“Yeah, who exactly is Nomorda?” John jokingly asked and I looked at him confusingly because I had no clue what he was talking about.
“And, why was there a pile of wet clothes in your room?” Brady asked.
Visions of the lake popped into my head and I fought the urge to bawl my eyes out, “Long story,” I answered with my ashamed head arched downward.
“Look who’s awake,” a lady said as she walked into the room wearing nursing scrubs, “Hi, I’m Macy. I’ve been taking care of you. How are you feeling?”
“A little nauseous and trapped,” I answered and lifted up my arms by my wrist as far as I could which was all of a half an inch.
Macy was around my age it seemed. She was the lady that I saw before that was holding me down as I was freaking out. Her blonde hair was tied into a messy ponytail on top of her head and she had a southern twang to her voice that set her apart from the Northerners surrounding her.
“Well, you were giving us a hard time last night. The doctor will be in any minute, I just saw him at the nurse’s desk, so when he comes in to talk, ask about getting them removed. When he comes in, guys, you have to hit the road.”
“That’s fine. We are going to go take showers and stuff. We didn’t want her waking up alone,” Brian said.
“I’m hungry, too. Macy, are you hungry? If your lunch break is coming, we could wait,” John, the always looking to get laid guy, said.
“I’m married,” she replied with her back towards him and her left ring finger lifted in the air as she walked out the door.
“Along with all-state football player, you are also an all-state slut,” I said. He gave me a nasty look and walked over to me to kiss my forehead goodbye as he ruffled my hair. He was followed by Brian, Alex and Mike, as they all did the same.
Pops leaned down towards me and took my chin in his hands forcing me to look at him, “Remember, you promised,” he said, “Give me a half hour or so and I’ll be back.”
Pops began to walk out the door until he noticed the boys weren’t following. He turned back, “Are you boys coming?”
“Yeah, just one sec,” Elijah turned to him and said.
They all stood in front of me and they all looked like they wanted to say something. Drew began, “We were talking and we just wanted to let you know something,” he hesitated and Brady took over.
“We just want you to know that even though we act like jerks and are a bunch of douche bags, that if you ever needed anything, you could always come to us.”
“It kills us to think that you felt so alone and kept so much stuff in that you felt this was the only option,” Colin added.
“We can be serious when we want to,” Evan said.
“Thanks, guys,” I quickly said. I didn’t want the tears that began to fester in my eyes fall and my voice to crack. We always kid around and stuff, so I will admit, it was a little awkward in that room.
Evan walked over and kissed me goodbye and said that he loves me and the other boys followed his lead and left.
I knew they meant what they said because there is no way they would have put themselves through something emotionally driven without it being physically painful for them. They are all about girls and sports. My head hit my pillow and I tried to doze off. But, thoughts of the past evening and what I said to my uncles and Pops at dinner echoed throughout head with an interruption from the voice.
“You made it. Great,” it said with a sarcastic tone.
10
Surprise Visits
I was startled out of my slumber by a guy holding a cup of coffee while shaking my shoulder gently. My eyes shot open and I glared with intensity at the man trying to put the pieces together to figure out who he was. He was a tall man and a bit lanky. He was good looking and appeared to be in about his mid-30’s. His tan complexion went well with his beige dress shirt and his hair looked like black fluff on top of his head. I noticed that there was name tag hanging from his beige shirt pocket and I tried reading it, but I couldn’t put the letters together. I was still groggy from just waking up, but I don’t believe I would have been able to pronounce it anyway.
He spotted my look of bewilderment and immediately said, “Hi. I’m Dr. Gangopadhyay, but you can call me Dr. Gable; it’s my first name. People can’t seem to pronounce my last one, so I like to make it easier on everyone. I’m the hospital’s psychiatrist. You gave everyone a big scare last night. How are you feeling today?”
“I’m okay,” I said as I tried to scoot up the bed. I was still limited in my motions, so I didn’t get very far. I peered down at the straps in vane and the doctor took notice.
“If you swear that you won’t act like you did, I’ll take them off. You seem to be a different person today,” he said as he stared his eyes above his black rimmed glasses and looked at me.
“I swear.”
“Okay. When we are done here, I’ll tell Macy to set you free. But first, let’s begin with you telling me the truth and let me know how you are really feeling today and then walking me through wants been going on.”
“Honestly, I feel like shit. I’m exhausted. I’m scared and I need help,” I said with a pathetic look painted on my face. It was the God’s honest truth. And, without a pause to think in between, the promise that I made with Pops came into my head and I divulged my story. Everything was said; the pills, the suicide attempts, my feelings and pain. Along with that I told him about the voice. It was the first time that I have told anyone about its existence. Well, besides me supposedly yelling about it last night. The doctor looked at me, not in a strange way, but with an understanding demeanor. He nodded as I spoke and listening intently to my words as they flowed out and the tears streamed down. I wiped away the tears that puddled on the upside of my lips as I finished speaking and waited for his reaction.
“Well, my dear,” Dr. Gable began, “we have some work to do. I’m going to get you started on some medications and we are going to have to talk about being admitted into a safer environment for you to explore some options. That voice that you hear isn’t a good thing and we have to find a way, be it through prescriptions or psychotherapy, to get rid of it.”
“What if I did everything right, the pills, therapy and such, would I be able to avoid going into a place?” I asked, deeply hoping that his answer would be the one I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to go into a mental ward. I didn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of people that were crazier than I was. The chaos would get to me and I wanted to erase that as an option as fast as I could.
“It isn’t unheard of, but let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, I’m going to go order your meds and you need to get rest, you have a long fight ahead of you.”
As he walked out the room, I sighed a deep sigh, exhausted from my activities the last few days and emotionally drained. Minutes went by before Macy returned holding a tray full of small white cups and a tiny silver key. She unlocked the straps, releasing my arms that instantly raised to that morning stretch I was trying to accomplish earlier. It felt good. My body was crumpled in the same position for what seemed like forever and now, as my muscles extended, it felt glorious. Macy sat down in what once was Pops sitting chair and explained the medications that were on top of the tray she was holding. As she pointed to each cup, she would say the name, the reason in taking it, some side effects and then handed them to me along with a glass of water to help aid me in swallowing them. Then she informed me that she was done her shift and a new nurse would be coming in. She said her name was Gloria and that she wasn’t exactly the kindest person. Her rough looks and loud booming voice made it hard for her to come across as anything else. And a second later in walked the soon to be nurse in charge. Within the room, the sound that emitted from her mouth was fierce, as it repelled off the walls and came in contact with my eardrums, was fierce.
“I’m Gloria. She is leaving. If you need anything here is the call button,” and she threw the white cord with a red button on the end over the
back of my bed and it hung just next to my ear. As she walked past me her personal scent hit my nose and it wasn’t pleasant. As fast as she walked in, the faster she walked out taking the odor with her. Macy looked at me with her eyebrows raised in shock, but followed it up with a shrug of her shoulders and continued on with her medication distribution.
“Gloria is like that with everyone. Don’t take it personal. Oh, and just between you and me, she doesn’t understand mental health, so you probably won’t be seeing her much,” Macy informed me when she was all finished.
“Gotcha. I don’t really want her around after what I smelled.”
“Yeah, we ALL feel that way,” she laughingly replied, “If you don’t get moved, I’m back tonight. I’ll see if I can get you as my patient again. Take care,” and she left closing the door slightly.
Not really knowing what to do with myself, I flipped on the TV and got sucked into a rerun of ‘Rosanne’. As Becky and Darlene fought on the screen I saw two head peek in through the door just beyond the television set and Skylar and Scott walked in. They had been waiting out in the waiting area until the nurses left.
“Who was that first nurse to leave? Ugh!” Scott muttered.
“Tell me about it. She is a fucking beast!” I said back.
“How are you feeling?” Skylar asked as she headed over to the windowsill and placed a vase full of my favorite blush-colored peonies down, then came over to me and gave me a hug, “Why didn’t you call me?” Skylar questioned. Then, I told her that I thought about it, but I didn’t have my phone on me at that point, then I was so clouded in my own mess to think about doing it when I got home.
“So, are you going to tell us what happened or what?” Scott asked after a few minutes of beating around the bush. So, very much like I did with Dr. Gable, I spilled my guts and secrets to them. Skylar knew most, but not about the voice. My fears of no one understanding where not upheld when I was finished. They sympathized and said that they would always be there for me for any help that I needed.
After the seriousness had ended, Scott looked perplexed and looked like he needed to ask me a question. “What?” I asked
“Well, I’m not trying to be funny, but last night you kept calling me ‘Scoot’, was that the voice making fun of me or something?”
“What?!”
“Last night, you asked where Sky and Scoot were. Who the hell is Scoot?”
“I have no recollection of that happening, unfortunately. I would love to remember that,” I laughingly said.
They sat with me for awhile, just chit chatting about things. Scott had to get going; he had a meeting to go to for his charity. “See you later, Scoot,” I yelled as they walked out of the room. Skylar said she was going to walk Scott down to his car and be back in a few. I sat alone thinking my own thoughts, wondering how I ended up here when the door once again opened. I didn’t think too much about it, I figured it was Skylar, so I didn’t even look away from Dan Conner being arrested for beating Fisher on TV.
“Hey,” I heard, but it wasn’t Skylar’s voice and my eyes ventured over to the silhouette that I saw out of the corner of my eye. It was Lauren standing there in the shadows the closed blinds on the windows formed. I didn’t say anything to her I just looked at her in disbelief. She hesitated in speaking and she stood there rubbing her hands together. She does that when she is nervous.
“I heard that there were ambulances at your house and I couldn’t get a hold of anyone until I ran into Evan at Marty’s. He said that you were in the hospital, but wouldn’t tell me anything else.” she began,
I didn’t say anything in response. I didn’t know what to say. Here before me, stood someone that I considered a friend, someone that I would have stepped in front of a bullet for. That same person went behind my back and screwed a guy that I cared for. She completely overlooked my feelings and our bond to do what she wanted to. She didn’t respect our friendship.
“I can’t even tell you how sorry I am. I doubt you will believe me,” she said and she was right. She had a tendency to lie to everyone about everything, but I thought I was an exception. I stood by her side in disbelief as lies flowed from her mouth. I would confront her about it when we were alone and she was proud of the fact that they believed her. This time, I didn’t believe her and that was solidified when I asked her one question.
“Are you still seeing him?”
“Well, yeah. But,” she began to answer, but I cut her off.
“Then our relationship was a joke to you. This has nothing to do with Adam. I liked him, a lot, but I know now he was a piece of shit and I’ll get over him. But, you are a whole different story. You betrayed me and you didn’t even have enough guts to tell me. If Skylar and Scott didn’t catch you, I would still be in the dark. You can over look our friendship, but I can’t and I’m done. I can’t have you in my life anymore, Lauren. I need people with me that love me and care for me. I don’t think that you are capable doing that. You are toxic, purely self-involved and I’m finished,” I said as if I had rehearsed it. It came out with such conviction and honesty that I actually surprised myself.
“So, you never want to talk to me again?”
“If I was you I would forget I exist. There is no way I will be able to trust you again,” I said, but it was a bit of a lie. I wouldn’t slam the door in her face if she needed to talk. Her friends consisted of Skylar and I mixed in with a bunch of guys. Now, that I’m gone and I don’t believe Skylar is too happy about it, either, who else does she have to go to. The bones within my body are not mean enough to turn my back on her completely, but at this point she doesn’t need to know that.
Her face was angry and I didn’t care. I told her my true feelings, feelings that she helped me feel. Her arms rose in the air as she said, “I don’t know what to do?!” She said just as Skylar returned through the door.
The voice voiced its opinion, “Perhaps, keep your vagina in your pants.” The voice tortures me, haunts me every day, makes me cry, scream and fight against it, but at that moment it made me laugh for the first time.
“What are you doing here?” Skylar immediately said upon entering the room and she didn’t look happy saying it. She didn’t stop there, though, “You didn’t care about her as you where all over Adam, why would you care about her now?”
Lauren stormed out of the room. Trying to add some oomph to her exit, she tried slamming the door. It didn’t work though because it had a device on there that wouldn’t allow her to do so. Made me chuckle a bit.
“What was that about?” Skylar asked.
“She’s sorry…blah, blah, blah. I told her I was done with her.”
“Good, for you,” Skylar said with a smile.
The rest of the day, she and I hung out while Gloria the Beast walking in and out of my room only when it was med time. That evening, Macy came back as my nurse and the guys visited again. So, we all sat around the small hospital room watching a baseball game on the small cubed TV.
I ended up being in the hospital for almost a week. Along with visitation from my family and friends, I also had consultations with a bunch of doctors who asked the same questions over and over again. Each time I sat with one of them I had to relive the moments of my life that I would like to forget. One evening, Dr Gable walked in and planted himself in a chair by the window next to me. We talked about everything; from the weather to a ballgame, to his family, to the voice. He was easy to talk to and I felt no judgment from him.
He asked if I was hearing the voice at all and I let him know that his presence was still lurking around. I heard it mostly when I would try to fall asleep urging me to pick up some sharp object that was lying around so I could stab myself or slit my wrists. I would also hear it when other people were around telling me to lie about my feelings and emotions to get out of the hospital sooner. I’m sure it didn’t enjoy the fact that in here it didn’t have much control over me like the way it did when I was home.
Dr. Gable felt I would soon be dischar
ged from the hospital and that I should deeply consider admitting myself into a controlled environment as my medications start to kick in.
“Can I call Pops, as you call him, and see what his opinion is?” he asked as I nodded in agreement. After a few more verbal exchanges, he walked out of the room to do just that.
I laid there trying to think of Pops choice. He will probably say that I need to go into an asylum somewhere and once I push aside how scared I am, I have to agree with him. The voice needs to go and if that’s going to help me in that endeavor that I will do it.
A half hour later Dr. Gable walked back in and sat down in the same chair that he was in before. “Well, your Pops has an incredible amount of love for you,” he began and I smiled because that was the one thing I already knew, “Along with Pops’ thoughts, he also voiced your uncles’ opinions, and combined with my assessment, I think that we should begin looking for an impatient facility for you to stay.”
I knew it was coming, but it didn’t stop my heartbeat from amping up and feel like it wanted to jump out of my chest. But, I knew to be surrounded by medical professionals was the necessary option to take. Dr. Gable saw my frightened face and reassured me that things will be alright and that they would try their hardest to find me a spot in one of the facilities that he makes rounds at which brought comfort to me.
11
Ashford
One day, I got up out of bed and realized my body was still not accustomed to the pills that I was medically obligated to shove down my throat. It took me three tries to stand up; the room spun and I promptly landed right where I was before. My steps were as wobbly as a drunk taking a sobriety test, as I made my way to the window and opened its blinds. I knew it was raining by the sounds mimicking itself off the walls of the room. I wanted to test myself to see if I could handle seeing the rain. After opening, I immediately shut them. Maybe the fact that I was emotionally naked for all to see right now made me more vulnerable to it. I tightly closed them back up and wobbled back to my bed where I sat on the edge of the bed.
When It Rains: The Umbrella Collection Page 10