by Deja King
The next day was my appointment, and I didn’t have anyone to go with me. I decided to bite the bullet and call Lisa. If I had my way, no one would know about the abortion, but I had to have someone to drive me home after the procedure.
“Hello,” I heard Lisa say under the sound of loud-ass music.
“Girl, turn that shit down.”
“What is it?” Lisa asked, sounding aggravated at my request.
“I need you to come with me to the doctor’s office tomorrow.”
“Doctor’s office? For what?”
“I’m having an abortion, and I need someone to drive me home afterward,” I said matter-of-factly.
“Abortion! Girl, your mama is going to kill you.” Lisa could be so damn dramatic. That’s why I didn’t want to even tell her silly ass, but my options were limited.
“If all goes well, there is no need for her to find out about it, dumb ass.”
“Don’t be getting smart wit me; I’m doing yo yellow ass a favor.”
“Whatever, Lisa. I’ll pick you up at nine o’clock in the morning.”
“Hold up. Why can’t Patrick go with you?”
I wanted to reach through the phone and smack Lisa because she knew damn well I couldn’t ask Patrick. I complained to her on several occasions about the constant hint-dropping Patrick did about me having his child. She knew that if Patrick ever found out I killed his baby, he would never forgive me.
“Lisa, you know if Patrick knew I was pregnant, he would lock me up for the whole nine months. You are my only option, so please stop with the third degree and just be there for me.”
“All right, girl; I’ll see you in the morning.”
A couple of days after my abortion I went to Chicago to see Patrick. We were lying in the bed asleep when a sharp pain woke me up. “Oh, goodness,” I sighed.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Patrick asked, still half-asleep. The pain was becoming more intense, and my arms were wrapped around my stomach trying to minimize the impact.
“Oh, shit, I’m bleeding,” I screamed as I looked down and saw the blood on my thighs. “Baby, please take me to the emergency room.” When we got to the hospital, a nurse escorted me to an examining room, and I waited for the doctor to come in. I asked Patrick to sit in the waiting room because I didn’t want him to hear the conversation I was about to have with the doctor. Patrick reluctantly agreed.
Before the doctor examined me, he asked me a series of questions: Was I pregnant? Had I had an abortion recently?
“I had an abortion a few days ago.” The doctor examined me while continuing his line of questioning. Then he paused and looked at me.
“Ms. Blake, unfortunately you had a botched abortion.”
“What does that mean?” I asked nervously. Ignoring my question, the doctor proceeded.
“Was your procedure done in the Chicago area?”
“No, I’m from Atlanta.” I was now shaking, and I wanted the doctor to explain what the hell a botched abortion was.
“Whoever performed the abortion did not completely remove the fetus.”
“Excuse me?” I said, horrified.
“Your abortion is what we would consider incomplete. The doctor who performed this procedure was incompetent.”
“I actually don’t know who the doctor was. I didn’t go to my family physician because I was afraid my parents would find out. So I flipped through the yellow pages and picked someone who could perform the surgery quickly and cheaply.” The doctor was shaking his head in what looked like a combination of disappointment and disgust.
“Ms. Blake, an abortion is a very serious procedure and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Women have died during this sort of operation. When making a decision like this, you have to do what is safest, not what is cheapest or quickest.” I felt ashamed as the doctor lectured me.
“You need surgery immediately to make sure the entire fetus is removed or you could develop a life-threatening infection.” Tears were pouring out of my eyes. I didn’t know how I was going to explain this to Patrick.
“Will I be able to get pregnant again and have a baby?”
“Yes, if we perform the surgery right away there should be no permanent damage.” I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that all hope wasn’t lost.
“Doctor, can I see my boyfriend before you take me to the operating room?”
“Sure, but only briefly. I’ll have the nurse call him in.” I nervously rubbed my hands, wondering what I was going to say to Patrick. When he walked through the door, Patrick looked so afraid for me.
“Tyler, what is going on? The nurse said they’re about to take you in for emergency surgery.”
“Baby, I had a miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. They don’t think the entire fetus came out, and they need to perform surgery so I don’t get an infection.” The lie just started flowing, so I rolled with it. It sounded a lot better than the truth. Patrick’s eyes swelled with tears as he wrapped his arms around me.
“Tyler, I’m so sorry. Everything will be okay. I’ll be here waiting for you.” Guilt had taken over my body. Patrick was so caring and understanding, unaware of all my lies. But it was for the best. Patrick would be devastated if he knew the truth. The nurse came in and told me they were ready for me. Patrick kissed me on the forehead, and with a tear rolling down his cheek, he waved goodbye.
When I woke up the next morning, Patrick was at my bedside, sitting in a chair in a deep sleep. The doctor came in and told me the surgery went fine and I could check out of the hospital. He gave me a prescription for an antibiotic, and I gave him my thanks. I was anxious to get the hell outta there.
After picking up the prescription and stopping to get a bite to eat, Patrick and I headed home. There had been complete silence between us, and I knew Patrick was in deep pain. He finally reached over and took my hand. “Tyler, I’m so sorry this happened. I know how much we both wanted a baby, but don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. We can always try again after your body heals.”
“I know,” I said quietly.
When we got home, I immediately went upstairs and took a long hot shower. While I washed away my sins in the hot water, I heard my cell phone ringing. But after a couple of rings it stopped, and I thought whoever called must have hung up. When Patrick’s home phone started ringing, my gut told me there was about to be trouble. I stepped out of the shower and quietly picked up the phone in the bathroom. I listened intensely as I caught the conversation from the very beginning.
“Hello,” Patrick said as he answered the phone.
“Hi, is that you, Patrick?”
“Yeah, who else would it be?”
“Nobody. Why didn’t Tyler answer her cell phone?”
“She’s in the shower. I saw your name show up on my caller ID so I picked up.”
“Oh, so you wanted to speak to me?” Lisa said, being flirtatious.
“Actually I thought maybe you were calling to check up on her.”
“Why, is she okay?”
“Actually she’s a little upset. Last night she had a miscarriage. She didn’t even know she was pregnant.”
“You mean an abortion?” Lisa said, trying to sound like she misunderstood him, but knowing exactly what she was doing.
“Nah, I said miscarriage. Tyler wouldn’t have no abortion.”
“Oh, I thought you were talking about the abortion I took her to have a few days ago.”
“Excuse me? What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I’m sorry, Patrick. I must have misunderstood you. I took Tyler to have an abortion a few days ago, and when you said she was upset I thought maybe it was because she felt guilty.” I wanted to reach through the phone and give Lisa the ass-whipping of her life.
“I guess I’m the one who misunderstood,” Patrick said, knowing full well that the concerned speech Lisa just gave was bullshit. But regardless, if what Lisa said was true, then I had a lot of explaining to do.
“I’ll tell Tyler
you called, Lisa.” My whole body began shaking. I let the shower keep running as I waited in the bathroom for a few minutes, trying to regain my composure and decide how I would play this. When I finally came out, Patrick was standing in front of the window looking at the view of the city. Patrick threw down the phone.
“Baby, let’s stay in the bed all day and watch movies. How does that sound?” Patrick ignored my question. I walked toward him, knowing he could explode at any moment. As I came closer he turned around and looked at me. His eyes were red, and his expression was ice cold.
“Lisa called while you were in the shower. She first tried your cell, and when you didn’t answer she called my home line.”
“Oh, what did she want?”
“Nothing really. I thought maybe you called her earlier about the miscarriage and she was checking up on you.”
“Oh.” I was biting my bottom lip so hard, I thought it was going to start bleeding. My head was spinning, remembering every word Lisa said to Patrick. I couldn’t believe my best friend would sell me out. I always knew Lisa was envious of me, but in trying to destroy my relationship with Patrick, she had crossed a line. I would have to deal with Lisa later, but right now I had to figure out a way to explain my actions to Patrick. I already knew what Lisa told him, and it showed all over my face.
Patrick continued to stare me down. “When I told Lisa you were upset, she assumed I was talking about the abortion you had a few days ago. She thought you were feeling guilty. What do—?”
I cut Patrick off before he could continue. “It’s not what you think. I didn’t mean to deceive you, Patrick, but I wasn’t ready to have a baby.”
“So you went and had a fucking abortion behind my back, then gave me this song and dance about a miscarriage? You lying bitch! Why the fuck did you really have to have surgery?” I was overwhelmed and couldn’t speak. “Answer me, Tyler! What the fuck was the surgery for?” Patrick was now screaming at the top of his lungs. I finally managed to speak up.
“The doctor who did the abortion didn’t remove the entire fetus. If I didn’t have the operation, I could’ve developed a life-threatening infection.” Patrick’s eyes were full of hate and disgust. “Sweetheart, the surgery went fine, and we can have another baby. I promise.”
Patrick put his hand around my throat and held me like I was an enemy. “You killed my seed. Do you think I want to have a baby with you? You are an evil, sick woman. I can’t believe I ever fell in love with you. Now I know why Trey killed himself— because you are nothing but poison.” Patrick tossed me down on the bed like I meant nothing to him. He turned around and looked at me. “When I get back, I want you out of my house. Don’t ever contact me again.” Patrick went to his drawer and tossed an envelope at me. “Use this to do whatever you need to do to get the hell out of my life.” After Patrick stormed out and I heard the door slam downstairs, I looked inside the envelope. It was full of thousand-dollar bills. I burst into tears and fell on the bed and buried my head in the pillows. Patrick hated me, and now I felt like I had no one.
I called a taxi, then waited for it in the living room. I didn’t want to think about Patrick’s words, so instead I focused on the chest of drawers in the foyer. The body had a rich cordovan finish, while the legs and trim were executed with silver-leaf detail. Patrick’s exquisite taste amazed me, and once again I realized why we were best friends. Soon I heard the taxi honking its horn; I walked to the door and looked around the beautiful duplex one last time before I said good-bye.
To this day I wish I had never crossed that line with Patrick. I decided never to get involved with a man who started out as my best friend. Knowing the type of person I am, my friendships would outlast a romantic relationship any day. I learned a valuable lesson with Patrick, and if I had the opportunity to go back, I would change so many things.
Just Got Off the Bus
“Mother, I’ll be ready to leave for the airport in about thirty minutes.”
“Okay, honey. I have to run to the store right quick; I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.”
“Okay, don’t be late. I don’t want to miss my flight.” After my relationship with Patrick ended, I started thinking about what I was going to do with my life and what type of career I wanted. I wanted to get out of town, do something bigger and better, and leave all my demons behind. I decided to transfer from Spelman to New York University. Ella was now attending grad school at the Fashion Institute of Technology in Manhattan, so the location was perfect. She said I could stay with her until I found my own place. I was looking forward to beginning my new life.
The phone rang as I was packing up my last bag.
“Hi, I wanted to say bye before you left.” I recognized Lisa’s voice, and my first instinct was to hang up. We hadn’t spoken since the day I cursed her out for revealing my secret to Patrick. But I was leaving, starting a new life, and there was no need to hold a grudge.
“Thanks, Lisa,” I said blandly.
“What time does your flight leave?”
“In a couple of hours. I’m leaving soon though—you know how hectic the airport can be.”
“Yeah, I know. Tyler, I want to tell you something before you leave.”
“What?” I said indifferently.
“I never said sorry for telling Patrick about the abortion. I know I swore that I told him by accident, but you were right; it was intentional.”
“But why?” Now I was curious about her confession.
“Tyler, you were always the prettiest, and all the guys liked you. Of course, I never understood why you dumped Chad for that deranged Trey…but anyway then you had Patrick, and you had no time for anybody else. You were always showing off the ice he gave you or the shopping sprees he took you on, and I was sick of you flossing in his Benz all the time.”
“So you were jealous,” I said abruptly.
“Yeah, I was jealous. I knew Patrick would dump you if he found out the truth, and I wanted to make sure he did. I know that is malicious, Tyler, and now I feel terrible. I feel like you’re leaving because of what I did, and I don’t want you to leave.” Part of me wished Lisa had kept her confession to herself because it wasn’t going to bring Patrick back to me; but then maybe I needed to hear it to finally close the door on my life in Georgia.
“Lisa, I don’t know what to say. We’ve been friends forever and you are like a sister to me, but I have to leave. There are too many painful memories for me here, and I’m in search of happiness. I can’t get that in Georgia. But Lisa, I accept your apology, and I will always love you.”
“I love you too, Tyler, and please don’t forget about me. Pick up the phone and call sometime.”
“I will.” I hung up the phone feeling a sense of closure. I looked around my room and stood admiring the Barbie collection I began when I was five years old. It made me revisit all the dreams I had growing up as a little girl. Leaving was the first step to accomplishing the life I had visualized. Even with all the drama I engaged in, I always wanted to be somebody. Staying focused was my biggest obstacle. I continuously went back and forth being with some man in some relationship that kept me off course, but now for the first time I had a preliminary sketch. All the details weren’t mapped out, but I was letting go of the past and opening a new door. I was full of anticipation of what could be waiting for me. Maybe my world hadn’t been perfect, but I decided that I would go to New York City, start fresh, and leave all my secrets behind.
When I arrived in New York, I tried to leave the past behind me. Inside I felt like I had “just got off the bus,” but I knew I had to put on my game face. There were endless opportunities there for me, and though I had made a ton of mistakes thus far in my journey, the mistakes were still mine to make. I take full responsibility for all of them. Always remember one thing. If you take responsibility and blame yourself, you have the power to change things. But if you put responsibility on someone else, then you are giving them the power to decide your fate.
On January 8, 1
999, I reached New York. Once I got off that plane, I had stars in my eyes and money to burn—or so I thought. Ella let me stay in her dorm-style apartment with her two roommates until I found a place of my own. I wasn’t able to get campus housing, which I didn’t want anyway. I figured I would get an apartment of my own. I later found out that apartment hunting in New York City wasn’t quite that easy. Instead of getting a part-time job, I opted to whoop it up with Ella all over town. We splurged on shopping sprees, wined and dined at fancy restaurants, reveled in Broadway shows; we just balled. There was almost twenty thousand dollars in the envelope Patrick gave me, but we all know that if you have no money coming in and you are running around spending, then twenty thousand dollars is no money. Hey, I was young. The best thing I did was spend the last bit I had on securing a cozy room in an apartment building on Seventy-seventh and Broadway. Within a month, I had gone through all my money.
I was attending NYU and pursuing my dream of becoming an actress. I figured my big break was right around the corner. Ella and I were sitting in her room watching TV, and she asked me about my future plans.
“So, Tyler, now that you’re here, what exactly do you want to do? I mean, while you’re attending school, because of course that comes first.”
“Well, I figured I would concentrate on the books and juggle acting auditions. Maybe do the Broadway circuit and then get into film; I mean, how hard can it be? Look at all the no-talent faces in the movie and music business today.”