Do or Die

by Rita Harling

  My mam was great to agree to supervise the visitations. Unfortunately Brian soon started to threaten her. He’d tell her that ‘things could happen to you when you are out with me’. Mam was not afraid of him. But I was – so much so that I purchased a Dictaphone. I got Robyn to carry it in her bag. After the visitations I would replay the recordings. They were sometimes very muffled, drowned out by the shopping centre’s background music. I hated the thought of the visitations and hated the thought of my kids and my mother having to meet Brian. The recordings were the only way I felt that I could make sure that my family was OK.

  The court visits continued over the next few months. Brian had told me that he would be applying for full custody of Conor. He did this because he thought Conor would be financially better off with him than with me, he said. I was terrified of losing my son. I prayed that the courts would listen to me. I feared that if I did not fight hard enough for Conor that there was a possibility that Brian would win and have control of our son.

  Brian’s mam, Ann, also attended the court hearings. I didn’t mind Ann having access to Conor, but I feared that she would allow Brian to have more freedom with him. I worried about what Conor would witness while he was with his father. The judge understood my concerns and it was agreed that my mam and Brian’s mam would share the supervised access on alternating weekends at the shopping centre. This worked for a while, until Conor came home one Saturday with his hair shaved tight. I was furious. Conor told me that his grandmother hadn’t been there. It was Brian and his sister who had brought him to the barbers.

  I was in my mam’s house when Conor came home. Brian, his sister and her two children brought him to the door. I was furious when I saw him. I had always kept Conor’s hair long, as he had very blond eyebrows. I had planned on cutting it shorter when he got older and as his hair darkened. I gave out, and they left. I remember Brian insulting me by suggesting that I give Conor a bath, as there was a smell off him. Poor Conor overheared his hurtful remark. That made me very angry. Conor was scrubbed clean and he was wearing new clothes that day when he went out with his dad. Brian really tried his best to belittle us whenever possible.

  A while later Brian’s sister and Ann returned to my mam’s house. Ann was giving out and had her foot in the door, making it harder for us to close it on her. His sister had told her mam that her kids were traumatised and hysterical after I had given out. I knew that this was nonsense and my mam agreed that it was an exaggeration.

  Ann was panicking because she realised that she was the one that was supposed to be supervising that day and she hadn’t been there. Instead of going with Brian, she had let him take control. I knew that having Conor’s hair shaved was Brian’s way of making the point that he was in control. My mam stood at the door with me. She told them to leave and pointed out to Ann: ‘Brian’s your son, Ann, and you will believe anything he tells you!’ My mam was seventy-five years old and she didn’t need this hassle. She was trying to protect us. As they left they called me a scumbag and an unfit mother.

  I rang my solicitor, Avril Sheridan, and she told me that they had no right to cut Conor’s hair. Avril said that she would send a letter to that effect to Brian. She told me that I was Conor’s sole guardian and that no one else could make that decision, certainly not the Kenny clan. They always stood up for Brian and they always would. I was sick of the courts and I was sick of the Kennys.

  Brian had no problem arriving at Mary’s house unannounced while we were living there. This was a real shock, especially as Mary’s home felt like a safe plave. She was so kind to us and really looked after us. One day I saw him walk up the driveway carrying something that looked quite heavy. I went to open the front door and Conor followed me. I didn’t know Conor was behind me. As I was about to open the door to vent my frustration at Brian for brazenly appearing on Mary’s doorstep, Conor reached for the handle and beat me to it. Brian bent down to Conor and patted him on the head. He awkwardly placed the object that he was carrying down in the porch. I knew immediately that it was some type of animal in a cage. Conor got down on his knees and had a closer look. He was delighted. Brian just smirked at me and left. I knew that Conor was happy with his new furry friend, but I was not. Again this was another way for Brian to get at me and for him to try and win his son’s affection. Conor was really pleased with his pet. It was a black rabbit that he called Homer. What made him think he could decide when Conor got a pet, especially when we didn’t have our own home?

  I didn’t know if Brian was deliberately trying to annoy me or if he wanted to please Conor — probably both. The arrival of Conor’s new pet clearly put me in an awkward position. It was Mary’s home and she was good enough to be putting up the three of us. Now I was going to have to explain the arrival of a rabbit. I am not great with pets, especially ones that arrive uninvited! I had enough to deal with without caring for an animal too. Conor was too young to look after it. Did Brian really think that a pet rabbit would ease Conor’s pain or make up for the hurt that he had caused him?

  Mary didn’t complain as she was glad that Conor was happy for a while, and it seemed to distract him. I know that Homer the rabbit kept him company for a while, until he grew fed up with it. The rabbit was later adopted by a relative who lived in Sligo, and he promised Conor that he would look after him. I was glad that he had found a new home. The stench from the hutch when I cleaned it every day was enough to make me sick.

  It was the start of summer and we were still living with Mary, waiting to hear from the City Council about our new home. I was working away at United and I was enjoying my newfound freedom to an extent. I travelled to New York with my sister and we had a terrific time. We had unlimited free travel with United Airlines and we received first-class treatment on the way over. We were like two pampered pooches. We sipped expensive champagne and had a fancy three-course meal.

  When we got to New York we visited all the sites and shopped in all the shops we had wanted to visit. We took the ferry over to Ellis Island and visited the statue of Liberty which was a very significant moment for me as the monument stands for freedom. We decided that we would go and see Ground Zero. I remember the stench that hung in the air as we got closer to the site. I was saddened by the displays of photos and belongings of those who had perished on September 11 2001. There was a wooden boundary that stood as a perimeter around Ground Zero. It had photographs of all who were missing or dead. We saw photos of the flight crew that were on the United Airlines flight that day. We both cried — it was so emotional.

  There was a platform that overlooked the site, and when we climbed it we could see the whole area. It was amazing. There were diggers and cranes clearing the debris. There was a large United Airlines flag on the platform for people to sign. We signed it as two United Airlines staff from little old Ireland.

  It was my first visit to New York and it had been an emotional and unforgettable one. I had never thought that I would ever get there. Life had been so difficult that I thought that all I had to look forward to was the constant fear of Brian Kenny. My life was changing for the better.

  On the 23 June 2003 Mary woke me during the night. She was whispering and beckoning me to come out of the bedroom and to be quiet and not wake the kids up. I got up and met her on the landing. She told me that she had just received a call from Brian. It must have been about one or two into the morning. She said he was screaming down the phone in pain, claiming that he had just been shot. She said she believed him. He told her to get me to ring his parents. I thought it was strange. Why would he ring Mary? She asked me what do. I told her to do nothing, leave him. I didn’t care if it was true, as a part of me would have felt some relief if he died. But my conscience got the better of me and we decided to call an ambulance and the gardaí. We tried Brian’s parents’ house phone but we got their answering machine.

  The following morning we listened to the radio news to find out if there were any reports of a shooting. I wondered if Brian was dead. I drove from Mary�
��s to mam’s house to tell her the news. I took Conor with me, as Mary was heading to work and there was no one that could mind him. I was on my way along McKee Avenue in Finglas when I heard a garda siren. I looked in the rear-view mirror and realised that the car was chasing me, so I pulled into the kerb. I was a nervous wreck. I feared that they were going to take me into the station for questioning in relation to Brian’s shooting. A garda got out of the car and I waited nervously as he approached mine. He went to the back door on the passenger’s side and opened it. He then leaned in and told me that door was not closed properly. He then gave me the biggest smile and left. I was so relieved.

  Amanda Joyce rang me later to tell me about Brian’s injuries. Why did she think I cared? I had been hoping that he was dead. He had received gunshot wounds to his back and one of his legs, and I believe that another bullet grazed his head. Two armed men had come in through the front window of the cottage. Brian tried to escape through the back door but they caught up with him in the back garden and he was taken down with three shots. I know this sounds callous, but I was glad he felt the fear and pain that he had put me through. Brian blamed the Finglas brothers for the attack. It reminded me of the time one of the brothers had found me in a horrendous state recovering from Brian’s vicious attack on me.

  I had a couple of months of peace from Brian; I guessed that he was busy attending hospitals for treatments. But I knew that I would hear from him again soon.

  I was still waiting to be housed by the council and I was getting desperate. Although Mary never made us feel anything but welcome, the room seemed to be closing in on me. The kids had the beds and I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I still had pain from the surgeries and the sleeping situation wasn’t helping. The kids were doing remarkably well, although Conor was not settling down at nightime. I had always stuck to a routine with the kids at bedtime. They went to bed each night at the same time. Robyn was seven years older that Conor, so she was allowed to stay up longer than her brother. Conor was not sleeping properly. I was worried about him. I would often have to call Robyn in from the street as she played with her pals, because Conor would not sleep without her lying beside him. I wondered what was playing on his mind. I thought that he was maybe missing Brian and the cottage in some way. He must have missed him and missed his home. It had been a big change for the three of us. Brian had stripped us of everything and left us homeless, and we were relying on the generousity of others.

  Mary and I went to see a local Sinn Fein councillor and explained my situation to him. He knew of Brian Kenny and was aware of everything that I had gone through. He said that he would try to help. The council contacted me a couple of weeks later and told me that they had a house for me. They couldn’t give me a date, but I didn’t care — I was delighted and overwhelmed, so much so that I cried.

  On 1 September that year Conor started school. I cried when I left the little guy into school. I think every mother there that day was crying. The assembly area in the playground was a sea of colour, with hundreds of bright-blue uniforms and colourful schoolbags. Some of the kids were excited and happy, although there were a few kids that were nervous and crying.

  I collected my mam later that day and we headed back to the school to collect him. I didn’t know that Brian and Amanda Joyce were sitting in their car outside the school, waiting for Conor to come out. When I came through the gates of the school with Conor, Brian approached us. I told Conor to keep walking and to ignore him, and I brushed past Brian. I got Conor into the car as quickly as I could. My mam was sitting in the front of the car. She had the door open and was insisting that Brian leave. He was hurling abuse at me. Then Amanda Joyce approached the car. I told Mam to call the gardaí, which she did. It was Conor’s first day at school and it was being overshadowed by them. They went back to their car and sat inside it with the windows rolled down. I was so angry. I walked over to the car, leaned in the window and leered at both of them.

  ‘See you, I’m not afraid of you,’ I said firmly to Brian. Then to Amanda I said, And as for you, I’m certainly not afraid of you!’

  They seemed shocked.

  You will be when you’re set on fire in your sleep,’ Brian said, stuttering.

  ‘Very fond of fire, Brian, aren’t you?’ I shot back.

  What do you mean?’ he asked.

  What about the garage you torched in Clonsilla, Brian? Will I tell the gardaí about that when they arrive?’ I said. ‘Oh, and by the way, Amanda,’ I added, ‘did he tell you that he torched your brother’s car?’

  She was speechless. She looked at Brian in disbelief. He didn’t say another word. I could hear the siren of a garda car approaching. Brian started up the engine.

  ‘Are you not going to wait for them, Brian? They’re on the way.’ I said sarcastically.

  He drove away.

  I knew that Brian was fond of setting fire to things. I wonder what Amanda thought. Joey had been left in Brian’s car while he torched the garage in Clonsilla. Brian went back the next day to claim compensation for another of his cars, which was inside when the place went up in flames. He really had some nerve.

  After the attempt on Brian’s life, I refused to let him have any contact with Conor. It was too dangerous. Brian had to go to court and reapply for access. He was once again given four hours supervised access to Conor. Again this access was to be supervised by my mam. I was very worried about it. If there was another attempt on Brian’s life, I hoped that it would happen when my family were not with him.

  Again Brian would meet my mam in Omni Park shopping centre and spend some time with Conor. Once, when I picked them up, my mam and the kids were laughing. When I asked them what they were laughing at, Mam told me the funniest thing. She said that the centre had clowns and face-painters there that day. The clowns had been handing out sweets and balloons to the kids. She said that she had never seen anyone jump out of their skin like Brian did when the kids started bursting the balloons. She said that they sounded like gunfire and that he was petrified. She laughed and said that she would pay money to see that again. We laughed all the way home.

  On 14 September 2002 the council finally gave us a house. I was over the moon and so were the kids, especially Robyn. I didn’t have many things to bring with me when I moved into the house. Anything that I owned before had been put into the cottage in Kilshane, and I had left there with nothing. I had a few friends that were very good to me. A neighbour of Mary’s gave me a pine table with six chairs. It was in pristine condition and had beautiful blue tiles on the top. A friend of Mam’s gave me an old sofa, which was great. I threw a bright bedspread over it that hid any wear and tear. It looked good. I was so grateful for these things. My friend Karen helped me to hang the curtains and do some of the painting. I bought a double bed for my room, which was delivered in a flat pack. Karen and I laughed when we took the parts out of the box. We didn’t know which part was for what. Karen asked me if I was sure that it was in fact a bed. We sat on the floor and giggled as we tried to work out which part went where. We eventually solved the puzzle and assembled it. We joked about its possible collapse during the night and hoped that we had all the screws in place. Karen has been my friend since early childhood and we have been through a lot of ups and downs together. She is a rock.

  The house was starting to take shape and everything looked clean and fresh. The kids had a bedroom each. My niece Hazel bought them both new curtains and bed linen that made the rooms look bright and cheerful. We were very happy. We had a home to call our own — just the three of us. Conor had settled in and was sleeping at night. Robyn was relieved that we were no longer under Brian’s rule. We often spoke about the horrible things that he had done, and I tried to reassure her that it was all over.

  I arranged appointments to see my children’s school principals. I was worried that they, especially Conor, would be taken from school by Brian. Conor’s principal took very seriously what I had to say. He made sure that everything was recorded in t
he school file and made Conor’s teacher aware of the situation. He made me feel at ease. I am very grateful to him for his support and understanding during that time.

  I then went to see Robyn’s principal. We sat in the office for a long time chatting and I found her a great listener and a great support. She told me about the support that was available to me and said that she was also concerned for Robyn’s well being. She offered counselling, which we accepted. She knew that I was struggling financially, and, every year before the start of the school term, she made sure that Robyn had everything that she needed. I am very grateful to her for her support and encouragement. She knew that Robyn was a bright child, and she feared that the past would hinder her studies. Robyn went to counselling a few times, until she felt that she no longer needed to. She completed her Leaving Certificate successfully, getting honours, and went on to college the following year to study social studies. It is great to find that there is support out there if you are strong enough to open up to people.

  I had lived on my own before and it didn’t bother me, but this time I was finding it hard to sleep at night. Since living with Brian I found that I had become hyper-vigilant of my surroundings. I had to investigate every noise that I heard at night. I would lock and double lock all the doors in the house and make sure that the windows were securely shut. I knew that Brian was getting into bigger things and I worried that he would actually have someone else harm me. I realised that not only had he battered my body and tortured my mind, he had also stripped away my trust in people.

  One morning I received a social welfare letter. When I opened it I was horrified. Brian had warned me that he was going to apply for full custody of Conor, and now he had done it. The letter gave me the date and time of an appointment that had been made for a social welfare officer to visit my home and interview Conor. I was so stressed and worried. The appointment was for the following week, so I made sure that I had the day off work so that I could be there when the social welfare officer called to our house. I watched the lady as she made her way up the drive. I blessed myself before opening the door to greet her. She was very pleasant and did not make me feel uneasy. She explained that she was there purely to interview Conor and see how he was doing. I chatted to her for a few minutes, and, before leaving, the room I sat with Conor and told him to talk to the nice lady and not to be afraid as she was only there to see how he was. It was my choice to leave them alone, I could have participated in the interview but I thought that the social worker would see my presence as an attempt to influence Conor into giving the answers that she wanted to hear. I wanted her to hear how Conor was feeling, but most importantly I wanted her to understand that I had nothing to hide.