Farewell, My Loves

by Jen Tirone

He had broad shoulders that I knew had to be strong. Long, long legs making him tower over me, and probably everyone else for that matter.

  “Here, this is for you,” he hands me a little white box, startling me out of my ogling.

  I still haven’t said anything to him!

  Clearing my throat to give a bashful thank you, he extends his wrist out to me and pulled back his sleeve to show me the watch on his wrist.

  “They’re his and hers Cartier,” he tells me.

  “Oh,” is all I manage.

  I never heard of it, but it looked very expensive. I open it and indeed, it’s the same watch with a black leather strap but with a slightly smaller face. There’s no way I can deny the gift even though it looks like it cost too, too much.

  “Thank you, I love it,” I tell him looking up at him and melt a little at the slightly nervous look on his face.

  It seems I’m not the only one nervous in this reunion.

  I bring myself to give him a hug, when he squeezes me tight to him with his massive form for a moment, and then picks me up from my waist high above him with an enchanting smile, causing me to giggle in surprise, breaking some of the awkwardness I was feeling.

  When he sets me back down, he cups my cheek with one of his huge paws and looks into my eyes, slightly shaking his head in disbelief.

  He is still just as affectionate as I remembered.

  Feeling overwhelmed with the longing in his face, I take the watch out of the box and hold out my wrist for him to fasten the clasp for me.

  Gently, he takes my wrist and his soft touch causes shivers.

  I didn’t expect to feel things; things other than joy, I don’t know how to identify when he was this close to me.

  Still smiling at me, he takes my hand in his like old times and guides the way toward our tree.

  His hand felt familiar in gesture but new in touch.

  It dwarfed mine and was calloused, reminding me he worked very hard to be back here.

  Searching for anything to say, mostly something that didn’t make me sound like an ankle biter, I decide to tell him about the secretary courses I thought about taking.

  He looks at me giving me his full attention.

  When he doesn’t say anything, I continue, but also clarify the plan I’ve had going for the last few months.

  “I mean, until I have kids, it would be good to have a broad range of skills, for starters. Women have had no choice but to join the workforce for years with the war and all, that it’s become a commonplace to still be a part of it if not thrive from it,” I tell him getting excited to have a conversation, and an adult one at that.

  “Women are breaking all kinds of barriers now. Imagine, one day we’ll probably make up the majority of the workforce and men will have to compete for the same positions! I read that universities are slowly but surely enrolling much more girls now,” I tell him with zeal.

  “Sounds to me you’re already quite smart without having been to university” he comments, and I can’t help but preen under the compliment.

  “Did you go to college, Giorgio? You never mentioned it in any of your letters.”

  “Sure. Not any traditional classes, but I’ve learned nonetheless,” he vaguely answers.

  “Oh, okay,” I answered, not really knowing what to say to that.

  “Look at that. Just as amazing as I remembered,” he says as our tree comes into view.

  We walk to it and he searches out his carving with a wistful smile that reminds me of the young boy I grew up with.

  “Did you spend a lot of time here?” he asks.

  If he only knew.

  “Sure,” I answer in what I hope was a nonchalant response.

  I wouldn’t let him know how pathetic I’d been, pining over him for years at this tree.

  “I almost feel like a kid again being in Salerno. So many great memories here, so much freedom…” he says as if he’s thinking aloud.

  “I’m surprised the carving is still here,” he comments while skimming a hand over it.

  “Yeah, well, not without threats to their lives if anyone touched it,” I tell him, thinking over the time Serafina threatened to scrape it out after accusing me of having carved it myself.

  He laughs, “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you remember Stupid Serafina, right? She told everyone in school I did it myself.”

  He laughs harder at that. “No kidding? She still competing with you all these years?”

  “Oh no. She stopped when I pulled her from her hair, knocking her to the floor in front of everyone after she threatened to cut it out. She never tried to tease me over it again,” I tell him proudly.

  He looked like maybe he was a little proud too, but what do I know?

  The fondness in his eyes though, was making my belly flutter again.

  I clear my throat, looking for something to fill the silence but come up short.

  With his eyes blatantly roaming all over me, I blush hard.

  Oh, Gesu Cristo, I can’t get a hold of it. I feel my cheeks warm and I know I’m just crimson in the face now.

  He smiles smugly seeing my reaction and my embarrassment gets to me tenfold, I turn away from him to take a few deep breaths but when I can’t get a hold of myself, I cover my face because I just don’t know what to do, or say, I suddenly feel on the verge of tears.

  The myriad of emotions I’ve felt in a matter of minutes is exhausting!

  “Hey, bella, don’t hide from me,” he coos in a soft voice.

  He places his hands on both my shoulders, softly rubbing them, igniting sparks I never knew could come from just his touch.

  My face was still covered by my hands when he whispered in my ear, “Gia, it’s just me,” which instead of easing my discomfort, the assurance caused shivers all over my body with his close proximity and the tickle of his breath.

  “Gio, you make me nervous. You’re much older now,” I bravely tell him the truth.

  “So are you, Gia. And so beautiful,” he tells me as he runs a hand down my braid.

  I didn’t know what he expected right then or what I wanted anymore.

  “Don’t be afraid of me. I’m still your Giorgio. If I could’ve come back sooner I would have. God, I really would have,” he said with what sounded like honest regret.

  “But I feel like a child next to you.”

  He turns me to face him, but I keep my hands covering my face.

  I can’t do it.

  I can’t look at him, in his older eyes, or know what to do with the longing I saw on his face earlier.

  “What did you think I came back to Salerno for?” he asks gently, as he begins to pet my hair.

  “I know, I know. But I also don’t know anymore,” I stress to him my sudden confusion.

  “Look,” he says while gently pulling my hands from my face. But I keep my eyes closed because I’m still burning up in the cheeks. He laughs and I feel lame for it.

  “There’s nothing to be afraid of. There’s no rush. I know a lot of time has passed, I know a lot of things have changed. I just want to spend time with you, but only if you want to.

  “We can get to know one another again, yet we already have a rich history. Think of it as simply filling in the gaps. I want you to feel comfortable with me again, and I’m aware that’ll take time. We made a lot of promises while apart, but they don’t mean anything if you find you don’t feel that way anymore. The only way to know is to give it a try.

  “You’re still very young but I can tell you right now, Gia, I’m just as crazy about you as I always was. Seeing you again after all this time has only affirmed my feelings for you... and your innocence, it’s just beautiful,” he says with conviction in his voice.

  Slowly opening my eyes with all the bravery I can muster, he patiently waits me out with a breathtaking smile.

  He is so handsome.

  And he was still looking at me like I was... everything.

  I never stood a chance.

  He
had so effortlessly put me at ease with his soothing words and comforting gestures, reminding me he knows me still. Even though I felt like I didn’t know him at all anymore.

  Taking a deep breath, I smiled back for him.

  “I’d love nothing more than to spend time with you, Giorgio,” I tell him, because it was true.

  I wanted to get to know the man he has become.

  I had to.

  He was that magnificent.

  If the patient smile he gave me just a moment ago was breathtaking, the one he gave from my assent, was nothing short of stunning.

  Once we cleared that we were to take things slow, Gio walked me home with the promise he would return later in the evening to go out for gelato.

  He left me at my doorstep to get ready with a small peck on the cheek.

  It was a relief and thrilling, all at once.

  But when Mama met me on the other side of the door expectantly, and before I could even utter a word, pulled me inside and sat me down at the kitchen table, I was concerned something was awry.

  What she said instead wouldn’t have crossed my mind in a million years.

  “Gianna, bambina mia, you’ll always be our bambina you know that, right?” She asks, but doesn’t give me a chance to answer because she continues right on.

  “Giorgio is here now and before anything goes any further, I think it’s best I begin preparing you.”

  “Preparing me? For what?” I asked worriedly.

  “Preparing you for the life ahead of you. Marriage. Womanly duties. Motherhood—”

  “Mama, wait a second—”

  “No, bambina, it can’t wait. I think I made a grave mistake not telling you about these things over time and now you are terribly unprepared for him... I should’ve spoken up sooner,” she said wearily.

  “Mama—” I tried, but again she cut me off.

  “Chiara and I have been exchanging letters and photos over the years, excited about you two being together again. You know the Morettis and Vitales are so close. Generations, bambina. For generations we’ve been like family. And now, well, now my bambina will be going soon,” she broke off with a hitch in her voice.

  “Mama, I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You are, Gianna. You’ll be moving away to America with Giorgio soon—”

  “Whoa, Mama, no I’m not! Where are you getting this crazy idea from?”

  “Gianna, what do you think Giorgio is here to do? Just to visit you? He’s here to marry you and take you with him to New York.”

  I felt like the floor was snatched from underneath me.

  “No he’s not!” I stupidly protested.

  “Yes, bambina, and I see now my mistake in not preparing you over the years. I knew of this, but your father thought it’d be best to let you be. There’s so much you need to know.”

  “No, Mama, please relax. We had a chat and Giorgio said we’ll be taking things slow, we’re getting to know each other again. There’s no commitment to anything if—”

  “Bambina, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’ve been committed to Giorgio for over six years now. How long have you been saying ‘he’s going to marry me one day, mama.’ That day is right here,” she threw in my face.

  “No, no. Listen, you’re jumping the gun. We plan to see where things will lead. I have the secretary courses coming up that I wanted to sign up for, I want to date a little bit. I’ve never even really been kissed! You’re stressing yourself out for nothing.”

  And me.

  She was stressing me out even more than I overwhelmed myself earlier. Now I know where I get it from.

  But Mama wasn’t to be deterred.

  “Gianna, we have the church booked for the wedding!”

  “No! And if it is, then cancel it! I’m not moving anywhere. I’m done talking about this, Mama. Gio and I are going to see where things go. I can’t marry him and just move away like that! I won’t. Are you trying to get rid of me or something?”

  “No, of course not, bambina. But sooner than later, you’ll be going. You can’t be in that much denial... did you take a look at the man he has become? Do you really think after all this time, he’s going to take ‘no’ for an answer? Did you think you could lead a man on?”

  “I didn’t lead him on—”

  “You did if you’re reneging your promises to him now, promises, bambina, that you vowed to him for years.”

  “Mama!” I whined, because she was right.

  What the hell was I thinking?

  “He said there’s no rush,” I whispered with tears in my eyes.

  “I know it’s scary. You’ve had nothing to worry about but school. It’s a lot to think about. I know it feels rushed, because, well, time flew, no?” She tried to lighten the mood with a small smile.

  “I don’t want to move away. I thought he came back to stay here. Not take me from my home!”

  Mama walked to where I was sitting and cupped my face with both her hands. She kissed the top of my head.

  “I know, bambina. But America is where he lives. It’s where he’s made a life for you two. It will be a hard adjustment initially, but you’ll get used to it. And with marriage, and then children, you’ll soon see that is where your home will be, with him.”

  “What about you and Babbo? How am I going to leave you?” I tried not to sound like such a baby but it was more and more distressing to be leaving my mama, my home. Imagining babies without her getting to be their nonna. I was working myself up and she could tell. Her reassuring smiles were doing nothing for me though.

  “Bambina, becoming a woman is scary. The reality of anything in this life is always much harder than the romantic notion you’ve dreamed up in your mind. But I promise, you’ll be fine. That handsome man came back for you! Giorgio has always loved you. And what a dashing reality you get to have with a face like his, ah? Cheer up, honey, let me finish up with the first rise of the rosemary bread and we’ll see if Gabi can come over for a bit. We’ll have a girl chat. You’ll see it’s not as bad as you’re imagining.”

  “Va bene, Mama.”

  But it was as bad as I imagined, if not worse.

  Actually, it was rather depressing.

  I sat on my bed with Gabi behind me, where she was parting my hair in sections to attach several different rollers. She said she’d doll me up just right for my first date with Giorgio tonight.

  Her ministrations were soothing my nerves until her and Mama started to “coach” me.

  “I don’t know what it’s like in America, Gia, but one thing that’s most likely a universal law— you don’t talk back to your husband. And don’t ever think you can get away with it in front of others! That would be suicide.”

  “When a man marries you, he has rights over you in many ways, including your body. You are no longer just you anymore. You are his property. And that’s an honor!”

  “You’ve got to be classy in front of others, but make sure you’re a wildcat for him in private. You don’t want to ever initiate anything, but when he does, you be sure to accommodate. Even if you really do have a headache.”

  “A clean house is imperative. Make sure for your birthdays and Natales you ask for new brooms and dusters.”

  “Just remember, it doesn’t always hurt.”

  “You should start writing down all my recipes. You can’t leave a man to eat on his own. Then he’ll start looking for food elsewhere, and next thing you know—he’ll be fed somewhere else, too. And that’ll be no one’s fault but your own!”

  “Make sure to keep your figure in check. Even if he has a potbelly, you can’t be a heifer. Smoke your cigarettes with your morning espresso. It helps suppress the appetite and you’ll be sure to eat less throughout the day. And don’t put any sugar in it... and you probably shouldn’t eat any cannoli anymore.”

  “As soon as he gets home from work, have his slippers and favorite cocktail waiting for him. Then work on dinner while he de-stresses, so it’s fresh off the stove.”

&n
bsp; I never had a chance to get a word in and I couldn’t have if I tried anyway.

  I had a lump caught in my throat, just itching to release my tears of frustration.

  I thought they would make me feel better, but in fact they made me regret everything.

  They made me feel like there was nothing to look forward to anymore.

  I didn’t want gelato anymore.

  I honestly didn’t want to see Giorgio anymore either.

  But alas, preparations were being made all around me because I made this bed—I have to lie in it.

  My hair came out really pretty, the first time I’ve ever seen it straight in soft waves styled all to one shoulder. My sister wanted to use makeup on me, but I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm for it and shooed her away.

  She and Mama chose one of Gabi’s red A-line dresses that reached below the knees to mid calf, and a neckline that Gabi called a sweetheart, but simply looked like it was missing the rest of the chest area. It cinched at the waist with a thin coordinating belt and I found it surprising Mama was excited for me in the dress because as demure as it was, it was also quite vamp.

  They paired it with stilts.

  I’d never worn heels before then, and no matter what they said, I knew I would break my neck or at the very least, make a fool of myself.

  Gabi found it adorable, and even clapped to herself at the idea that if I stumbled, Giorgio would catch me, and how romantic was that?

  Deflated from the earlier female pow-wow, I did my best to compose myself and begin portraying the expected courtesy that is femininely required for my future majesty. At least, that’s what I summed up their womanly wisdom to mean.

  When I heard the knock at the door, my stomach hollowed and was replaced with dread.

  I felt stuck.

  And so stupid for not seeing what things were really like in the grown-up world.

  But when Giorgio stepped inside after my babbo let him in, I sucked in a quick breath.

  Wearing a gray wool suit, with a dark moss green tie and caramel brown oxfords, he was the epitome of debonair, stealing all thoughts of reluctant servitude that I was being indoctrinated with earlier.

  I felt bewitched around him.

  It suddenly didn’t seem so bad to do whatever he asked.