s stunning. I wander over to the edge of the drop off.

  Standing near the edge and looking off, makes me feel like I’m on the edge of the world, it is so foreign and beautiful. I can’t drag my eyes away, although I hear Barrott moving around behind me before he wraps his arms around my waist and drops his head on my shoulder—watching just like I am. Neither of us feel the need to fill the silence, just happy to be sharing this moment together.

  “It’s so beautiful it doesn’t even look real,” I eventually whisper.

  “When your life has such darkness and ugliness, it can be hard to see the beauty, but sometimes it just hits you and makes you stop and really look closely,” he replies, and I look over my shoulder at him to find him staring at me.

  What he said is true though. I’ve seen death, betrayal, lies—hell, I even saw our world dying—I guess that makes you immune to it all after a while, but this breathtaking view makes it all seem so distant, like here I can finally be free, like we can finally rebuild ourselves.

  My stomach rumbles again, breaking the moment, and Barrott laughs. “Come on, I better feed you.” He pulls away and I take one last look back at the world spread out before us, before turning to him, my future. I was so worried about everything, so lost and alone before him. I never knew what I wanted, only that Ayama never held it for me, and there was a reason for that—because it was him. It was always him.

  My future wasn’t that dying world, it was beside the man who holds me with gentle hands despite the gun at his hip and the scowl on his face. Wherever he goes, I want to be, and that is terrifying, but in a way also freeing now that I am admitting it to myself. That includes the others as well, but Barrott…without him, I wouldn’t be me. I would survive, I would function, but I would lose that piece of me that he painstakingly put back together again, even when the edges cut him, even when he bleed deeply from my words and actions, he held on to my sharp edges and glued them back together—brighter and better than ever.

  Heart pounding, palms sweating, but mind clear and empty for once, I stop in front of him as he leans back on the blanket he must have brought, his hands still as he pulls things from the box and watches me worriedly, his lips turning down.

  “Inds?” he murmurs.

  “I love you,” I admit. He blinks, his lips turning up, but I carry on. “With everything in me,” I whisper. He drops the stuff and I fall to my knees before him, sitting between his open legs as I grab his face, forcing him to hear and see me. “I can’t lose you, I don’t care if we are trapped here forever, I don’t care if we never find our way to Ayama—I only care that we do it together. Promise me.” I suck in a breath, suddenly terrified, the kind that has your stomach tight and high like when you are on a hill and there is only two ways to go—up or down. “Promise me we are forever?”

  His hands come up and cover mine. “Not a rebellion, not a crashing ship, not any amount of planets could keep me from you. Even if you hate me, even if you walk away, even if you pick one of the others, I will always love you, I will always follow you. You’ve been my forever since that moment outside the labs, where you go, I go.”

  I close my eyes in relief, my stomach dropping with happiness, and my heart slowing as a happy grin breaks open my face—the sensation of another piece clicking into place again fills me. I have nothing else to say, so I lean forward and seal our vow with a kiss, knowing he means every word. Even if I turned him away, even if I rejected him or hated him, he would be there. Nothing, not even death, could stop Barrott. He’s my moon and sun, always there, rising and setting every morning and night without fail. Not fleeting like a star or a meteor—no, not him.

  I tumble into him, laughing. He wraps his arms around us as he falls to his back with me on top of him. My hair falls down around us like a curtain as I grin down at him.

  “You are so beautiful, baby. I-It makes me speechless. Every time you smile at me, or even just look at me, I lose all sense,” he discloses, his voice rough and reverent.

  “For a speechless man you certainly do have pretty words,” I tease and he growls, narrowing his eyes on me.

  Before he can say anything else, I cover his lips with mine in a soft kiss, letting him know how much I appreciate him trying. Letting him know I see him.

  “Should we eat?” I ask softly, barely moving away from his lips.

  “I’d rather eat you,” he mutters, then he freezes, obviously realising he said that out loud.

  “Oh really?” I grin.

  “I-fuck,” he whispers huskily.

  “Fuck? Surely you’ll buy me dinner first,” I joke.

  “Inds,” he growls, his eyes pained as he leans back, looking up at the sky.

  “Yes, big guy?” I inquire sweetly.

  “Fuck, don’t say fuck while you are on top of me,” he groans out, pinching his lips together like he doesn’t know what else he will say.

  “No, what if I said fuck me instead?” I ask, very seriously.

  He freezes underneath me, his eyes locking on mine and I let him look, gauging how serious I am—deadly, if you were wondering. So I prove it, ignoring his still body, I kiss his lips again and again, until he starts moving them with me and kissing me back. With a groan, he tears them away and I squeal as he rolls us, flipping me until I’m underneath him and he hovers over my body, our legs tangled together, his arms pushing up the top of his body so he can look down at me.

  “Indy, I’m not pressuring you into anything, we don’t have to—I don’t—” He blows out a breath, shaking his head. “What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want you to ever do something you don’t want to do. Don’t feel like you have to just because I said I love you or you said it back, love doesn’t mean consent. I didn’t use those words to get in your pants, I said them because they were true,” he explains. My poor Barrott, always trying to protect me, even from himself.

  “Barrott, shut up. I know you didn’t. You aren’t most men, when you say something you mean it, and when I say something I am sometimes serious ...sometimes, but when it comes to you I have no hesitation. It isn’t just sex between us, I want you…do you want me?” I challenge, with confidence in my voice. Talking about intimacy and sex doesn’t scare me, I’m no prude and I know exactly what I want—him.

  “Of course I fucking want you, I always have, even when I shouldn’t have, but I don’t want you thinking that’s all I want,” he grumbles.

  Leaning up with a soft smile, I prop my arms underneath me so I can be closer to him. “You would never hurt me, Barrott, even without meaning to. You don’t have it in you, you’re rough, yes, you’re angry and mardy, yes, but I love it all. I want you here and now, isn’t that enough?”

  “Yes,” he whispers, before pushing me back, not hesitating now, and taking control like I know he loves doing.

  I fall back, my hands com
ing up to grip his shoulders, as he kisses me hard. Wandering my hands down his back, along his spine, I cup his arse, spreading my thighs to welcome him between them before pulling him closer so no room exists between us, and I can feel his hard length pressed exactly where I need him. He reaches back, never breaking the kiss, and grabs each hand in a hard grip, bruising but oh so good. He pulls them over my head and presses them into the blanket, before holding them with one hand, the other pushing himself up as he breaks the kiss.

  “Are you sure? I mean it Indy, do you really want this, want me?” he questions, his voice rough, his eyes slightly wild.

  “Yes,” I say breathlessly.

  He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing with the movements. “Anytime you change your mind you tell me, anytime I hurt you or do something you aren’t comfortable with, you tell me,” he orders, his voice a deep growl from his need.

  “How about a safe word?” I joke.

  He groans and I stretch my neck to the side as he kisses down it, biting slightly, before swiping his tongue across to lessen the sting. “No? It could be alien balls? Mating sticks? Spaceballs? Howard?” I continue, and he pulls away with a narrow-eyed look. “No? What about holy pineapples?” I giggle and he leans closer.

  “Shut up or I will make you,” he commands and I grin.

  “Then make me, big guy, unless you can’t?” I tease, wrapping my leg around his and hiking them up around his waist, pushing him closer and causing us both to gasp.

  “With fucking pleasure.” He kisses me hard, making me groan into his mouth as heat spreads through my body, my nipples hardening and begging for his attention, my pussy pulsing with need knowing this is finally happening. It’s neither of our first times, but it feels like it, like no one before him mattered and it would be true. Where they were sparks, he is the whole flame, burning me up from the inside out with just the touch of his lips and the whisper of his skin. When he actually touches me, I might implode. I refuse to think of him with someone else and ruin this moment because the truth is, it doesn’t matter. It’s the past and he’s here with me now and that’s the way it will stay…or I will cut a bitch.