by Derrick Rose
So, yeah, I left Cleveland. I thought I was done. Me and my girl left. Made sure my son was alright, got the plane tickets, didn’t tell anybody. We just got the flights and went to Mexico in November.
Again, trying to figure out what’s best. I can’t run at all, no one is saying what’s wrong. Yes, I could have retired and would have been alright with that, but I have to think about my kids. I still loved the game, don’t get me wrong. Once I get in it, once I get on the floor, everything goes away. That’s what’s good about it, the competing. Then it doesn’t matter how I felt a day ago, a year ago. None of it. It is what it is. “Okay, we’re about to compete.”
But with everything I’d been through, to have it happen again, an injury, and nobody is believing it, like all over again in Chicago, in New York. People were always believin’ it was for the money or other stuff.
I just needed time to work things out again. I wasn’t playing, but again people went crazy because I left the team. Because of the Knicks thing. I knew Joakim went on numerous vacations with the Bulls when he wasn’t playing in season. He’d come back with a tan. “You in Hawaii, bro?” I’d seen that.
I remember that one year when Bron first got back with Cleveland, he took off and went somewhere, back to Miami, I think. Gone about two weeks. But, yeah, they acted like it was a problem only with me.
I just didn’t understand what went wrong. I left, of course, so that’s on me. But when I came back I really tried my hardest to get on the court.
By then they had other plans. I thought I was busting my ass with them when I could play. If anything, they’d have to kick me off the court because I was doing too much. That was before the season even started. Excited, playing with a great team, a team that just went to the Finals three years in a row. Playing with a great player. Other great players. Everything was great.
It was just that I felt right away like they didn’t need me. Me, I was just looking for my opportunity. Like what happened with Thibs later in Minnesota. My body finally started feeling healthy again, my knees felt good. I hadn’t really even worked on my knees in a long time.
And, like I said, I was excited about playing with Bron. It was kind of weird when you look up to someone like I did with him in school and then you have the opportunity of going head-to-head against him, even though he’s three, four years older. I could challenge him. But also learn from him, the way he controls the game. He paces himself throughout the game. When he was younger, he played way faster. Now he paces himself throughout the game. You up 10 in the fourth quarter, he can turn it on and win, sometimes comfortably.
When we played against each other, there were times I pushed him to a limit. Not every time, but there were times. I looked up to him as a great player. At the time people were talking like Kobe was everything, Bron was on his way up. He had stardom in him. I saw that. At the time, I was playing the three in high school, off the ball. Our games were kind of similar, where we can control the game by scoring a lot and getting a feel for the game, so I learned a lot watching him in high school.
I wasn’t a basketball head, like with posters on the wall, a fanatic. I appreciated and respected people’s games. It’s a part of chasing greatness. I’ll tell you, he deserves everything he’s got right now, period. To stay consistent like that throughout every year—you know how hard that is?
Bron was cool when I was in Cleveland. But we never had an open relationship. Just teammates. Never talked about the games we played against one another. But he was cool to be around. Real professional, entertaining. He was an extrovert. It was great to be around him, because you’re watching greatness every day, seeing his work ethic. I learned how much he took care of his body. Always does something in the morning, whether it’s lifting, basketball recovery, whatever. He’s on top of everything. Fifteen years in and he’s still in that.
He controlled a lot there, but with a player like that, I mean, yeah, why not? He kind of has a right to have a say over everything given what he’s done. It wasn’t disrespect with any of them. I just wasn’t part of his thing. I had my friends I’m cool with. I know how to be in a work environment and be peaceful. Some probably resent it, but it’s where I’m from; you’re trying to survive. You get beat up every day, yet you show any sign of fear, you’re a pussy, and it’s different. You can’t. I’m not gonna kiss your ass.
That’s also what hurt me with them in Cleveland in the end. I went to some dinners with those guys, but as far as going out and all that, the stuff they were doing, the dressing up, whatever, I was in my room. Isaiah Thomas and Jae Crowder were the same way. You gotta understand, with me, I had just had that court case. I was on trial. I wasn’t going to be seen doing anything even if it was just being out.
When I left the Cavs, I didn’t tell anybody until we were in Mexico. I didn’t tell anybody because I felt even though me and my family talked the first time, they didn’t really hear me. I was okay to go back to New York after I left there, and I understood what I had to do, but I didn’t have it fully worked out in Cleveland, not after being hurt again. They didn’t understand where I was coming from. So, I did feel like I had to leave. If I would have mentioned it to anybody or said what it was, my family would have tried to stop it again.
I went down to Mexico and did a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, a lot of writing. I’ve always kept a journal. No one’s ever seen it. Whenever I write, it’s always giving thanks to whoever’s watching me.
Whenever I’m writing in my journal, it’s always as if I’m having a conversation with that person. It’s a way for me to feel like I’m communicating my thoughts, how I’m feeling. Always giving them thanks and telling them how blessed I am for everything, asking them to forgive me for my sins—even the ones I don’t notice.
I was in Mexico for a week and then came back. People say I was depressed, but I feel too blessed to be depressed about anything. Don’t get me wrong. I know depression is real. My Cavs teammate Kevin Love talked about that. I know people go through that and it’s tough and they can’t control it. They say you’re rich or famous so things are good and will go away. No. I just needed time to figure out and organize myself and figure out a path or a way to make this transition as smooth as possible, including knowing what I was going to do after basketball. There were a lot of people thinking basketball was over for me. I had to work through that.
* * *
I play video games when we travel. I read sometimes.
But mostly I play chess.
I’m a big chess player and it helped me get through a lot of things because it makes you think. I play a lot online where people don’t know it’s me they’re playing with. I’m an alright player.
When I came back with Cleveland they made me talk to a therapist because they thought I was crazy. You could tell they were thinking, “We ain’t gonna put you on the court until we find out you’re not having a breakdown.” So when I came back I was talking to their therapist and I tell him I like to play chess and he thought I was bullshitting. So next appointment he brings a chessboard. Says I should show him. Wanted me to prove it, I guess. I kicked his ass! He was so surprised. I called my friends after that and I was like, “I kicked that therapist’s ass!”
Playing chess has been one of the most important things in my life. Really. It started when I was in seventh grade. That’s when I transferred schools and went to Beasley, because Randolph only went up to sixth grade. Beasley was kindergarten to eighth grade, but I only went there seventh and eighth. That was my first time seeing a chess team or even hearing about chess. It was in the lunch room and I used to just sit and watch other people play. Never said anything or played. I didn’t really talk to people like that. I used to watch just to see how it was played, kind of got hooked on it right from there.
The thing was that it was just so complex. It’s simple because everybody can play chess. But I also feel like it challenges you, re
quires patience, makes you think about what you are doing and why. Lots of quiet and long pauses. I relate it to my life, like where I lost my queen early. Right? Trouble. Now the game is being played and Derrick, he’s got one of his pawns left. But he’s about to take it all the way to the end to trade it in for another queen.
That’s how I feel about where I’m at in my life. I lost my queen with my injuries and everything that happened. I’m battling my ass off now. There’s only three pieces on the board. Your three against my three. My pawns, one of them is loose to get another queen, giving me hope. It can be like your life. That’s the appeal, why chess is chess. They call it the game of life. You’ve got to solve problems. You’re not gonna have a perfect game every game—impossible when you’ve got so many moves. So, figure it out. And that’s why I love it.
I play solitary chess all the time. If I’m on the plane by myself, I’ve got it on my phone. Basically always have a chessboard with me. Chess changed my life—no bullshit. Helped me understand the strategies.
So, I saw their therapist, but I could tell the Cavs didn’t really want me back. You could see that. Didn’t even want me to play good so it wouldn’t look bad when they got rid of me. I had a good game when we beat Indiana, with like 14 points in 15 minutes. Next game, they play me eight minutes. Then a DNP and then five minutes.
When I chose to sign with the Cavs, it’s because I didn’t want to sign to a team where I’m going right to vet mode and I’m on a losing team. I wanted to go to a contending team. I also wanted to go somewhere that had premier players, like playing with a Bron.
I remember when I was signing there with the new GM, Koby Altman. We had dinner. He was acting so excited, telling me, “I can’t believe my first signing is D-Rose.” Nobody is telling him to say that. We’re eating and he just randomly says that.
Okay, I can respect that, cool. But then it’s the same guy who sends me to Utah.
If you really were excited, really wanted me, you would at least hear me out with what I’m going through, keep me the rest of the year. I know I could have helped that team. You didn’t have to trade me if you really cared. “Okay, I’m gonna leave him around this year to watch him. Maybe next year we think of getting rid of him. But at least for this year we got you.” Then I’m traded to Utah a couple weeks after that. People looking out for themselves. You have to see that.
I didn’t have to deal with that when I first came in to the NBA because back then my talent trumped all that. But everyone who goes to a job learns that eventually. They always love the new guys.
I didn’t have to deal with or really understand the league at first. Then people are saying to you, “Bro, why aren’t you bringing in anybody with you? You supposed to have some help!” That’s how the league is going, people getting help.
I’m walking on the street, random people come up to me, “Y’all getting somebody else? Y’all play too many minutes, bro.” That was stuff I didn’t know. You look at so many people in the league, MJ, Magic, I’m thinking I’m doing my thing like they did. Looking back now, it’s like, “Damn, it would have been a little easier if I had a little help.” But it wasn’t something you were thinking about so much.
I was just about to have my baby girl and I was in Cleveland working out after they traded me and then I was released by Utah. Just going to Cleveland State with my friend Art, working out. I didn’t know what was going on in Cleveland, but you could see. They knew they were gonna get rid of me. When I had the quick 14 against Indiana I could tell they didn’t want that to happen. So they sat me on the bench the last couple of games after that and then I was traded.
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I didn’t know what would be next after I got released by Utah, but I didn’t think my career was over. I was surprised to end up back with Thibs, Taj, Jimmy, with all of them, in Minnesota. But I can say it gave me time to really appreciate everything I went through prior to getting there, because when I got there, I don’t know, but it just felt like I was finally home.
Going to New York never did feel right. Going to Cleveland, I’m there and I’m trying, but also it just didn’t feel right. With Minnesota, Thibs was honest. Even when he didn’t play me when I first got there, he was just telling me the politics of it. “They have certain people here, they feel like they need to play certain people.” He was just telling me to stick with him. I stuck with him and he looked out for me. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to come back.
And then there was Jimmy.
The funny part about what was going on between Thibs and Minnesota management was, in Chicago me and Jimmy were supposed to be the ones having problems. We weren’t close, but there were never problems. And like I said, in Minnesota, when all that trade stuff came up, he came to me to talk about some of the stuff going on. We were texting back and forth when all the crazy media stuff was going on because, yeah, I know something about that.
But I also had to play the veteran role with the young guys. I wasn’t going to play a part in it with the media. I told Jimmy my perspective on it, but my big message to him was not to lose your leverage. Oscar and those guys fought too hard for what we have to handle it wrong and hand the leverage back to the team.
That was also good for my relationship with the young guys. They saw I handled it the same way with everyone, with love and respect, so they came to me for advice. I feel like they liked my presence on the team. But I also could understand what Jimmy was feeling.
Look, it wasn’t his fault. It’s the league’s fault. Nothing against Karl-Anthony Towns, he’s cool—and he’s good. But you get these kids and you spoil them before they achieve something. Get their first contracts at $190 million. Come on. Now you got a situation where a young player can voice his opinion to fire a coach or get anybody on that staff fired if he doesn’t like what’s going on. That’s a lot of power. What, 21, 22 years old? No guidance, but money and power. And he wasn’t guided into it, but thrust. I know things change, but that’s not even the way it was when I came in the league—and it shouldn’t be.
I had to play to make myself the number one pick. You don’t gotta do shit in the tournament now for that. I felt I had to prove myself. It was still a debate with me and Beasley going number one right up to almost draft day. Kids now, you don’t even gotta make it to the tournament. Markelle Fultz? Ben Simmons? Good players, but you can’t even get your team to the tournament?
But the league is like, “Oh, we can already tell he’s gonna be good. He’s gonna be max.” You can see it. But at the same time, who is giving this kid guidance? Is it enough? Is it good? That’s how I feel about it—and Jimmy, too. So now you have all these kids where they feel like they’re super entitled, and what did they do? That’s what we got right now. It’s a big problem for the league.
Jimmy was feeling, “Why’d y’all pay them first when I was the one that got you to the playoffs?” That’s all it was. Jimmy wasn’t doing it right, though he was right. So we talked. I’d tell him that you gotta be able to control yourself a lot better; you’re inside a billionaires club. These guys talk every day. They know everything. So why give them that leverage by staying away from the team? Just making it hard on yourself.
Yeah, I think Jimmy was surprised when I reached out to him like that. Probably fucking surprised. Jimmy’s a good dude. Just wanted what’s right.
And then all that crazy stuff about how he went to practice and showed up everyone? It’s the new league, man. He came in and he played hard, period. Scored one time in that practice they were all writing about. Yes, one basket. Right hand up to God. What’s so exciting about that? But the media is going crazy. You would think he scored 30. That’s why I don’t feed into this shit anymore.
It was killing Thibs, I’ll tell you. He wasn’t saying anything to us, but you could tell he was taking it hard. Jimmy was a big piece for us, and in the West, of course, we knew we needed him. But we were feeling to st
art the season like we’d be alright. KAT, Andrew Wiggins, guys are just young. They bring the intensity and I felt we’d be really good. So my role was becoming to watch everybody closely. Right, me.
I felt like me being this vet, my job was to make everybody feel at ease on the team, communicating, talking way more than I ever did before. But now I’m 30, 10 years in the league. It’s the most talking I ever did.
For me, just trying to keep growing, do the right thing for my teammates, but not with the assists on the court now—maybe assists in other ways. Those texts are something I damn sure wouldn’t have sent Jimmy a few years ago. Trying just to give him perspective from things I’ve been through. Like, “I’ve been there, bro. The way you’re handling it right now, you’re gonna give them that leverage to say fuck you. And they’re gonna stand on you just like they trying to stand on me.”
I wouldn’t suggest anyone do what I did. Especially if they weren’t financially alright. I was seeing him heading down that road, so I felt I had to reach out. “You already got one knee surgery. You’re 29, 30. They shit on you—shit on you very quickly.”
Jimmy got a good trade out of it. I hope it works out for him.
But it doesn’t for a lot of guys. Look at Isaiah Thomas. What he’s going through. Still wasn’t playing halfway into the 2018 season. After all he did for Boston and still hasn’t gotten right—run out of Cleveland. That’s what I mean. “Don’t let them shit on you. Don’t give them that leverage.” Right now we as players, we have that leverage. I told Jimmy, “You got the talent, you got the leverage—all the leverage in the world.” I told Jimmy I understand the way he brings intensity to practice. I played with Joakim, Kurt Thomas. I know what kind of assholes they were every day. Just talk shit all day. I’m with that. But at the same time, you’ve got to be smarter.
Jimmy was still too angry to listen until the trade. I told him he needed to play chess. Chess gets you to think a couple moves ahead. Not act emotionally. Maybe chess can save his life, too.