Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “Look, I know this is awkward,” he begins, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

  “Since you cheated on me, your new girlfriend bullied my best friend, and my new boyfriend beat the shit out of you?” I summarise, and Barrott barks out a laugh as Liam blushes.

  “Er, yeah,” he agrees, deflating. “We will just...”

  Chrissy looks at the dejected man then and stands up taller, some of that usual spark coming back, and I find myself glad. I know how to deal with bitchy bully Chrissy, not this shy version. “What he is trying to say, Indy, is that he is sorry, and we are both glad you made it.”

  “I find that hard to believe,” I drawl, and I watch her flinch as the barb hits home.

  “It’s true, but I understand why you wouldn’t understand us, but we both wanted to apologise anyway. If you are ever willing to hear us out, please find us. I know I don’t deserve it, but I have changed. I hope you can see that,” she offers grimly, before they both turn and leave.

  “Want me to beat him up again?” Barrott asks and I snort, turning to him with a smile.

  “We need to talk about your anger, and tendency to punch first and question later,” I tease.

  “Nope, people talk too much. I would rather just hit them.” He shrugs.

  Laughing, we carry on circling the camp. All day I’m worried about Howard, and it doesn’t help when we run into Cain’s father who is sitting down eating, talking loudly to others about living conditions. What a wanker.

  “Miss Stewart,” he greets, sitting back in his chair like it’s a throne. “Pleasant surprise, I figured you would be off gallivanting with your alien friends and leaving the work to the rest of us.”

  Nope, I was wrong, this guy is not a wanker. He’s a fucking bastard. Barrott growls, which only makes him laugh. “Down doggy, I meant no offense to your chew toy.”

  I spot Cain sitting on his father’s row, and it sends a pang through me—is he really going to sit there while his father talks to me like that? When he looks at me, his face is blank, but his eyes beg me not to start a fight. What the fuck?

  “If you must know, I was tending to Howard all night...you know, the man who adopted me. Head engineer, worked more hours in one night than you have your entire life?” I deadpan. His eyes narrow, flashing with anger, before that calm facade slides back into place, but it’s too late, I have seen under the mask.

  “Of course.” He turns then, dismissing us, not even asking how Howard is. Rat bastard. For a moment, I imagine letting Barrott loose on him. The man in question is rigid against me, his body vibrating with barely leashed anger.

  “When you have finished eating, it might be good for you to help out. This is not like the ship, I’m afraid. Everyone pulls their weight here.” With that, I spin on my heel, ignoring his gaze boring into my back, and head to the other side of camp as far away from him and Cain as I can get.

  I know it’s his father, but he always told me he hated the man. It must be a hard situation to be put in, but surely he should have spoken up or come after me? He does neither and it hurts me more than I want to admit, but I just bury it deep with all the other emotions, knowing I don’t have the time or luxury to break down.

  I spend the rest of the afternoon in the hot sun, working within the camp. It gives me a chance to get to know people and to talk to them when they aren’t feeling watched or under pressure. I help cement the big fire in the middle of the camp so we can have roasts and leave it going without fear of a wildfire. I also help with the fencing around the camp before grabbing the buckets and heading to the water pool they found that we collect water from.

  I find myself suspicious of everyone, but when you are working side by side with them, it’s hard to find fault, especially when nothing glaring stands out, but if I was a spy for a rebellion, I wouldn’t want to as well. I am just filling up the buckets I have to haul back when Ker pops out of the trees and head-butts me over, demanding pets.

  “Where have you been, huh? Not a fan of camp, are you?” In fact, he never seems to come to me whenever I am inside the human camp. Maybe he can sense something or he is just wary of humans. I haven’t seen him in a few days, though, so I sit crossed-legged and pet him while he licks my face and arms.

  “You miss me, boy?” I coo, scratching his head. His eyes go crossed-eyed and his tongue lolls out, making me laugh.

  “Thought we would find you here.” Auden laughs when he sees us, stepping out near the water, and Eldon follows him, sitting across from me. They slowly reach out and stroke Ker’s side, and when he doesn’t do anything but flick his tail at them, they become more sure and pet him, all of us lost in our thoughts.

  “I better get this water back, I’m going to see Howard after,” I say softly and they both nod.

  “Can we come with you?” Eldon asks, making me smile.

  “I was hoping you would.”

  I untangle myself from Ker and kiss his head before Eldon and Auden help me carry back the buckets, with Ker shadowing us until we get to camp. Then, I watch as he jumps up the nearest tree, stretches out on a branch, and promptly falls asleep. Snorting, I drop off the water and check in on everyone before finding Barrott on watch at the edge of camp.

  “One second, guys. I’ll meet you at the gate!” I shout to the brothers before jogging over to him.

  “Hey, big guy. I’m heading to check on Howard, Auden and Eldon are coming with.” He grabs me when I get close, and I laugh as he dips me and kisses me hard, before straightening us both with his special smile in place.

  “Okay baby, be safe.” He kisses me again, brushing my hair from my face, and I nod.

  “You too.” I lean on my tiptoes and drop a kiss on his cheek before turning and walking away, but not before he smacks my ass. I whip my head around, my mouth open in shock, as he grins at me before going back to looking in the forest.

  “Perv,” I tease before moving through camp. My good mood disappears as I try and push the nervous energy away like I have all day. I need to be there, to see that he is okay, and check on Effie. Keeping busy has helped, but now that I know I am going there, I just want to sprint to their camp.

  When I reach Auden and Eldon, I force myself to slow down and give them a smile as they each grab a hand and we walk to the alien settlement. Maybe they can feel my need to go fast or they simply understand, but we don’t talk, just walk quickly so we get there in a few minutes. When the alien camp sprawls before us, the sun is blazing in the sky, the orange and pink tendrils spreading across the atmosphere as it starts to set.

  I rush through the building, not even stopping to greet anyone, and before I know it, I am standing in front of the medical room. I freeze then, my hands clamped on the brothers as I blink and wet my lips, giving myself a pep talk before I wave and the door disappears.

  Howard is exactly where I left him, still unconscious under the sheet. In fact, he looks exactly the same. Is he not getting better? Like the bubble has burst, I rush into the room and to his side, holding his hand as I exam the black veins I can still see on his skin from the venom.

  “Hey, daddio. I heard what you did today. Why do you always have to be a hero, huh?” I tease, my voice thick as I choke back tears.

  “What did he do?” Effie asks, and I look over my shoulder, my eyebrows raising. She is curled up on Wrenil. He is sitting on the floor, his eyes open and locked on me. His tail is wrapped around Effie’s stomach, keeping her pressed against him, but she doesn’t seem to want to move either. She looks so tiny in his arms, but I am beyond happy he is here for her when she needs it.

  “Seems this big lug decided to help Chrissy and Liam from their pod, which crashed into hitzl territory,” I say grimly, but a soft smile curls her lips.

  “Sounds like him.”

  I nod and turn back to him. I hear her moving and Wrenil almost moaning as she gets up, before her arm wraps around my waist and I sigh. Placing my arm around her shoulder, I pull her to me and kiss the top of her head. “How is
he?”

  “The same.” Her voice tells me everything. She is worried and I need to take her mind off it.

  “Where are your other aliens?” I inquire with a grin and she groans, leaning her head on my shoulder as we both stare at Howard.

  “Rhet is resting, he was up all night, and refused to sleep to watch over Dad, Nidolak has gone to get food for us so I didn’t have to leave,” she admits.

  “Jolp?” I laugh.

  “Ugh, that ass is here,” she groans.

  I glance around with wide eyes, before I catch the reacher in the corner of the room right up by the ceiling, and I start laughing and I just can’t stop. Effie starts giggling too, until we are leaning on each other, laughing our asses off.

  When we sober, I look back down at Howard. “I never told him I loved him, or how much everything he did for me meant to me.”

  She pinches my side. “Shut up, he knew, we both did. Plus, it’s not like you didn’t help.” She gives me a meaningful look and I wince.

  “Erm, I didn’t think you knew about the credits,” I hedge.

  She rolls her eyes. “Pu-lease, like you two morons could hide anything from me.”

  We go quiet then and I suck in a breath. “You remember that night we got drunk and stumbled back?”

  She laughs, vibrating against my side. “You called him Howie and had a dance off. It was the most we had seen you laugh in months. He didn’t even mind we had stolen the liquor from an upper, whatever it took to make you happy. He paid them for it, you know?”

  “I didn’t,” I whisper.

  “Yeah, the uppers found out it was us from security cameras and came knocking. Howard paid them in full with some extra not to mention it to security,” she says softly, holding me closer.

  “He’s a good man,” I murmur just as softly. “Too good a man, a world like this...he’s got too big a heart.”

  “Never stopped you.” She pushes me away and glares.

  “I don’t have a big heart, babe. I’m a bitch, remember?” I cross my arms.

  “Uh-oh, sure, keep telling yourself that.” She grabs a chair and shoves it at me. “Here, sit, I need to pee and go eat.” I grip her arm and she looks at me.

  “I didn’t mean—I just mean it’s unusual in our world,” I finish lamely, and she sighs.

  “I know, maybe we all need to be a bit more like him.” With that, she sweeps out of the room, the reacher and alien following after her, making me smile.

  Auden and Eldon push away from the wall they were leaning against, grab the other two chairs, and sit on either side of me with their shoulders touching mine, offering comfort as I hold Howard’s hand.

  “I miss you Howie, I wish you were here,” I whisper, and Auden and Eldon move closer. “I want you to meet the men I love, I want you to welcome them to our family and judge them and tell them not to break my heart. I want you back, Dad,” I admit, saying something out loud I never have before. I might not have acted like it, but he had slipped into the role of my dad. Looking after me, protecting me, and always being there when I needed him.

  We sit there for a while, the brothers quiet, letting me get lost in my own thoughts, before Eldon quietly speaks, “Tell us about him.”

  So I do, I tell them stories until we are laughing. I let Howard flow around us, even after Effie gets back, and to my surprise she joins in. Regaling us with tales of her as a child, and how much trouble her and Howard used to get into, and when it goes quiet, we all have a smile on our face, watching the man in the bed who doesn’t even realise he has us all loving him.

  SURVIVOR LOG 0007

  Date: Unknown

  Mission: 43, Colony

  Ship: Dawnbreaker

  Location: Unknown Planet.

  I don’t even know where to start. Every time I sit down to write everything that has happened, my mind blanks. There is so much to tell, it feels like everything is coming all at once, like the world has finally stopped holding its breath and I am just waiting for the next explosion.

  I also started to think about what would happen if someone found this. I have been hiding it, but if it fell into the wrong hands and I had written all my plans and suspicions down regarding a certain faction of the camp, they could use it against us. So, instead, let’s start safe.

  Howard, I haven’t told anyone, but I am terrified. His wounds aren’t getting better and I know that look on Rhet’s face. He doesn’t expect him to live. How do I tell my best friend, my sister, that? If he dies, it will destroy her and me, our family will have a hole that will never be filled, so I have to have hope. I have to believe he will get better.

  I wish I knew what I was doing, but it feels like I’m bumbling along from mistake to mistake, and that everyone can see the bigger picture apart from me. Why is the rebellion still fighting? Maybe I will never know, maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a leader. Spaceballs knows I never wanted to be one, I just wanted to chase one high to the next, and not live in the past.

  Ayama is still lingering over us, a hope and a dream keeping us all going…all apart from me. Are we really pinning all our hopes on a dying planet? Sometimes, dreams are better just staying that way, then they can’t hurt us or let us down. They dream of Ayama, I dream of peace…what will prevail?

  - Indy, signing off.

  Ground Day Eight

  It’s late, or I guess the middle of the night, when I finally leave, but only because of Effie’s insistence and her telling me I look like crap. I kiss them both goodnight and warn Wrenil not to leave her and to contact me if anything comes up. They both agree, and Eldon and Auden grab me and leave, probably thinking I will stay there all night if they let me.

  On the walk back, I tug them so they slow down, taking the opportunity to just breathe in nature under the moons with the stars in the sky. “It’s so beautiful here.”

  My voice cuts through the night and before I know it, I’m sobbing. Eldon and Auden surround me, pressing in on either side as they hold me. I hear them talking as I bury my face into one of their chests, letting it all come out. It hurts so much to see him like that, I can’t lose another parent, I just can’t.

  Eventually, I pull myself together and look up with red, puffy eyes to Eldon. He smiles softly down at me and my cheeks heat. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to break down like that, I swear I’m not usually this weak.”

  “I like it actually.” He grins.

  “You...like me crying?” I ask, confused, while rubbing my nose on my arm as Auden hugs me from behind.

  “No, but, Good Looking, you act so tough all the time. So confident and sure, and while we love that, I love seeing you like this. Getting to comfort you while you trust us enough to hold you together as you cry? I love that, I love that you trust us this much.” His eyes sparkle as he captures a tear on his finger and kisses it before dotting kisses on my upturned face. “You could never be weak, but tears are not a bad thing, Good Looking.”

  “No, it shows you are strong enough to survive the pain and let it out. Weakness can be a form of strength and you have both by the shipload,” Auden adds, and I grin soppily.

  “I’m so lucky to have you both,” I whisper, and they tighten around me.

  “We are the lucky ones,” Auden murmurs, stirring my hair with his breath, and we just stand there for a while, holding each other under the stars before I sigh and pull away.

  “We better get back, I want to check on Cain and see how he is dealing with everything.”

  They nod and we start walking again, the smell of smoke curling around us before we see the camp. The fire is still roaring in the middle, but most people seem to be asleep in their tents with only the sentries still surrounding camp, including Barrott. I wave at him and he blows me a kiss as I head to our tent and pull back the flap.

  Cain is asleep already, lying under his sleeping bag, and I sigh, knowing I won’t be able to talk to him until morning. Despite the weirdness earlier, I still need to make sure he is okay. Kicking off my boots and slippin
g out of my trousers, I crawl into my sleeping bag, with Auden and Eldon on either side. They drop off to sleep quickly, with only a sleepy, “Good night, Good Looking.”

  Flipping onto my back, I stare at the top of the tent, lost in my own thoughts. My emotions and mind are too chaotic to settle down enough to let me to sleep, even though I desperately need it and my eyes are heavy from exhaustion. After a long period of silence, the sudden rustling is loud in the tent, and I keep my breathing even and my eyes locked on the roof to see who it is. Not a minute later, I see Cain stumbling up and around the tent. I watch him go, with my heart in my throat, as he slips out of the front of the shelter. What the fuck? I’m not stupid, the jinum mentioned secret meetings, and now Cain is slipping off in the middle of the night? Is he part of the rebellion? But surely he still wouldn’t be, after it cost him his mother’s life? Either way, I need to know.

  Slipping from my sleeping bag, I quickly pull on my trousers and lace my boots, all in the dark. Peeking out, I spot him heading towards the edge of the treeline and when I look over, Barrott is facing the other way, talking to someone. Spaceballs, biting my lip in indecision, I debate my options. I know I should go and get Barrott, but he will attack first and ask questions later, and that doesn’t seem to be working well for Cain. No, I need to see this for myself and then decide what to do. So, while Barrott is still distracted, I follow Cain. Stopping at the treeline and hiding behind a tree, I watch as he stops just inside the dark, looking around like he is waiting for someone. His face is calm but I know him too well. I can sense his nervousness and his eyes flash with guilt…which means he is doing something wrong. Fuck, please don’t let my suspicions be right.

  I try to remain still and quiet so that no one spots me, and only a couple of minutes later I hear footsteps before Cain’s father emerges from a different direction. His face twisted in contempt but it flashes with glee when he spots Cain.