by Jenna Rae
Things had more or less returned to normal, though only on the surface. No one was stalking Lola, no one was moving crap around in Del’s house, no one was taking pictures of Lola everywhere she went. Even Marco was stalker free, at least for time being. Creepy Ray Stowe had faded into anonymity again, so Del was able to put that worry aside for the moment. Would he show up at some point? Del had a feeling Stowe was like any other bad guy. As long as he was breathing, he was a potential threat. But he did seem easily scared off and easily bored. All Del could do for the moment was wait to see if and when that particular bad penny might turn up again.
If he hadn’t happened to go to—or maybe planned to accidentally show up at—the same gallery as Lola and Marco, would Del have even known about Sterling? Or would the lunatic have been able to take Lola and kill her? Del tried not to think too hard about that. How many more women would Sterling have murdered if Lola hadn’t stopped her? A dozen? More?
It was still impossible for her to believe Janet had actually done all the things she was supposed to have done: conspired with a serial killer, kidnapped Del and drugged her, deliberately brought Lola to the murderer’s attention in hopes of getting rid of her. The Janet Del remembered falling in love with was smart, funny, vulnerable and kind. She was also, Del reminded herself, fully capable of justifying lies, manipulation and game playing whenever they served her best interests. Maybe she was as good at lying to herself as she was at lying to other people. Wasn’t that the secret to being a good liar? You had to be able to convince yourself of the lie before you could convince anyone else.
Del couldn’t reconcile her Janet with the woman who’d set up Lola to be killed. Or with the pale, gaunt scarecrow she’d watched sit passively in the courtroom, a silent specter who’d simply pleaded guilty and waited for sentencing. Del had almost felt sorry for Janet’s overpriced lawyer, whose hands had clearly been tied by his uncooperative client. It had been strange, a little side note of weirdness, feeling bad for a defense lawyer.
Sterling’s overpriced attorney had tried an insanity defense, of course, but the prosecutor was good and the public appalled. There was nothing like a female criminal, Phan observed one day, to stir up the community’s outrage. Sterling’s sugar-daddy husband had died of heart failure the night of her arraignment, and his children spent some of their father’s considerable estate providing the press with salacious and unflattering details about the woman who’d managed to enthrall their doddering old dad and cut them out of his life. She’d been convicted not only of the nine kidnappings and murders but also of the attempted murder of a police officer, arson, and attempted murder.
Sterling sure had been a busy girl, and her lawyer had been busy, too. Del still couldn’t believe Janet was going to Chowchilla while the murderer was going to Corona. While she was glad they wouldn’t be at the same prison, it hardly seemed fair to Del that Janet had to deal with the overcrowded, gang-infested mess of the larger facility while Sterling got special treatment down south. But wasn’t that always how it was? If you had a good lawyer, you got a better deal. Justice wasn’t so much blind as turning a blind eye. At least Sterling would never get parole.
Del sat at the kitchen table reading an article about the treatment of female offenders on the new tablet Lola had given her for Christmas. When Lola unexpectedly rested her hands on her shoulders and kissed the top of her head, she tried not to react.
“Are you back?”
Lola settled onto Del’s lap. “Getting back. I had to dive into Sterling’s head, you know? It was a bad place.”
“How did you know what to do?”
Lola shrugged. “She and I clicked. I don’t know how to explain it. When I met her at that restaurant that day, it was like meeting someone I used to know. Like I recognized her. She was nuts, but she wasn’t evil, Del. I feel like she and I and Janet, we had something in common.”
Del stared. “You’re nothing like either of them. I don’t get what you’re saying.”
Lola shrugged and nestled her head against Del’s collarbone, and Del let the subject rest for a moment. Should she press it?
“So…What about her? What did you recognize about Sterling and you and Janet?”
Lola sat up and waggled her head. “I don’t know how to say it. I had this whole thing about paper dolls I was thinking of. I don’t know.”
“Paper dolls?” Del held back judgment. Sometimes Lola got to the right place in a pretty roundabout way.
“When they get wet, they’re ruined. You know? Structurally, they’re never the same. Like a car with a salvage title. Moth-eaten fabric. Spoiled food.” Lola made a face. “Sterling talked about being abused. She—you know this from the trial, Del—she picked women who were ‘spoiled’ like that, ’cause she figured they could never be happy.”
Del frowned. “You think that’s true? You think you can never be happy? That anyone who’s been abused or a victim of violence is ruined forever? Don’t tell me you believe you’re ‘damaged goods’ or some garbage like that.”
Lola was silent a moment. “Not exactly. I think maybe some people are more resilient than others. Genetically or because they have a good support system or whatever. But even if you’re not that good at recovering, I think you still can. It just takes a lot of courage and a lot of hard work. And maybe that hard work never ends. Maybe your whole life, you have to keep working hard to move past the bad stuff. And it’s never easy. It doesn’t seem to get easier.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Don’t you? You got shot, Del. You got kidnapped. I think you will be dealing with the aftermath of those things for a while. And I get the idea your childhood wasn’t exactly Disneyland and lollipops. So there may be some garbage from back then too. Maybe we’re both a little banged up, maybe we could work on getting over things together. We could help each other. I want to do that. I want to help you and for you to help me. Can’t we do that? Doesn’t that seem like it’s worth looking at?”
Del shook her head. “I have two choices here: either I sit in the corner rocking and sucking my thumb, or I get my shit together and do my job. You caught a serial killer, Lola, one I couldn’t. But the one thing I can do is deal with my garbage like a grown-up. And I intend to do that.”
“But isn’t the grown-up thing to face things directly?”
“I don’t need hours of navel gazing to face what happened. Things got a little fucked up, fine. Now they’re better. Done.”
“Maybe you are different from me. Maybe it really does all roll off your back like nothing. But I don’t think so. I think people find weird ways of dealing with stuff they’re not even aware of.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Del couldn’t keep the sharpness out of her tone.
Lola stood and walked toward the window, facing out for a full minute before turning to face Del. “Have you considered the possibility that you didn’t take care of your shoulder after getting shot because you wanted to punish yourself for cheating?”
Del gaped. “What?” She shook her head. “That’s nuts, Lola. No way. What kind of neurotic mess do you think I am?”
Lola shrugged. “Okay, maybe I’m wrong.”
“You are.”
“Okay.”
Del realized she was glaring only when Lola broke eye contact and hugged herself. Del pushed her hair off her forehead.
Nice job, asshole. Bully the woman, why don’t you? You were supposed to protect Lola, and all you managed to do was let Janet come and ruin our relationship, let her get almost killed by a lunatic, and then act like she was supposed to be over the whole thing in five minutes. Nice.
She gestured Lola to her and pulled her back into her lap. There was a long silence, and Del savored Lola’s safe, comforting presence.
“Maybe you should go see her. The prison’s only a few hours away.” Lola’s voice was muffled by Del’s pullover.
“Janet? Hell, no. That bitch can rot in hell for all I care.”
; “But—”
“End of discussion, Lola. I mean it.”
Lola dropped it, of course, but having heard the idea Del couldn’t seem to put it away. She tried to picture sitting across the table from Janet. Tried to picture Janet locked up in a prison for the rest of her life. Her fingernails would be ragged, her hair a mess. Was she safe? She was tiny and vulnerable and beautiful, a rough combination in prison. Del shut her eyes tight to block out the images of Janet as a victim, but they returned to her over and over.
“Maybe I will,” she announced one morning, breakfasting at Lola’s table.
“See Janet?” Lola responded as though the conversation had taken place over the course of a few minutes instead of a few weeks, and Del smiled. Maybe Lola wasn’t as out to lunch as she seemed.
“What would you think of that?”
Lola smiled. “You’ll never know until you do it.”
“What if it’s worse than I imagine?”
“What if it’s not?”
“My shoulder’s gotten a lot better,” Del mused. “I could take the bike. Unless you want to come with me. Then we should take the truck.”
“Go by yourself but take the truck, it’s more comfortable,” Lola urged. “Make it a little vacation. Chowchilla’s not far from Fresno, right? You could go see if your folks are still there.”
Del made a face. “What made you think of that? Why would I want to go see them? That’s nuts. If I wanted to know where they were—if they’re even alive—I could use the computer.”
“I know.” Lola’s smile was gentle, and it melted Del’s bristling.
“I guess I could overnight it. Stay in Fresno after going to the prison. Swing by in the morning, see what’s what. Odds are the whole place is an apartment complex or shopping mall or something by now.”
“Maybe.”
“But maybe I’ll just see with my own eyes.” Del mused, thinking back to Mrs. Wendell’s house and the chaste tree and the lawns she had mowed around that neighborhood. She remembered the little stray animals and kids she was always picking up and trying to take care of. “We lived in an apartment for a while before the trailer. That might still be there.”
“Who knows?”
“Yeah.” Del nodded. “Maybe I’ll do that. Sure you don’t want to come with?”
It was Lola’s turn to nod. “This is your trip to take, Del. And I’ll be here when you get back.”
Her tone was final, and Del was surprised to find herself nodding. She’d worried for months about walking all over Lola, who seemed so pliable much of the time. But she had managed to outthink all of them: Janet, Del and Sterling. And there was no way Del would be able to talk Lola into going with her to see Janet. She’d managed to get Del to agree to go see Janet in the first place, a thing Del wouldn’t have considered on her own. Maybe Lola was a lot less prey than predator. Del shook off the thought. Lola was finding a little spine, that was all. No biggie.
“What’ll you do while I’m gone?” Del asked, and Lola shrugged her shoulders. She seemed to be less wary than before, and Del had to wonder whether that was a matter of Lola’s having gained some self-confidence or a matter of her not caring as much about Del.
“Nothing exciting. Write, you know, laundry, paint the laundry room.”
“Why do I have the feeling something’s going on with you?”
Lola shook her head. “Because you’re freaked about being kidnapped, about Sterling, about seeing Janet. Who wouldn’t be? You still expect me to be mad and jealous and all that. But I’m not. I love you. I get that you loved Janet, and you still do. That’s okay. I don’t blame you for it. You need closure with her, Del. And I promise, I will be here when you get back.”
Before she knew it, Del was sitting in her truck, waving at Lola through the rearview. She’d caught up on paperwork, explained her trip to Phan, had her awkward little thank-you-for-closure-I’m-sorry-for-your-loss meeting with Mrs. Wilson, gotten approval to use some accrued vacation time and packed her single duffel bag. Somehow, the weeks between Lola’s suggestion and the actual trip seemed to take only seconds. Del wasn’t even sure she wanted to go anymore, but she no longer felt she had a choice. Lola wanted her to go and she was going. What was that about? What did Lola want her to do? Was this a test? Had Del already failed it by agreeing to go?
Del decided to let it go. She should go see Janet. They never really dealt with anything, did they? And whether Lola really wanted her to go or not, she’d suggested it. So, okay. The more important question was, what did Del want out of the trip? She thought about all the time she’d spent with Janet and all the time she’d spent thinking about Janet. The latter outweighed the former by a lot. What did that mean? What would happen when she saw Janet in prison? Was Janet expecting her? What would Janet read into Del’s coming to see her? How much of going to see her was about their relationship as a whole and how much was about being kidnapped by Janet?
Do I still love her?
“I guess I’ll know when I see her.”
The other part of the trip, the part about maybe going to see her parents, or where they used to live, or maybe going to some cemetery or whatever, that part was a little too big to think about. As was the Lola question. Where were they headed? And were they headed there together? When Del came back, would she see in Lola’s eyes the dismissal she half expected? Was she still in love with Del? Would she really still be waiting when Del got back?
Del found a country station on the radio and cranked up some Dwight Yoakam to drown out her thoughts. That worked for a good while. Dwight had some help from Reba, Willie, the Hanks and the Judds. Dolly did her best, and so did Lyle and Roy. But distraction can only do so much, and after a while Del had to work to stay focused on the music. A single question shadowed Del’s heartbeat and whatever song was playing on the radio on the long, lonely trip down the interstate.
Will she?
Bella Books, Inc.
Women. Books. Even Better Together.
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Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Other Books by Jenna Rae
Acknowledgments
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-Two
Bella Books
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