“I tried to contact you, you know,” she says.
“You did?”
“Yes. After Pyrite, when we were still with the government program and they were reacclimating us, I asked to see ‘Connor.’ I asked if I could see the officer who had infiltrated Pyrite and saved us.”
“They never told me that,” I say, stunned. “I wanted to see you, Tammy. Nobody gave me the message.”
“They said I was asking for classified information. I guess they meant your identity, huh?”
“I guess they did,” I agree.
The waiter returns with plates of sushi, and for the next few minutes, Tammy and I lose ourselves in the delights of eating.
I’ve never been much of a sushi man, and for the first time in our lives together, she actually seems worldlier than me. She stops me from biting my sushi in half, explaining that it’s bad manners to do so. She points out the different ingredients and steers me in the direction of rolls she thinks I might like. She keeps calling the waiter back to the table, ordering more and more plates, pushing some at me and popping some in her own mouth. I can tell she’s having a great time. The wine glasses are refilled over and over, and by the time the waiter brings out green tea flavored ice cream, we’re both laughing.
“You’re telling me Miriam is still a gossip?” I ask her.
“My God, it was almost superhuman. I’m telling you, Kyle, she knew everything about my life, and I haven’t spoken to the woman since the raid! I don’t know if she’s been stalking me on social media or what.”
“You don’t know how weird it is to hear you talk about social media,” I say, grinning. “The last time I saw you, you were like, literally grinding wheat to make your own bread.”
“Well, the twenty-first century is pretty cool, actually,” Tammy says. “And it’s nice to know that the apocalypse isn’t coming.”
“Did you think it was?”
“Nah, I had no idea Xavier ever believed in that crap. It probably would have stopped me from going to Pyrite in the first place if I had known. I thought his whole ‘back to nature’ thing was really progressive.”
“I do remember everyone on the ranch being happy,” I say. “That’s what’s kind of horrific about the whole thing, really. It was almost good.”
“Almost,” she says, somewhat dreamily, tipping the last few drops from the bottle of wine into her glass.
“You know,” I say, “I liked being there with you, Tammy.”
“I liked it, too,” she admits. “When you came, those were my favorite times on the ranch in all three years. And even after I left, I always remembered those good times.”
I nod, completely in time with her. “I always remembered you, too.”
“You did?”
We make eye contact. It’s so intense that it feels like a tangible thing, like there’s a connection between us I could reach out and touch.
“I’ve thought of you almost every day, Tammy. I’ve wondered how you’re doing and wished there was some way I could talk to you.” I slide my hand across the table until it finds hers. “I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you too,” she whispers, her fingers turning to grip mine.
God, I know I shouldn’t be doing this—I shouldn’t be doing any of this. But there has never been a moment in the time I’ve known Tammy when it would have been acceptable to pursue anything more than friendship, and I’ve been restraining myself for so long, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore.
She leans across the table and her lips are on mine, and suddenly I can’t stand this table between us, can’t stand that we’re in public. I can’t even wait for the waiter to come back. I pull several bills out of my wallet—it’s got to be enough—take her by the hand, and pull her to her feet. We need to get home, but again, I can’t wait.
I crush her to me, desperate for more of her, needy. It’s painful. It’s like I can’t breathe. She pushes her body so close to mine it’s practically indecent.
“We need to get back,” I groan into her ear, and she nods.
The trip back to the apartment is excruciating. I keep wanting to stop for kisses or to let my hands explore her body, but I know I can’t risk it. And the apartment is so close. All I have to do is hang on for a few more minutes. I’ve waited two years. I can do this.
As soon as we make it up the stairs and close the door behind us, we’re in each other’s arms, on each other. There’s not even time to get fully undressed. I’m pulling her dress up over her hips and she’s shoving my pants down for me to kick out of the way, and for a moment, I flash back to that day in the forest when I held her in my arms, braced against a tree, and we both forgot who and where we were for a few blissful minutes.
This time is going to be different.
We whet our appetites for each other in the kitchen, and then I pull back from her. She whines in protest, but goes quiet as I lift her dress over her head and unclip her bra, leaving her naked and vulnerable. I step back and look her over, taking in her gorgeous figure, flawless skin, the exhilarated heaving of her chest.
I pull off my own clothes, grab her wrist, and yank her forcefully to me.
She hasn’t broken eye contact.
I scoop her up in my arms, carry her to the bedroom, and lay her down gently on the bed. We have all night. Neither of us have anywhere to be. And, God, I’ve wanted her for so long. I’m going to take my time with this.
I’m going to really enjoy it. And so is she.
Chapter 16
Kyle
Waking up in a soft bed with Tammy beside me, her red hair strewn across the pillow…nothing in my life so far compares to this.
Am I losing my mind?
She is, hands down, the sexiest woman I’ve ever been with, but it’s more than that. I want to curl up and stay here in bed with her all day. I want to cook her breakfast. How can I be feeling this much for someone I hardly even know?
On the other hand, is it right to say I hardly know her? We may not have known each other long, but we have been through some very intense times together. If you count knowledge of a person not in years but in the depth of their shared experience, Tammy and I are practically an old married couple. No one can understand both sides of the Pyrite drama the way the two of us can.
I snuggle down under the covers, wrap my arm around her waist, and pull her back into me. I can feel her breathing change—I’ve woken her up—but she doesn’t startle or resist my embrace. She comes to me willingly.
“Hi,” she whispers under her breath, sounding still half asleep.
“Don’t wake up,” I whisper back into her hair, leaning down gently to kiss her shoulder.
“It’s morning.”
“It’s early.”
“When do you have to—” She cuts herself off with a giant yawn, and it’s so cute that I find myself pressing my face into her shoulder to hide a grin. “When are you heading to the airport?”
“In about an hour, probably.”
“Mm.”
Don’t let go. As soon as you let go of her, as soon as you leave this bed, you have to go back to reality.
I don’t know what I was thinking. Tammy and I have never existed in reality. We’ve only ever been able to exist together off the grid. First, sneaking away from Pyrite and the oppressive rules that governed the sexual conduct of its members. And now, clinging to each other in her apartment, pretending as long as we can that we’re not from different cities, from different worlds. Pretending we’re not both key witnesses in a court case that we hope will convict the man who tried to destroy her life.
That’s more important. It just has to be.
I trace her shoulder blade with my thumb. “You know we shouldn’t have done it,” I say. “Not with the trial about to start.”
“You regret it, then?” The resignation in her voice tells me this isn’t a surprise to her. She knew it was coming, or at least anticipated it.
I sigh. I know what I should say. I should lie. I
should make this easy.
“No,” I tell her, my voice raspy over the words. “I don’t regret it. Of course not.”
She turns in my arms and kisses me hard, wrapping her leg over my hip, and I know this is the last time I’ll ever get to hold her like this. This is all just too irresponsible. Too careless. We can’t allow it to happen again, no matter how much we enjoy it. No matter how sexy and funny and amazing this woman is, I have to say goodbye. We can never, ever be real.
She stays in bed when I get up, watching as I search around the apartment for my clothes. It takes me a while. Things were so hectic last night that they ended up all over the place. My shirt is on the bedroom floor, but my pants are in the kitchen, and I have no idea where one of my socks is, so I guess I’m flying home short one sock. That’ll be interesting in the airport security line when I have to take off my shoes to be scanned.
“Will I see you again?” she asks. She’s sitting up, clutching a pillow to her chest, as if for comfort. She’s going to miss me just as much as I will her; I can tell.
“Probably,” I say. “I’ll be at Xavier’s trial, so I guess we’ll see each other there.”
It seems like a horrible consolation prize. I want so much more from us than waving across a crowded courtroom. We have the potential to be so much more than an awkward greeting on the front steps. I don’t know how I’m going to let go of this.
“He’s still messing up my life,” Tammy says. She has tears in her eyes.
“Who?” I ask, longing to go back to the bed and put my arms around her. I restrain myself. We need a clean break. It’s the only way we’ll get through this.
“Xavier,” she says. “Even now, two years later, when I thought I’d gotten away from him, he’s still ruining everything. I’ve been doing so well. I have an apartment. I have a job. I earn my own money and pay my own bills. You know, my therapist says a lot of people who have been part of cults are never able to live normally afterward.”
“I’ve heard,” I say.
“I worked hard to get my life back. I wanted to have all the choices I would have had if Xavier had never come into my world. And that means being able to fall in love if I want. And yet, he’s taken that away from me, too.”
“You can fall in love,” I say softly. “Of course you can fall in love.”
“But I can’t fall in love with you.”
I don’t answer. I can’t. This is too hard.
“What if I already have?” she says.
“Think about the trial, Tammy,” I say. “All these things Xavier has done, to you and to everyone else. It’s time for him to pay. That’s what’s important now.”
“You’re right,” she whispers, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes. “I know you’re right.”
Chapter 17
Tammy
Six weeks go by in the blink of an eye. I would have expected to be consumed by the upcoming trial, able to think of nothing else, but in fact, it floats in and out of my mind and seems almost surreal.
It’s like most things from Pyrite, really. It exists in a weird unreal space that can’t quite touch the everyday life I’ve built for myself since leaving the ranch.
Okay, yes, I used to work each day in what was basically an upscale sweatshop, sewing variations on the same clothes again and again until my mind went so numb from the work that I couldn’t even recognize the fact that my life was being manipulated. And yes, okay, I once handed all my sexual decisions over to a man who turned out to be a crazy person.
But none of that is my real life. In real life, I pay my bills, I go to work, I call my mother. I do normal-person things.
And Kyle? Where does he fit in?
He doesn’t fit in anywhere. I have to keep reinforcing that to myself. Every time he pops into my head, I push him back out. He doesn’t fit into the strange life I had at on the ranch, because he was lying to me there. There was never a man named Connor who fell in love with me as I showed him the ways of the ranch. We were never going to get married. That was a fiction. I’ve forgiven him for the lie, of course—I understand what he did and why he needed to do it. But that doesn’t mean there was anything real going on.
And Kyle fits even less into my new, real life. He lives a full day’s drive away, for one thing, and that basic challenge right there would probably be enough of a deal-breaker for a lot of relationships.
I don’t think that by itself would stop either of us, though. The way I feel about Kyle is surprisingly strong. It’s almost overwhelming, and it’s certainly nothing I’ve ever felt for any other man. Not only that, I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me. But until the trial is over and Xavier has answered for his crimes, it would be irresponsible for Kyle and me to pursue anything.
My lawyer actually explained it to me pretty well, on one of the many occasions I sat down with him to practice serving as a witness in the trial.
“If opposing counsel gets the idea that there’s some relationship between you and this man,” he said, “they’ll use it to cast doubt on your credibility. They could say he made up the things he saw because he wanted to break you out of an environment where the social norms forbade sexual conduct, for example.”
“Kyle wasn’t making anything up!” I said, scandalized.
“I know that,” the lawyer agreed. “But it won’t stop the defense from trying to make that point. Okay?”
I sighed. “Okay.”
The day before the trial is to take place, I drive to Sacramento again. This time, the government is paying for my hotel, and they’ve put me up in the same place as all the other people from the commune. I don’t want to see anyone tonight, though. I feel like running into Miriam on my way to get a soda in this hotel would be too surreal to handle, especially tonight. So, I stay in my room and avoid all interactions with anyone.
I do wonder who’s here, though. Could Bev and Olivia be present? My first thought is that they’re probably not asking minors to testify, but then it occurs to me that Olivia isn’t a minor anymore. Two years have gone by. She’s eighteen years old now. She could be in college, maybe, if she completed the GED she was working on when I knew her. I hope she’s coping all right with being out—after all, she was raised on the ranch. She never knew the real world.
Once again, anger at Xavier spikes within me. We have to do something about him. We have to force him to account for what he’s done, all the lives he’s ruined. And I feel a surge of satisfaction, knowing that tomorrow, I will finally get my chance. In the beginning, when I found out this trial was coming, I was intimidated. I was nervous at the idea of facing him. Now, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to sit opposite him and show him that I am not afraid, that he didn’t defeat me.
In the morning, a car collects me from the hotel and I am driven to the courthouse, where a suited lawyer meets me. I haven’t worked with this woman before, but she smiles and extends her hand to shake.
“Tammy Owens, right? I’m Vivian Yates. You can call me Vivian, okay?”
“Okay,” I say.
Vivian leads me into a small room with a conference table, closes the door, and pours me a glass of water. “We’ll go into the courtroom in a few minutes,” she says. “Before we do, let’s go over your testimony.”
So, I review with her the story I’ve told government lawyers countless times now—how I came to the ranch thinking it was a health retreat, a vacation; how I was offered a permanent place to live; how the decision to stay was my choice and I did see people come for the health retreat and then leave.
“So, you wouldn’t say Xavier was kidnapping people?” Vivian clarifies.
“No,” I say reluctantly. “But I would say he had us there under false pretenses. Does that count?”
“Don’t worry,” she says. “We’ve got plenty to charge him with.”
“Will it be just Xavier?” I ask. “Or Elias, too?”
Vivian frowns and flips through her papers. “Who?”
“Elias Chambers.
He was Xavier’s right-hand man. There’s no way Xavier could have done everything he did alone. He had assistance, and Elias is the only person it could have been, I think.”
“Xavier is the only one we arrested that night,” Vivian says.
That’s a bit of a blow. I’ve been expecting to come in and testify against both of them, and while Xavier is the one I really want to see answer for his crimes, I was looking forward to Elias’ day of reckoning, too. He may have been more of a brute than Xavier—more of a follower and less the brains behind the operation—but he was an awful person to live with, always leering at the women on the ranch and standing around in places of work while the rest of us sweated and labored.
Vivian’s watching me, obviously concerned. “This isn’t going to be a problem, is it?”
“No,” I say quickly. “No problem. I was just expecting to see Elias. I didn’t know he had escaped.”
“We need you to stick with us, Tammy,” Vivian says, and for the first time, there is a stern quality to her voice. “You’re not going to drop out, are you?”
“What? Of course not!”
The suggestion is absurd. I’ve been preparing for this lawsuit, thinking of almost nothing else, for weeks. Well, almost nothing else…
Of course, it is extremely challenging to keep reliving my time at the ranch without being driven to thoughts of Kyle. Especially because he is a prominent figure in many of the stories the lawyers have been asking me to tell and retell. They want to know how I came to live at Pyrite, yes, and what my day-to-day life was like there, but then they also want to know how the routine of the ranch was able to cope with a newcomer. They want to know what steps I took to indoctrinate—that’s their word, indoctrinate, like I was trying to brainwash him—Kyle into the ways of the ranch.
All of this makes it nearly impossible to keep Kyle from my mind. It’s not helping that my mind wants to dwell on him, either. He is my favorite fantasy, a lovely escape from the mundane regularity of my real life—which, as much as I am pleased to have it, as little as I can take it for granted, is beginning to settle into a routine. Everyone needs a daydream, and mine all feature Kyle.
In Deep - A Secret Twins Romance (Once a SEAL, Always a SEAL Book 6) Page 12