Dirty little secrets

by Deja King

  Just then my friend Rob walked in with a couple of guys. He came over to our table and bought us a bottle of Cristal and we started kicking it. Due to my pregnancy I opted not to have a glass of champagne, but instead sipped my juice and watched as Rob and Courtney got tipsy. Rob, who was also in the music business, invited us to go to LA to do a little partying, a little shopping. In my mind I didn’t have a boyfriend anymore, and I needed to frolic. Plus Courtney was excited because Rob was the cat she’d told me she had a crush on. Here was her opportunity; Rob was a genuine guy and would treat her right—so she eagerly gave him the digits. Rob and his friends were headed to Missy Elliott’s party, so we tagged along. We had a blast. I couldn’t help but ask myself why I was going through a whole bunch of bullshit with Brian when whooping it up at the club was so much more fun. I partied until four o’clock in the morning, and by the time my head hit the pillow the sun was rising. That afternoon, I called Courtney. She was acting like everything was cool, not telling me she had talked to Brian again. My phone beeped and it was him.

  “Tyler, what do I have to do to prove to you that I’m not with my baby mother? You know if I was going to take anybody out of town, it would be you,” Brian pleaded.

  “Give me the number of your hotel so I can call to see if you are where you say you are.”

  “I’m in the car, but I’ll be back at the hotel in ten minutes. I’ll call you with the number the minute I set foot in my room.”

  Lounging on the plush white sofa, I held on to the phone, anticipating Brian’s call. It was a beautiful afternoon and the sun beamed through the huge bay windows. I rubbed my stomach, fantasizing about the baby growing inside me when a knock at the door brought me back to reality. Thinking maybe it was the concierge delivering a package, I opened the door. To my despair, standing before me was Brian with the look of death in his eyes.

  Before I could utter a word, one left hook landed me on the thick off-white carpet, pleading for Brian’s mercy. But there would be no mercy. He turned around, slammed the door, and proceeded to stomp with his Timberland boots over my entire body, staying clear of my stomach. “You were out all night fucking around with Rob, you fucking whore…. I set you up! You want to act like a whore, I’m gonna treat you like a whore!” he said, grabbing my hair and dragging me into the bedroom. I could feel the carpet burns on my legs. “Suck my dick like the whore you are,” Brian growled when we reached the bedroom. Then he pushed down my head, forcing me to perform oral sex.

  As the tears streamed down my face, Brian continued with his tirade: “You deserve to die, you trifling bitch. I’ma show you how whores get fucked.” He grabbed my arms, threw me down on the bed, and had rage-fueled rough sex with me. Tears were rolling down my face, and I turned my head to the side, praying for the moment this depraved act would be over. Brian was breathing hard, and his adrenaline was pumping as if the repugnant episode was turning him on. After pounding my body, he stood up, took all of my clothes and shoes out of the closet and drawers, and threw them on the floor. He ranted and raved for the next fifteen minutes, finally bellowing, “Have this shit cleaned up by the time I get back.” Then he left.

  Feeling ashamed, I sat on the bed and cried for hours until falling into a deep sleep. Later that night Brian’s warm body against mine woke me up. He whispered in my ear, “Tyler, please wake up.”

  “I’m up,” I said quietly.

  “Baby, I should’ve never gone off on you like that, but when Courtney said you were with Rob all night, I lost it. You’re sacred to me. I put you on a pedestal, and the thought of anyone touching you drives me crazy.”

  “But Brian, I wasn’t with Rob like that. We’re old friends, nothing else.”

  “Well, Courtney said you were going to LA to hang out with him.”

  “Courtney was saying an awful lot. Did she mention that she gave Rob her number because she wants to date him?”

  “Nah, she didn’t mention that.”

  “I figured as much. She was so busy trying to score brownie points with Leon that she sold me out…. But Brian, that doesn’t change what you did to me today or your going to Aruba with Beverly.”

  “Tyler, I swear I wasn’t in Aruba with Beverly. How the fuck am I going to be in Aruba with her yesterday and be back here today with you?” I asked myself the same thing, but still I believed he had been in Aruba. Thinking about what I might do knowing he was with Beverly drove him so crazy that he cut his trip short and came home. It was just as easy for him to catch a flight from LA as from Aruba.

  Whatever problems Brian had, I couldn’t escape the realization that I was sick for staying in the relationship. I needed to put the welfare of my unborn baby ahead of this sickness I shared with Brian. But before I could make a final decision, there were some questions I needed answered.

  Sitting on the barstool tapping my finger on the glass table, I picked up the cordless to place a much needed phone call. “Hi. Is this Beverly?” I asked solemnly.

  “Who’s calling?” she responded with underlined attitude.

  “This is Tyler Blake.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Listen, I’m not trying to cause you problems, but I need to ask you a few questions. I’m at a crossroad in my relationship with Brian, and I hoped you could clarify a few of my concerns.”

  “Crossroad?” She paused and smacked her lips. “What do you mean, a crossroad?”

  “A turning point. I was told Brian took you and the baby on a vacation to Aruba. He has adamantly denied it and says your relationship is solely based on your daughter, that there isn’t any sort of romantic dalliances jumping off. Is he telling the truth, or is he making you the same sort of promises he’s making me?”

  “I can’t speak for Brian because he is his own man, but I will tell you this. I’m the mother of his child, so no matter what you think you have with him, it doesn’t compare to our bond. You know he has a child with me, so you need to just let him go.”

  “For your information, Brian didn’t tell me about you or his daughter; I found out from a mutual friend. After being caught in his lie, he took responsibility and said he only wanted to be there for his daughter. I’m trying to find out if his lies are continuing or if he is being honest with me about his relationship with you.”

  “I’m not about to ease your mind, because now you do know about me and the baby. If you were any type of woman, you would let Brian go so he can be with his family. But you’re probably nothing but a whore anyway.”

  Do people ever grow tired of throwing the word whore around? It’s so juvenile and pathetic. It’s as if you can’t extend your vocabulary and think of anything better to say, so you just use the whore word.

  After hanging the phone up with Beverly, I was more torn than ever. Brian had her so programmed that she wouldn’t reveal any of his dirt. But she still managed to leave me feeling guilty because of their daughter. But I too was carrying Brian’s child, and our son or daughter deserved a stable life. I was so confused and couldn’t comprehend any of it. What you don’t understand is what you fear the most, and I was tired of being afraid of the unknown.

  As Brian strolled through the front door, my legs became weak and I sat down. When he walked down the hall toward me, I admired his perfect cinnamon complexion and beautiful smile, and I visualized the gorgeous baby he would give me.

  “Hi, baby,” Brian said as he kissed me on my forehead. He walked back toward the kitchen and went in the refrigerator and pulled out a Heineken.

  “Brian, we need to talk.”

  “If it’s about your conversation with Beverly, I’m not mad. I understand you have some concerns and questions. Did you get the answers that you need?” I was so surprised by Brian’s laid-back attitude that I almost lost my train of thought. But I quickly regrouped and continued.

  “Actually I did.” Brian’s eyebrows raised, and he ogled me quizzically. He’d assumed that Beverly hadn’t told me a damn thing, when what she didn’t say spoke volu
mes.

  “Really, what was that?”

  “Brian, we can’t be together anymore. I want you to be a part of our baby’s life, but our relationship is over.” I let out a long sigh, feeling relieved the words had finally come out.

  “Tyler, if you’re concerned about my relationship with Beverly, it’s almost taken care of. I’m going to let her have the condo, and you and I are going to get a house together. I was trying to be diplomatic with her because you know how women can get sometimes. I was afraid she’d wild out and threaten to keep my daughter away from me and take me to the cleaners for a whole bunch of child support. But we’ve worked past that, and she’s accepting the fact that we’re not getting back together.”

  “I don’t believe you, because the Beverly I spoke to hasn’t accepted anything. But for argument’s sake, let’s just say you’re telling the truth. It’s too late. The damage has already been done. I should’ve left you when I first found out about Beverly and the baby, but I couldn’t let go. I was determined to make you suffer and feel the same pain that you caused me. You ripped my heart out, Brian, and I wanted to rip out yours. But it didn’t work. All I accomplished was further destroying myself.”

  “Tyler, just stop; stop this nonsense. You know we belong together, and no matter what you say, you’ll never leave me.”

  “I believed that to be true at one time, but it isn’t the case anymore. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like the person staring back at me. I continue to go from one abusive relationship to another, and it has to stop. This relationship is so twisted that you actually recorded my phone conversations so you could know my every thought. You’re sick, and so am I. Somewhere in my life I stopped loving me, and now I have to find that love again, because without it I’ll never be happy.” Brian moved near me and stroked my face, as he knelt his head down to place a kiss on my lips. I turned my cheek.

  “Baby, I love you,” Brian whispered.

  “Sometimes love isn’t enough,” I said, pushing him out of the way.

  “Are you sure this is what you want, Tyler?”

  “Yes, this is what I need to do for me and our baby. Our child doesn’t deserve to grow up in a household full of dysfunction. We owe it more than that.” Brian stood there shaking his head, speechless. “I do want you to be part of the baby’s life and mine, but as a friend.”

  “That’s funny. You honestly believe that with all we’ve been through we can somehow be just friends? I don’t think so…and I’ll tell you what else. I’m not going to make it easy for you to walk out of my life. That baby you’re carrying is mine. I own it, just like I own you. By the time you give birth, you’ll be begging me to take you back because you’ll have nothing.”

  “What are you talking about? Are you saying you’re not going to give me any financial support during my pregnancy?”

  “You’re fucking right. You think I’m going to pay you to leave me?” Brian grabbed my hand and snatched off the engagement ring he had given me less than six months earlier.

  “This isn’t about you. This is about the child I’m carrying. How am I supposed to support myself?”

  “You should’ve thought about that before you stepped on your soapbox.” Brian turned his back on me and walked away. I sat down to digest the conversation. Would Brian really leave me pregnant with no sort of financial assistance? I couldn’t fathom that reality.

  The phone rang early in the morning. To my dismay I had fallen asleep on the couch. The microwave clock said it was only eight thirty, and for a moment I wished I had taken the phone off the hook. When I answered it, Chrissie was hysterical. “Tyler, what the fuck happened? I came in the office this morning, and the locks were changed. All my stuff was packed up in boxes and stacked outside the door. When I called the building manager to find out what the fuck was going on, he said Mr. McCall told him the company was under new management and to change the locks.”

  “What!” I said, stunned.

  “You fucking heard me! When I called Brian, he said my services were no longer needed and any further questions should be directed to you. So what the hell happened?” By this point I had lain back on the floor spread-eagle style, looking at the ceiling and believing I was caught in a nightmare.

  “Chrissie, I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t want your damn apology. I want to know what the fuck is going on. I put my heart and soul into this business, and Brian in a blink of an eye can just pull the rug out from under me? This is outrageous!”

  “It’s a long story, but Brian and I broke up. The decision was mine and I knew he wasn’t happy with it, but never did I think he would go this far.”

  “This man is turning my life upside down over some girlfriend-slash-boyfriend drama? You have to be kidding me. He’s not going to get away with this. I will sue that psychotic motherfucker.”

  “Chrissie, wait,” I said, but she had already hung up. Brian sent his message loud and clear. If possible he would take everything from me and leave me with nothing. Immediately my mind kicked into survival mode. I called my bank to check the balance in my savings account. I had ten thousand dollars, which would barely cover two months’ rent. I looked down at my ringless finger and went to my jewelry box to see what items I could sell. I had a couple of tennis bracelets, diamond studs, a Chopard watch, and the diamond necklace Ian bought me. The items would bring me a nice piece of change, but my bills were large, and on top of that I had medical expenses due to the baby. My head was spinning and I needed to calm down. Without a second thought, I called Mother.

  “Mommy,” I shrilled, sounding five years old when Mother picked up.

  “Tyler, what’s wrong and why are you calling so early?” Mother was never an early bird, but this couldn’t wait.

  “Mother, I told Brian that I don’t want to be with him anymore but I want us to remain friends for the sake of the baby. All has gone downhill since then. He shut down Chrissie’s and my business, and he has threatened to cut me off financially.”

  “Pull it together, Tyler, and stop all that crying. What did you expect for Brian to do, roll out the red carpet? You need to swallow your pride and tell him you want him back,” Mother stated firmly.

  “But, Mother, he’s abusive, and I don’t know what his relationship is with his baby mother. There are just too many issues, and they are making my life miserable.”

  “Get over it. Brian is an excellent provider and you’re carrying his child. His baby mother is irrelevant as long as he continues to give you everything you want and need. It’s time for you to get your priorities in order.”

  “But, Mother, I want someone to really love me.”

  “Stop living in a fantasy world, Tyler. Brian does love you, the best way he knows how. I’m not saying he is perfect, but he treats you good and will always take excellent care of you and the baby. What more do you want?”

  “Self-respect, honesty, and a little loyalty would be nice,” I said sarcastically. Mother was so caught up in the financial security Brian could provide, that she ignored my cries of abuse. In her mind she assumed it was mental abuse, and Mother believed that was just part of the torture you endured in being with a man. No, I had never told her that it was mental and physical abuse, but part of me wondered if it would’ve made a difference.

  “I gave you my advice. Take him back, enjoy your pregnancy, and relax. You’re making this way too complicated.”

  “Mother, I don’t want Brian back. Our relationship isn’t healthy. I need you to help me, Mother. Would you please send me some money?”

  “No.” Mother said point-blank. “I’m not going to fund your stupidity. You have a man right there who can give you anything that you want. Call him.”

  “Don’t you hear me? I hate myself when I’m with him. I’m begging you to please help me.”

  “Sorry, Tyler, you’re on your own. I hope you will come to your senses and reconcile with Brian, because I will not be sending you any money. And don’t even think about callin
g your father because he is in the south of France with his new wife.”

  “Mother, don’t do this to me. You never take my feelings into consideration. All my life you’ve done what you wanted and ignored what was going on inside of me. You’ve never even apologized for taking my real father away from me. But what makes it worse is that he never came back for me. If my own father didn’t want me, I could never believe that any other man would. That’s why I allowed myself to be mistreated for so long, because I never felt worthy of love. I still don’t. But I have a baby growing inside me, and I refuse for this child to have the same miserable existence that I had.”

  “Stop being so dramatic; your hormones are in overdrive due to the pregnancy. You have no idea what you’re talking about. But this too shall pass, and it will all work out. You and Brian will be back together in no time. After the baby is born, I’ll come visit you. Now, dear, I really want to get a couple more hours of sleep. I’ll speak to you later.” Once again Mother wrote off my cry for help, leaving me to turn to a man who constantly hurt me.

  I called Brian and pleaded with him one last time to do the right thing and help me financially. He simply said, “You should never bite the hand that feeds you,” and hung up.

  I sat back for a minute trying to determine exactly when my life went to shambles. Here I was six months pregnant, contemplating my financial resources in order to get through my horrendous circumstances. I scrolled through the yellow pages, calling all jewelry stores that bought merchandise and seeing who offered the best prices. I narrowed my search down to three, gathered my goods, got dressed, and headed out.

  “Ms. Blake, Mr. Dunn will see you now,” the pretty receptionist said, escorting me through the glass doors. When Brian refused to budge financially, Chrissie said it was time to get an attorney. She referred me to some top dogs in Woodbridge, New Jersey, and luckily I got a decent amount of money for the jewelry I sold, so I could afford them.