by James Kelman
So the bampot that’s telling ye the story works out an unlucky genius. That’s what he’s really telling ye man he’s an unlucky genius who keeps getting fuckt by fate. If it wasnay for fate he would be up there in the bright lights wining and dining with Hollywood movie stars. The usual bullshit man the crap, all the crap, all the crap that goes on, ye get fucking sick of it it drives ye fucking nuts, having to listen to it; all the punchlines ye know all the punchlines; it gets ye edgy, ye get edgy, fucking listening to it, ye want to spew, it nauseates ye, yer belly; ye cannay look at them man, the guys that are telling ye, ye cannay look at them, ye dont want to see their fucking eyes.
Sammy was trying to get that across to Helen, the message, what like it was, how it worked, the stupidity. Women have to know; men have to tell them, they’ve got to come clean, about what it is. All the crap. In his case it was the driving, he had never got his licence. Fuck off, he couldnay drive man that was how he didnay have a fucking licence: he couldnay fucking drive. He had never fucking learnt. He telt Helen that. He telt her. So what? It was comical anyway. Ye think about it. If there’s something to laugh about then laugh. It’s no just he didnay have his licence, he couldnay get his fucking licence, cause he couldnay fucking drive. What happened was the bevy
it wasnay the bevy it was him, it was just him. He was ower Seven Sisters’ way seeing an Irish guy he knew about a job. Some big hotel was getting a revamp, gutted out then rebuilt onto the auld outer facing cause of the heritage value subsidies or something. The job was there for the taking; the guy’s word was good and he was talking for Sammy; so it was no sweat. So what happened was he got in the boozer ahead of time and wound up sticking his name down for a game of pool. So he won the first game and hit a lucky streak. It was just one of these fucking nights I mean he was never brilliant at pool. The crack was good as well but and he was enjoying it. When he finally got fuckt a guy called him ower for a quiet word; one thing leading to another, wee bits of the lifestory had crept in.
By the time the Irish guy put in an appearance Sammy didnay need a job, he already had one. Cut a long story short, he was an extra body making up for a guy that was no longer available. It doesnay matter what they were doing except it went well for five goes. Five good goes. They got captured on the sixth. So that was that. It was to do with driving but there’s nay point in talking about it it was to do with the clutch thing and the gears. Okay. It was fucking crazy but cause it didnay have to happen, the sodjers didnay even know Sammy was there; he was out of sight, inside the motor. The rest of the team were already copped and the sodjers were set to call it a day. Then he switched on the ignition. Steve McQueen man it looks easy. He couldnay even get the fucking wheels turning; it fucking jammed or something, whatever it was. Seven years. Fuck sake man. Fucking crazy. He had telt it to a few guys. Sometimes it got a laugh and sometimes it didnay, but cunts knew what ye were talking about. Stupidity man that’s what ye’re talking about.
But telling it to Helen it sounded worse than stupit. As soon as he finished he knew something was wrong. Cause she just lay there, no moving a muscle. He prattled on trying to make it better. Still she never spoke man she never said a word. Fucking hell. I mean the only reason he telt her was cause he wanted to show her how things had changed, how all that kind of crap was in the past. How he had fucking changed. That was the past and this was the future. But going to the future ye needed that as well, the past man know what I’m saying ye had to get it out and let her know I mean just fucking show her, ye had to let her see. How else do ye fucking do it? Then she turned onto her back. Christ almighty. It was as clear as day how he remembered it. Ye wanted to grab her and give her a shake. Like she wasnay fucking listening man she wasnay listening, she had made up her mind; she was away in her own head; what she was thinking had fuck all to do with him, cause she hadnay understood, he hadnay got it across, whatever the fuck, he hadnay said it right.
Then the silence. Helen was good at silence; the silent treatment man she was good at it. He thought she was away to sleep. But he knew she wasnay cause of her breathing. Then too even the way she was breathing. Just the actual way ye heard her breath. Ye wondered if she was letting ye know she was awake, trying to tell ye maybe, like she was giving ye every chance to make amends, there was still time to clear it up, the misunderstanding, if that was what it fucking was, then there was still time, it was now, now was the time; and if he didnay go for it then it was all gony slip away, the fucking lot, it was all going it was disappearing, slipping out his grasp: so fuck it, he launched right in, acting like everything was alright between them, like he was quite happy with the way the last thing had turned out and this one was just
fuck knows man but he telt her the auld yin about him and Jackie Milligan. Thinking about it now, it was daft; ye had to admit it, he shouldnay have telt her at all cause it just wasnay a woman’s story. Whichever way ye looked at it man it wasnay. There again but telling her the tale meant he was telling her about himself as a boy. Surely that was a part of it as well. A big part of it. That hadnay occurred to him at the time but fuck sake I mean either she was interested in him or she wasnay.
Fucking hell. Auld Jackie but, sad as fuck. He was still doing time, unless he was dead, probably he was dead. He was from Liverpool. What happened was he went to the Smoke to do a bit of business for people; then once it was done he had to keep the head down. So as a favour to the ones he done the business for this name-guy in Glasgow gave him a roof. So Jackie got to Glasgow and that was him for a few weeks out of sight out of mind. The trouble was he hadnay the patience, plus he had dough in the pocket. A good guy Jackie but he was a gambler, a bit of a mad gambler, being honest, that was his problem. Plus women, an auld story. So Ayr Races was on, ower the jumps. It was just after the New Year. So okay.
So the guy’s been invisible for at least two months; the only thing he’s allowed to do is put a line on in the betting shop now and again. But even that’s a fucking rigmarole cause ye’ve got to be wary there as well. So anyway, he’s fucking sick of it. What he does he bolts the course for a day at the races; the full wad in the tail; two or three grand he was holding. So he’s only in the gaff ten minutes and he’s latched onto this bird. He was a sharp dresser Jackie; quite a good-looking guy. Probably too the patter, him being a Scouse and all that. But what happens but he backs the first four winners. No kidding ye man in the space of an hour and a half he’s went ten or twelve grand in front. Ye’re talking twenty year ago, know what I mean. So the lassie, she’s totally straight. She’s only at the track on some kind of works’ outing. She’s never met a cunt like him afore, never. What happens then, after the racing, yer man, he’s looking about, itchy fingers and all that. A game of cards man that’s what he’s looking for. So he jumps a taxi and tells the guy to take them to Aberdeen. Now the lassie’s married. She isnay wanting to go to Aberdeen, she cannay; she’s got to get home and all that. But Jackie’s persuaded her, he’s telt her he’s got a message to go but it isnay a problem cause there’s a last plane home and they’ll catch that; nay danger. I mean there’s nay fucking plane, no that he knew about. The way it was, the way Jackie saw it, about Aberdeen and all that it was his only chance. It’s now or never, know what I’m saying; he’s out this once, there’s no gony be a second time. And he doesnay want the bold fellow, the name-guy in Glasgow, he doesnay want him finding out. So he’s got to be back first thing in the morning, the crack of dawn. Ye see Edinburgh was nay good; too close, too risky; and he couldnay hit Newcastle either cause that’s even riskier, the way he saw it anyway man it being England and all that. He telt Sammy he thought about going to Deauville in France but it was too tricky, too many hassles. Whatever, it had to be the now, right fucking now; he’s got the dough and he’s got the bird. So Aberdeen, on the taxi, whatever the fuck that costs. They book into a hotel; five-star room service and all that man the salmon sandwiches and the bottle of champagne; a quick shag and a shower then out. He finds this casino; he’s go
t to drop the doorman cause of the 48 hour membership thing. But he gets it settled. Then he can relax. Whatever man it’s done, know what I’m saying, that’s that; from here on man fuck sake anything, okay, so he takes the lassie back out to this high-class restaurant, no for nay reason, they’re no really that hungry I dont think it’s just fucking part of it, giving the lassie a bit of a go; so they have a drink and a meal and all that, etcetera. Then the casino. Jackie wasnay interested in roulette nor fuck all, blackjack; nayn of that crap; poker was his game and he’s heard stories about wild money off the rigs. He’s hoping to score an introduction. That’s the main reason how he’s there, at the casino. So he’s sniffing about. Now ye’ve got to mind as well, never mind it’s Aberdeen man he’s got to be wary, there’s some heavy people looking for him, and we’re no talking about the sodjers. Anyway, one thing and another, he scores a contact; some big Canadian cowboy; there is a game but it’s outside the city, up the coast a few miles. Nay bother, the cowboy gives them a lift. Cut a long story short they get to the house and Jackie gets wiped out. The way he telt Sammy he’s unlucky but who knows; they were playing stud and all that and there was the big last hand and he gets fuckt on the last card out the pack. Whatever. It’s all fucking legit but so he’s got nay grumbles. He comes out the house about seven in the morning and starts hoofing it. He’s got about three quid in the tail and he’s keeping it for emergencies. So he’s well down the road and he remembers the bird; she’s back in the house man she’s still waiting, sound asleep on a chair in one of the rooms. But fuck it what can he do he’s skint, he’s fucking stony, right out the game; she’s better off making it herself, the way his luck was running. The worst of it was the couple of grand he started the day with, it wasnay his – well it was, but mostly it was earmarked; one thing and another; going invisible isnay cheap man know what I’m saying. So he’s desperate; half of fucking Britain’s after him, he doesnay need the other half. So at the wind-up he’s made contact with Sammy and ye’ve got to say Sammy’s a wee bit chuffed, him being only 19 at the time, just turned. It so happens him and his mates used to hang about in one of the betting shops Jackie went to. Ach well, fuck it, so a couple of days later they’re captured, the Lake District, roundabout there, nay point prolonging the agony. Sammy got four and done four. Auld Jackie, copped for the lot, the London stuff and the rest.
Fucking hopeless. Nay point talking about it. Ye shouldnay fucking talk about it. Nothing to talk about anyway it’s fucking just
it’s fuck all, it doesnay matter, ye know, doesnay fucking matter, just get it out the fucking road.
Helen; she went right in on Jackie. How the fuck did he get you! How the fuck did he get you. A nineteen-year-auld boy.
So fucking what, the guy was desperate, nay point in fucking going into all that.
But here he telt a lie. He telt Helen that Jackie was originally looking for Sammy’s mate; he was looking for Sammy’s mate cause he knew he was a good punter. Whereas it was Sammy he was looking for cause it was Sammy was the punter. It wasnay major money he betted but it was everything he had in his pocket. And Jackie had sussed that. So there ye go. We’re all fucking desperate man know what I mean.
So that was that. That was fucking Helen man. Ye might have thought she would have got upset about the lassie left with the fucking cowboys but she didnay. She didnay seem to anyway. Fuck it.
The big freeze.
It all happened when he was a kid, that was what she didnay seem to understand. Plus ye’re talking something that happened twenty year ago. And he was only fucking telling her to let her know he had changed! Jesus christ! Cause he was seeing a way ahead. For the two of them. There was things he was gony be doing and it was down to him and nay other cunt, that was what he was telling her. The whole fucking point of the story. He failed with the first yin and now the second yin as well man he had failed with that too; not only failed but he had made matters worse. If he had just fucking let her go to sleep.
It didnay fucking matter about the story. Even if it was all fucking junk. All he was doing was telling her he had changed. That was fucking all.
Okay.
So what ye do is dont blab. He knew that afore he started I mean he fucking knew that jesus christ. Okay, fuck it. Ye just cannay have it all ways. Some people seem to want that. Of course what he should have done man, what he should have done, he should have took her in his arms and gave her a kiss, he should have kissed her, telt her all the shit was finished. Cause it was finished, it fucking was. So he should have telt her. Ye kid yerself on man that’s the problem. Ye get yer chance and ye blow it.
So then ye leave it. Ye have to leave it. I’m talking about once it’s happened, once ye have blown it; then ye leave it. That’s what ye learn. Stay sane at all costs.
So fuck it, the stick needed painting and now was the time. And Sammy was getting up off the settee. Nay bother. Okay.
Cause part of the trouble in getting from a to b was cunts no knowing the score. They didnay realise ye needed a help. The white stick and the shades, they would work like a passport.
He double-locked the door after him. He was taking fuck all chances from now on. From now on man, from now on.
Along the corridor he chapped the door, and when it opened he said, Hullo.
Aye hullo son… It was the same guy that lent him the saw.
Me again. Sammy said, The thing is eh – I’m actually blind. It sounds daft…
…
Naw that was how I borrowed yer saw yesterday, to cut the head off the mop – I’m using it as a walking stick.
Aw…right.
What it is, I’m wanting to paint it now so’s it looks the part. So I was just wondering, see I’ve got some white gloss in the lobby press; trouble is I’ve got a few tins lying and eh I cannay tell which is which, know what I mean, sounds stupit.
…
Think ye could give us a hand digging it out? Once I get the tin it’s nay bother it’s just…it’s making sure it’s the right one.
Aw aye son aye I see what ye’re saying, aye.
Great.
Aye christ…nay bother. Hang on till I get my shoes. Heh what’s yer name by the way?
Sammy.
Sammy, that’s right, aye, ye telt me; I’m Boab. I’ll just get my shoes. Come on in a wee minute.
Eh
Just say hello to the wife and that, she’s sitting watching the telly with the grandweans.
It’s just I’ve left the door open.
Go and shut it.
Sammy hesitated again. See Boab what it is, I’m no wanting to be cheeky it’s just eh I’m gony be going out and that and eh
It’s only to say hello. Go and close ower yer door.
Sammy sighed. I’m wanting to get the stick painted.
I’ll do it for ye son dont worry about it.
Aye but I want to do it myself I mean…
Right, right okay.
See I’m going out later, ye know, it’s eh, being honest Boab it’s the girlfriend, when she comes home. I was just wanting to get it ower and done and that.
Aye nay bother; that’s what I’m saying but I’ll do it for ye. A lick of paint I mean what’s that, it’s nothing; if ye give us a minute.
…
Just hang on and I’ll get my shoes.
The guy went back inside. Sammy closed his eyes. It’s only he didnay want to have to talk. If he went in and met Boab’s wife then it would be that kind of situation where he would be forced to fucking explain the situation. Probably her and Helen already knew each other, probably they had met on the stair or something, in the lift maybe. It was just fucking complicated it was complicated; everything was fucking complicated. His belly as well man even just now, nerves; nerves. Christ almighty. He walked back along to his own door and stood leaning against the parapet. A dampness, it seemed like rain ahead.
Alright Sammy!
He opened the door and led Boab inside. What the fuck did it matter. Life was too short
; time was too short. Nayn of it mattered. Boab had started yapping on. It was precise what Sammy had thought, his wife and Helen had already met. Fuck sake. Ye might have known. Sammy opened the cupboard door. It’s in there somewhere, he said.
Pete sake Sammy ye’ve a lot of stuff in here! Boab chuckled. It’s a right glory-hole. I’ll switch the light on eh?
Aw aye on ye go. Sammy stepped back, listening to Boab shifting stuff about. He didnay want him shifting stuff about. It should be on that second shelf up above, he said, hard against the wall, can ye no see them? there should be a few tins.
Right!
Good.
Aye the white…I see it!
Thank fuck, muttered Sammy.
Where’s yer brushes and that?
In the living room.
Boab got the tin down from the shelf, switched off the light and closed the door. Aye, he said, yer girlfriend was in having a wee blether with the wife.
Right.
A couple of weeks ago. She didnay say ye were blind but.
Naw.
Nice lassie…
Aye. Look Boab I dont mind painting it myself I mean christ…
Och away.
Sammy sniffed.
It’ll no take me a minute. I know ye’re wanting to do it yerself and all that but I’m thinking about streaks; ye’re no wanting it all streaks. Plus ye’re bound to miss bits. And maybe what ye’re no thinking about’s the floor, if ye spill a few drops and ye’ve got to give it a clean. Ye’ll no even know ye’ve spilt them. Then yer girlfriend comes home from her work and ye’re in trouble. Dont get me wrong son I’m no talking about henpecking, I just mean the paint’ll go dry and it’ll be a buggar getting it cleaned up; I’m talking about once it hardens.
Sammy held the living-room door open. He was gony let the guy batter on with it; plus what he said made sense – no that it fucking mattered, a few drops here and there, what difference did it make. Okay, he said, thanks Boab.