Farewell, My Loves

by Jen Tirone

  I smiled so big at him.

  He was such a good man. A pure soul. I was glad Mia’s soul was saved being filtered out with his. Shit, I prayed she only had all of his qualities in her.

  “Of course, Michael. I’m glad you came. Thank you. Thank you so much, for... everything,” I told him, overcome with emotion, even though he has no idea why.

  “Ah, love. It was nothing. I’m just glad you’re okay. Is the babe alright? I know it’s kind of early...”

  “She’s perfect. She’s going to make it; I know it in my heart. Would you like to see her?” I offered excited.

  “Are you sure?” he asks, a little surprised.

  “Absolutely,” I told him while throwing over the covers and getting out of bed.

  He made his way over to help me, always so chivalrous.

  We walk to the preemie care unit in silence, with lots to be said, but none of it going to be. I checked in with the nurse to make sure she was okay for my visit. Michael stood a little behind me, waiting for my cue.

  This was Mia’s moment. I couldn’t be more proud of my little girl.

  She was in an incubator with wires from monitors attached all over her.

  Tubes everywhere.

  She was tiny and fragile, but she was the most beautiful sight to be seen.

  I felt him take a deep breath.

  It was instinctive to reach out and grab his hand when I presented her.

  I was floating on sentimentality because I even gave him a kiss on the cheek and squeezed his hand.

  “Michael, meet Mia Vitale,” I whispered with happy tears and a smile on my face.

  He steps up to the incubator and puts a hand to the plastic frame.

  Watching her for a quiet moment, he shakes his head to himself and then he turns to look at me with so much emotion in his solemn green blue eyes.

  “She’s perfect, Gia. Just perfect.”

  New beginnings

  When Mia made it through the first week of her life, God willing, she was going to make it in the long haul.

  Since she was under constant nursing care and I had already been discharged two days after I gave birth to her, I took a cab back to the penthouse so I could pack some clothes and grab a few jewelry pieces to go ahead and pawn.

  I expected disarray from the police bust the day I almost went into premature labor, but the vandalism I walked into wasn’t a mess from a bunch of warrant searching cops.

  It was a message.

  Clothes were shredded. Everything that was glass was busted. Furniture tossed over.

  Spray paint on the walls with messages in code from another crime family made it crystal clear they were at war.

  I immediately left after seeing the safes had been shot open and emptied out.

  There was nothing for me here.

  Now that I didn’t have a single thing to offer in payment, I evaded the taxi I had asked to idle for me in the front of the building.

  On foot I tried to get some new clothes at a boutique we had an open tab at before, but our assets had been frozen when the police went searching for Gio.

  No money, no clothes, and nothing but the dress I wore the day I went to church and ended up in the hospital, I walked back to my daughter.

  At least I could sleep on the chair in her room and I was still being followed by an officer, per Michael. I don’t know how much he knew of the mafia war, but it was a relief to know I didn’t need to think about my safety on top of everything else.

  I didn’t want to fret, but I was out of luck.

  I almost wished I hadn’t left the hospital yet. My perfect bubble was intact until I did.

  But I was glad because my days of denial were over.

  Maybe I could ask for a job sweeping floors in the hospital. Scrubbing toilets. Anything.

  My baby girl had to stay until she was strong enough to breathe on her own, so in essence we had a roof over our heads. They let me use the shower there, and if I could get any job with them, I could be close to Mia.

  I already felt better thinking that I could do something about my predicament, rather than sit back and cry like the spoiled brat I’d been in the past.

  I was in lost in my head with the plans I was making when I got off the elevator and saw that Michael was outside of the preemie unit.

  It was a nice surprise. But I didn’t see why he would be around since he visited me the day after I gave birth.

  “Can we go for a cup of coffee?” he asked me quietly and seriously, immediately making me nervous.

  “Is it on official business?” I worried.

  “No, not at all. Just to chat. Thought you could use the company,” he assured me.

  “Oh, yeah. Sure. Let me check on Mia real quick and I’ll be right out.”

  I went in and watched my angel for a few minutes, assuring her that I would figure things out. I had to.

  Then I joined Michael for a cup of coffee across the street from the hospital.

  “Do you have a coat, love?”

  “Me? Oh, I forgot it. Don’t worry. Anyway, talk to me. You seemed quite serious earlier. Is everything alright?”

  I took a sip of the warm coffee and my stomach rumbled loudly.

  “When’s the last time you’ve eaten something? You look like you’re about to collapse.”

  “Earlier,” I wave him off. It didn’t matter. I had enough on my mind.

  “Miss! Can I have a menu, please?” He flags down the nearest waitress.

  “Really, Michael, I’m fine. What was with the austerity earlier? Speak,” I press him.

  “I’m concerned about you. I always have been. I’m going to go ahead and just put it out there, alright. I’ve checked on you, Gia. Not by the police, but by a private investigator, a friend of mine. I’ve kept tabs on you every now and again since I saw you at the gala. Call it curiosity, initially. Then it became a way to indulge my... yearning. But that doesn’t matter right now,” he waves his hand off. “Lately, it has been to make sure you were safe with all the trouble you were surrounded by. It’s not my proudest moment, I admit, but I won’t take it back.

  “You had me followed?” I ask him slowly.

  “When you put it like that, it sounds terrible, love. I had to do what was necessary to check in on you, from afar.”

  “Michael. I don’t even know what to say. Do you want me to be flattered? Because I can’t say that I am.”

  “No. I wanted you to know, because I wanted to be honest with you,” he tells me pointedly.

  What does he know?

  Is he suspecting Mia’s paternity?

  Oh my God.

  The murders.

  Gesu Cristo, he could have me put away in prison and where does that leave Mia?

  She has no one.

  “Michael, we need to talk,” I tell him what he already knows.

  “We do. But it won’t be here. We’ll be talking about it all once and then never again.”

  Holy shit.

  Was he going to turn me in?

  I hadn’t realized I was white knuckling the table until he put his hands on them to comfort me. ”Gia, I only want to protect you,” he whispers to me, not breaking eye contact. ”I had tried to get to you that day because I had just learned of what my friend observed only a few days before, do you understand, love?

  “I’m glad I found you in your closet when I did, but I’m also sorry it was too late to help you before the police got there. I only knew they were going to freeze your assets because they were releasing the warrant that afternoon; I hadn’t been up to speed on the events by the church that morning yet,” he tells me shaking his head.

  “Can we please get back to the baby?” I plead with him, squeezing his hand urgently.

  “Not until you’ve eaten something,” he counters.

  “No! Please! I need to get back to her now,” I begged.

  “Love, breathe. I promise you, no one is going to take you away from your little girl. I need you to eat before you disapp
ear. You’ve just given birth recently and no one is taking care of you. Let me in this way. Eat. I won’t let anything happen. We’re going to talk, because things need to be aired, Gia, and then they’ll be buried. I won’t leave you to hang dry, love. That’s not me,” he says meaningfully.

  “You don’t understand,” I catch the veiled remark about Giorgio.

  “But you’ll make me soon, when we have that chat. Right now, you need a hot meal and then I’ll take you back to Mia.”

  “Okay, order whatever. I don’t care. But Michael, I don’t know if I can make you understand,” I tell him.

  “Not now, love. You need time. I’ve made preparations to give you that time.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “That you have time.”

  “For what exactly, Michael. Please, don’t be cryptic. I already need to find a job, a place to live. What does time mean?”

  “It means that when your daughter is healthy and strong enough to go home, I have that place in preparation for you. Somewhere safe. He left you amidst a fucking crime war, Gianna. He’s—” he cuts himself off from saying anything more about him.

  “It doesn’t matter. He’s gone, and because I care too fucking much about you, I’ve picked up the pieces,” he finishes, brooding.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  I didn’t deserve any of it, not from him.

  Speechless, I only shook my head.

  Too many things to say.

  Not the place or time to say it.

  He takes a deep breath and then looks back at me.

  “Just eat. Please. Let’s handle one thing at a time, yeah? And for Christ’s sake, wear my fucking coat when we get back outside.”

  “Okay,” I nodded. I was not in shock, but disbelief.

  How did I get so lucky, to be favored by someone as good as him?

  I didn’t want to get my hopes up—but, my God.

  Why did this beautiful man do this for me?

  I haven’t forgiven myself, yet, selflessly, he’s forgiven me.

  I was humbled beyond measure.

  I needed to tell him about his daughter.

  “I need—”

  “Gia, eat. Not here, not now,” he cut me off stubbornly, thinking this was about the chat.

  “No, this is different—” I tried again.

  “Not now, love. I’m serious,” he told me, resolutely.

  I’d have to show him then.

  He walked me back to the hospital and when he was about to turn and leave, I held his arm. ”Can you stay a moment? Or do you need to leave right away?” I asked him nervously.

  “I have some time.”

  “I need you to see something,” I whispered, my heart pounding.

  We scrubbed our hands at the sterilization sink and then put on the disposable scrubs to enter the neonatal care unit.

  I felt like I was walking to my execution with each step we took toward Mia.

  I wouldn’t blame him if he never forgave me, but he deserved to know.

  I asked a nurse to come with us and to please remove the blanket from my daughter for a moment so that she was in nothing but a diaper, wires were all about, but the birthmark on her waist was unmistakable.

  It was nothing unique because it was an exact match to the birthmark on Michael’s waist. They were the same color, same shape. Only difference was hers was so tiny.

  She’d grow into it and it’ll look like a cute little mark on her, just like I remember recalling it to be an endearing mark on him.

  He stared at her, unmoving.

  For a moment I thought he couldn’t tell, until he spoke in a tone I’ve never heard from him, but nonetheless one I expected.

  “How were you going to do this to me?” he grates out leveling me with a look of hatred.

  “I’m so, sorry—” I tried to start explaining, but he cut me off by grabbing my upper arm and rushed me out of the unit.

  When we got out to the hallway, I was about to open my mouth when he points a finger in my face and tells me to shut it.

  I deserve it. I do.

  He starts yanking off his scrubs in aggravation, and then I imagine in an effort to hold himself back from causing me physical harm, but wanting to still do something to me, he starts to tear off my scrubs too.

  I just stood there and let him, unable to look him in the eyes.

  I had said terrible, depraved things to him about his baby. Even though I had to, but he won’t ever understand.

  “You lied to me, Gianna! You fucking hid my daughter from me all this goddamn time!” he screams at me.

  I had nothing to say other than I was sorry, but I know he needed to vent his anger first. It was unforgivable what I’d done. But I’d take his anger any day, because like this, it meant he could have her too.

  He’ll never know how sorry I am.

  How desperate I was.

  A nurse comes by and asks if everything was alright. ”Yes! Now give us some privacy,” he brushes her off.

  But she’s not to be deterred.

  “Ma’am, do you need me to call security?” she asks me, looking at him crossly.

  “I’m the fucking police! Now go!” He blows up on her, unfortunately.

  “Really, I know it doesn’t look like things are okay between us, but they are. You can go, I assure you,” I tell her with tears in my eyes.

  It doesn’t look believable, but she needed to go.

  “I’m going to ask you two to take this outside then,” she demands.

  “Splendid idea,” Michael agrees, grabbing my arm again and dragging me to the parking lot.

  As soon as we were outside and away from people, he let me have it.

  “I’d like to know when were you going to tell me she was mine?” he sneers.

  The anger is vibrating off him in waves, and he’s got absolutely every single right to be.

  “You were going to let that piece of shit, degenerate husband of yours touch my little girl? You were going to let him be the father?” he asks more and more incensed with each question.

  Tears well up in my eyes, and I try hard to hold back a sob because I knew I was never going to explain it right.

  Not to him, not to Gio. Not to myself.

  He takes a couple steps away from me and pulls at his hair.

  He shakes his head at me in disbelief several times, before he speaks again, “I’ve done nothing but love you, Gia, with all my heart. And this is what you do to me in return? You hide the manifestation of my feelings, my love for you, an actual extension of my heart, and you deny us from one another? A father and his daughter? What kind of despicable woman have I been in love with?” His voice catches and my tears fall down rapidly.

  I’m struggling to breathe, the disappointing look he’s giving me is suffocating.

  “I... I couldn’t... I... oh fuck, Michael, please,” I am weeping now, falling to my knees at his feet and I grab his legs, begging him.

  “Please, you have to believe me, I had to do what was right at the time!” I tell him.

  “What was right was you telling me the truth! My God! I fucking knew when I saw you at that restaurant! And you denied me! You denied me my flesh and blood!” he yells into the night, jerking his legs out of my hold to get away from me.

  He looks so distraught.

  And I did this to him. I made this sweet man, who’s always been calm, measured in his words and actions, just lose it.

  He starts to walk back toward the hospital and panic overtakes me.

  I stand and lunge at him, pulling him back because I can’t tell what he’s capable of in his unpredictable state.

  “Where are you going?” I demand him.

  “To fix that fucking birth certificate right this goddamn second. Not another second will I be denied,” he says in my face.

  “Okay, okay, but calm—” I tried to start reasoning with him, but he pushes me off him and I stumble a few steps back.

  “Get the fuck off me right now
, Gia; don’t make me hurt you,” he warns me.

  My eyes widen at his declaration because he says it with such conviction in his voice, I know he’s not making an idle threat.

  My heart twists.

  I’ve never been afraid of him. I’ve never felt safer in my life than with Michael.

  And I want to trust that he’s simply hurting right now because of this betrayal I’ve crossed him with, so he’s only lashing out at me to hurt me too.

  “Michael, you don’t mean that.”

  “Oh, trust me, Gia, I could wring your goddamn neck right now, I am that serious.”

  “I know you’re angry, I know you have every right to be, but you’re not going back in there like this, not near her.”

  “The hell I am leaving without making her my daughter! You’ve lost your goddamn mind, Gia, if you think I am going to be away from her ever again.”

  I can’t even begin to think I know what he feels, but this has escalated beyond what I could have imagined.

  “Just what do you think I am going to go and do to my baby? Huh? Tell me? Are you worried I am going to take her away from you just like you’ve done to me?” he says as he starts stalking toward me but I’m not backing down.

  He’d have to take her over my dead body.

  He gets right in my face again. We’re both breathing hard from the adrenaline rushing through us.

  We’re staring in each other’s wild eyes and a tense moment passes before my resolve breaks, my guilt consuming me, and my shame takes to the forefront of all my feelings.

  I drop my eyes from his and tell him that I am so, so sorry.

  “Nothing, can ever undo this, Michael. You’ll never understand the profound guilt I’ve been consumed with. I need you to believe I had absolute remorse in denying you, but it had to be this way. If Gio had ever found out then, he would’ve had you murdered! I couldn’t survive you being killed because of my betrayal. He would never, ever have accepted it.

  “I couldn’t imagine a world that you didn’t exist in, even if you weren’t going to be part of my life. I didn’t have a choice, Michael, honestly. And that decision came at the sacrifice of my conscience. I could lose my morality, but I couldn’t lose you. And I was not about to make it, so that Mia would lose you—in every way too.”