by Deja King
A wave of despair flooded through my body. The emotional roller coaster I was on now took another turn. I went from fear to anger and now shame. I put my head down, replaying the words Chad had just spoken to me. Everyone would think I was a whore. My parents would find out how old Trey really was, and he would know I lied about hanging out with Lisa that night. He’d find out I was actually with Chad. I felt helpless.
At his insistence, Chad drove me home. Luckily my parents were asleep. I went in the bathroom and turned on the light switch. The reflection in the mirror of the once beautiful face with the perfectly applied makeup had two raccoon eyes from the tears smearing my eyeliner and mascara. I took off all my clothes, put them in a plastic bag, and planned to toss them in the trash. I pulled back the floral shower curtain and turned the knob to Hot. I stepped inside and let the burning water drench my hair and entire body. I was hoping all the evil that had just violated my body would be washed away. That was the best I could hope for. After going over my options, I decided to keep this horrific night to myself. I convinced myself that I got what I deserved for even going to the prom with Chad. The shame I felt was too much to share with anyone, let alone my parents or the police. This was a chapter of my life I would put behind me. Or so I thought.
In the months after the rape, I fell into a deep depression. I did a good job hiding it from my family and friends, but every night I would cry myself to sleep. With Ella away at college, Mother focusing on her social life, and Daddy traveling more and more on his socalled business trips, the only person I had was Trey. Besides going to school, I spent all my time with him. We had been together for over a year, but our relationship had begun taking on a different dimension.
One day Trey arrived to take me to a barbecue at his friend Patrick’s house. I colored my normally black hair a lighter brown and wore a snug-fitting halter dress. As soon as I stepped in the car, the insults started. “Why did you dye your hair that color? It looks nasty because it washes out your complexion. And that dress makes you look fat,” he said, even though I was no more than a hundred and fifteen pounds. The other side of Trey was showing its ugly face, and it was far from the fun-loving guy I fell in love with. Trey was screwed up emotionally and I was already unstable, so he started to screw me up even more.
“I like my hair color, and I think this dress fits me good,” I replied confidently, trying to mask how bad Trey had hurt my feelings.
“I didn’t ask you what you think. You don’t know anything anyway. I’m a man. I know what looks good and what doesn’t. Trust me, you look like shit.”
For the entire barbecue I sat in a corner feeling too insecure to walk around or mingle with anybody. After that day Trey’s cruelty became an all-out daily assault that slowly chipped away my self-esteem and left me lacking confidence.
Trey was excited about his new apartment and finally having no roommate. Between going to school during the day and promoting parties at night, he was making decent money and was able to afford a one-bedroom unit in a brand-new luxury apartment complex. In Trey’s bedroom I was unpacking a box full of tapes, CDs, and videocassettes when I came across a tape that had “Joy Time” written in bold black ink. It was dated a month earlier. Curious, I slid it in the VCR. An image flashed across the screen—it was Trey, sitting on the couch in his old apartment, speaking into the camera. Then he walked over to the camera, took it from someone’s hand, and turned the camera on her. It was a pretty ebony-complexioned woman in her early twenties. I heard Trey’s voice in the background, saying, “Come on, Nikki, do a striptease show for me.” Music was playing in the background, and then another young woman stepped into the camera’s view.
“That’s right, ladies. Move that ass to the music. Take it all off.” The women were now completely naked and grinding to reggae music. “Play with each other’s tits while Daddy watches.” The women were rubbing each other down and sucked each other’s nipples like they were babies nursing. The whole scene was bizarre. I had never seen two women making out before. Right when I was about to push Eject, Trey propped the camcorder in a prime position. He was now butt naked, frolicking with the ladies.
“Come here, Stephanie,” Trey said, grabbing her gigantic ass. She was giggling as she made her way toward him. “I want you to deep throat it for me like you did last night,” Trey demanded. This was all too much. The girl got on her hands and knees and swallowed Trey’s manhood.
The other girl, Nikki, chimed, “Ya not gonna leave me out the mix.” Then she grabbed Trey’s hand, and he lay on the floor while Stephanie continued to suck him dry. Nikki sat on Trey’s face, and he ate her pussy as if it were a prime piece of steak. I couldn’t bring myself to turn off the tape; I was entranced. I sat on Trey’s bed in disgust, not believing the threesome taking place in front of my eyes with my boyfriend playing the starring role. I put my hands on my forehead, shaking my head in disbelief, when Trey walked in.
His eyes popped out as he saw the sex tape he had made only a month earlier. He ran to the VCR and struggled clumsily to rip the tape out. But the damage had already been done. “Tyler, it’s not what you think; this tape is from a couple of years ago.”
“Trey, I saw the date. You made it last month.” Honestly, I didn’t even care. I knew Trey was cheating on me, but I was at such a low point in my life that it didn’t matter. Plus since Chad raped me, I didn’t even enjoy sex anymore. I preferred to be left alone. I gave into Trey sexually only because I felt obligated.
“Nah, baby, that’s the right date but the wrong year,” he countered.
“Save it, Trey. No need to explain; the tape speaks for itself. It’s actually a good thing. I’ve been having reservations about our relationship, and this tape makes it clear that it’s time for us to go our separate ways.”
“What the fuck did you say?” Trey’s demeanor changed in less than eight seconds. He went from denying and apologetic to hostile and aggressive. “I know you not trying to end this over some bullshit tape with some chicken-heads.”
“Yeah, some chicken-heads—one who had your dick in her mouth and the other who had her pussy spread across your face. That’s funny,” I chuckled. “Trey, it’s all good. Shit happens, but this is the last time it will happen with me.” I stepped off the bed preparing to leave, but as soon as my feet touched the carpet, Trey punched me in the left eye. I fell back on the bed.
“Bitch, you think you gonna leave me? Hell, no! I told you, don’t nobody leave me.” Trey stood over me, yelling like a three-year-old having a temper tantrum. Spit was flaring from his mouth as he continued to rant and rave. He lifted his leg and put his Nike shoe to my throat. “You ain’t never gonna leave me. You hear me?” He pressed his shoe deeper into my throat, and I began to lose my breath. Trey knelt down and grabbed my hair and dragged me to the mirror in his bathroom. My eye was now swollen and red from the punch he had planted on my face.
“Take a long look at yourself. If you ever leave me, I’ll have this pretty little face so disfigured, your own mama won’t recognize you.”
Trey’s words stung. Was this my life? What had I done to deserve my miserable existence? That night Trey fucked me while forcing me to watch his porno tape over and over. He said it was to teach me not to go through his shit.
For the next few months I grew more and more afraid of Trey. After enduring busted lips, black eyes, and constant beat downs, I was afraid of what he might do next. I had become so alienated from my family and friends that it seemed like nobody cared. Part of me felt that something about me must be so terrible that I deserved Trey’s constant abuse. I spent most nights at Trey’s apartment, and because my parents were busy living their own separate lives, they never made time to see how I was doing. I could’ve left for a month, and no one would’ve noticed.
Besides Trey, I spent time with only one other person, and that was Patrick. I first met Patrick at his barbecue, but that was only briefly. He was so occupied with entertaining his guests that we didn’t have an oppo
rtunity to talk. Then one day when I was waiting for Trey after a class, Patrick saw me.
“Hi, Tyler, are you waiting for Trey?”
“Yeah.” I smiled shyly. I knew Trey wouldn’t appreciate me talking to Patrick, although they were friends.
“Is everything okay? You have a sad look on your face,” he said.
“I do? I’m fine, just a little tired,” I said, not wanting to reveal that the look on my face was an indication of how miserable I was with Trey.
“Okay, but if you ever need to talk, let me know.” “I’ll do that,” I said as Patrick turned and walked away. For a brief moment I wondered why Trey couldn’t be sensitive like Patrick.
One night during a heated argument with Trey, he punched me in the nose. Blood was everywhere. I ran out of the apartment and drove off. While driving back and forth on Peachtree Street, I called Patrick from my cell. He told me to come over. When I got there, he examined my nose, and luckily it wasn’t broken. He gave me some cold towels to stop the bleeding and had me tilt my head back. The questioning immediately kicked in.
“Why does a girl like you, who has so much going for herself, stay with a man like Trey?” Patrick asked as he pressed the towel around my nose.
“It’s a long complicated story,” I sighed.
“I’m in no rush,” Patrick said with a warm smile. He had a way of making me feel at ease. I could talk to him for hours without even realizing the time was passing us by.
“When I first met Trey, he was fun and exciting. Different from the other guys I dated. He was the quintessential bad boy, and I was attracted to that. Never did I think he would turn out to be so demonic.”
“So why stay?”
“The first time Trey hit me, in so many words, he threatened to end my life if I ever tried to leave him. No one had ever placed that sort of fear in my heart. Part of me also feels unworthy of any type of real love.”
Patrick turned my face to his and lovingly placed his hand on my shoulder. “How can you say that? You come from a good family, and the world is yours for the taking.”
“You mean I come from a rich family, because nothing about it is good. Living in a big house and having nice cars doesn’t make a good family, Patrick. No one even notices when I’m not around. My father is too busy having an affair, and my mother is so wrapped up with her socialite friends and her casual flings that they couldn’t care less whether I’m coming or going. My life is empty.”
“I’m sorry, Tyler. I had no idea your family life was causing you so much pain, but then again, it should have been easy to figure out. If your parents were paying any attention to you, they would see how volatile your relationship with Trey is. But, Tyler, I’m here to tell you that you deserve more. You’re a beautiful, smart, and loving young woman with so much to give. You deserve more than Trey. I can’t force you to leave him, but if you’re only staying out of fear, I will make sure that he never puts his hands on you again.”
I moved closer to Patrick and gave him a long lingering kiss. No one had ever made me feel so safe and secure. “Patrick, I want to give myself to you. Please make love to me.”
“Tyler, you have more to give than just your body. I want all of you: your mind, your body, and your soul. But that will take time. Right now you need to focus on ending things with Trey and focusing on healing yourself.” Patrick was right. I had so many inner demons I needed to fight, and the first one was Trey. I also knew that this situation had to be dealt with delicately. Trey would flip if I started a relationship with Patrick, but part of me didn’t care. I so desperately wanted to escape the torture I was enduring with Trey and be with a loving, gentle person like Patrick that I was willing to take the risk.
“Instead of making love, can we lie in the bed and you just hold me until I fall asleep?” I asked.
“I’ll do more than that; I’ll hold you until you wake up.” Patrick reached for my hand and led me to his bedroom. He gave me a T-shirt to put on, and we slid under the covers. Patrick held me all night as I fell into the deepest sleep I had had in many months.
When I woke up early the next morning, Patrick was still asleep. I moved his arm from around me and quietly got out the bed. I threw on my clothes, wrote Patrick a note telling him I would call him later, and headed out the door. When I got in the car, I had twenty missed calls and ten new voice messages, all from Trey.
As I drove up the driveway, I felt a great sense of relief to be home. When I opened the front door, my parents were sitting on the stairs in their pajamas as though they had been up all night.
“Tyler, where have you been and what happened to your nose?” Mother asked, the look of death on her face. My parents hadn’t questioned my whereabouts in so long that I was thrown off.
“I spent the night at…Lisa’s house, and I accidentally banged my nose on her bathroom door.”
“Don’t lie to your mother,” Daddy said, as if he was disappointed with where the conversation was going.
“I called Lisa last night, and she tried to cover for you, but once I explained the severity of the situation, she admitted she hadn’t spoken to you.” What severe situation was Mother speaking of? I wondered.
“Did something happen to Ella?”
“No, Ella is fine. The emergency is you.” Mother’s lip began to quiver as it did when she was either stressed or extremely nervous.
“Me? What about me?”
“Last night, Trey kept calling here looking for you. He said you weren’t answering your phone and thought maybe we knew where you were. After the third call he became irate and started cursing and screaming, saying I was lying about knowing your whereabouts. I didn’t know it, but he was calling from outside the house. Before I could tell your father about the conversation there was a knock at the door, and when Daddy opened it, Trey put a gun to his head. He told your father to tell you that if you don’t come back to him, you’re as good as dead. What the hell is going on, Tyler?”
All the built-up pain and fear emerged from inside me, and I burst out crying. Father ran toward me and wrapped his arms around me. Mother stood there, looking confused. “I’m so sorry,” I wailed. “Trey beat me up last night, and I stayed with my friend Patrick because I was afraid and didn’t want to come home.”
“Beat you up? Is that what happened to your nose?” Mother asked.
“Yes.”
“Was that the first time he hit you?”
“No, Daddy, he has hit me many, many times.” My body fell into his chest as I purged one of my painful secrets.
“My little princess,” Daddy kept saying over and over as he rubbed my back.
“I knew that man was evil. How dare he do this to a daughter of mine? We called the police after Trey left, and they came over and filled out an incident report. I want you to press charges for the busted nose he gave you.”
“Mother, I just want to forget any of this ever happened and forget Trey ever existed.”
“Are you crazy? You have a maniac after you, and you want to act like you’re not in danger?” Mother hissed.
“You have a lot of nerve,” I said, pushing myself away from Daddy. “Mother, you allow Daddy to knock you around on the rare occasions that he’s home. And Daddy, you’re out having an affair as if your family is nonexistent. The two of you are part of the reason I stayed with Trey—I thought he was the only one who gave a damn about me. Maybe he abused me, but at least he gave me attention and acknowledged my existence. Both of you are so caught up in your own lives that you don’t care what’s going on with me.”
Daddy stared at me, stunned. “Tyler, that’s not true,” he said lovingly. Your mother and I love you very much, and I’ll admit we have been selfish, and I’m so sorry. Despite all our faults, you still have to be realistic about the situation. This isn’t just going to go away. We need to take the necessary steps to protect you, and that means going to the police.” He was right. Trey was crazy, and there was no telling what he might do. Maybe if he knew the polic
e were involved, it would scare him enough to leave me alone.
My parents drove me to the police station, where I filed a criminal complaint, and the police issued a temporary restraining order against Trey. I finally felt that Trey was completely out of my life.
Initially Trey continued to call with threats, and he even came to my house and school looking for me. But after he was arrested for violating the restraining order, he seemed to get the message and he backed off. Patrick was there for me the whole time. Although we hadn’t been intimate, we were closer than any two people could be. He was truly my rock, and I felt blessed to have him in my corner. The tragic events in my life had briefly united my parents, and they seemed to rekindle their love. But after things cooled down, Daddy was back to the mistress and Mother was back to her social life.
“Let’s go check out that new Denzel Washington movie tonight,” Patrick said.
“That sounds good. I’ll be at your crib in an hour.” After hanging up, I jumped in the shower. I put on the new baby blue minidress I’d picked up at a boutique in Lenox Square mall. It was a warm summer night, and I put the top down on my new BMW 325. It was a present for my seventeenth birthday, which had just passed. I blasted “Hypnotized” by the late great Biggie Smalls as I made my way to Patrick’s house. While bopping to the music, I realized that a black Jeep had been behind me for the last ten minutes. My heart started jumping, and instantly I thought of Trey. While I dialed Patrick’s number to relay my fear, the Jeep made a right turn at the light. I laughed at myself for being so paranoid. When I reached Patrick’s crib I blew the horn, and he came running outside. He jumped in the passenger seat and gave me a kiss on the lips, and we headed off to the movies.