At the beginning of the trip she’d told herself she’d do whatever it took to get that smile back on his face again, to make sure he was happy. If taking him to see his mother was the last thing on that list, then she’d go through with it, for no other reason than to see him so happy one last time.
They got out of the car and Logan met her at the front, pressing her up the stairs in front of him with his hand on the small of her back. Logan’s mother waited for them on the porch, hands clasped at her chest, tendrils of white hair falling from an intricate fabric hair wrap. She was dressed in a caftan dress, and between that and the hair wrap looked decidedly like the culturist Logan had said she was. Her skin was as pale as milk, making her green eyes, just like Logan’s, stand out brightly.
“You both look wonderful!” she exclaimed, grabbing Beth by the cheeks and kissing her soundly. She did the same to Logan, her eyes lingering on his. “Oh,” she murmured. “You do look wonderful, baby.”
It should have sounded ridiculous to hear a woman call her grown son baby, but it didn’t. When she whispered it so reverently, it sounded almost like a prayer. The emotion in her voice made Beth’s eyes prickle and she looked away, hoping it would pass quickly.
“You must be Beth,” Logan’s mother said, coming back to take Beth’s hands in her own. They were warm and soft, like her own mother’s hands used to feel. “I’m Ellie.”
Beth smiled her hello. “Nice to meet you.”
“Come in.” She gestured with one hand, the other still firmly holding onto Beth’s. “Come tell me all about your trip.”
It was then that Logan threw a wink over his shoulder at her as he entered the bungalow.
“Oh, Mama. I can’t wait to tell you everything.”
He, however, did not tell his mother everything. Thank God, Beth thought as she laid under a handmade quilt in Ellie’s guest room, remembering her nerves that he was going to say something inappropriate.
Usually she was the one that could laugh those types of situations off or brazen them out.
When Logan skimmed over the details of her initial visit to the Williams’s house in Connecticut, she knew he wasn’t going to be airing their dirty laundry.
He made their trip sound more adventurous than it had really been. He went into detail about their stops at Notre Dame and their numerous camping stops. He did speak fondly of their time at the Grand Canyon but gave no real details.
To Ellie’s credit, she didn’t ask. She just sat there, feeding them cookies and homemade bread with jam, smiling and nodding as Logan spoke. Beth let him, not interjecting at all and listening to his interpretation of their trip.
Even the glossed-over version sounded fun and as she laid in bed thinking about it, she would treasure those weeks for the rest of her life. She should have never come here to his mother’s, the realization solidifying the fact the moment she sat down and Ellie looked at them like they were a happy couple, which they were not.
There was a soft tapping sound and Beth lifted her head as her door opened a few inches. Logan snuck in silently, closing the door behind him without a sound.
“And just what do you think you’re doing?” she whispered. “Your mother made it pretty clear we couldn’t share a room.”
It seemed a lot like closing the barn door after the horses already got out, since she and Logan had been sharing a bed for weeks, but it was Ellie’s house and Beth respected her too much to break the rules.
Logan didn’t look concerned, she noted. He was in a pair of gym shorts and nothing else, the smile on his lips sly.
“She’s a heavy sleeper,” he replied. “She’s been out for about half an hour already.”
“And why aren’t you sleeping?” Beth asked, sliding an arm behind her head to prop it up.
“Lonely,” he said, a blatantly false pout to his lower lip. “Cold. Cold and lonely.”
“Oversexed,” she accused with a laugh. “Your mother put us in separate rooms for a reason.”
He shrugged. “She’ll survive.” He stalked the bed, like a panther scenting its quarry. “I might not.”
She shot him a look. “A bit dramatic?”
His hands walked up the bed first, followed by his body until he hovered over her.
“We do drama well,” he said. “And what’s so bad about a man telling a woman that he wants her so badly he might die. I’m so desperate for you, Sugar.”
It sounded sincere and when their eyes met, she saw a familiar emotion there. It was the one they’d shared their night at the Grand Canyon. Something between earnest love and tenderness, a little bit of resignation thrown in for good measure. He was bringing them back to bantering, somewhere they both felt comfortable, but she could tell that he knew they were on unsteady ground.
He had to know this was the end just as much as she did.
Tomorrow, she decided. Tomorrow would be the day.
For tonight, she let Logan strip her clothes off and watched with rapt attention when he shucked his own. His leg got put aside, barely a blip on either of their radars.
Their mouths met, slowly at first while they explored each other, the light on the nightstand illuminating the room. They kissed and touched, their hands and fingers whispering over sensitive skin.
He took her lead when she pushed him off, wanting him on his back. She catalogued his every feature as she sat astride his naked body. Her heat warmed him, and he surged underneath her, grasping her hips, but letting her take her time. He didn’t rush her or urge her to do what he wanted.
He gave her the freedom to explore and she took her sweet time. She ran her fingers through the sandy chest hair that covered his chest and pebbled nipples; his arms—the soft skin that covered hard muscles all leading down to long fingers that gripped her waist; his trim waist and the light blond hair that lead her lower as she moved herself to see everything.
When she took him in her body, their eyes were locked. As she rocked back and forth, her hands propped on his chest, he held her up, supporting her, but still mostly watching and enjoying.
When she shifted her position, taking him deeper, and began rhythmically shifting up and down, he moved with her, his hands gripping her tighter as she raced to the finish line.
He was right there with her, his eyes locked onto hers. He was feral, the tendons in his neck standing out with his effort to lie still and let her pleasure herself with his body. He was letting her use him, and the knowledge—that realization—almost crushed her.
Logan sat up then, taking her in his arms as he continued to thrust upward. His lips took hers, distracting her from what she’d seen just a moment ago, and he brought her to a completely new place. One where they were in the same place at the same time, enjoying each other.
That broke her and she muffled her release into his shoulder, still trying to keep some semblance of quiet in Ellie’s house. He wasn’t far behind her, squeezing her close to him as he panted on her breasts, his tongue darting out to give her nipple a tickle.
She giggled and pushed him away. “Stop,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around her chest, looking down at him. He was a different person than he’d been a few weeks ago, the change astounding. She affectionately rubbed his cheek with her hand. “You’re so amazing,” she told him honestly. “I’m so proud of you.”
Her words sent a ripple through him and his body physically shivered.
“Thanks,” he said, bringing her in for a kiss. “I wouldn’t be here without you, Sugar.”
She looked around the room. “I wouldn’t be here without you. Having sex in your mother’s house,” she said pointedly.
“It’s been a while since I’ve had to sneak around like this. There was that one time you offered to take me back to Charlie’s.”
She had indeed once invited him to go back to her father’s condo after a particularly steamy make-out session. They’d ended up at Owen’s instead.
“We didn’t actually go to Charlie’s,” she pointed out, pulling the
covers around herself and nestling into his embrace. “You shouldn’t stay in here too long.”
“I won’t,” he promised as he laid down with her and she closed her eyes. “I just want to feel you in my arms, Sugar.”
One last time, she thought. One last time.
He was gone when she woke the next morning, naked and warm in a ray of the early morning light. She stretched luxuriously and dragged herself out of bed, feeling the need to clear her head. She donned her running clothes and sneakers, then headed down the stairs.
Without any distractions, she went out, making note of her route so she wouldn’t get lost. Downtown New Orleans wasn’t bustling just yet. The tourist areas were empty, people cleaning up from the night before and getting ready for another raucous night. An area that seemed to hold more businesses than bars was busier, but still nothing like New York or Boston on a weekday morning.
She jogged through parks where some people were already setting up stations to sell their wares, art or jewelry in some booths while others touted fortunes or palm reading. The smell of beignets and hickory coffee made her stomach growl, and she nearly stopped, but carried on, enjoying the early morning laughter that came from inside the shop.
More than an hour later, she made it back only to find Ellie drinking coffee on the front porch, her delicately lined face pointed up at the sky, eyes closed. Not wanting to intrude, Beth waited quietly at the bottom of the stairs, shaking out the quivering muscles in her legs and catching her breath.
“Oh, come up, dear,” Ellis said a moment later with a laugh. “Sometimes I just like to feel the sun on my face. See what kind of day it thinks I’m going to have.”
“The sun?” Beth asked as she climbed the stairs and took a seat next to Ellie.
“Oh yes!” The woman laughed. “Try it,” she encouraged. “Just let the sun warm you and see what it says.”
She felt a bit silly for doing it, but Beth complied, lifting her face to the sun and letting the morning’s warmth soak into her pores. It felt nice, but it didn’t tell her anything she hadn’t already thought of on her long run. She hadn’t changed any in the last twelve hours, was still the same person she’d been last night.
She smiled companionably at Ellie.
“No?” Ellie asked with a small shake of her head. “Keep trying, dear. You’ll hear it eventually.”
Beth nodded, mostly to be polite, then noticed Tucker’s car wasn’t out front anymore.
“Where did Logan go?” she asked.
“I sent him to the farmer’s market to buy me fresh flowers and produce. He’s got a good eye in the kitchen. I expect he’ll bring something delicious for dinner tonight.” Beth had no words to respond, not knowing that Logan had a good eye in the kitchen. In fact, she didn’t have a clue what that might even mean.
“Thank you for bringing my son to me.” Beth’s startled confusion must have shown on her face. “Tucker called and told me that it was your suggestion. That even though he wasn’t happy about it, Logan listened to you when you told him he needed to get out of the house. It was more than he listened to any of the rest of us, at the very least, so thank you. We all owe you that much.”
She wanted to deny it because she didn’t want anyone to owe her anything. Part of her reasoning for talking Logan into the trip had been selfish, too, and that made her feel like a fraud.
“He’s so much better than he was just a few weeks ago. There’s hope in him now, and that was a piece of himself I think he’d lost,” Ellie continued. “I love my boy; he’s the heart of this family whether he’s here or not, and I just ached when he wouldn’t let me in.”
“Logan’s got a strong character,” Beth said, trying to sound noncommittal. “He would have found his way eventually.”
“At what cost?” His mother asked, her voice sharp. “He could have spent years wandering in the dark recesses of his mind, fumbling around, looking for the light in his life.” Beth cringed at the hopeful look Ellie was sending her. “You showed him what it was like to live again, Beth, and it was no small feat, I’m sure. I’ll forever be grateful.”
Beth shrugged off the compliments as best she could, changing the subject to things that were far more mundane. Ellie told her about Logan’s high-school career and even took out an old photo album, showing her his prom pictures and his graduation portraits. It was a deeper look into his past than he’d shown her, not just stories but pictures to go along with them. She could see what he might have looked like when he met Owen at their naval training camp. She could see the boy, wanting so much to be the man his mother needed in the house.
When she closed the book, she sent a grateful smile to Ellie. “Thank you.”
“It’s my pleasure. I know Logan cares a great deal for you, and I expect I’ll be seeing a lot more of you.”
Beth shook her head, the automatic denial so deeply ingrained she couldn’t hide it.
“We both have busy lives,” Beth said feebly. “I’m not sure where that will take us.”
“As long as you go together.” Ellie smiled and patted her hand. Then she stood and gathered her long-empty mug and the photo album. She looked pleased when she sent Beth a sly wink. “I expect before too long, if you continue like you did last night, I’ll have grandchildren visiting me soon.”
Beth’s breath stalled in her lungs and she froze.
“Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t really expect Logan to stay in his room all night. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Logan will make a wonderful father,” she assured Beth, confidence infusing her every word. “He’s always wanted to be a father, but has been waiting for the right woman to make him one.” She winked at Beth again. “I think he’s found just the woman he wants to make a mother.”
Beth heard the slap of the screen door as it closed behind Ellie, but her body was numb.
Logan wanted nothing more than to be a father. She couldn’t let herself forget that. She was not his future, no matter how much she loved him or wanted to be more for him.
She was an impossibility.
With a few punches on her phone, Beth had a car coming to pick her up and a flight booked. She barely even knew where the flight was going; as long as it took her in the general direction, she’d get where she needed to go.
She stuffed her clothes in her bags, thankful she’d taken all her luggage out of the car to reorganize it. There was a good possibility she’d get out of New Orleans without running into Logan again.
Goodbyes weren’t her thing. They were so formal and so permanent. The good ones were no more than ‘a see you later’, but a goodbye was a different animal altogether. A goodbye meant heartache and tears. She knew because she’d done it before.
She remembered her mother calling her into her bedroom, after they’d brought her home and into hospice care. She’d been so frail, lying in her bed like a skeleton, skin and bones, barely able to move.
She’d spoken, words that had stayed with Beth her entire life, but at the time they’d skimmed along the surface and hadn’t penetrated. It was awfully hard to hear someone who was dying and leaving you behind tell you that it was going to be okay.
It wasn’t okay, not then when her mother had died, and certainly not since.
She finally zipped the last bag and attached them all together expertly, as she’d done it a thousand times in her life. She hurried through the bungalow, ready to make her escape. Ellie was nowhere to be seen, and she hurried out the door, thankful that the car she’d called was there waiting for her at the curb. A young woman got out and opened the trunk, ready to assist with Beth’s luggage.
She hurriedly put the bags in the trunk, but when she closed it and found Logan standing there staring at her, she knew she’d missed her shot at a clean getaway. He was holding two paper bags, one of them overstuffed with produce. The look on his face screamed betrayal because he knew exactly what she was doing.
To him, she was doing what she always did. Running.
But she’d told him her
truth and this time her escape wasn’t out of fear that he couldn’t accept her for who she was. This time, it was because she had finally told him, and it was time for her to let him go. He should get the chance to live the life he wanted, be the father he wanted to be.
“Going somewhere?” he asked, his voice deadly quiet.
She pasted a smile on her face. If he noticed the small quaver of her lip, he didn’t let on. He looked furious, as she knew he would if he caught her leaving. It was why she’d hoped to make a clean getaway.
“I got a call from Lexi this morning,” she lied. “Jenna’s got something going on this week, and they thought it would be nice if I came.”
His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized her. “You’re lying.”
She shook her head but kept her distance, her hands flexing as she resisted the urge to reach for him.
“It’s just time for me to go now, Doc. You’ve got your feet under you again; we’ve seen the Grand Canyon and had an epic road trip along the way.” Was that her voice shaking? “You can spend some time here with your mom, without me in your hair, and try to decide what you want to do next. Where your next adventure will take you.”
His lips pursed and the paper bag crinkled as his grip on it tightened.
“So, that’s it? We’re doing this again?” She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. “Just a word to the wise, this isn’t what friends do,” he told her, his voice haltingly stilted. “Friends don’t run out on each other when the other isn’t looking. You promised me you wouldn’t do this to me again.”
It was for his own good this time, and that made it completely different. She wasn’t running from him or the life he wanted with her. She was running so that he could have that life with someone else.
Because she couldn’t give it to him. And no matter what she told herself, it kept becoming clearer that what he wanted for his future was something she couldn’t provide.
“Like you said, we never really were friends, were we?”
The words barely came out of her mouth, nothing more than a choked whisper, but they hit their mark.
Confessing History (Freehope Book 3) Page 15