Mara settled in the swing and dragged a hand across her forehead. For the first time, Emily noticed that her normally peachy skin was blanched.
“Are you feeling peaked?” Emily studied her friend, noticing a bead of sweat roll down her temple even though the summer day was mild. “You seem tired.”
Mara sent her a private smile, then her gaze swung to Beth who was showing Adam how to balance his marbles on the fence post. “I’m fine really. In fact, I—” Her face reddened. “I am in the family way.” Her smile widened, and her face softened with excitement.
A baby. Mara would be having a baby. Emily’s heart caught with a mixture of joy and envy. “Oh, Mara, that’s wonderful!” she exclaimed, feeling a prickle of guilt for the part of her that cringed.
Mara laid a delicate hand on her flat abdomen. “I just told him last week.” She giggled. “He’s so excited. Beth too.”
Emily took a sip of her tea, wishing for the world she could swipe away the ugly envy she felt. She already had Adam, loved him; why couldn’t that be enough?
“I just can’t get over it sometimes. God has blessed us so much. I feel so undeserving.”
Emily had heard others talk about the change Mara had experienced when she’d asked Christ to lead her life. She had trouble believing the woman beside her used to be as self-serving and uppity as they said.
“I hope the good Lord blesses us with a whole passel of children.” She laughed. “I know, it’s easy for me to say now. I have yet to experience even one.”
“You’ll be a wonderful mother. You already are. Look at Beth. She adores you.”
“She’s a joy, sure enough. I count her as my own.” Her gaze bounced off Emily. “But—I don’t know if I should even say this, it’s probably wrong but. . .”
“What is it?” They hadn’t known one another very long, but already, Emily felt close to Mara.
“Well, as much as I love Beth, I’ve longed for a baby of my own.”
Emily felt her skin prickle with heat. She grabbed Mara’s hand. “Oh, Mara, I’m so relieved to hear someone else voice the same feelings I have.” Her eyes stung with the fervency of her feelings. “I love Adam, I do. But—”
“But there’s something about carrying your own child, about the thought of seeing a part of you in another being.”
“Yes, that’s it exactly. I so long for a child. . . .”
Mara nodded. “After Clay and I got married, it was all I thought of. After waiting so long for a child, I finally told God I would be content with just Beth. I truly thought I couldn’t have a baby.” Her blue eyes brightened, and Emily thought they must rival the clear sky at the moment. “But look at me now. It’ll happen for you too, Emily, I just know it.”
Emily felt her jaw go slack then snap back in place. It couldn’t possibly happen for her. Cade had seen to that. Her heart squeezed tight as if gripped by a vise.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Suddenly, the deep longing and disappointment welled up within her until she felt she would explode if she didn’t give the feelings release. She tried to push back the feelings, and a knot formed in her throat.
Mara’s hand settled on her arm. “What is it, Emily?”
Her throat worked, trying dislodge the lump, but it was going nowhere. And neither were these stubborn longings of hers. “I—” She tested Mara’s expression with a glance then plunged ahead. “Cade and I won’t be having children. We–we’re husband and wife in name only.” Her flesh grew warm at the confession. She remembered their wedding night and the way he’d rejected her.
“Oh, Emily, I didn’t know.”
She gave a dry laugh. “Neither did I.” Next thing she knew, she was spilling the whole story starting with Cade’s proposal on the stage and ending with his continued distance from her. Part of her wanted to tell Mara about the gold and her uncle’s threat on her grandmother, but she was too ashamed. Besides, it was hard enough just sharing her humiliation about Cade.
“Do you have feelings for him?” Mara asked.
Emily fidgeted with her skirts, wondering if she could admit the fullness of her feelings for her husband. One glance at Mara’s face convinced her she could. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”
Mara squeezed her arm. “That’s wonderful.”
“No it’s not.” Her throat constricted. “He doesn’t return my feelings, and I’m so weary of hiding mine from him.”
“How do you know he doesn’t feel the same?”
“He–he’s distant with me, as if he doesn’t want there to be anything between us. It’s like he holds a shield in front of himself every time he’s near me. I think he’s still in love with Ingrid.”
Mara looked away, her gaze moving off to some distant place.
“Did you know her? Ingrid?”
Mara nodded. “I got to know her a bit while she was carrying Adam. Just before she passed on. He did love her, Emily, but it’s been five years now. That’s a long time to be without love, especially when he’s had a son to raise alone.”
Her heart twisted as she thought of Cade loving Ingrid. She longed for him to feel that way about her. “Well, he’s not raising Adam alone anymore.” She watched the boy shoot a marble through the dirt. Beth squealed and patted him on the shoulder.
“That’s not right,” Mara said. “You’re taking care of Adam and the house for Cade, yet you’ve sacrificed your heart’s desire.”
Emily was starting to wonder exactly what her biggest heart’s desire was: a child of her own or her husband’s love. She wondered if she’d ever have either.
❧
Emily wiped her face with the back of her hand and knew she’d only smudged the dirt that coated her skin. She sat back on her haunches.
The lantern light flickered against the cave walls, casting eerie shadows on the dirt floor. Behind her, Adam dug for his own treasure in the dirt. She looked at the hole she’d spent the last hour digging and felt a surge of hopelessness. It was as empty as the last dozen holes she’d dug in this endless cavern of tunnels and halls. Who would have guessed that the little opening in the cliff wall would have so many corridors and rooms? Her back ached from stooping under low ceilings, her arms ached from digging in the packed earth.
She rubbed her neck and decided to call it a day. They would both need to get cleaned up, and she needed to get supper on before Cade got home.
After helping Adam find the remainder of his marbles, she grabbed the lantern from the stone ledge and began walking. Behind her, Adam’s marbles clattered together in his pockets.
“I’m thirsty, Ma.”
Even through her weariness, she smiled at the word. “Here, Sweetie.” She handed him the canteen and waited while he drank. The coolness of the cave felt good against her warm flesh.
They continued until they came to a fork. She turned right. When they came to the next fork, she turned left.
“What’s for supper? I’m starved.”
She thought about the contents of their pantry. “How about beans and ham?”
As they wound through the cavern, they talked about all Adam’s favorite meals. Emily was laughing at his description of zucchini when her gaze fell on the wall up ahead. Her heart stopped. She held the lantern up as the wall came into the fringe of light. A dead end.
Her heart jumped back to life even as her mouth dried up.
Adam bumped into her then wrapped an arm around her leg. “Why we stopping?”
Why was there a wall here? There was supposed to be another fork that would take them to the cave’s entrance. She turned around and looked back where they’d come from. She must’ve taken a wrong turn.
“Let’s go back this way.”
When they reached the last fork, she turned left, hoping it would set them back on track. But at the end of that corridor, there
were three tunnels branching off in the darkness.
I think we’re lost, Lord.
“Which way, Ma?”
Which way? Which way? What if she couldn’t find the way? What if they wandered around this cavern until their lamp flickered out for good?
Oh, help me, dear God.
Nine
“Emily?” Cade wandered into the kitchen and dried his hands on a towel hanging from a hook. “Adam?” He glanced out the window toward the garden where bright green plants sprung up from the soil. Except for the leaves quivering in the wind, there was no movement there.
Where could they be? Normally, Adam barreled over to him before he got his horse put up for the night. Today, he was nowhere to be seen. Cade opened the oven door. Cold, gray ashes lay in a heap. She didn’t even have a fire on for supper. He closed the oven door and walked to the foot of the stairs, scratching his stubbly chin.
“Emily? Adam?” His words echoed off the walls, then silence.
Hmm. Where could they be? He paced across the room, hunger clawing at his stomach. She always had supper on when he got home—usually had it on the table. Except the one time when he’d found her in the attic.
His stomach did a hard flop at the thought, and he told himself it was hunger. Maybe she’s in the attic again. He trotted up the stairs and to the attic door, but it was closed. When he opened it, the pitch-black emptiness greeted him.
Where could they be? Had they run into town for something? He tried to remember if the wagon had been in its place when he’d put away Sutter. His mind had been elsewhere, and he couldn’t be sure.
He went out to look. When he opened the barn door, the wagon sat off to his left in its usual spot. Sutter stirred in the hay, and Cade went to rub his nose. “Now where’d they take off to, boy, huh?”
Sutter nudged his nose up in the air and neighed.
That’s when Cade noticed. Bitsy’s stall was empty. “Now, how’d I miss that?” He walked over to the empty stall as if it would give him some clue where Emily went. “Huh.”
He heaved a sigh and went back into the house. After waiting awhile, he gave in to his hunger and slathered a piece of bread with marmalade. Had she gone to the mercantile for something? Or over to Mara’s?
He chawed on the bread, his mind beginning to wander off to places he didn’t want it to go. What if they’d fallen from Bitsy, and Emily or Adam was injured? What if Emily were hurt, and they were too far from home for Adam to get help? What if Adam were trying to find his way and had gotten lost?
Stop it, Manning. They’d probably just lost track of time, that’s all. Like she had that day in the attic. He scooted back his chair and brushed the crumbs from his lap. They were fine. It wasn’t that late.
An hour later, he walked out to the porch, peering out into the growing darkness. He could still make out the silhouette of trees and hills, but soon the night would cover the land like a heavy shroud. If Emily or Adam were lost, they would never find their way in the dark.
His feet beat a path to the barn. He had to do something. Enough of this sitting around and waiting. He couldn’t take it any longer. Once inside the barn, he grabbed the tack and headed to Sutter’s stall. The horse blinked lazy eyes his way.
Where would he go once he got saddled up? To Mara and Clay’s house? She couldn’t be there. If she’d lost track of time, it surely would have dawned on her when Clay arrived home for supper. The mercantile was closed, so she couldn’t be there.
Where is she, Lord? Keep them safe. The thought of Adam hurt or worse twisted his gut. Fear sucked the moisture from his throat, and his heart quivered in his chest. Calm down, it’s going to be all right.
But memories of another night assaulted him. Another night when he’d thought everything was going to be all right. And that night had ended with a dead wife.
Blinded by worry, Cade opened the stall door and tossed the saddle blanket over Sutter’s back. As he smoothed the blanket flat and saddled her up, his mind played cruel tricks. What if he found them dead somewhere? Ingrid’s still form flashed in his mind, and his limbs grew cold. He couldn’t lose Adam, he couldn’t.
And Emily. The thought of something happening to her made his heart hurt. He didn’t know where he would look, but something had happened or Emily would have brought them home. He would search all night if he had to. Maybe he should go to Clay and Mara’s house first and get some help.
He heard the noise just as he pulled Sutter from the stall. He stopped, going still to listen. Hoofbeats. His heart gave a jump of hope. He left Sutter and trotted to the barn door.
Darkness had swallowed the yard, and the only light came from the lantern he’d lit in the barn. His gaze detected a shadowed movement, and he focused on that spot until the object moved into the circle of light.
His breath left his body in a sudden gush. Bitsy sauntered toward him, Emily and Adam perched on her back. He searched their bodies for any sign of injury, but found no evidence. Even in the dim light, he could see they were both coated with filth.
When Emily noticed him, her eyes widened, then her chin tipped down.
“Pa!” Adam’s weary shoulders straightened, and he held out his arms for Cade.
When Bitsy stopped, Cade pulled his son into his arms, holding him tighter than necessary. Thank You, Jesus. “Are you all right? Are you hurt?”
“Nuh-uh. We got lost in the cave, and it was dark!”
Cade’s gaze found Emily, but her gaze was averted. “A cave?”
“We were looking for treasure!” Adam said.
Emily’s gaze darted to his this time, and he studied her face.
Adam dug into his pocket and pulled out some marbles. “And I found ’em all again, didn’t I, Ma?”
As the relief drained away, something rose up in its place. Something deep and unsettling. She’d taken his boy on some foolhardy treasure hunt and gotten them lost so he could fret for hours? So he could sit around and worry that they were hurt or—or dead? It was dark and late, and who knows what could have happened to them, traipsing around the countryside all alone?
Heat coursed through his veins, penetrating his limbs. He narrowed his gaze on Emily. “You’d best get inside and get yourself cleaned up.” His voice grated across his throat. What he’d like to do is put her over his lap and give her a sound whipping.
She clambered down from the horse and pulled Adam from his arms. When Cade set him on the ground, she whisked him off for a bath.
By the time a simple supper was on the table, Cade was too angry to eat. Did she have any idea the fright she’d given him? He glanced at her over his glass of lemonade. She’d hardly spoken two words all through the meal. But then she didn’t need to with Adam here. The more details the boy gave about their little outing, the more he wanted to give Emily what for.
She met his gaze then, and he gave her a look that promised a heated discussion later.
❧
Emily eyed Cade across from her, the ache in her stomach spreading outward and filling her with dread. Her relief at finding their way out of the cave had only lasted as long as it had taken to arrive home. Once she’d seen the worry and anger on Cade’s face, she’d known she was in for a dressing-down.
“Get on upstairs and get ready for bed,” Cade told his son.
Obediently, Adam wiped his mouth then trotted up the stairs.
Cade’s chair scraped loudly across the plank floor, and Emily jumped.
Without a word, he left the table, and Emily began gathering up the dirty dishes.
She drew in a deep breath, exhaling loudly. She was plumb tuckered from the long day. Putting in chores, then searching for the gold, then getting lost. . . She smothered a yawn. Just before the lantern had flickered out, she’d seen the cave opening with the moonlight streaming in. If the light had gone out earlier, she and Adam might still be lost in the
belly of the cave. She shuddered at the thought. After tonight, the thought of going back into the dank cave was more than she could bear. She could still smell the stale moisture of the rock walls, still feel them closing in on her.
The floor creaked above her head, and her stomach twisted. Cade was waiting until he had her alone to confront her. He hadn’t had to tell her that; it was plain in the look he’d given her.
She dried off the last plate, hung the towel to dry, and dumped the dirty water.
She passed Cade on the stairs as she went up to bid Adam good night. He avoided her gaze, and her heart sunk. She was dreading the confrontation. She was guilty, after all, of causing him worry. And what if he’d become suspicious? What else had Adam told him about their adventure today? Would Cade believe she’d taken Adam there solely as a diversion for him?
In Adam’s room, she sat on the edge of his bed and told him a story she made up as she went along. The story grew so long, she realized she was stalling. Finally, she tacked on an appropriate ending and smiled as Adam clapped with glee.
After kissing the boy on the cheek and ruffling his dark hair, Emily blew out the flame in the lantern and pulled his door shut.
She turned and faced the stairs with equal measures of dread and resolve. Might as well get this over with.
He was waiting for her by the hearth when she entered the room. He turned, his face a mask of anger, his hand grasping the rough-hewn mantel.
He wasted no time with trivialities. “Do you have any notion of the worry you caused me tonight?”
She opened her mouth, but he wasn’t finished.
“At first I thought you’d just lost track of time. But when it started getting dark and you still weren’t back, that’s when I really fretted.”
He crossed his arms over his broad chest.
Her legs quaked under her and she sank onto the couch, hating the way he now towered over her.
“What do you think you were doing in that cave? What if you hadn’t found your way out? What if it had collapsed on you—those things happen, you know. Or maybe you don’t know. Maybe you just went on your frivolous adventure all willy-nilly, never mind the chores that were waiting or the dangers of the cave, you took my son, my son, and risked his life.”
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