CHAPTER II.
I flatter myself that my head is not remarkable for size and beautyalone. I am a cat of mind, and I made it up at once as to the course ofconduct to pursue.
I am also a cat with some powers of observation, and I have observedthat two things go a long way with men--flattery and persistence. Alsothat the difficulty of coaxing them is not in direct proportion to theirsize--rather the reverse. Another thing that I have observed is, thatif you want to be well-treated, or have a favour to ask, it is a greatthing to have a good coat on your back in good order.
How many a human being has sleeked the rich softness of my magnificenttiger skin, and then said, in perfect good faith, "How Toots enjoysbeing stroked!"
"How you enjoy the feel of my fur, you mean," I am tempted to say. But Ido not say it. It doesn't do to disturb the self-complacency of peoplewho have the control of the milk-jug.
Having made up my mind to coax the gentleman into adopting me, I devotedmyself entirely to him for the evening, and ignored the rest of theparty, as serenely as a cat knows how. Again and again did he put medown with firm, but not ungentle hands, saying--"Go down, Toots," andpick stray hairs in a fidgety manner off his dress-trousers; and againand again did I return to his shoulder (where he couldn't see the hairs)and purr in his ear, and rub my long whiskers against his short ones.
But it was not till he was comfortably established in an arm-chair bythe drawing-room fire, round which the rest of the family were alsoseated, that the charm began to work.
"How devoted Toots is to you!" purred the ladies, after an ineffectualeffort on my part to share the arm-chair.
"You're a very foolish Toots," said the gentleman. (I was back on hisshoulder by this time.)
"Toots, you've deserted me," said my young mistress. "I'm quitejealous," she added.
"Toots, you brute!" cried the gentleman, seizing me in both hands."Where's your good taste, and your gratitude? Go to your mistress, sir,"and he threw me into her lap. But I sprang back to his shoulder with oneleap.
"It's really most extraordinary," said one lady.
"And Toots never goes to strangers as a rule," added my mistress.
Everybody is proud of being _exceptionally_ favoured. It was this laststroke, I am convinced, that rubbed him the right way. A gratifiedblandness pervaded his countenance. He made no further attempts todislodge me, and I settled myself into the angles of his shoulder andaffected to go to sleep.
"What are you going to do with him?" he asked, crossing one long legover the other with a convulsive abruptness very trying to my balance,and to the strength of the arm-chair.
Both the ladies began to mew. They were _so_ sorry to leave me behind,but it was _quite_ impossible to take me. They couldn't bear to think ofmy being unhappy, and didn't know where in the world to find me a home.
"I wish _you_ would take him!" said my mistress.
I listened breathlessly for the gentleman's reply.
"Pets are not in the least in my line," he said. "I am a bachelor, youknow, of very tidy habits. I dislike trouble, and have a rootedobjection to encumbrances."
"We hear you have a pet mouse, though," said my mistress. He laughedawkwardly.
"My dear young lady, I never said that my practice always squared withmy principles. Helpless and troublesome creatures have sometimes aninsinuating way with them, which forms an additional reason for avoidingthem, especially if one is weak-minded. And----"
"And you _have_ a pet mouse?"
He sat suddenly upright with another jerk, which nearly shot me into thefire-place, and said,
"I'll tell you about it, for upon my word I wish you could see thelittle beggar. It was one afternoon when I came in from riding, that Ifound a mouse sitting on the fender. I could only see his back, with thetail twitching, and I noticed that a piece had been bitten out of hisleft ear. The little wretch must have heard me quite well, but he sat onas if the place belonged to him.
"'You're pretty cool!' I said; and being rather the reverse myself, Ithrew the Queen's Regulations at him, and he disappeared. But itbothered me, for I hate mice in one's quarters. You never know whatmischief they mayn't be doing. You put valuable papers carefully away,and the next time you go to the cupboard, they are reduced to shreds.The little brutes take the lining of your slippers to line their nests.They keep you awake at night--in short, they're detestable. But I am notfond of killing things myself, though I've a sort of a conscience aboutknowing how it's done. I don't like leaving necessary executions toservants. As to mice, you know--poisoning is out of the question, onsanitary grounds. 'Catch-'em-alive' traps are like a policeman whocatches a pickpocket--all the trouble of the prosecution is to come; andas to the traps with springs and spikes--my man set one in my bedroomonce, and in the middle of the night the mouse was caught. For nearly anhour I doubt if I was much the happier of the two. Every moment Ithought the poor wretch would stop screaming, for I had ordered the trapin the belief that death was instantaneous. At last I jumped up, and putthe whole concern into my tub and held it under water. The poor beastwas dead in six seconds. A catch-'em-alive trap and a tub of water isthe most merciful death, I fancy; but I am rather in favour of lettingone animal kill another. It seems more natural, and _fairer_. They havea run for their lives, so to speak."
"And who did you get to kill your mouse?"
"Well, I know a youngster who has a terrier. They are a perfect pair. Aslike as two peas, and equally keen about sport--they would go twentymiles to chase a bluebottle round an attic, sooner than not huntsomething. So I told him there was a mouse _de trop_ in my rooms, and hepromised to bring Nipper next morning. I was going out hunting myself.
"The meet was early, and my man got breakfast at seven o'clock for me inmy own quarters; and the first thing I saw when I came out of my bedroomwas the mouse sitting on the edge of my Indian silver sugar-basin. Iknew him again by his ear. And there he sat all breakfast-time,twitching his tail, and nibbling little bits of sugar, and watching mewith such a pair of eyes! Have you ever seen a mouse's eyes close? Uponmy word, they are wonderfully beautiful, and it's uncommonly difficultto hurt a creature with fine eyes. I didn't touch it, and as I was goingout I looked back, and _the mouse was looking after me_. I was a foolfor looking back, for I can't stand a pitiful expression in man orbeast, and it put an end to Nipper's sport, and left me with a mouse inmy quarters--a thing I hate. I didn't like to say I'd changed my mindabout killing the mouse, but I wrote to Nipper's master, and said Iwouldn't trouble him to come up for such a trifling matter."
"So the mouse was safe?"
"Well, _I_ thought so. But the young fellow (who is very good-natured)wrote back to say it was no trouble whatever, and the letter lay on mymantel-piece till I came home and found that he and Nipper had broken achair-leg, and two china plates."
"_Did_ they kill the mouse?"
"Well, no. But I nearly killed Nipper in saving him; and the littlerascal has lived with me ever since."
The ladies seemed highly delighted with this anecdote, but, for my ownpart, I felt feverish to the tips of my claws, as I thought of themiserable creature who had usurped the place I wished to fill, and whomight be the means of my having to fall back after all on the DesertedCats' Fund. What bungling puss had had him under her paws, and allowedhim to escape with a torn ear and the wariness of experience? Let me butonce catch sight of that twitching tail!----
At this moment the gentleman got up, stretched his long----
But I will _not_ allude to them! It annoys me as much as the thought ofthat bungling cat, or of Nipper's baulked attempt. He put up his handsand lifted me from his shoulder, and my heart sank as he said, "If I amto catch my train, I fear I must say good-bye."
I believe that, in this hopeless crisis, my fur as usual was in myfavour. He rubbed his cheek against mine before putting me down, andthen said, "And you've not told me, after all, where poor Toots isreally going."
"We have not found a home for him yet, I assure you," said my mistress."Our
washerwoman wants him, and she is a most kind-hearted andrespectable person, but she has got nine children, and----"
"Nine children!" ejaculated my friend, "My poor Toots, there will not bean inch of that magnificent tail of yours left at the end of a week.What cruelty to animals! Upon my word, I'd almost rather take Tootsmyself, than think of him with a washerwoman and nine children. Eh,Toots! would you like to come?"
I was on the carpet, rubbing against his--yes, long or short, they were_his_, and he was kind to me!--rubbing, I say, against his legs. I couldget no impetus for a spring, but I scrambled straight up him as onewould scramble up a tree (my grandmother was a bird-catcher of the firsttalent, and I inherit her claws), and uttered one pitiful mew.
The gentleman gave a short laugh, and took me into his arms.
"Oh, _how_ good of you! Jones shall get a hamper," cried the ladies. Buthe shook his head.
"Three of the fourteen parcels I've got to pick up at the station arehampers. I wouldn't have another on my mind for a fortune. If Tootscomes at all, he must come like a Christian and look after himself."
I will not dwell on our departure. It was a sadly flurried one, for acat of my temperament. The ladies saw us off, and as my young mistresscovered me with farewell kisses, I felt an unquestionable pang ofregret. But one has to repress one's affections, and consider one'sprospects in life, if one does not want to come upon the Deserted Cats'Fund!
My master put his hat on the back of his head on the steps, and knockedit off in shouting through a hole in the roof of the cab that we were todrive like the wind, as we were late. At the last moment several thingswere thrown in after us. A parcel of books he had lent the young lady,and a pair of boots he had left behind on some former occasion. Thebooks were very neatly packed, and addressed, but the boots came "likeChristians, and looked after themselves." And through all, I clung fast,and blessed the inherited vigour of my grandmother's claws.
At the parcels office, I certainly risked nine lives among the fourteenparcels which were dragged and pitched, and turned over in everydirection; but though he paid me no other attention, my master neverforgot to put back a hand to help me when we moved on. Eventually wefound ourselves alone in a very comfortable carriage, and I suppose thefourteen packages were safe too, thanks to the desperate struggles offive porters, who went off clutching their paws as if they weresatisfied with the result.
After incommoding me for some time by rustling newspapers, and makingspasmodic struggles to find a posture that suited him, my master foundone at last and fell asleep, and I crept up to the velvet collar of hisgreat-coat and followed his example.
Brothers of Pity and Other Tales of Beasts and Men Page 12