Is that what he does? Get together with friends and blow off steam? I know for a fact I’m the best friend Connor has here on the ranch. Doesn’t that at least imply that, even if he isn’t interested in me romantically, he might be interested in me physically?
Not that we can do anything about it, of course. That’s the whole point he’s making.
“To tell you the truth,” I say, “I don’t really miss it.”
“You don’t?”
He’s skeptical, which is fair. I’m lying. I totally miss it.
Maybe for a while I didn’t, but ever since Rachel’s wedding, I’ve been going out of my mind. I’ve been employing yoga breathing techniques in bed at night, trying to collect myself and calm my body down for sleep. I’ve been taking twice as many showers as I used to. I’ve also become increasingly aware of other women who behave the way I do, who lie awake at night and shower twice a day. I never noticed it before. There’s a lot of sexual frustration in the single women’s dorm.
Things probably would have settled back down for me by now if Connor hadn’t come to town, but with him here, it’s like there’s a slowly growing fire under my skin. Every time I see him, I just want to rip my clothes off. And that’s tough, because we see a lot of each other.
I’m not complaining. I think he’s finding more and more excuses to spend time with me, and honestly, I’ve been doing the same. I could easily go and eat with Miriam and the girls if I wanted to, or with Bev and Olivia. I don’t have to be tucked away into this corner with this gorgeous man who makes me feel like I can’t catch my breath.
It’s like I’m torturing myself. This can’t come to anything. No matter how close we sit, no matter how many times our fingers brush or we make each other laugh, we can’t have sex. We can’t even kiss. The rules are very strict, and if we break them, we could be expelled from Pyrite. I can’t risk that.
My eyes flash open in the dark. Connor.
I’m alone in the dark of my dormitory cubicle, but the dream was so vivid that I could swear he was just here with me. I can almost smell the sweat that was coming off his skin as he moved against me.
Maybe that’s my own sweat.
I roll over and sit up in bed, taking note of my heavy breathing. I listen for the sound of stirring from the other women in the dormitory. Is it possible any of them heard the noise I was making? Breathing might not be that loud, but what if I called out in my sleep? I was definitely making plenty of noise in the dream itself. If I vocalized something…
God, what if I said his name?
That would be a catastrophe. First of all, any of these women might tell Connor what they heard. It wouldn’t be a very kind thing to do, but that doesn’t mean I can rely on it not happening. And if he were told, if he knew I was having dreams about him, things would definitely become awkward between us. I don’t want to lose the friendship we’ve been building. With Rachel married off, I’m sorely in need of a new friend.
There was also the risk that my dorm mates might tell Xavier if they suspect I’m having erotic dreams, and that could be a huge problem, too. I definitely don’t want to talk to Xavier about these feelings, nor do I want to receive a lecture about how sexuality isn’t appropriate in my unmarried state.
I couldn’t help it, I remind myself, feeling defensive. It was just a dream. It’s not like I had a choice in the matter.
But I know what Xavier would say to that. He would tell me I needed to focus on controlling my thoughts better, that once my mind was truly at peace, I wouldn’t be troubled by unwelcome dreams.
Maybe he’s right. I don’t know. I’ve been here three years, but in the scheme of things, that’s not so much. I know I still have a lot to learn.
I let out a sigh, get out of bed, and push open the room divider that separates me from the main hallway of the dorm. All the other dividers are in place. Everyone else is either asleep or lying peacefully in bed. No one is peeking out to investigate any unusual sounds. Maybe I don’t have anything to worry about.
I pull on my sandals and make my way down the hall to where a clay jug sits full of water, and pour myself a cup. I drink it standing by the table, my eyes scanning the room for any sign of wakefulness, but the place is quiet. Serene.
Nothing to worry about, I tell myself. Everything’s fine. I turn the cup upside down on the table to indicate it’s been used and is ready for washing in the morning and make my way back to bed.
Is Connor going through anything like what I am? I’m almost sure the tension between us is mutual. He asked me about sex just this afternoon. Could that have been an idle question? I don’t think so. I can’t believe these moments that keep running through my mind, incidents when we almost touched, when the air between us was thick with electricity, could have escaped his notice. I can’t be imagining them.
Is there any chance he’s lying awake too, jolted from sleep by dreams of me?
I could go to him. The thought occurs to me like lightning going off in my brain. Everyone is asleep now, even Xavier. I could slip out of the dorm, make my way across the lawn to the men’s building, and find Connor. I know where his bed is, after all. I was there when he chose it. And once I arrived…
No. No, I can’t. I have to play by the rules. If we want to pursue a marriage, the first step is to meet with Xavier so that he can approve our choice—
Wait. Marriage?
Am I seriously thinking about marriage with a man I hardly know, just because I’m so painfully attracted to him?
I feel like I missed a step going down. I know that I can’t seriously think about a sexual relationship with Connor until and unless we’re married before the community. But I can’t seriously be considering marrying him, can I? Why did my mind go there so quickly? Connor’s sexy, yes, unbearably so, and he’s fast becoming one of my best friends. But even so, I’ve known him less than a month. That’s way too short a time to be thinking about such a serious commitment.
Or is it?
In the real world, it would be laughably short. But here on the ranch, things work differently. I do want to marry eventually, I know that much. I want to have a partner, a sex life, and the possibility of children. I want to move out of the dorm and into a private residence.
I can’t have any of those things without marriage. And I know that I don’t want to marry any of the other men who live here. Maybe taking the next step with Connor isn’t wildly impulsive. Maybe it’s good common sense. After all, doesn’t it make sense to lock him down before some other girl tries to make a move?
I roll over and pull my pillow over my head. I need to get back to sleep. There’s no point in lying awake and thinking like this. The sun will be up in a few hours and Connor and I will see each other for yoga. I need to clear my head before then, because if I show up all hot and bothered and with marriage on my mind, I doubt I’ll even be able to look him in the eye.
Chapter 7
Kyle
It doesn’t take long to fall into the routine of ranch living; before long, I’m going through the motions of each day, just like I did in the outside world. I’m able to complete my daily chores on autopilot, more or less, while keeping my mind disengaged. Which is a good thing, because my mind has plenty of work to do that doesn’t involve swinging an axe or sanding the lumber that will be converted into new furniture.
As hard as it is to admit, I’m simply not making any progress on my mission. I haven’t uncovered any evidence at all against Xavier since I arrived at the ranch.
Somewhere close by, I know my superiors are getting frustrated with me. But I don’t know what I can do about it. Tammy was right when she said I wouldn’t be able to get a meeting with Xavier; I’ve asked around, put feelers out to people in different areas in the commune to try and figure out how such a thing might be done, and everyone has just laughed me off. “You can’t see Xavier,” they say. “He’s far too busy.”
I’ve seen him a few times, passing through, making the occasional comment to som
eone, but that someone is never me. Xavier and I haven’t exchanged words since the day I arrived at Pyrite. If I’d known then how rare an audience with him was, I would have made more of the opportunity.
I step outside my dorm. The day is gray and overcast, the perfect complement to my mood. It isn’t raining, but the sky feels as if it’s straining to rain. Resentment at my situation bubbles up from the pit of my stomach. This whole operation is pointless. Xavier is never going to talk to me. I’m never going to learn anything useful. We should have just sent in a strike force from the beginning. At least they’d be able to make some progress.
I’m about to head up the hill to meet Tammy for yoga when a voice calls, “Hey, Connor!”
I turn. It’s Brian, who works next to me in the construction barn. Brian’s in his thirties, with a neatly trimmed beard, and it was he who took the time to show me the ropes on my first day in the barn. If I was in the market for friends here, Brian would probably be someone I’d choose. I stop and he jogs across the lawn to meet me.
“What’s up?” I ask. Brian doesn’t usually attend the yoga practice.
“There’s a dorm going up today,” he says, sounding excited. “A new one. For the women. I guess they’ve outgrown their space. Anyway, construction is volunteer only, but do you want to come help? You’ve never been involved in a dorm raising.”
He looks so excited, like he’s offering me a rare treat. And, if I’m being honest, the idea does appeal to me. I’ve never seen a building put up.
“Why isn’t everyone helping?” I ask. “That’s what Tammy told me happens when there’s a new building.”
“Sometimes it does,” Brian agrees. “Sometimes Xavier likes to keep the other areas of the ranch operational.” He pauses, eyeing me. “You and Tammy have gotten pretty close, haven’t you?”
“I mean…” I trail off, unsure of what to say.
What exactly is he accusing me of? There’s no way Brian could know the thoughts—fantasies, really—that have been chasing each other through my head. There’s no way he could know that I’ve been wondering what it would be like to kiss Tammy, what her body feels like, almost since the moment I met her. God, I bet her skin is soft. I bet her lips are soft. But when she’s excited…in my head, she becomes wild, desperate. I imagine her ripping my clothes off, gripping me tightly, pulling me as close as possible…
Brian is still watching me.
“We’re friends,” I say, my voice cracking slightly. I hope my face doesn’t show any hint of what I was just thinking. “She was the first person I met when I came to the ranch, and she’s sort of taken an interest in me, I guess.”
“And have you taken an interest in her?”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s the right age for marriage,” Brian says. “My brother, Paul, and I have been expecting her wedding for about a year now, but she rejects any man who approaches her. We were starting to wonder if the right one would ever come along…and then you arrived on the ranch.”
“Hang on, marriage?” I shake my head, jolted suddenly out of my fantasies. “We’ve only known each other a few weeks.”
Brian laughs. “I forget sometimes how new you are to ranch life. You fit in so well with us, I guess it’s easy to ignore the fact that you just got here. But marriage happens very quickly here at Pyrite, Connor. With such a small pool of potential partners, people tend to figure out their best match pretty quickly. Tammy has had plenty of time to consider every other young man on the ranch, and she dismissed all of them. But she seems to like you. I’m sure if you asked her, she’d say yes.”
How on earth did we end up talking about whether Tammy and I were going to get married? I feel like I’ve fallen into an alternate reality.
I like Tammy. I like her a lot. I want to get to know her better. And someday in the future, when we’ve had plenty of time to think about it and discuss it, I could see marriage potentially being on the table. But Brian sounds like he wants me to ask her today.
I do the only thing I can think of—change the subject.
“I’d love to help with that new dorm.”
Brian laughs. I get the feeling he knows exactly what I just did and why.
“Great. Come with me.”
I follow him across the lawn to a cluster of people standing around several four-by-fours laid out in the grass. If nothing else, this unusual task will give me a few hours away from Tammy’s intoxicating presence and help me to clear my head.
The dorm raising is being supervised by an older man named Wes, who I know only peripherally. He works in the kitchen with his wife, Madeleine, and I guess he’s not a strong cook because I usually see him serving. More than once, as he’s placed a salad or a bowl of potatoes in front of me, he’s stopped to rest a hand on my shoulder and ask me how I’m settling in.
Now, Wes directs us to various teams. I’m assigned to a group of four that includes Tammy’s friends Rachel and James, newly back from their honeymoon, and a woman in her fifties named Nancy. Nancy takes charge of our team, telling me, James and Rachel what to attach where, and the three of us work in companionable silence, bracing boards, pounding in nails, and, in my case, hoping Nancy knows what she’s doing.
Before long, though, the building starts to take shape under our hands. I can see what we’re making now. It’s the short side of the dorm. The peaked part at the top is the roof, of course, and this is the wall. Nancy has even left a doorway. This isn’t her first dorm raising, I imagine.
Before the walls go up, we break for lunch. A few of the young kids come running out of the kitchen with bag lunches and pass them among us. I unpack oven-baked potato chips, a roast beef sandwich, an apple, and two oatmeal raisin cookies.
“I got honey orange,” James says, beside me. “Swap one?”
I hand him one of my cookies and he passes over one of his in exchange. It’s an interaction that reminds me of grade school days and makes me feel young and nostalgic. I could almost forget, in a day peppered with moments like this, that I’m here to blow the whistle on a dangerous cult.
“How long have you been on the ranch?” I ask James, biting into my sandwich.
“About ten years,” he says. “My parents moved us here when I was a teenager, after they both lost their jobs.”
“Wow. What was that like?” I ask. “Coming to a commune as a teenager, I mean. That must have been…intense.”
I’m eager to get this new perspective on ranch life. What does Pyrite do to indoctrinate its teen members? There must be something, some different experience James will be able to report that Tammy doesn’t have. Maybe he’ll be able to point me in the direction of the evidence I’m looking for.
“Well, it was dramatic at first,” James laughs. “Of course, I hated my parents for doing it. I fantasized every night about running away. I had friends on the outside, you know, normal high school friends. I liked to play video games. I had a girlfriend, and we were physical with each other.”
I glance over at Rachel. She doesn’t seem bothered by this piece of information, so I guess it isn’t news.
“What changed things for you?” I ask. “I mean, you seem very happy here now. Did someone say something to talk you into it?”
“No, nothing like that.” He looks slightly bemused as he thinks back over his past. “I don’t remember exactly when it changed for me. I think I just adjusted to my new life gradually, you know? I made some friends here, and that helped. I met Rachel. We used to talk about getting married one day, even back then. I knew that when I turned eighteen I would have the option to leave the ranch, since I would be a legal adult, but by then, I wanted to stay. I liked my life. I had a plan for my future.”
“We know this life can seem strange to outsiders,” Rachel says, twining her fingers through James’ and leaning against his shoulder. “We both thought it was insane when we first got here. But gradually, we came to realize that there are plenty of valid ways to live your life, and as long as you’re
happy and not causing harm, you’re doing pretty good.”
“It means a lot to Rachel and me that the ranch is sustainable,” James says. “So many human societies are burning through natural resources without a care. But we can go on as we are for a long time.”
I nod, regarding the two of them. They look happy, but what I didn’t expect—even after all the time I’ve spent with Tammy—was how self-aware they sound. They’re just as smart as she is. They know how weird Pyrite Ranch is. Well, okay, no, they don’t really know how weird it is. They don’t know Xavier is stockpiling weapons. But they do know that it’s hard for people to understand, and they’ve both clearly put considerable thought into their decision to live here.
How is it possible that all these people are so cognizant of their surroundings and yet are all so deceived as to the true nature of this place?
There’s only one explanation I can think of.
Xavier must be a genius.
And that’s an absolutely terrifying idea.
I dust the cookie crumbs off my hands and get to my feet with the others, ready to get back to work. If you’d asked me this morning, I wouldn’t have believed it, but now, I can see that this building is most likely going to be complete by the end of the day. Looking around the lawn, I can see that each of the different groups has finished their wall. The next step will be to put them upright and attach them together—then, the basic structure of the dormitory will be in place.
After that, I’m not sure. We’ll have to skin the thing somehow. Do these dorms have insulated walls? That doesn’t sound like a sustainable project. I wonder how it’s done.
Tammy is going to be so impressed when she sees this.
I shoo the thought away. I’m not doing this to impress Tammy. I’m doing it for an opportunity to connect with other people on the ranch. Hell, I’m doing it to distract myself from Tammy. But that doesn’t seem to be working. All I can think about as James and I hold our side of the dorm in place for the others to fasten it to its neighbors is what Tammy will say when she sees that I helped put up a whole new building.
In Deep - A Secret Twins Romance (Once a SEAL, Always a SEAL Book 6) Page 6