“Then you know. Then you can go on with your life and know you did everything that you could. It’s got to be better than wondering.”
She wasn’t wrong, but the idea of Beth sending him packing shook him more than being hit by a roadside bomb had.
“I can’t,” he admitted, quietly ashamed. “I can’t go through it again. I can’t go after her again.”
“Why?” Ellie asked, curious. When he said nothing, she continued. “Honey, don’t tell me you think she ran because she didn’t love you enough or didn’t want to be with you. It was plain as day how she felt about you. Think about it.”
His mind jumped to their confessions at the Canyon and her cathartic scream.
Beth couldn’t have kids and something about those words stood between them. Since then, their relationship had shifted in a way that he thought brought them closer, but looking back had really pulled her away.
“She can’t have kids,” he told his mother, thinking about everything that had happened since then. Their trip to New Orleans and all the small things in between all lead him back to that moment. “She can’t have kids,” he repeated, dumbly.
“Oh shit,” she whispered, her hand covering her mouth.
“What?”
“That day, the one Beth left. I’d mentioned something about you making her a mother and giving me grandchildren. I didn’t know,” she explained as her voice climbed to a high pitch. “I had no idea. But she left right after we spoke. Logan, I’m afraid this is all my fault.”
He consoled her that it wasn’t her fault, because she had no idea what kind of land mine she’d been stepping on. He thought back to all the things he’d said to Beth in the past about wanting a family; hell, he’d even whispered words to her about seeing her barefoot and pregnant.
He imagined what that must have felt like for her, hearing those words and knowing she’d never be the woman to do it.
He wanted to compare it to the loss of his leg, but he’d been able to recover most of his lost activities with his prosthetics. A few months ago, he couldn’t run or jump, but now he could. It wasn’t hard to remember the fury he felt at not being able to do the things he wanted to do.
He wondered if Beth felt the same.
“I think I have to get going, Mama,” he said, hugging her. “It’ll take me a few days to get there, and I don’t want to miss Jenna’s softball game.”
She looked up at him, her familiar green eyes soft and wise.
“You listen to me, honey. Love may be patient and kind, and all those other things the Good Book says it is. But it’s also compromise. Love isn’t as strong as steel and it bends when you need it to; it flexes with you as you grow. It’s not one size fits all; not everyone needs the same thing. We have to learn when the people we love need our support and when they want to stand on their own accord. You give Beth her space if she needs it, but you make damn sure she knows that your love doesn’t depend on her uterus to make you happy.”
“Mama—”
“That must be a horrible feeling, Logan. To love someone and let them go because she doesn’t feel like she’s enough for you.”
God, when she put it like that it felt like a knife to the chest. Beth was more than enough for him. If she couldn’t have kids, they’d figure something else out. If she wanted to foster or adopt, he was in.
If she didn’t want kids, they’d start a damn dog rescue.
As long as he had her, and she wasn’t running, he wouldn’t ask for anything else. If what his mama was suggesting was really how Beth felt, then he felt terrible.
Is that what she’d been living with for the last year? Fear and doubt that she wasn’t enough for him?
He stood, ready to pack his things and get on the road, right away.
“Thank you,” he told her. “For always letting me come home and telling me like it is.”
“You’ll always have a home with me, Logan. Always.”
Had Logan known that his three cousins were going to pile into the car with him, he might have skipped the stop in Connecticut.
Cole and Tucker chatted amiably in the backseat while Elliot rode stoically next to him, a sign signaling their approach to Freehope just ahead.
“Who the hell would want to live in a town called Littlehope?” Elliot commented, noting the name of the small town next to Freehope.
“From what the Walkers say, it isn’t the nicest area,” he replied, thankful that Elliot had at least kept up the inane conversation during the drive.
He much preferred that to Cole and Tucker’s pestering about what had happened to Beth and where she was. He hated to admit that he might have let her get away, again.
“Well, that’s a no-brainer,” Cole interjected, taking him back to the conversation about Littlehope.
“Spencer said there’s a motorcycle gang there or something,” he told them. “The Scorpions if I remember correctly.”
“Holy shit,” Tucker said. “What the hell kind of place are we going to?”
“Freehope is no different than where you live,” Logan told them. “Nice little town with a lot of really nosy people.”
“I hate people,” Elliot said offhand.
“They generally don’t like you either,” Cole said with a smile and pat on his brother’s shoulder. “Isn’t that why you moved ten miles outside of town? So you don’t have to see all those pesky people?”
“Six miles,” Elliot corrected. “And I live on a lake. There’s people around all the time.”
“Just because you can see someone in the lake, doesn’t mean there are people around,” Tucker corrected. “They’re clear across the other side as you’ve got trespassing signs posted all over your property.”
They continued on with their banter while Logan drove. He kept one ear on them while they made their way into town, but was continually thinking about Beth. He was hoping she was going to be at this softball thing. Owen had told him she was going to be there, though Jenna was keeping tight-lipped about what her aunt had been up to. Even Owen was evading any outright questions about where Beth was or what she was doing. Finding out she was going to be at the softball thing had made going seem like a no-brainer.
He’d practiced all the things he was going to say to her, how he was going to finally just lay out how he felt about her and their future. She could take it or leave it, but he was going to do his best to get her to take it. God, did he want her to take it.
But like his mama said, if he didn’t try, then he’d never know.
Without much effort, he made his way to Andy and Owen’s home. It was the Walker’s childhood home, and Owen had bought it for Andy, wanting to raise their daughter in a place that held such sweet memories for them. Logan liked the Walkers and their appreciation for nostalgia. He supposed that’s why so many of them still lived in Freehope, not necessarily hanging onto the past, but adding their own touch to it.
He pulled into the driveway and noted Spencer’s truck as the only one that wasn’t usually parked at the house. He didn’t know if that meant Beth was around or not, but he filed the information away as they all piled out of Tucker’s car.
Owen materialized behind the front door and slapped the screen open, a smile on his face.
“You brought a cheering section,” he said, noting the Williams brothers filing up the porch behind him.
They all met and grasped hands, pulling each other in for one-armed hugs.
“Wouldn’t want Jenna to think I wasn’t in it a hundred percent,” he joked. “Besides, they’re hard to get rid of.”
Owen had met Logan’s cousins before, during a visit after his accident. He had to stop calling it that, he thought. It sounded so inane, but anything else sounded too dramatic. His cousins and Owen greeted each other, the rumble of their voices bringing Beth’s brother, Spencer, out onto the porch, as well.
Before long, all six of them were catching up, and Spencer was giving them the lowdown on the recent happenings in town.
“Then Ms. Ross lost it. Totally threw her groceries all over the ground and pummeled the poor guy with her cane,” he said, finishing his tale of how the town biddy exacted her revenge on her landscaper.
“She’s got a temper,” Owen put it. “She stomped my foot with her cane once, too and it hurt like hell.”
“It is just like Troy,” Elliot complained, referring to the town where he and his cousins lived. “It’s like Cheers, only worse.”
Owen shrugged. “I missed it when I wasn’t here. I didn’t think I would, but I did.”
“And where’s my star softball player?” Logan asked. “I was expecting a warmer welcome than just your ugly mug.”
Owen winced. “I don’t know if I’d expect too warm of a welcome, Doc. Some of the Walker female contingent is less than thrilled at the moment.”
Spencer scoffed. “Less than thrilled? That’s putting it mildly.”
“They’ve been warned to play nice,” Owen insisted.
Logan’s forehead crinkled. “They’re mad at me?”
Spencer shook his head. “Don’t rock the boat, man. There’s no talking them down from that ledge when they’re up there, holding hands and singing Kumbaya. Besides, they aren’t fighting with each other for once, so just let it lie for a minute or two. I’m in no rush to go back to playing referee.”
“What the hell did I do?” Logan asked, fists at his side. Sure, he was chasing after Beth and wanted to lay it all out there for her, but he hadn’t done anything to her.
Just then, Jenna came flying out the door, the screen creaking and slapping behind her. Her long, brown hair was in two braids, bouncing and waving behind her as she raced toward him. Without hesitating, he opened his arms and let her launch herself at him. He was thankful for his recent workouts, his leg strong underneath him as he caught her.
“There she is,” he crooned. He loved Jenna to pieces. She was the niece he’d never have and she’d adopted him as her own almost from the first. She sent him funny texts and kept him up to date with everything that was going on in Freehope, even when he or Owen dropped the ball on keeping in touch. The one thing she hadn’t told him was anything about Beth.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she said, sliding down and letting him hold her at arm’s length.
She was wearing her uniform, a baby-blue top and black softball pants, black streaks under her eyes.
“Nice warpaint,” he commented.
“Mom did it,” she said, her braces winking at him in the sunlight as she smiled. “She says this is the only kind of makeup I can wear ’til I’m thirty.”
At the chuckle that went around the porch, Jenna eyed all the men. “Are you all coming to my game?” At their nod, she let out a little laugh. “They’ll talk about this for weeks.”
“Go get your stuff, honey.” Andy appeared at the door, Alex behind her.
They made a stunning sight as they joined the men on the porch, Jenna scampering off to get her things.
“Oh man,” Logan heard Cole whisper. “They look pissed.”
Did they ever. He’d seen Andy upset before, but not what he’d call angry. There was a fire to her blue eyes, so similar to Beth’s, but so different. He stood, rooted in place, waiting for her approach. Her twin Alex, or as Beth called her–Lexi, stalked up to him, just as her sister did.
Neither of them said a word, they just stared at him, sizing him up. Finally, without preamble, Alex reared her foot back and kicked him in the shin. She made sure to get his real leg and it smarted.
He hissed in a breath but didn’t argue. In fact, he liked that after all they’d been through, Alex and Beth were finally on the same team.
No matter what had transpired between he and Beth, she’d obviously turned to her sisters in her time of upheaval. He felt a sense of pride for her, that after all of her running, she’d finally run in the right direction when she’d needed help.
He wished like hell that she’d never run in the first place, but if she had to, he was glad she’d gone to them.
Family needed each other. His lips turned up at the thought of Beth calling on her sisters.
“You’re a moron,” Alexa ground out. “A grade A, first class idiot.”
“Ouch,” Tucker murmured behind him.
Andy nodded her head in agreement, arms crossed over her chest.
“I love her,” Logan said in answer.
Alex rolled her eyes but said nothing.
“I came here, hoping she would be here,” he continued. “One of these days, we’re going get it right.”
“She isn’t here,” Andy told him, dashing his hopes of a fast reconciliation. “She left this morning.”
“Because I was coming?” he asked the question even if he already knew the answer.
Andy surprised him then, asserting herself in a way she didn’t do very often.
“Everyone go get in a car and we’ll go to the game. Logan and I need a minute.”
“Andy,” Alex protested.
“You too,” Andy told her sister, similar in looks but so different in personality. Where Alex was brash and could be construed as angry, Andy was calmer, far more of a peacemaker than Alex. “I’ll be right there.” She looked to Owen. “Make sure Jenna’s got all her catcher’s gear. I don’t want one of us to have to run home in the middle of the game again to grab shin guards.” She looked at the Williams brothers. “It’s nice to meet you. We’ll be right along.”
Effectively dismissed, they went to the car, Tucker in the driver’s seat this time.
“It’s been a month and half,” Andy said plainly when they were alone.
“I’m a slow learner,” he shot back, leaning on the porch rail.
“I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt,” she said. “Because there was a time when I wasn’t ready to let Owen back in, but you were kind enough to take me aside and give me some words of wisdom. I know Beth is a tough nut to crack sometimes. She takes losses really hard, maybe even harder than the rest of us, and she holds them really close. It’s hard for her to let those things go, so instead of letting go, she takes what she knows and runs with them.”
He knew all of this, but he let her continue. Andy’s words made the love she had for her sister very clear and it made him happy to hear her protectiveness.
“Right now, she lost you.”
“She didn’t lose me,” he argued. “She left me. Again.”
“She lost you,” Andy spoke over him. “And she ran with her loss. I can tell you where she is and you can go running down to get her, but unless you’re willing to take her for who she is, there’s no point.”
“I’ve always taken her for who she is, Andy. I fell in love with her in less than twenty-four hours and I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed.”
“Everything has changed,” Andy pointed out. “This has been a heck of a year for both of you.” She made for the steps, telling him clearly that she was finished with the conversation. “I’ll give you the length of Jenna’s game to think about it. If you still want Beth, for exactly who she is and what she can or cannot give you in life, then we’ll talk about where she’s at.”
Three hours later, nothing had changed. If anything, Logan wanted to get to Beth more than ever.
He’d deduced from Andy’s words that Beth did indeed think he didn’t want a future with her because she couldn’t have his kids. And damn him, but he’d never done a thing to dissuade her of that notion after she’d told him the truth.
He felt like a grade A, first class idiot, just like Alex had accused him of being. The longer he thought about it, the worse he felt.
He’d watched the softball game, hoping for a distraction. Jenna was a natural athlete and played softball with the same skill and enthusiasm she did hockey. It was impressive to watch.
It also warmed his heart to see Owen on the sidelines, playing coach and dad all at the same time. The thought of the hardships Owen and Andy went through to get to this point made him hopeful for his o
wn future. If two people who despised each other as much as Owen and Andy had could make it, he and Beth could make it too.
He was sure of it.
Again, he hadn’t intended for the trip to be a group adventure.
After the game, they’d all gone back to Owen and Andy’s, where they’d played host, grilling steaks and hosting a celebration dinner. Though he’d been itching to get to Beth, he’d also wanted to make sure that Jenna knew he was there for her and her needs, not just looking for her aunt. When Andy and Own opened their home to them overnight, they’d all graciously accepted and spent the night.
Elliot had complained mildly, but after a sullen game of darts with Charlie Walker, Beth’s father, he’d perked up and acquiesced.
When he’d woken the next morning, everyone had been ready for a road trip to Rhode Island. Even Jenna had a pair of sunglasses on top of her head, a backpack over her shoulder. No amount of arguing had worked, and he found himself following Owen and Andy’s car down the highway.
This was not how he’d envisioned things going, but the more he thought about it, the better it seemed. Maybe having a crowd on his side would help her see that he was there for her. Maybe she’d listen to him if they all told her to.
Doubtful, but he had his hopes.
They were in three cars, Spencer refusing to be a passenger to anyone else. Logan checked his rearview mirror, seeing Spencer and Elliot’s faces looking back at him, Alex’s shorter head in the middle between them.
Jenna sat in the backseat of Tucker’s car with Cole, reviewing some new app on her phone that everyone was using, while Tucker rode shotgun, Logan driving.
The ride had been nearly silent, everyone knowing what was on the line: his entire future, what he hoped would be with Beth, if he could just get her to listen.
“She’ll say yes,” Tucker interrupted his thoughts, saying aloud what they were all thinking.
“Yeah, she will,” Cole agreed.
“She told me that sometimes, if you love someone you have to let them go,” Jenna intoned, her words sounding far more like Beth’s than her own. Beth tended to tell Jenna things she might not say to anyone else, so Logan was inclined to listen. “She said she let Logan go because he deserved to have a happy life. That’s dumb if she loves him, I thought, but she just said it was complicated.”
Confessing History (Freehope Book 3) Page 17