I managed a faint smile. “Thanks.”
He left the room, the door shutting softly. I got dressed, paid my co-pay at the window, and went out to Theo’s older truck I’d driven today.
As I was driving back, I decided not to return to Danial’s right away. I went instead to a local park I’d not visited in a long time. It was the one I’d come to with Danial more than three years ago.
I parked at the top, near the office, as I didn’t want another police officer to come and yell at me for parking in the wrong area. The day was clear and cold, the roads cleared. Everything was sparkling in the sun. The trees were barren things, branches black against the pale blue sky.
I called Terian and let him know where I was. “I’m going for a short walk.”
“Are you all right?”
I said “yes,” though we both knew I was lying. “I’ll call you if there’s anything out of the ordinary.”
“Okay. I can teleport there if you need me—”
I hung up on him.
I was worn out, as I’d been feeling lately, but not cold. I’d dressed in four layers of polar fleece, as a precaution. I walked along the plowed road slowly for a long time, looking into the snowy woods. Was this what I wanted, to feel nothing? To want nothing?
Maybe it would have been okay, if I didn’t remember that there had been a time when I’d wanted things badly. Wanted Danial, since the first time I’d seen him. Wanted his love, his touch, his heart. Wanted Theo, wanted a life with him. Gone across the country to find him, to tell him I needed him, loved him. Wanted a child, wanted Danial’s child, a life that I’d helped create, and shape. Wanted to watch him grow, wanted to see him become so many things. And in all truth, I had wanted Devlin, just to have him, to know if he did love me as Danial said that he had. To know if he would have really welcomed me, if I’d come to him in Rio.
I felt as though I was so distant from those feelings that all I could see of them were the words.
Love.
Truth.
Hope.
Passion.
I might have been moved to write a poem, but I didn’t even feel that badly about what I’d lost, though I knew on some level that I’d lost something vital, a part of myself that had disappeared into the snow that surrounded me.
Sure, Dr. Camlyn was right: I’d get well. I just had to hold on a few more weeks. I told myself I could do it. I’d been cut off from my emotions before, when Brennan died. I just had to keep going toward that light at the end of the tunnel. Darkly, I hoped that the light was the summer sun, not the light of an oncoming train.
I walked to the edges of the lake. It was frozen, as it had been that night Danial and I were here. I stepped on the edges, breaking the ice as I had that night. The ice made the same cracking sound as it had that night, but it stirred none of the satisfaction that it had once.
What was I looking to find, coming here after all this time? Memories? Some kind of sign?
I stood for a while on the shore looking out at the lake. The wind blew and the cry of a crow echoed across the trees. I looked for it, but didn’t see it. Everything was still and clean, the snow glistening in the weak sunlight.
With surprise, I looked up to see heavy white clouds were rolling in, obscuring the sun. Snow was coming, and soon. That storm predicted had arrived early.
I began walking quickly back, but the storm caught me before I was even halfway. A light snow began to fall, clinging in small flakes to my hair and jacket. I walked through it and thought that it was rather nice. I wasn’t too cold, and the flakes were pretty. In fact, it would be beautiful to go into the woods. All the branches had snow outlines, like a delicate layer of decorative frosting that sparkled in the weak light. There was that poem by Frost, about stopping in the snowy woods. These woods weren’t dark; they were comforting, as if the branches would enfold me as a lover would, and the snow would cover me as a blanket, and I would rest beneath the trees...
With a start, I realized I’d begin to wander off the path. My feet were wet to the ankles, the snow coming nearly up to my knees. The plowed road was behind me a good twenty feet.
I went back to it quickly, scared at my odd behavior. What was I thinking, strolling through the woods with an approaching storm so close? I had to get my ass home, because by now Theo would be worried. The snow was coming down harder now, and my gut was telling me I’d better get on the road as fast as I could.
By the time I got to the car, I was sweaty, exhausted, and damp with snow. As I started it up, I called Theo.
He answered on the first ring. “Sar, where are you?” he shouted.
“I’m at the park. I’m heading home—”
“You’ve been gone all day! Where have you been?”
“Theo,” I said, slightly irritated, “I’ve been here walking. I’ll be there in about an hour.”
“An hour? Sar—!”
I hung up on him, reserving all of my concentration for the road. Theo called back several, times, but I let it go to voicemail.
It took me more like an hour and a half to get home, the slick, fresh snow already several inches deep in places. When I got home, I parked in the garage next to Theo’s truck. Theo opened the door in the next moment.
He hugged me tight. “Sar, I was so worried. Thank God you’re okay.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, hugging him. “I needed to get away, just for a while.”
“What did Stephen say?” Theo asked. “Terian said you’d gone to see him. Was it bad news?”
“He said another two weeks, and I should be back to normal,” I tried to muster a smile.
“Doesn’t that make you happy?” he asked sharply.
“I don’t feel much of anything about it, though I know I should be happy.”
“How can you not be happy?” he said, with a hint of anger.
Not another fight. We’d been fighting a lot lately, ever since Elle’s recital when I’d gone off with Danial. Despite we’d made up since then, there seemed to be some undercurrent making Theo angry. Maybe he’d been angry all along, and just hid it well. We’d both been pretending so long that things were okay it was hard to tell. “I don’t know. Why do you have to yell at me when I just got home?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, hugging me again. “I’m on edge. I was worried.”
“You shouldn’t have been,” I said, gently slipping out of his grasp. “Let’s go inside, I’m freezing.” I went past him, and into the house. I petted both dogs, then went into the kitchen. “Do you want something to eat?” I said to him, opening the fridge.
He ran his hands through his hair.
“That’s not an answer,” I said gently.
“I need to leave next week, Sar.”
Just the tone of his voice said loud and clear that there was more than he was making it seem. “Leave?” I repeated, not understanding.
He looked at me steadily. “I need to go to Canada ahead of time to check out everything carefully, make sure that nothing is left to chance.”
“I thought when we agreed to go, Samuel and the others guaranteed our safety, at least until we got there. We were all going together,” I replied tiredly. “What happened?”
“He did say that, but I’m not sure we can trust him. He never guaranteed Danial’s safety,” Theo said, his stare still unwavering. “I need to do this.”
I looked into his eyes and knew he was lying to me. God, this was one time I was glad for my distant emotions. “When are you leaving?” I said, holding his gaze.
“Monday,” he said. “The day after Christmas.”
“So you’ll be here for Christmas?” I asked.
“Sar,” he said softly, coming to put his arms around me “I’ll be here for Christmas. Elle asked that, when I told her earlier today. I’ve waited too long to spend a Christmas with you both to miss one. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”
“Good,” I said softly, putting my head on his shoulder. “This will be our first Christmas together.”
“No.”
“You should eat,” he said worriedly. “Did you eat today?”
“I’ll eat later,” I said, pulling him close. “I want to be with you now, if you want me.”
He groaned, and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. But he made no move to kiss me.
Something was very wrong. I’d put him off for too many days now for him not to be immediately carrying me off to the bedroom. “What’s wrong? Something is.”
“I love you,” he said suddenly. “I just want you to know that.”
Tears formed in my eyes, and I blinked them back. “I love you, too,” I said softly.
He kissed me, and then led me by the hand to the bedroom. The sex was gentle, as he had been with me lately, as if he might break me. There was nothing different in the way he touched me; his caresses were as loving and sincere as they’d always been. After, he held me possessively, kissing me tenderly, whispering that things would get better, that the hell we’d been in for months now was finally ending.
I wanted to believe him, but I was certain some new problem waited in the wings for us. It had been in Theo’s eyes when he’d lied to me. Strangely, his secrecy prompted not only my resolution to help him see it through, but also my affection for him. Even if the problem was just his alone now, it was going to be mine eventually. For better or for worse, it was already his and he was the other half of me.
I held him to me that night, and told him softly as he slept that I loved him, that I’d always love him, that if he remembered nothing of this night when he awoke, to remember that. I didn’t know if he heard me, but I told myself he did, because thinking that let me sleep finally.
* * * *
In the morning, we didn’t speak of his lie as we ate, nor on the ride to work. But it was in my thoughts as I climbed the stairs to Danial’s office, and began to sort through emails.
Per usual, my daily dose of Devlin was waiting for me on my e-mail. Today’s quote was M. Sangster’s Forgiven:
And yet if you came back with arms stretched toward me,
Came back tonight with carefree smiling eyes,
I would forget the wounded heart you gave me,
I would forget the bruises on my soul.
My old time gods would rise again to save me,
My dreams would grow supremely new and whole,
If you came back, with arms stretched out before you,
And told me, dear, that you were glad to come!
I had not responded to his emails for the last week and a half, nor sent him any. That seemed the easiest thing to do. No one would be doing jobs over the holidays. But as I looked at the poem, I grew more and more irritated. I was tired of his e-mails, his poetry, his endless scheming to get me to fall at his feet.
I thought for a moment, and then typed a reply of several lines from Swineburne’s poem Garden of Proserpine:
I am tired of tears and laughter,
And men that laugh and weep,
Of what may come hereafter,
For men that sow to reap
I am weary of days and hours
Blown buds of barren flowers
Desires and dreams and powers
And everything but sleep.
I hit send, and watched the e-mail disappear.
I worked a short while longer, then decided that I was too tired to continue. I shut down the computer, then went down and spent some time with Theoron. Taking him into Elle’s room, we napped for an hour on her bed. About two, I got up, and put him back into his crib. After a quick lunch of canned soup, I decided to rest on the couch.
Theo came in about four, and woke me up. “Sar, maybe we should take you back to see Dr. Camlyn,” he said. “You sleep so much now it worries me.”
No way. I’d have to tell him I’d stopped taking the pills, and he’d probably make me take them again. I didn’t want to see another little yellow pill in my life. Plus, I’d flushed all of mine down the toilet last night as Theo slept. “Theo, I was just there,” I said, giving him a reassuring smile. “He checked me out. I’m fine.”
He gave me a dubious look.
“Call him if you want. Most likely, it was the long walk I took yesterday that tired me out. It’s been a long time since I walked that far.”
“I’m calling him now,” Theo said. “I want to hear him say sleeping so much is normal.”
I nodded absently. As he made the call, I watched the tree lights twinkle merrily, thinking it was good we’d set it up weeks ago. The ornaments Elle had made were there, and the spiders we had all made that Christmas. Theo had participated, confessing later how much he’d enjoyed the trimming. “It was like that time you and the foxes made that natural tree a few years ago.”
“You don’t mind we don’t have one at our house?”
“I’m just happy to be here, not injured or caged. Everything else is extra.”
I’d held him after he said that, saying nothing, because there was nothing to say that could take that old pain away, except years of Christmas trees and knowing he was safe and loved.
Theo came back. “Sar, you were right. Dr. Camlyn told me this was normal. But he said I was to make sure you ate as much as possible. Are you ready to go home?” he said, holding out his hand. “We can stop for Chinese food.”
I gave him a smile and took his hand. “Take me home, please.”
As we drove home, the scent of hot Chinese food permeating the truck cab, I asked Theo about Danial. “Will he be home for Christmas? He told Elle on the phone yesterday he was going to try.”
“Probably not. He’s trying his best to get everything in order, so that when we go to the Gathering all his open cases are shut.”
“He thinks he might not return, doesn’t he?” I said watching his face carefully.
“He expects to have to fight for you,” Theo said reluctantly. “He’d be facing vampires twice his age in the worst case scenario. It’s rational to expect he might not make it.”
“What would happen?” I ventured. “Is there some kind of contingency plan?”
Theo didn’t reply, yet his silence spoke volumes. Danial was making final preparations.
I couldn’t imagine being without Danial. I couldn’t imagine being in his house, having everything still exist here and not have him here to smile at me, to hold Theoron, to be the friend and partner that he’d become to me. Panic grasped me hard and fast. “Theo?”
“We’re working on it,” he said seriously. “As soon as a plan is finalized, I’ll tell you Sar. Trust me.”
I sat back in the seat, tired and scared, and didn’t reply.
* * * *
The next few days passed quickly.
I received more emails from Devlin, but these were all work related. I responded to them as best I was able, but a couple I had to call Danial to ask him the answers. I was glad of the excuse to call him in any case. He’d been gone now for over two weeks. Even when he called back, I received only messages because I was sleeping. Days when I was up, he was sleeping to prepare for the nights he was putting in. In short, I missed him.
I waited until late in the afternoon, and dialed Danial’s cell phone. Brian answered on the first ring.
“Hi, Bri. Is Danial awake?”
“Sar, I’m glad this is you,” Brian said, relieved. “You saved me time tracking you down. Danial wanted me to wake him early to talk to you before you were sleeping tonight. Wait just a moment.” There were sounds of him opening a door. “Sar,” he said.
The door closed. “Sar?” Danial asked hopefully.
“It’s good to hear your voice. I wanted to call to make sure you were all right.”
“I’m glad you did. I’m worried about you. Theo tells me that you are colder.”
That was bizarre. “Stephen didn’t tell me that. Neither did Theo. When did he tell you?”
“He said he thought your body seemed cooler to him late
last night.”
“I haven’t been any colder that I was. When I got back from walking yesterday, I was chilled and wet. He’s probably referencing that. But I’m not sick, or anything.”
“Please eat as much as you can,” he said, worried. “It’s taking a toll on you, getting the virus from your system.”
“Danial, don’t blame yourself for this.”
“Sar, Theo’s right on one point: I’m the one who did this to you.”
“I wanted our child. I wanted to be with you. I wouldn’t undo it, Danial.”
He sighed. “If only things were easier.”
“Danial, what is going on with Theo? What prompted his sudden need to go to Canada ahead of us?”
There was silence.
“Danial, tell me.”
“Ask me Monday night, Sar,” he replied. “I’ll tell you then.”
By that time, Theo would have left. “Tell me now, Danial,” I said, mustering a little anger. “Why is he going early? Did you find something out? Are the other Rulers plotting something?”
“Ask him yourself, Sar. If you ask him point blank and tell him you know he’s lying, he’ll tell you.”
“So you know he’s lying, too.”
“Yes.”
Danial almost never answered with a single word.
“Is this another challenge? Is he trying for the number one spot?”
“No,” Danial said darkly. “He knows he wouldn’t win. Did you call me to discuss this lie, or for some other reason? This subject is closed, Sar.”
Angry as I was, when he said those words it meant no amount of my screaming, pleading, or crying would change his mind. Stubborn Ass. “I called you for direction on a few questions Devlin posed.”
“Leave them in the inbox. I’ll log in tonight and answer him directly. Anything else?”
“No, other than to be careful, and we hope you’re back by Christmas.”
“I will not be. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you would arrange to stay over that night. Elle and Theoron need as normal a holiday as possible. They need one loving parent there, at least.”
While Danial had alluded before to Theo’s lack of devotion to Elle, he’d never before made it an insult. More scary, Terian was with Danial, and if he couldn’t teleport home just for the evening, he had to be dealing with something not only tough, but very dangerous. “I’ll be there, with Theo or without.”
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