She was already through the door and half way down the hallway before she realized she’d even moved away from the bedside. Maeri was on her heels, whispering her name worriedly, begging her to slow her pace. “Leyna, what it is? What is wrong?”
Maeri’s fingers grabbed at Leyna’s skirts, trying to pull her back, shortening the length of her strides. The confusion was too much for Leyna to bear. For so many years she’d been the perfect image of calm and grace while her head was a constantly raging sea of confusion. She doubted she even knew who she was anymore. And why should she know? No one else did.
A novel could be written of the mistakes she’d made. Thirty-four years. Such a superficial amount of time amongst her people! And yet she’d experienced more in those years than many experienced in their entire lifetime. She’d made more mistakes than many of her kinsmen would make throughout centuries. How could she even pretend that she had everything together, perfectly planned out, watching it unfold before her exactly as she intended it to be?
No. Nothing was what she wanted it to be. Her intentions would have brought her and Reina together years ago. Almost decades ago. Nearly twenty years since she’d stuffed fabric into that borrowed gown of Cady’s, thinking she would be able to convince anyone that she was a woman. The only reason anyone believed it was because Thade had told them it was so and they listened. They trusted him. And he kept the wool pulled over their eyes for a girl he didn’t even know himself.
That man now was suffering. She was suffering. Her friends were all suffering. Intentions aside, there was no changing the dark path life was hurtling her down. Still pretending to be older and wiser than she really was. Would there ever be a time when she could stop all the lies and pretending and just be herself? This time the lies had bound her to a man she no longer knew. How utterly fitting it was! She’d lied to him for the better part of six years. He knew nothing of her either. What a perfect couple they made. A marriage of lies and deception.
There was no way out of it. Not now. Not yet. The lies would have to continue if they wanted to have any chance at saving their people. She would have to keep up the façade in order to get closer to the people who would either help her to achieve her goal, or end her suffering with death.
But revenge! If she let herself die, her mother’s life and death would have been in vain. Her mother did everything for her. All of the sacrifices her mother made had been for her, so that she could be free. So that she could live a normal life. This was just another sacrifice Leyna would have to make in honor of her mother. In honor of Reina’s father and sister who died trying to protect them. Even if Reina couldn’t see the love she held for her, she would see that their murderers were brought to justice.
But it was frightening. The one emotion she’d most tried to deny feeling. She was afraid. Not only of the mission, and of death, but of life itself. The web she was weaving would eventually become too tangled and there was no saying what would happen then. Happiness would be impossible. But there were more important things in life than happiness. Weren’t there?
“Leyna, stop!”
Suddenly obeying Maeri’s commands, Leyna ceased her long strides, coming to a halt in front of the door of the house. Clumsily Maeri collided into Leyna’s back, stumbling awkwardly as she tried to regain her balance. Inhaling sharply, Leyna tried to hold in a cry of pain at the pressure of Maeri’s body against the bandage covering the wound left by the needle.
“I cannot answer your question, Maeri. I have no way to know what is wrong. All I know is that I have become something terrible and in the end I fear I will only hurt those closest to me. I think it would be best if I left now before I do anything else which will only worsen the pain I have already caused.”
“Why would you think you have hurt anyone? If anything, you are the one who is suffering. Not us.”
Leyna’s shoulders sank forward, the aching in her back exacerbated by the motion. “When everything is revealed, I fear I will be left alone in the wake of everything I have done.” She turned toward Maeri, grimacing, desperately trying to hold back the tears stinging in her eyes. “How horrible it feels to realize that I do not even know all I have done. Every day I find something else that has been caused by me and I did not even know until it was too late.”
“You aren’t making much sense, Leyna. You should come and sit down. You must have so much built up that you need to talk about. It might help you to get it out.”
Maeri’s emerald eyes were so genuine. A part of Leyna’s heart was warmed at the honesty she saw there, the concern. And Leyna had no way of knowing what her friend had experienced over the last six years, dedicating her life to watching Leyna, to be there for her if anything went awry. Such a selfless existence. Yet here Leyna found herself drowning in her own depression. She felt so selfish!
She couldn’t let the conversation revolve around her. After all that Maeri had given up to be with her, walking away from Faustine’s and a chance at a happy and prosperous marriage to a wealthy man of position. Leyna owed her more than what she was giving now. “Actually, I would rather talk about you,” she smiled, a little oddly. “You have been simply glowing all evening in the presence of Lord Feolan. I want to hear all about you both. Has he been courting you?”
“What?” Her face was crimson. Leyna had managed to strike a chord somewhere, instantly relaxing the strained lines of Maeri’s face, replacing them with the excited smile Leyna had seen so many times while they were in Tanispa. “No. No, he is not courting me. But I think he might want to,” she whispered, her tone hushed to avoid being overheard by the men in the bedroom. “I want him to, at least. He is absolutely perfect in every way. When I think about him, my heart flutters and I feel like wings of butterflies are waving about in my stomach. I loathe the time when I must leave him again to return to Dalonshire, but I know he will come visit me. He likes to surprise me on occasion by showing up at my door.”
Something about the innocent excitement in Maeri’s eyes warmed Leyna’s heart, dousing the intolerable self-pity which had been threatening to drive her insane. “He comes to visit you? That alone sounds to be a good sign of his intentions. Has he said anything to imply his feelings?”
“I think he almost kissed me this evening. We were sitting there on the settee, discussing our concerns in regards to the future. Somehow we got on the topic of what would happen to the two of us, and he said he hoped that no matter what happened, that I would still stay in Siscal. With him. He leaned in close to me, but I panicked,” she breathed. “I leapt up from the settee, claiming I had heard something outside the door and the gods saw fit to enforce my lie by bringing you here.”
“Why did you panic?” Leyna laughed. “You were always the one so anxious to experience such things. I never would have expected you to choke at such a moment.”
“Lord Feolan is not just any man. He is like an image from my dreams. I fear that if I let myself give in so completely that I will wake up and find none of it to be real and my heart will break. Have you ever felt that way about anyone before? Kael, perhaps? Tell me about the engagement? I cannot believe you kept it a secret.”
Guilt quickly swam back up inside her. She knew it was inevitable that the topic would turn to her again. Maeri loved gossip, and it was easier to do when the conversation was not aimed at her own personal life. It required her to coax others into talking about themselves. “I think I may have felt something like that before with him, yes.” She gazed absently into the distance. A vague memory in the back of her mind told her there had been sparks between she and Kael at one time. Though those sparks had long since been doused after the truth was revealed. “When he and I first met, I feared it was more lust than love. When we were together, all I could think about were his lips, his arms, the curve of the muscles on his body –”
“Are they anything like the way you described the Consul’s?” Maeri grinned. It was intended as a lighthearted joke to bring back the laughter of their younger days, but
something in it hit hard inside Leyna’s heart. She wished she understood what it was.
“I have made it a point over the years to not think about the Consul in that way. It is not appropriate of me to, and especially now while he is sick – and I am betrothed. My thoughts should not be on the muscles of another man.”
Linking her elbow around Leyna’s, Maeri guided them toward the sitting area, lowering down casually on the settee, gazing excitedly into Leyna’s eyes. “One only has to see the way you look at the Consul to know you care deeply for him. When Feolan told me what you had done to save him, I couldn’t believe it. That is true devotion and loyalty there. You were willing to risk your own life to save his.”
“I would do the same for any of my friends,” Leyna waved her hand distractedly. “I would take an arrow for you, even.” She couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. It was true. There was no denying it. And her friends couldn’t argue her courage to back up those words.
“The way you did for the Prince?” Maeri smiled. “You are so brave, Leyna. I could never do the things you do. I hope you know how much we all respect you and appreciate everything you have done for us, and our people. If we are able to stop this war, you will be a legend.”
“I do not want to be a legend.” The tears were coming back. A wave of panic came over her, not wanting to let Maeri see her like this. “All I want is for our people to be safe. I do not do this for glory or self-gain.”
Maeri craned her neck, looking around Leyna toward the hallway. The house was silent. Not even the sound of the doctors bustling about Thade’s bedside could be heard out here, blocked by the thick walls. Satisfied no one was coming, Maeri took Leyna’s hand in hers, the playfulness leaving her eyes, replaced by a look of concern. “We never had a chance to speak in any depth with one another after I came here from Tanispa and found you at Zander’s home. Some things were discussed that day which I have not forgotten and I feel now it would be only right for me to ask you about them.”
“Yes, life has been a bit of a long and twisted road since the night of the masque. I miss being able to sit with you and just talk about nothing in particular – though you clearly seem to have something specific in mind which troubles you.”
“Zander spoke that day about you and Feolan. Something about a kiss, or an interest of some kind,” Maeri said quietly. “I should have asked you about it long ago, before I let my heart settle on him. Was there something between the two of you before? Am I somehow coming between you both in my hopes of winning his heart?”
Leyna smiled, relieved by the innocence of the questions. She’d feared it would be something more drastic. This was a matter of little importance in her mind. She was happy for Maeri to have found Feolan. They deserved to be together. After everything Feolan had been through, Maeri would be perfect for him to ease the pain his last relationship had caused.
“Goodness no,” she shook her head. “Feolan and I are close friends, yes, but we have never been anything more than that, nor would we ever be. The situation Zander alluded to was pure happenstance. We kissed, but it was under duress, and not because either one of us necessarily harbored any deeper feelings for the other. You have no need to worry about it. I would be happy for you both and fully support his courting you. And you know Lady Faustine would be proud.”
Maeri chuckled, looking almost giddy at Leyna’s words. “I am so glad to hear that. I have been so worried! Tell me, then,” she said suddenly, curling her legs up under her on the settee, her eyes brightening with excitement. “Is he a good kisser?”
Mouth agape, Leyna stared in disbelief at Maeri, completely thrown by her question. Inappropriate in so many ways, and yet inside she wanted to sit there and laugh with her. To discuss it the way they’d whispered about boys when they were younger and too inexperienced to actually know what they were talking about. “Maeri!” she exclaimed. “I cannot answer that question. Especially not here, and preferably not anywhere.”
“Of course you can answer it!” Maeri pleaded. “You are the only one I know who can, and I think I have a right to know what I am getting myself into.”
“You amaze me,” Leyna chortled, rolling her eyes heavenward. She couldn’t believe she was actually going to answer her. “If you must know, I would say that he is. I have little to compare it to, but if I had to rate him against Kael, he would be the victor. He was more tender. It was somehow passionate without feeling as though he would swallow you whole.”
Maeri giggled. “Are you saying your man is not a good kisser?”
Contemplating her words, Leyna furrowed her brow, overcome with a burst of laughter. She was nervous. The entire conversation felt completely wrong but for some reason she couldn’t help but indulge herself in it. Making light of the situation helped to ease the pain and heaviness which had come over her heart. “I believe I am, now that I think on it. But Kael has other redeeming qualities. For instance, he has on many occasions risked himself to protect me. And if anyone says anything even remotely insulting about me, he would fight them without hesitation, to defend my honor. Those things always seemed to matter more than whether he knew how to use his lips.”
“Over the years, I have seen the ladies the Consul and Lord Feolan have courted. I am always worried I will not be good enough,” Maeri confided, leaning in close to Leyna’s ear to avoid being overheard. “I was not exactly Faustine’s most prized pupil. We both know that,” she grinned. “Feolan needs a woman who is skilled in the ways of the court and able to carry herself like a lady. I fear I may be a bit too free-spirited for him.”
A feeling like a dagger pierced through her chest. The Consul had courted a lady? Of course he had! What did she expect? He was a man, a very handsome one, of great power, position, and rank. The women of the court would likely be weeping in their rooms, praying for him to look their way.
To her, she couldn’t imagine him being with anyone. None of the women could possibly be good enough for him. Superficial and only caring about how to better serve their family and raise their social standing. He deserved someone more genuine. Someone who loved him for who he really was, and not what title the Queen had bestowed upon him. But she couldn’t expect him to remain single forever. It was the way life worked. He would marry some undeserving woman who would then bear his children to carry on the family line. He would eventually have to forget about Leyna. To move on from the shady business he dealt in now. His life would go on without Leyna in it, and she would be left, cold and alone, in the arms of a husband she no longer knew if she loved.
“Leyna?”
“Hmm?”
Blinking her eyes, Leyna realized that she had fallen silent. Warmth radiated in her cheeks. What a strange line of thought to have about her friend! But it was all true. She would never approve of any woman Thade might choose. Lucky for him, her opinion didn’t matter.
“Your eyes got a little starry on me. What are you thinking about? Did I say something wrong?”
“Oh, no,” Leyna laughed, her nervousness adding a noticeable tremor to her voice. “I was just trying to picture the women the Consul might choose to court. They must be stunning to look at. Noblewomen have always been a target of my envy. I wish I could conduct myself with the same grace and poise as they do. The ease in which they carry themselves in these ridiculous gowns which make breathing nearly impossible, let alone movement. I suppose I felt a little bit of jealousy.”
“Jealousy? At their ability to move about and breathe easily in their clothing, or in the fact that they have sought the arm of the Consul?”
“Why would I be jealous of them for seeking the Consul’s arm?”
“Because you are a woman. And he is a man. A very sexy man, if I do say so myself,” Maeri winked. “Any girl would be jealous of the one he chose, and it must be worse for one who has known him for so long.”
“Maeri, I am engaged,” Leyna argued. “That simple fact should tell you that I hold no jealousy for any woman with whom the Consul finds hap
piness.”
Maeri inhaled sharply. It was as if Leyna’s words had been like the crack of a whip, the lighthearted sparkle in her eyes disappearing in a flash. “Leyna, you are a wonderful woman, and an even greater friend, but you have always been absolutely horrible when it comes to sharing your feelings. You lie to everyone about them, and I know you do not do it intentionally. I am convinced you do it because you also lie to yourself. You force yourself to think you don’t feel anything, and it’s not healthy for you. In the end, it will only make you unhappy. Why can you not – just once – admit that you might actually feel something?”
“Because I no longer know what to feel!” The words burst forth from her, filled with an emotion she hadn’t intended to release, echoing loudly through the quiet room.
She knew Maeri was right. She did hide her feelings from everyone, but it was what she had to do! To open up to anyone would leave her vulnerable, and she couldn’t risk that. She would start to let down her walls, and all of her secrets would pour forth, and she would be ruined. They would hate her for the lies. And she would no longer be good enough for them. In a society that cared so much about position and money, no one would be able to accept her for what she was. It had been the cold hard truth she’d come to realize when she was still a child and now, even more than ever, she knew it was the way things would always be.
“I think you know how you feel, but you are afraid of it.” Maeri’s voice was eerily calm. Her words cut through Leyna, deep into her core, with the accuracy of the statement. She couldn’t be more right. But Leyna couldn’t admit that to her. If she admitted it, Maeri would only want to know more about what was going on inside her mind, and she couldn’t discuss it. It was too painful to think about, and speaking of it out loud was out of the question.
The Myatheira Chronicles: The Vor'shai: From the Ashes (Volume 1) Page 51