To Meghan’s horror, she burst into tears. She wasn’t sure who the tears surprised more, Mark or herself. All she knew was the tension, the pressure, the utter agony of loving Seth spilled from her in huge gulping sobs.
“Gosh, Meghan, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I asked,” Mark exclaimed.
She laughed through her tears as she saw the ex pression on Mark’s face…an expression of helpless terror. He raced to the water cooler and got a paper cup of water, then returned to her and held it out.
“Here…drink this.”
She took a swallow of the water and struggled for control. Drawing several deep breaths, she withdrew a handful of tissues from her purse and swiped at her tears. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“I didn’t mean to make that happen,” Mark said.
She offered him a watery smile. “You didn’t.” The smile fell away beneath the weight of her inner turmoil. “Oh Mark, I’ve gone and done a dumb thing. I’ve fallen back in love with my ex-husband.”
Mark emitted a soft, deep whistle. “And what does Seth think about this?”
“Who knows? And in any case, what difference does it make? The problems that drove us apart will always stand between us.” She dabbed at her eyes once again, wondering how it was possible for a broken heart to break all over again? “There’s absolutely no future for me and Seth.” She said the last words with a note of finality.
“I’m sorry, Meghan. I always thought you and Seth were great together. I don’t know what your problems were before, but it’s too bad they can’t be solved.”
Too bad they can’t be solved. You and Seth were great together. Mark’s words echoed in Meghan’s head as she drove home a little while later.
She didn’t know if Seth still loved her or not. In the time he’d been in her home, he’d said nothing to indicate that he did. But, even if he did love her, she couldn’t live with the knowledge that each time he walked out the front door, he might be killed or maimed in the line of duty.
She’d lived that particular fear all through her childhood years. She refused to relive it through her marriage.
But for the past six days, she’d felt almost like she and Seth were reliving their marriage. Although they had not made love again, their evenings had been spent like many married couples, playing with their son and enjoying one another’s company.
If only things could be like that forever, she thought as she drove home. If only Seth would stay forever. But she knew that wasn’t possible. The moment she found the information he sought, he’d be off and running on a mission that would put his life at risk.
And she would once again be left alone to pick up the pieces of her life. This time she’d move forward with her life and never again look back, never again allow Seth entry into her heart.
For now, he had once again become firmly lodged in her heart and she knew heartache was inevitable, but that didn’t make it easier for her to stop loving Seth.
Him being here for the holiday was like a perverse gift from fate, a second chance to get it wrong. But she also knew the memories of this time with Seth and Kirk would warm her on many cold, lonely nights to come.
Just enjoy the moment, she told herself as she got out of her car. Don’t think about tomorrow or yesterday, just enjoy having Seth in your life for this moment in time.
“Hello?” she called out as she stepped into the house.
“We’re in here,” Seth yelled from the kitchen.
She hung up her coat, dropped her purse by the hall closet, then walked into the kitchen to see Kirk in his high chair, Seth at the stove, and a glass of wine poured and waiting for her.
“Mama!” Kirk greeted her with a big smile and stretched out his arms for a hug.
She complied, kissing Kirk on his forehead and giving him a tight squeeze. “How’s my baby today?”
“I’m just fine,” Seth replied with an easy grin that warmed Meghan to her toes.
“I was talking about my other baby,” she replied dryly. She kicked off her shoes and sank down at the table, her fingers curling around the glass of wine.
“I think he’s feeling much better. He was into everything today.” Seth removed a pan of soup from the burner. “We’re having soup and sandwiches for dinner.”
“Sounds marvelous,” Meghan replied. “Can I do anything to help?”
“No, I’ve got it under control.” He flashed her that smile that warmed her throughout. “Just sit and relax and give me a little adult conversation.”
She laughed. “You sound like a lonely, frustrated housewife.”
“I’ll tell you what. Cooking and cleaning and taking care of a fourteen-month-old is damn hard work. I don’t know how you’ve managed to do it all alone.”
Meghan shrugged, trying not the remember all the nights she’d longed for somebody to hold her close, rub her back, offer comfort and companionship. “You do what you have to do.”
She watched as Seth pulled the sandwich makings from the refrigerator. As she sipped her wine, she drank in his presence.
He made the sandwiches with an efficiency of movement, maneuvering the kitchen with familiarity. Wearing a burgundy sweater and a pair of jeans, he looked utterly masculine and overwhelmingly attractive.
“Mama,” Kirk said and pointed to her with a smile. “Daddy,” he added, then pointed at Seth.
“Yeah buddy, I’m right here,” Seth answered absently.
A shock rippled through Meghan. When had Kirk begun calling Seth daddy? It was obvious this was not the first time by Seth’s reaction. And why shouldn’t Kirk call him daddy? Seth was Kirk’s father and nothing in the world would ever change that fact.
“Tell me about your day,” Seth said as he placed the plate of sandwiches on the table.
Meghan handed Kirk a cracker. “There isn’t much to tell. We had barbecue for lunch and I told Mark you were here.” She held her breath, waiting for his reaction.
He paused, soup ladle in the air and stared at her in disbelief. “You’re joking.”
“No, I’m not.” Meghan finished the last of her wine. “Seth, you put me in a difficult position.” She hurried to explain in an attempt to ward off Seth’s anger. “Mark was growing more and more suspicious of me. He thought I was selling out to another agency…another government. I had to tell him the truth.”
He set the soup ladle down and walked over to where she sat. She steeled herself for an explosion, but instead he placed his hands gently on her shoulders, his gaze warm as it lingered on her.
“I never considered how difficult things might get for you with Mark.” He leaned down and kissed her gently…sweetly on the forehead. Heat soared through her at the touch of his lips against her skin. “I’m sorry for putting you in that position,” he said, then released her and stepped back to the stove.
“Mark has promised he won’t tell anyone, including Jonah,” she said, and tried to ignore how much she wanted to be in Seth’s arms. “In fact, he’s offered to help in the search for the drugs.”
Seth served the soup and placed the bowls on the table. “I guess two experts are better than one.” He joined her at the table. “As soon as we finish eating, I’ve got to run out for a few minutes.”
She looked at him in surprise. “Run out? I thought you were in hiding here.”
“I am, but something has come up that I have to do.” He reached for a handful of crackers and crumbled them into his soup.
“Seth, what could be so important that you’d risk going out and having somebody see you?” she asked worriedly.
He grinned, that wonderful, lazy, sexy grin that created a ball of warmth in the pit of her stomach. “In case you’ve forgotten, it’s Christmas Eve. As one of Santa’s appointed elves, there are a few things I need to do to make certain the jolly old man’s trip around the world goes smoothly.”
“I think you’re suffering holiday delusion,” Meghan retorted with a laugh.
“Not true
,” he protested. “I’m sure you’re not aware of this, but every Christmas Eve, I don green tights and an elve’s hat and make sure the skyway is clear for Santa’s deliveries.”
Meghan laughed again, trying to imagine her handsome husband in a pair of green tights and an elve’s hat. Her laughter faded as she realized she’d thought of Seth as her husband, not an ex-husband who would be gone when the next assignment called.
Seth flipped the coat collar up around his neck, then grabbed the stocking cap Meghan held out to him. He pulled the cap on his head, then turned to face her. “Would you recognize me?”
“In a heartbeat,” she replied. “But there will be a mob out there, so I think you’ll be okay.” She reached and tucked a strand of his hair up beneath the cap. “You need a haircut.”
“You always tell me that.” Seth fought the desire to wrap his arms around her and pull her tight against him. All he could think about was making love to her again.
She was like a virus, infecting him through and through and like most viruses, there didn’t seem to be a cure.
Too much time alone…too much time cooped up in the house, he thought as he headed out the door. He wasn’t accustomed to having so much time to be introspective, wasn’t used to being in a place that breathed of Meghan.
He drew a deep breath of the cold, evening air and headed for Meghan’s car. Once in the car, he again felt himself surrounded by her presence. Her scent lingered in the air and filled him with a frustrating need.
He headed toward the nearest shopping mall, his thoughts remaining on Meghan. He’d hoped that in making love to her one last time, he’d finally, irrevocably get her out of his system.
However, instead, making love to her had reawakened the love he felt for her, a love that had never really died, but rather had just gone deep into his heart where it couldn’t hurt him anymore.
As he pulled into the packed parking lot of the mall, he shoved these disturbing emotions back deep inside him, refusing to entertain them any further. It was a hopeless situation and he’d rather focus on the immediate problem… Christmas presents for both Meghan and Kirk.
Meghan’s prediction was correct. The mall was jammed with last minute shoppers like himself; harried parents looking for that desired toy, worried husbands seeking redemption in the perfect gift, and irritable salesclerks who had obviously had enough of the retail madness.
Seth joined in the fracas, going from store to store, up and down aisles, seeking what, he wasn’t sure. He only knew he’d know it when he found it.
He was intensely aware that this would be his first gift to Kirk and probably his last to Meghan. He wanted both to be perfect.
It took him nearly two hours to complete the job. Finally, satisfied with his purchases, he headed toward the nearest mall exit.
“Steve! Yoo-hoo.”
The familiar voice stopped him in his tracks. He turned to see Rose hurrying toward him. “Hi, Rose. What are you doing here on the worse shopping night of the year?”
“Not shopping,” she said with a cheerful laugh. “I always come to the mall on Christmas Eve.” She pointed to a sandwich shop. “I sit in there and have a cup of coffee and watch the shoppers.”
A wave of compassion struck Seth for the old woman who had no family. He had a feeling the holiday season was difficult for her and for the first time he wondered how difficult last Christmas had been for Meghan who’d been alone with a two-month-old baby. “Why don’t you come over in the morning and share a cup of coffee with us?” he offered.
“I might just do that,” she said with a wide smile. “Now, what have you got in those bags? Presents for Meghan and Kirk?” She eyed his shopping bags curiously.
“Yeah, I figured I’d better pick up something for them or she’ll kick me out.”
“Let me see what you bought for them.” Rose’s eyes sparkled and Seth realized she was a woman who could gain pleasure by other people’s gifts.
Still he hesitated showing her what he’d bought. Showing her Kirk’s present would be no problem. However, Meghan’s gift was a whole different story. “I got Kirk a little computer that’s supposed to teach him his alphabet and colors and shapes,” he said, hoping that satisfied her.
“That sounds darling.” She gestured for him to open the bag. “Show me.”
Seth took the fancy-boxed toy out of the sack and showed it to her. “Ah, so many buttons and keys…he’ll love it, I’m sure.” She watched him put the toy back in the bag, then waited expectantly. “And for Meghan?” she finally asked.
Seth waved one hand dismissively. “I just got her something to wear,” he said.
“A sweater? A dress?” Rose stepped closer to him, sensing intrigue.
“Not exactly,” Seth stalled, then realized such a technique was like waving fresh meat in front of a starving dog. With a deep sigh of reluctance, he showed Rose what he’d bought Meghan, aware that in doing so he was feeding her suspicions.
“Cousins, indeed,” she scoffed when he’d put the item back in the bag. The smile that had decorated her face since she’d stopped him fell away, replaced by a steely sternness that surprised Seth.
She drew a deep breath and stared him straight in the eyes. “I don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing staying in Meghan’s house. But I’m begging you, don’t hurt that girl. She’s been through a lot and was devastated when her husband left her. She doesn’t need any more pain in her life.”
“I know,” Seth replied softly. “And it’s not my intention to bring her any more pain.”
“Good.” Rose’s smile returned. “Now, you’d better get home and get those wrapped. Maybe I’ll see you in the morning for a cup of coffee.” With a wiggle of several fingers, Rose left and headed in the direction of the sandwich shop.
Seth watched her settle into a chair, then he turned and left the mall. He felt as if he’d swallowed a lead weight as he thought of his words to Rose. He didn’t want to hurt Meghan but he had a feeling it was too late.
In the end, they seemed destined to love one another…and hurt one another.
Chapter 12
“Merry Christmas!”
The deep, familiar voice pierced through Meghan’s sleep and pulled her from sweet dreams. She opened her eyes to see Seth standing next to her bed, a smiling Kirk in his arms.
“Mama,” Kirk said, then laughed with delight as Seth dropped him in the center of the bed. Seth stretched out next to him, a wide grin on his face.
“Merry Christmas,” Meghan replied, her heart warmed by the thought of her bed filled with the men she loved most in the world.
“It snowed all night long,” Seth said. “Kirk wants to go outside and build a snowman.”
“He does?” Meghan reached for her glasses on the nightstand, then propped herself up on an elbow facing Kirk and Seth. “He told you that?”
“He did. When I was changing his diaper and dressing him, he told me he wanted his mommy and daddy to take him outside to play in the snow.”
“Mommy. Daddy.” Kirk echoed, then laughed.
Meghan embraced the moment, and the sight of them in her heart. Seth looked particularly handsome clad in a pair of jeans and a festive red sweater. His hair was slightly disheveled and his eyes sparkled merrily.
“Then I guess I’d better get up and get dressed for some fun in the snow,” Meghan replied.
Seth smiled again, a boyish grin that weakened Meghan’s knees and made her grateful she wasn’t standing. “Come on, Kirk.” Seth stood and scooped the little boy up in his arms. “Let’s get out of here so Mommy can get dressed, then your daddy is going to show you how to make the best snowman in the world.”
Minutes later Meghan rejoined Seth and Kirk in the hallway, where Seth was wrestling Kirk into his snowsuit. “This thing must have been designed by a sadist,” he said as he maneuvered Kirk’s legs into the suit. “There,” he exclaimed triumphantly as he successfully zipped up the bright blue suit.
He lifted Kirk up
and set him on his feet, then turned to Meghan. “Are you sure you’ll be warm enough?” he asked as he took in her red sweat suit.
“I’ll be fine.” She pulled her coat from the closet and buttoned it up, then added a hat, scarf and gloves. As she readied herself, Seth slid his coat and hat on and together the three of them walked out into the wintry wonderland.
It was still snowing big, fat flakes against a gray sky. There was a good five or six inches already on the ground. Kirk took a tentative step, then reached out a hand to Seth.
“It’s snow, buddy,” Seth explained.
“No,” Kirk said in an attempt to repeat.
Meghan watched father and son, and her heart expanded to fill her chest. At the same time, confusing thoughts whirled through her head.
How could she keep this man from his son? His love for Kirk was so overwhelmingly obvious. How could she deny Kirk the pleasure of having Seth in his life?
She had never been so torn over an issue before. Inviting Seth into Kirk’s life on a permanent basis was not without its negative side. What she had to decide was if the positive outweighed the negative.
“Come on, Meg.” Seth flashed her his boyish grin as he began to roll a ball of snow for their snowman.
Shoving aside her tumultuous thoughts, she decided her decision could wait for another day. It was Christmas, and the world was a beautiful blanket of snow, and her husband and son were waiting for her.
It took them quite a while to roll the first ball for the base of their snowman. Seth kept pelting Meghan with snowballs, making her squeal and race around the yard to dodge the cold bombs.
She managed to retaliate by shoving a handful of snow down his back. Kirk watched his parents in amusement, clapping his hands and laughing heartily at their antics.
They finished the base ball of snow and were working on the center one when Rose stuck her head out her front door.
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