by Anne Bone
She found that lying on Mary’s bed, in her little bedroom that was adorned with all her precious things, was one way of feeling close to her. She looked around the room now at the pretty pink wallpaper that Mary had chosen with the pink roses that climbed up and down the walls. Mary had liked this, as she would lie and count the roses when she couldn’t get to sleep. Jenni had tried the same strategy but it hadn’t worked for her, all she could think about was: Where was her lovely little girl lying now?
On one side of the wall was a cork board, one of the very few things that Marcus had actually done was to hang this on the wall, so that Mary to pin up the pictures that she so loved to paint and draw. Jenni stood up and went again to look at them, such lovely colours and happy pictures. One of her child’s paintings was especially poignant, that of one of her and Mary holding hands. Beside it was an actual photograph of the two of them and Jenni recalled how, one Saturday, Mary had rushed through to the kitchen to show her the painting she had copied from the photo. She had been so pleased and happy that she had captured a likeness of the two. Jenni had taken her and hugged her, even though to her mind the two figures in the picture showed little resemblance to the two people in the photo.
If only she could hug her now. Jenni was cried out, she just felt numb and exhausted. She felt a sense that a limb was missing from her, and yet she couldn’t identify which limb. Inside her there was a large boulder that sat at the bottom of her stomach, and it didn’t move, it seemed like it was lodged there, dragging her down so that she could hardly walk.
Mary meant everything to Jenni. Her life meant nothing without her. Sure, every mother would have a similar sentiment, every mother wanted to protect their child. She couldn’t help thinking she had failed her child. If only she hadn’t agreed to her walking home herself, she should have been there at the school gates waiting for her, then, she would still be here, safe, and sleeping in her own bed.
Jenni found her mind drifting back to the moment when she discovered she was pregnant. It had been a blow, a shock. They had always been so careful, she took the pill religiously, she remembered how she had searched her memory for when it could have happened, and then it came to her it must have been the time when she had had a sickness bug. She never gave it a thought at the time, but she could not think of how else it would have happened.
She remembered when she had broken the news to Marcus. They had been eating dinner at the flat, she had cooked him his favourite, cottage pie, not an exotic meal like he would be used to eating, but he claimed she cooked the best cottage pie on earth. She had been quiet and he had remarked on this, asking her whether anything was the matter. She couldn’t hold it in any longer and had blurted it out. His first response was to ask her, was she sure, and then, how far gone was she? She had told him eight weeks, she had been to the doctors and it had been confirmed that day. She hadn’t shared with him before her worry, that her period was late, she wasn’t sure why, she supposed she might have just been blanking the whole thing out.
He had then asked her what she wanted to do. He implied without saying the words that an abortion would not be a problem, if she wanted one. She had shaken her head, and looked him straight in the eye and told him that an abortion was not an option. She had explained that while she was not religious she didn’t believe in abortions.
He had known that there would be no point at all in trying to change her mind, so they agreed that they would make plans so that she would have the child, and he would support her in the best and only way he could. Finance would, he assured her, never be a problem.
He found the flat, and purchased it, telling her that it would be hers. She hadn’t had the opportunity of flat hunting with her lover, but accepted that the one he chose was a pleasantly snug three bedroom flat in a nice quiet tenement, in a peaceful area. While she missed the viewing of the flat she was able to have some say in decorating it, in fact, she insisted that she wanted to decorate it herself. After some mumblings and murmuring from Marcus about not being silly in her condition, she had won and he supplied the materials. She had also chosen all the furnishings; Marcus placed a significant amount of funds in her bank account. So while she chose simple hard wearing furniture she had put her own mark on the flat, and there was no doubt, it was her home.
What had been missing was sharing her home with her lover. Marcus still visited about once a week, although he no longer stayed the night. He suggested that she return to their lovers pad, but she refused. If he couldn’t stay with her in her home, then on principle she wouldn’t stay at his place. They still found time to make love, and she listened while he told her that she was the only woman for him. Did she believe him? Sometimes she did, while other times she found herself getting angry and wondering whether anyone else was sharing his bed, apart from Veronica.
When Mary had been born, she had delivered her without him being by her side. The five days she had spent in the maternity hospital had been mixed with the enchantment of her beautiful baby, and disappointment that even during the most important time in her life neither of her parents nor her lover had thought how they could put aside their personal issues and visit her in hospital. There had been a large bouquet of flowers sent, with just an X and the letter M, that was all, nothing else.
When she had returned home, she had been like every other young mother, scared. She wanted to do things right. One of her first visitors, however, was Marcus. He arrived after dark, she heard his key in the door and then he was there, looking handsome and suave just as he always did. She forgave him just as she always did. She remembered placing Mary in his arms, and was enthralled by the look that transferred between him and his daughter. She could only describe it as magical. The love and then the tears she saw in those wonderful warm hazelnut brown eyes of this big, powerful man, were such that they destroyed all doubt that he was going to do his best for her.
Indeed, Marcus continued to visit, and they continued with the farce, that he was a family friend. Every birthday and Christmas he made a point of visiting them, bringing with him presents for his daughter, whom he clearly loved, although Mary had never been able to call him dad, it was always Uncle Marcus. She had kept his secret and, yet, for all the love professed, where had he been since Monday, carrying on with his life? Today, would he come today? as surely once he was back in Aberdeen he would know that she needed him.
Jenni wondered for a millionth time, whether Veronica knew, surely she must know. Their affair had been going on now for nearly eleven years, surely she must have either heard rumours or had some knowledge that this wasn’t just a short fling. Plainly, Marcus covered his tracks well. She knew that she only ever had to phone him at his office, she would never call him on his home number. She was pretty sure Joan, his secretary, knew. She never asked questions but always got a message to Marcus to call her if he wasn’t in the office. There was no doubt that she, Jenni, made the best type of mistress, one who rarely made demands and, more importantly, was more discreet than a priest.
Jenni looked at the Bugs Bunny beside clock and realised that it was nearly midday. She listened to the movement in the flat, having heard Diane Crombie arrive earlier, and her mother letting herself out of the flat to go and shop. Jenni stirred and forced herself to leave the sanctity of her child’s room to go to the outside world, even though that only consisted of her flat.
Diane welcomed her with her natural smile, although it was tinged with worry. ‘Jenni, how are you today, did you sleep?’
Jenni tried to make her face smile. ‘I am alright, I suppose I must have dosed off here and there. Is there any news, have they traced the sighting in Stirling?’ She hoped with all her heart that the police officer might have something to tell her.
Diane shook her head. ‘Sorry, nothing yet, they have a couple of leads; they traced a couple of people on the train and got a good description of the man, so they are still searching. If there is anything to report you would be the first to know, I can assure you of that.’<
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I am singing my special song in my head, it is the one me mam always sings to me. When I woke up today, and remembered the song, I started to sing it. I am singing it over and over again.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away.
I am thinking of me mam, and when I sing it feel for a moment that she is near. I can hear her voice singing it, in my ear; I can feel her touching my face and kissing my cheek. Oh Mam! I do wish you were here with me. I am crying and the tears are wetting my face, I think if I keep singing our song she will always feel close to me. I can’t sing it out loud because my tears are choking me, so I sing it in my head.
The door is opening and he is coming, he is standing by my bed smiling, his green cat eyes are staring down at me. He is telling me to get up and follow him, that I need to have a bath and change my clothes, and that we might have a lesson today. I don’t want a lesson, I just want me mam, and to go to my proper school with all my pals. I don’t say anything, and I do as he tells me. I am still singing the song in my head: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…
Chapter 11
Aberdeen
Marcus was quiet during the flight from Malaga. Veronica silently observed, and was aware that since Wednesday there had been a shift in her husband’s mood. It had to be something about his call from Joan. She hadn’t asked him what the call was about, Veronica wasn’t silly, she knew her husband too well and knew she would get a sharp retort, and it would only serve to increase his moodiness.
She did her best to smooth over the tense atmosphere, just as she continued to do at the moment. Tom appeared oblivious to his father’s temperament, he was probably completely desensitised to it, having had so many years to accept that there were times when you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Veronica was more concerned that Kim wouldn’t understand and would maybe think that she and Marcus had had a row. This couldn’t be further from the truth, they didn’t row. She couldn’t remember the last row they had had; they, like many couples, had rowed in the early days of their marriage, but this had changed just as their relationship had over the past twenty-six years. In the early years she couldn’t and didn’t enjoy being set aside for everything else that was deemed to be more important, and this had irritated her beyond belief. It was the business, it took his energy, she knew that he only came alive when he was wheeling and dealing; and she had learned that meant asking no questions as to where he was. She had been aware that there had been other women, she wasn’t that naïve; however, she also knew she was safe in terms of the insurance she held that he would not leave her for another.
Tom and Derek had always featured highly in Marcus’s priorities: he loved his sons and was, and still is, a good father. The boys both loved and respected their father; they had enjoyed the privileged lifestyle that he had provided. Both attended Robert Gordon’s College and their private education had paid off. Tom had qualified as an accountant and had recently been made a junior partner in a highly regarded practice in Aberdeen. Derek, at age twenty-three, had gained an excellent degree in law at St Andrews, but as of yet hadn’t secured a job. He was currently backpacking around Australia. There was no doubt that Marcus was proud, although this was tinged with a slight disappointment that neither of his sons had shown any interest in working with him in the business. He often was heard to joke that the business couldn’t fail as they now had their own accountant and lawyer.
Marcus had had his head buried in The Scotsman since their stopover at Heathrow. He had wandered off while they had been waiting for their flight to Aberdeen and returned with a number of newspapers tucked under his arm. Since they had boarded the flight he had been non-communicative and Veronica had had to nudge him a few times to respond to the stewardess as she offered him some refreshments. While they were drinking the coffee that the stewardess had just poured for them, she had attempted to engage him in conversation.
‘Did you hear Kim, when we were in Heathrow, say that her parents have invited us for supper tonight, darling? So thoughtful of them as they thought that it would save me cooking.’ She took a sip of her coffee. ‘Kim was so pleased to phone them and tell them what a lovely time she had had. She is such a kind girl, don’t you agree?’
Marcus continued to drink his coffee without comment. Veronica tried again, ‘So, darling, are you happy to accept the invitation, as Kim can let them know when we land, her father is meeting her at the airport?’
‘I am not sure, in fact, I don’t think I will manage, I have some business to attend to.’ He continued to read the article although he wasn’t sure how much was being processed in his muddled brain. He did know one thing for sure, and that was he didn’t want to go out to dinner tonight and have to socialise with Kim’s parents.
‘Oh really, surely Marcus you are not going to have to work this evening? I sort of expected that you would have to dive off and go straight to the office, but this evening surely you can make that?’ She couldn’t help but let a tinge of irritation creep into her voice. She was trying hard to build the relationship with Kim’s parents, David and Connie, after all, they would be related at the end of the year when Kim and Tom married. She felt that there was very little effort being undertaken by her husband to get to know their son’s future in-laws. She wasn’t sure why, as to her mind Kim’s parents were just the type of people they had always hoped for. David was a very well-respected GP, and the family mixed in the same social circle as they did.
Marcus had continued with his silence, not answering or giving any excuses or reasons as to why he wouldn’t be available for supper tonight. He knew that Veronica would dream up something and make it sound as though this was from both of them.
The flight landed at a quarter past two in the afternoon, on time. Kim’s father, David, met them as they reached the baggage carrousel. Kim hugged him as Tom shook his hand.
Veronica did not exhibit any sense of embarrassment, as she explained that she had completely forgotten that they had already had arrangements to go out to supper with friends of Marcus’s tonight, so wouldn’t manage to spend the evening with them.
‘That’s a shame,’ replied David, ‘hope you can manage though, Tom. As usual, Connie’s cooked enough to feed at least five thousand.’
Tom smiled affectionately at his future father-in-law. ‘Love too, thanks, David, Connie’s suppers are always first class.’
As the group stood waiting for the luggage to arrive, Veronica disappeared to the ladies, and David struck up conversation with Marcus. ‘So, good break?’ he asked.
‘Yes, it was very nice. Good hotel and the weather very congenial. I had a bit of business to attend to, and once that had been completed there was plenty of time to enjoy the facilities. How’s the weather been back here?’ he asked, for no other reason than to try and pass the time.
‘Yes, it’s been reasonable, of course the last few days have been difficult in Aberdeen, you may have heard there is a young girl who has gone missing.’
Marcus tried to compose his face before he answered, making sure that David would not notice that he held a special interest, ‘Yes, I read something in the newspaper, terrible. I take it they haven’t found anything?’
‘No, nothing, and a nine year old, it’s looking very grim I have to say, and the poor mother is beyond herself as you can imagine. She is registered with our practice and my partner has been visiting every day. It’s not looking good as the police have apparently very little to go on. Some suggestion that she may have been taken by a man in Stirling, but so far that’s all there seems to be.’
David did not notice how Marcus’s face twitched as he heard this information. Firstly, he hadn’t known of the connection between Jenni and David’s GP practice and, secondly, the thought of wee Mary being in Stirling with some unknown male infuriated him.
The baggage carrousel suddenly clunked to life and started to spit out
the suitcases. This prevented any further conversation, much to Marcus’s relief. Quite quickly the group’s luggage was spotted circulating towards them. Tom managed to get to the cases first where he thrust them off the moving carousel and placed them together. Kim and her father collected hers and with all the party reunited with their cases, they made their way to the exit. David apologised that his car wouldn’t be large enough to give them all a lift home, but Marcus waved his apology away, saying that he was not to worry at all, they would get a taxi from one of the many that were sitting in the rank outside of the airport.
Soon they were on their way, Marcus choosing to sit beside the driver, leaving Tom and Veronica to sit in the back seat. As soon as they reached their home, Marcus paid the driver and assisted Tom in carrying the cases, while Veronica used her key to unlock the front door.
The house smelt of a slight musty smell, the consequence of being closed up for ten days. Veronica immediately opened the window in the lounge and hallway before making her way through to the kitchen to fill the kettle. She always enjoyed that first British cup of tea when she returned from abroad. Thankfully, their cleaner had done as requested and put some fresh milk and bread into the fridge. She supposed now that they were not going to eat out she would have to raid the freezer to find something for her own supper. Clearly, Marcus would be left to make his own arrangements as per usual.
While she was intent on getting her tea made, Marcus carried their two suitcases up the stairs where he deposited them in their large master bedroom. He didn’t bother to open his, but immediately returned downstairs where he picked up his car keys. He placed his head around the kitchen door where he casually said, ‘I am off now, not sure when I will be back, so don’t worry about supper for me, and I will sort myself out.’