by Ana Jolene
I’d had a taste once. And like a dying man, I wanted one more chance to experience it again.
TWELVE
Skin on Skin
Indy
In the minutes right after Hastie had left the room, I realized my mistake. When a person had feelings for another, they usually expressed that through their actions. Sex was a part of that. To deny Hastie would be the same as leaving him in the dark. He at least deserved to know where my feelings lay.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want him. It was that I couldn’t.
I wasn’t sure what it was about Hastie that made me want him so bad. Was it the fact that his MC membership allowed him to understand my more reckless ways? Was it because he had a family in Glory MC and I had always dreamed about having something like that? Or was it because of the man himself?
From the very first moment Hastie dragged those emerald green eyes down the length of my body to my kickass Louboutins and smirked that sexy one-sided grin of his, I knew he wasn’t for me.
There was no man in this world for me.
But damn, there was something about him that I couldn’t walk away from. You try denying sex from a man like Hastie and see where your feelings lay. See how badly your body betrayed your mind like mine was in this moment.
“Indy, are you all right?” Hastie asked.
I shook my head. No, I was far from being all right. Hastie was making me doubt myself and all he was doing was just standing there!
“What’s wrong?” In seconds, he was before me, handling me more gently than I thought a badass biker would be capable of.
Tilting my head up, I met his concerned gaze. Feeling as if my breath would burst from my lungs, I blurted out what I wanted to say a thousand times this night. “Kiss me.” The look in Hastie’s eyes darkened and intensified, clouded by a storm of emotions. The moment hung between us. I felt as if I was teetering right on the precipice, waiting for him to either catch me or let me fall. “Kiss me, Hastie,” I said more urgently, tugging on his shirt.
Without a word, his mouth descended on mine, hard and punishing. To my embarrassment, a moan escaped me. Oh God. Everything was better when emotions were involved.
I licked at his lips, coaxing him to open. And then I dove in with my tongue, teasing and tasting. My head felt light and fluffy, clouded with lust. Balance slowly deserted me, leaving me high and dry. I clutched at his shirt, trying to ground myself, but beneath the hard concentration of his kiss, I felt completely dominated. Surrendering had never felt so good.
Hastie’s fingers found a place in my hair, tugging it back so that my neck was exposed when we finally pulled away for breath. Air raced in and out past our lips. “What changed your mind?”
“What does it matter?”
He nipped me on the tender side of my neck with his teeth, little punishments that made me wild. “It fucking matters.” His grip tightened deliciously in my hair. “Tell me.”
“Just trying a new way to live.”
Hastie pulled back to study me with emerald eyes. I had put as much nonchalance in my words as I could muster. Primal heat clouded over his expression. When he shook his head once, his voice was firm and clear. “No.”
I stiffened beneath his touch. “No? What do you mean no?”
For a long moment, he just stared at me, and I immediately felt the walls around me start to crumble. Like ice cold water was being poured over me, my mood chilled and I jerked away from his embrace.
The one time I decided to have sex with someone not because I could, but because it was someone I was emotionally attached to, he refused me! The slice cut deep, more painful than an acid burn. Screw these emotions! I didn’t care if they made the sex more incredible! This rejection hurt!
Strong arms enfolded me and I fought him, trying to get myself free. When Hastie slowly moved his mouth up the side of my neck beside my ear, I felt his words burn against my skin. “It means that when I fuck you, you won’t ever have second thoughts of me come morning.”
Arousal shot through my system at his crude words. I hated how my body reacted to his words. It made me feel so confused.
I wish there was a Dating for Dummies manual that I could consult for all this. Or, more specifically, a How to Handle Hastie Handbook that laid out clearly in columns the instructions of what to do. His growled words against my ear left me stunned. And beyond turned on.
Hands on his chest, I curled my fingers into him. His gaze remained stern as he looked down at me. “I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you in any way.”
“You won’t hurt me. I’m not a virgin whose innocence you’re stealing. You’re not saving me from anything by doing this. Do you look down on me so much that you think I can’t make up my mind on what I want?”
His lips formed a stern line as my words settled in. “Fifteen minutes ago, you were dead set on keeping your legs shut. What changed? Why now? I don’t want this night to be something you regret.”
“I don’t know. I realized I didn’t want to fight what’s between us anymore. I want to know what it’s like to be in your bed rather than wonder. I want to speak freely with you. Be free with you.”
He gave one shake of his head, conveying his confusion. “Freedom has nothing to do with this.”
“It does to me,” I said simply. “You’ve lived your entire existence doing as you please, never having to worry about the consequences of your actions. I’m looking for my turn now. I want to live wildly with no regrets.” I pulled him in closer, letting him know how much this meant to me. “I want to be wild with you. But if you’re not interested then I’ll just find some other guy to be with.” The last bit was a taunt. I pushed off him, growing frustrated by the second.
Hastie gripped my wrist and pulled me back to him. His voice was a low, threatening growl. “You’re not going anywhere with anyone.”
I looked into his deep green eyes. “I know what I want and I want you, Hastie. I was stupid for saying I wouldn’t have sex with you earlier. I was just trying to convince myself that I didn’t want you as much as I really do. But there’s no point in denying it anymore. We both know it. I want you,” I repeated. “And only you.”
There, in the dim light of the moon, Hastie’s face was partially obscured by shadows. But I could make out the slow wolfish smile that spread his lips. His lip ring glinted in the low light and it only reminded me of how it felt against my own lips.
Then, the unexpected happened. Hastie laughed in a loud burst that echoed through the room. “You surprise me, Indy. Every goddamn time I think I have you figured out, you surprise me. Come here.”
A couple steps forward and I was in his warm embrace again. He kissed me on the forehead, the gesture so sweet it took the anger out from me. “Will you kiss me now?” I asked where my face was mashed up against his chest.
On a pained laugh, he said, “Yeah, babe, I’ll kiss you. But just to make sure there are no regrets come morning, I still won’t be taking you out of your panties tonight.”
I pushed back from his chest, tipping my head up to look up at him. “Fine,” I said coyly, “Then I’ll take them off for you.”
His head tilted back on a roar of laughter. I loved the way it transformed his face, but he shook his head as I tried to pull back. “The panties stay on,” he said firmly. I pinched him in the tender place on his side. “Ow. Watch it. You may not like your punishments. Get on the bed.”
My eyes widened at his command. But excitement surged through me. So what if I had sex with others before this? Being with Hastie was like doing it for the very first time. The butterflies resurfaced, fluttering frantically in my tummy. The uncertainty of what to do with a man like him made me nervous.
His gaze roamed from my painted hot pink toes all the way up my legs to my belly button and lingered there. As he moved towards me, he undressed, peeling off layers and layers of clothing that seemed like a violation. Nothing should ever hide his exquisite body. “You’re looking at me like you want to eat me
right up. Do you like what you see?”
I nodded, too turned on by that point to speak. “Good,” he said, lowering his head to me. “I like your hungry eyes on me. I’ll leave these on for now.” My eyes dropped to his dark jeans and how they encased his thick thighs and huge erection. Thoughts fled me as his lips descended on mine in a heated possession.
I was gasping for breath when he stopped his slow destruction and edged down my body, using his rough hands to explore my curves. Heat pooled in the apex of my thighs. Did he know just how wet I was?
As if he could read my mind, he palmed me there, the motion swift and possessive. Instinctively, I rocked into his hand, but Hastie steadied me with his other hand on my hip. “Come on,” he said as he slid both hands along the sensitive inside of my thighs, opening me wide. “Spread these thighs for my tongue.”
Growing dizzy by every command, I did as I was told, widening my legs as much as I could. I felt his rough fingertips push my skirt up slowly, exposing skin. Immediately, Hastie’s gaze dropped to my hidden core and I felt a sudden zing of excitement at the response I could get from just following each of his heated commands.
I watched his face as he stared at my almost exposed body. When his gaze flipped up to meet mine, I felt like I’d been incinerated on the spot. In those emerald eyes, Hastie was fighting for control. My own lips flipped up in a devilish smirk.
“Naughty vixen,” he murmured right before he lowered his head and pressed his mouth over my silk-clad sex. Even through the material I could feel the heat of his lips. I jerked my hips up to meet his seeking mouth.
My fingers went to the edge of my panties, trying to remove the barrier between us as quickly as possible, but his hand once again stalled me. I whimpered in response. “What?” he said with a teasing smile. “Don’t like your punishment?” The question was punctuated with a smack on my ass that had me squealing.
Suddenly, I was being turned sideways on the bed, effectively restrained by one of his heavy forearms. With my ass poised in the air, I waited until his warm palm cupped me. This time there was no question that he could feel how wet I was.
“God-fucking-damn,” he murmured. And then Hastie bent down behind me right before his tongue ran up the center of my panties, leaving a glorious sensation in its wake. I couldn’t help the cry that escaped me. It felt so damn good!
The second pass of his tongue was pure bliss and torture rolled into one. It had me clawing into the sheets. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying out but my heavy breathing could no doubt alert everyone outside of what we were doing.
In this position, with my legs pinned to one side, one thick forearm holding me down for his ministrations, I felt every excruciating pass of Hastie’s tongue on me. When he dipped down once more and stiffened his tongue so that it pressed against my aching bud, I could only writhe on the bed and moan his name over and over again.
He tucked a finger beneath the edge of my white panties and twisted the fabric so that it pulled tautly against me, adding more friction with each pass of his tongue. Just when I thought that my orgasm was within reach, he flipped me over again.
The bastard licked his lips once right before he dove between my legs and sucked hard on my clit through my panties. The pressure, the way his hands spread me wide, and the way he watched me the whole time as he sucked, catapulted me over the edge. “Hastie.”
I felt his mouth by my ear, hot and commanding. “That’s a good girl. Wanted to hear you scream my name all night, Indy.”
Holy fucking shit! I was laying there feeling half out of my mind at what Hastie had just done to me.
But he was far from finished. His hand moved to the fly of his jeans. I watched on as he popped the button and rolled the zipper down to reveal his massive erection. Figured he’d be commando.
All rational thought fled my mind when he gripped himself, his breath sawing in and out from between his lips. Just a few seconds before, I felt completely satisfied by the blinding orgasm he’d just given me, but now I wanted to know what he felt like inside of me. Moving inside of me.
Lifting my hips, my thumbs slid beneath the thin fabric of my panties to pull them down. Hastie shot me a stern look that made me stop. “I told you they’d stay on tonight.”
“No,” I nearly sobbed. “Hastie, I want you. I need you.” God, he had me begging for it!
“Yeah, baby,” he growled as he angled himself against my body. I arched towards him, wrapping my hand around the girth of his cock as he pumped into my fist, each time pressing up against my clit. “I love hearing those words coming from your pretty mouth.”
Emboldened by his praise, I continued to murmur things to him. Some were words lost in the haze of lust and others were nonsensical things that would hold no meaning in any other moment. It was glorious, the utter rawness of it, the feeling of completely letting go and living in the moment. I was flat-out out of control and didn’t care who else saw it.
Hastie’s movements grew rougher, more frantic, and I could tell he was nearing his own peak with the way his breathing hitched. I removed my hand for a second, licked a wet strip over my palm and wrapped my fingers once more around him, squeezing tightly. Hastie groaned so loud, I could feel his shudders as he moved. “That’s it, Indy,” he encouraged. “Are you gonna come for me again? Show me how that pretty pussy wants my cock?”
His words, combined with his deep thrust that brushed across my engorged clit, sent me flying once again. A wave of molten glory washed over me.
“Fuck.” Hastie’s words were barely recognizable between ragged breaths. “You’ve come twice, and I still didn’t get to taste you fully.”
He tugged on my damp panties, still an ever-present barrier between us. “Next time you won’t be wearing these. It’ll just be you and me. Skin on skin. Matter of fact, I don’t want you wearing panties ever again when you’re with me.”
My breathy reply was cut off as his self-control shattered. I could feel the stain on my panties and an absurd part of me cursed the barrier once again, needing him on me, a marking of some sort.
One thing was for sure, this man was far from typical. Hastie had managed to break down the barriers I had placed around me. By now, sex with any other person would have turned awkward. I waited for the regret to surface, but when Hastie rose from the bed to clean up and grab me a glass of water, it still didn’t come.
I was strangely touched by the tender gesture. This biker wasn’t all danger and rough edges. He was considerate as well. Could things finally be different with him? They certainly felt right in this moment.
When Hastie returned to bed, circled his arms around me, and tucked me against his body, I stiffened. “Sleep, babe. Don’t think. Just sleep.” Then he kissed my shoulder and buried his nose in my hair.
We fell asleep that way, curled up in bed with the moonlight outside, casting a surreal glow in the dark room. Somehow, after an endless string of nights of not sleeping, I managed to drift off into blissful slumber.
And for once, I was happy where I was.
THIRTEEN
V is for Vanquished
Indy
Had I known that sex with Hastie would cure my insomnia, I would have jumped into the sack with him long before now.
As I lay in his bed, I did exactly what girls shouldn’t do when still warm from a man’s body heat. I compared Hastie to my past lovers.
Though he never actually entered me, there was still no question that Hastie was the best I ever had. His touch sent electric sparks through my system, and I could now understand why sex with emotions was mind-blowing.
And his growled words? Oh Christ, his dirty talk bordered on obscene!
Hastie pulled me close to him so that we were a pair of spoons. I thought it was a little odd that a tough, badass biker dude enjoyed closeness so much. He was constantly touching me throughout the night, grazing his fingertips along my hips or my face as if he was making sure I was still there. That I wasn’t just some illusion set in fr
ont of him to trick him. It was kind of . . . nice.
But it also terrified me to the point of madness. I never, ever told anyone how I felt about them. Hastie was the first and it felt both freeing and terrifying. As the haze of arousal lifted and clarity settled in, I wondered if I had revealed too much. Even now, in his arms, I felt vulnerable. Fragile.
On a sigh, I closed my eyes and let my thoughts drift.
Heaven would be this: I didn’t have bipolar and Hastie was just another normal guy.
I just couldn’t see how it would work. The chaos within me was enough to keep me busy. How could I handle the anarchy that Hastie lived in on a daily basis too?
I could fantasize about the notion of us being together. But hell had been chosen for us. We now lived in a world where heat suffocated us, death only a few exposures away. I was crazy, and Hastie was a thug in a motorcycle club. Life couldn’t get any more complicated than that.
If only this disorder didn’t have its talons in me, maybe I could be with him. And if we didn’t have the flares, maybe I could get some help and learn to fix myself. I could be free like the other women in Glory MC. I could be like Hanna, fierce and fearless. But I couldn’t be me and still be with Hastie. It was an impossible equation.
At least tonight, I had this.
I inhaled a deep shuddering breath, expelling the deathly thoughts from my mind. I allowed myself just a few more minutes to pretend we were different from who we really were before I silently left Hastie’s bed.
Hastie
Sunlight in my eyes woke me up. My arm automatically shot out seeking soft curves only to find cold sheets. I sat up with a jolt. What the fuck?
Glancing around, I could tell from the stillness of the room that she was gone. Disappointment filled me. Indy had snuck out in the early morning without telling me. Following the sense of loss, came anger. Through the night, I remembered waking and tugging her closer against me. Did she hate that? Did I do something wrong that sent her running? I cursed, striding naked to the shower.