by JA Low
“Oscar!” Isla yells at her brother. “You can’t talk to my new boss like that.” Isla looks over to where the chef is sitting and mouths, Sorry. The fucker gives her a blinding smile, that definitely says don’t worry you’ll still end up in my bed. Fucker!
“Say something, dickhead.” Derrick elbows me.
“Congrats,” I mumble from my end of the table. Isla turns and gives me a small smile and goes back to talking to her friends.
“Nice one.” Derrick glares at me.
“What the hell do you want me to say?” My heart is beating a million miles a minute, the room feels small, my body is on fire. Derrick turns his back to me and starts talking to the person sitting next to him. Well fuck him too! My chair scrapes on the floor echoing throughout the room making people stop and stare at me.
“I need my beauty sleep guys. Got to look fresh for the wedding tomorrow.” I put on my best smile when really inside I am dying. They smile and turn back to their conversations. I can’t get out of there quick enough.
Wedding
It’s almost midnight and I am exhausted. Christian and Vanessa are finally married for the second time. They are happy, and why shouldn’t they be after everything the two of them have gone through they deserve it, plus Christian is about to become a father to twin girls. Now that is karma working at its best. Evan is about to become a father for the second time to another boy. Oscar and Stacey have become closer since they hooked up last year at Evan and Sienna’s wedding, but he is very guarded about her, which is a first for him, he’s always so open about the girls he’s with to me. Guess that just leaves Axel, Jackson and I to fly the single guy flag, but I don’t know how long for. Apparently, Axel’s been hooking up with Olivia on the sly, but not sure how that will last when she lives here in a castle and he on the other side of the world. At least Jackson is single; I can always count on my brother to still want to hang out.
I’m still in shock that Isla is leaving. Ten years she has been a constant team member and now she’s happy to throw it all away. I don’t understand. Of course you do, it’s your fault. That niggly little voice in my head yells at me. Would she be leaving if she didn’t find you with that guy in the shower? It was fucking stupid. I’ve never been so careless before. I thought she had left, that’s what Jackson told me, and I let my guard down. I had come down to my cabin to get away from it all, I was sick of watching her in Tyler’s arms all night. The way he was freely touching her, the smile that he put on her face, the easy banter between them. It drives me insanely jealous. It’s how we used to be before everything went to shit. I had made my way down and not realized someone had followed me. I wasn’t looking to hook up with anyone, male or female, but then he was there. I was drunk and slowly started to undress myself and made my way into the shower, leaving the door open for him; an invitation. I had all this pent up anxiety rolling around my body and I needed it gone. He took his cue and followed me, closing the door behind him. He stripped down and sauntered toward me, hunger radiating from his dark eyes. He then fell to his knees and I was powerless to stop him. I should of. But the last thing I expected was for Isla to walk through the door and catch us. The sheer and utter devastation on her face when she realized the person on their knees was a man and not a woman gutted me. I honestly believe that she would have been okay if it was a woman. I rake my hands through my hair. I fucked up. I fucked everything up. I should have been honest with her from the start, all those years ago when it first happened at The Paradise Club. It surprised me. It confused me. I fought it. I hated myself. I was messed up over it, thinking there was something wrong with me because never in my life before had I ever desired a man. But as I slowly explored things at The Paradise Club, the more I realized I liked it. I knew that I didn’t want a relationship with a guy, I never wanted to date a man, but sexually, I was okay with either male or female. How do you explain that to someone?
When Isla met Liam it killed me, but I thought it was for the best, that she would be able to have a life that I could never give her, a normal life. But when that came crashing down and she came to me, sought comfort in me, I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t hold back. I was weak, it had been years since I had her and I needed her more than anything. I was selfish. I only thought of my needs not hers. And with each time we slept together I could see I was damaging her, little by little. I tried to stop. I wanted to stop. I was sick of hurting her. But then I’d have a taste and we would be at square one again. This time I think I’ve done irreparable damage to her, I don’t know if the old Finn and Isla can come back from this one.
I trudge my way through the castle, continue up the stone staircase toward my room which is set in a turret, which is pretty cool. I have a beautiful view over the rolling green hills of the estate, it’s peaceful. A door opens down the corridor and Isla emerges from her room, she’s dressed in her bridesmaid dress, looking like the most beautiful woman in the world today. My heart stopped when I saw her walking down the aisle today, because I knew that she would never be mine again. Isla looks up and pauses when she sees me at my door, we haven’t been alone together in months.
“Just had to change my shoes. My feet are killing me.” She shows me the slippers on her feet. I nod. The awkwardness between us is killing me. Giving her a small smile, I turn the handle to my door and disappear into my room. Closing the wooden door behind me, I fall back against the door, my head hanging in shame. I hate that I’ve done this. Then there’s a knock at the door which makes me jump away from it. My heart almost leaps out of my chest. Slowly, I open it and see Isla standing there before me. Those ice-blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears. Silence falls between us on the doorstep. “May I come in?” I move to the side and let her enter my personal space, closing the door behind me.
“Would you like a drink?” I point to the mini bar.
“Yes please.” I pour us both some tequila, I think we are going to need this for whatever is about to be discussed between us. I hand her the drink, our fingers touching, sparks shoot up my forearm at the tiniest touch of our skin. I know she feels it to as her cheeks turn a pale shade of pink. “Are you gay, Finn?” I take a big gulp of my tequila because I am going to need it for this conversation.
29
Isla
I miss him so much. Being apart from him all this time hasn’t made those feelings go away. But I am so confused and I can’t talk to anyone about it. Do they even know Finn’s secret? Seeing him tonight looking so lonely and sad at his door, I couldn’t take it anymore. When he gave me a sad smile and disappeared into his room, I knew I needed to fix this for both of our sanities. I knocked on his door and he opened it with surprise written on his face.
“May I come in?” He doesn’t owe me anything, especially not after all the disgusting things I said to him that night. He lets me in and I step into the warm confines of his room. My hands are shaking; my stomach is doing anxious loop-de-loops.
“Would you like a drink?” I am going to need one to get through this. He pours me a generous glass of tequila and hands it to me. Our fingers touch and the old sparks are still there even if it was for the briefest of moments. I know he felt it too because he looked away uncomfortably. Just like a Band-Aid, Issy, rip it off.
“Are you gay, Finn?” Those sea green eyes widen as he throws back the whole contents of his glass and pours himself another. “It’s okay if you are.” Finn frowns at me for a couple of moments and I can see he is trying to work out the words he needs.
“I’m not gay, Issy.” The comment releases some of the tension currently taking over my body. “I’m bisexual.” Okay, so he likes men and women, this is okay, I can handle that. “But I don’t want a relationship with a man.” Huh? He must see the confusion on my face. “I like playing around with both sexes, but I only want a relationship with one.”
“When did you know you liked both?” Has he always been like this? Was it during his football days, mucking around in the locker rooms with all those nak
ed men? Issy, this is not your fantasy, get a hold of yourself. Finn looks at the floor, turning his tumbler around in his big hands.
“I didn’t know until I started going to The Paradise Club.” Interesting. “I explored everything when I first started going there, I never knew a place like that existed.”
“How did…?” Not sure why I am torturing myself. Finn gives me a look of do you seriously want me to tell you? I give him a nod to let him know to proceed.
“It was in the middle of an orgy.” My stomach turns. “Things kind of got a little wild but I went with it. I thought it would be weird touching another man or having one touch me, but it wasn’t any different to the other times I’d shared groupies with the boys.”
“Have you…with any of…?” Not sure if I want to know the answer to that, especially when Finn’s face pales. He stands up quickly and pours himself another drink. He quickly shoots it back. “Finn.” I walk up behind him and lay a hand on his tense back. “The things I said to you that night.” A single tear falls down my cheek. “I…I was shocked. I had no idea this was even going on. I was completely blindsided. But I never ever wanted to make you feel less of a person because of what you like in the bedroom. It kills me, Finn, that I hurt you like that.” The tears come heavily now. Finn turns around and is looking directly at me, he too has tears in his eyes.
“I didn’t know how to tell you. I never wanted you to look at me the way you did that night. I never wanted to hurt you.” I can see the anguish in his face, the hurt that I caused, the worry for not being accepted for who he truly is. My mind replays the conversations Derrick had with us about his family not accepting him being gay, having to carry around this secret life all because people wouldn’t accept him because he loved someone different. Fuck. That’s the exact reason why Finn has never told me because he was worried that I would react the way I did last night. Maybe I would have reacted differently if he had told me instead of actually seeing it but maybe I wouldn’t have. Fuck. I wrap my arms around Finn and hold him tight.
“I’m so sorry, Finn. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. That I made all your fears come to life. That you couldn't trust me with your secret. That I destroyed us.” Finn grabs my face between his palms, my tears running over his fingertips.
“I should have been honest from the moment we started hooking up again. I should never have let you find out about my secret the way that you did. I don’t blame you for reacting the way you did. It would have been a shock. I made you feel unworthy for being secretive. I destroyed us, Is. Me. Not you. I fucked up. I kept something from you, and instead of being a man, I pushed you away, like a fucking pussy.” My heart is breaking at his confession, both of us have made stupid decisions over the years that have messed up what we had together. I push up on my tiptoes and kiss him. Finn stills for a moment wondering if this is just a comfort kiss or something more. When I open my mouth for him and sweep my tongue across his mouth, he lets me in. His hands grip tighter around my face as our kiss intensifies. I need him like I’ve never needed anyone before. My hands work their way under his jacket, slipping the designer material off over his broad shoulders. My fingers fist into his shirt as he pulls me closer to him, his muscles rippling under my touch. I need more. One by one I start to unbutton his shirt as my swollen lips continue kissing him as if he is my last dying breath. I pull off his shirt but it becomes stuck around his wrists; stupid cufflinks. Finn pulls away from my mouth, bringing his hands to his shirt sleeves, his fingers fiddling with the cufflinks, the sound of metal hitting the floor as each one is discarded echoes through the room. Hunger fills his eyes as he kicks off his shoes. My shaky hands start to undo the zip at the back of my dress. Slowly, I watch as his hands go to the belt at his waist, his skillful fingers loosens the leather and button. My eyes follow the zip on his trousers as he slowly lowers it, exposing the bulge beneath. Finally, I reach the end of my zip and my bridesmaid dress falls to the floor, leaving me in nothing but my lace underwear and slippers. Finn’s lips are on me again. He picks me up into his arms, my legs wrapping around his trim waist, he carries me a couple of steps until we reach the bed, his lips never leaving mine. He places me ever so carefully in the middle of the bed, my back hitting the soft duvet. Then I feel his hard body against mine, every ridge, every hard plain against my soft skin. My legs open for him, letting him rest between them, my hands run up and down his back. His hardness pressing against my thigh, I need him. I push the waist of his boxer briefs down a fraction enough for his thickness to be released. I have the tiniest G-string on and with enough friction the flimsy material easily falls to the side. Opening my legs wider, letting him position himself between them, the thick head rubbing against the lace of my underwear, both of us moaning with need. I reach between us, moving the material to the side, my fingers touching the velvety skin as I open myself for him. With one hard thrust he is inside of me. Filling me. The ache that has been there now filled. My body feeling complete as we become one.
“I love you, Issy. I love you with all my heart,” he whispers into my ear. His declarations spurring me on as I pull him closer to me, my hands slipping over his heated skin. I need more. I want more. “I never wanted to hurt you.” It’s too much, it’s all too much. The sensations are overwhelming, every fiber of me is on fire, every nerve ending sparking, waiting to ignite and blow.
30
Finn
This is not at all how I thought my night would end with Isla wrapped in my arms after making love to her. We have so many things to sort out but maybe there’s a chance that we could…we could actually make a go of this, of us as a couple, of us maybe being forever. Isla snuggles into my chest as the fire roars beside us, the windows steamed up from our love making.
“That was unexpected,” she giggles. I turn and push her blonde hair away from her face.
“It certainly was.” I lean down to kiss her swollen lips.
“We forgot to use protection.” Those ice-blue eyes focus on me.
“I haven’t been with anyone since that night. I’ve been tested.” Isla looks away from me. “I know about you and Wes,” I tell her. Her head whips around.
“Derrick told you, didn’t he?” She rolls her eyes. “He can’t keep a secret.”
“You’re single, it’s okay.” Even though deep down I hate it.
“I’ve been tested since and I’m okay.” This is so awkward.
“We have a lot of things to talk about, don’t we?” I run my thumb over her cheek.
“We do.” Isla lets out a yawn.
“It can wait until the morning.” I give her a quick kiss. “It’s been a long day.” She nods and snuggles in further to me. “But we need to talk, Issy.”
“I know we do.” And with that she falls promptly asleep. I’m not far behind her.
Why am I overheating? I stretch out my tired body.
“Morning.” Isla’s voice greets me. My eyes widen as I catch her looking up at me. “Did ya forget I was here?” A smirk crosses her beautiful face.
“Only for a second.” She chuckles. “I thought last night was a dream.” “Me too, until I woke up with your dick in my back.” I raise an eyebrow at her.
“Think I might need some help with that.” I roll over and press my morning wood into her. Her hands press down on my chest halting me.
“There’s time for that, but first you and I need to talk.” I bury my face against her chest, I just want to stay here like this, because once that can of worms opens up there’s no going back. “Hey.” She lifts my chin up to face her. “I promise I will listen no matter what you have to say, not matter what I hear. I promise I am here for you.” I lean forward and kiss her, she smiles against my lips. I roll back onto my back and place my hands behind my head.
“Fine. What do you want to know?” Isla is quiet for a couple of moments, probably thinking over her questions.
“So, you said that this all started at The Paradise Club.” I nod in agreement. “And never befor
e?” I shake my head. “So…you kind of just became bisexual overnight.” It’s hard for someone to understand how another can just one day start liking the same sex, and honestly it’s taken me years to work it out in myself. Pulling my arms down, I roll back on my side.
“I wouldn’t say I am traditionally bisexual because I’m not looking to fall in love with a man. I guess I consider myself straight in a relationship and fluid in the bedroom.”
“You’ve never wanted a relationship with a man? What happens if you fell in love with one?” I’ve thought about this.
“I guess, never say never but it’s like, say girls experimenting with other girls but only when they are drunk or in a threesome. Most of them don’t consider themselves bisexual because they don’t want to date a woman, but they don’t mind playing in the bedroom with one.” Isla nods and I can see she is thinking this over.
“And that’s what you're like?”
“Yes. It’s rare for me to play one on one with a man, it is usually in a group setting in a threesome or foursome or so on.” Isla’s forehead crinkles.
“But on the ship…in the shower…” I know what she is thinking.
“I was jealous. You spent all night basically in Tyler’s lap. I hated it. I hated that you two were so close. That I drove you into his arms. I wanted to get away from it so I went downstairs to my room, the guy followed me. Offered himself and I foolishly didn’t say no. I just wanted to escape.”
“Do you think you could give it all up?” The vulnerability on her face says it all, she’s asking if I’m willing to give it all up for her.
“It’s not a need, Issy. It’s just something I do at the club, like a threesome. I don’t need it every single time I have sex but sometimes it’s nice for a change.” Honesty, that is what I have to give her.