by Harper Bliss
But, yes, she would turn forty-five soon. Juliette was not blind to that issue, and it was an issue. For all she knew, her eggs might have all shriveled up and died already, and menopause might be lurking around the corner. It would have been helpful to be able to consult her mother about this, to find out when she’d become menopausal, or whether she ever had any gynecological issues, but that was out of the question. Having to spend a Sunday afternoon with her father and brother for the sake of her nieces was already bad enough. But now that Iris had turned sixteen, Juliette might be able to convince François to let her and her sister visit their aunt in Paris on their own. It was only a one hour train ride away, and which teenage girl didn’t want to spend a weekend with her cool aunt in Paris?
“Juliette? Nadia?” Dr. Dupuis emerged from her office. It was their turn. It was already a miracle that they were actually here. Juliette was well aware of this. But Nadia had, once again, stepped up for her.
They shuffled into the doctor’s office and sat down. Juliette rubbed her sweaty palms dry on her skirt. She was ready.
“Good to see you both,” Dr. Dupuis said, and Juliette wanted at the same time for the niceties to be out of the way already and for them to last forever. Because as long as she didn’t know, she still had a chance. “I won’t ask what I can help you with because I already know. I imagine you have a bunch of questions for me so, shoot.”
Shoot? Why had Juliette not made a list? Because all the questions that plagued her day and night and were impossible to get out of her head, of course, now escaped her. What was wrong with her? She had to pull herself together and get over this strange case of stage fright that was paralyzing her. She took a deep breath, looked at Nadia for support, and said, “I want a baby.”
Dr. Dupuis nodded thoughtfully. In her profession she must balance between joy and grief so often.
“I know I’m near the age limit of it being possible,” Juliette continued. “But I want to try.”
“Right.” The doctor studied Juliette’s file. Juliette imagined her locking her eyes on her age and having to keep from shaking her head. She looked back up, and said, “You’re a brave woman, Juliette.” She looked over at Nadia. “You both are.” She cleared her throat. “I’m sure you’re well aware of the risks involved. We’ll definitely need to run some tests before we do anything else. But you do have to know that this is not a walk in the park for any woman. Artificial insemination is always hard. It’s very rare for it to take on the first try. You have to be prepared for disappointments along the road. You will also need to complete a series of psychological examinations. To say it bluntly, you can’t just snap your fingers and expect to be pregnant. It doesn’t work that way.”
“We know.” Juliette wanted to take Nadia’s hand in hers for support, but she didn’t even really know how Nadia felt about all of this.
“Moreover, this can be very straining for a relationship.” She held up her hands in defense. “I’m not insinuating anything, but it’s my job to tell you this.” Dr. Dupuis stared at Juliette, and it felt as though she was trying to look straight into her soul. “This whole process requires 100% dedication from both partners. I can’t stress that enough.”
Juliette was beginning to suspect that Nadia had talked to Dr. Dupuis beforehand. How easy would it be for her to drop by her office on any given day and have a quick chat with her? To ask her to throw some discouraging words at Juliette? But Juliette was being paranoid and, most of all, scared. Nadia would never do such a thing.
“We understand,” Juliette said.
“Here’s what needs to happen.” Dr. Dupuis held up her hand and fanned out her fingers. “First, you need to read all the material I’m going to give you. We can draw blood today and already start running some hormonal tests, and I will do a pelvic exam and pap smear while you’re here today. I should have all the necessary results by next week, so that won’t take long. However, this will be a long process, I can’t stress this enough.” It felt as though the ob-gyn was trying to actively discourage them from going through with this. Perhaps she was. Perhaps that was her real job. “That’s the easy bit,” she continued. “Once you’ve been approved for the program, that’s when the real work starts. You’re…” She looked down at the sheet of paper with Juliette’s information on it. “Forty-four now and you’ll be forty-five in two months. This is only the very beginning of your journey and by the time the baby comes, if it does, you might be closer to fifty.”
Did she really have to put it like that? That was not how Juliette had calculated it in her head. Try for a year, be pregnant for nine months. She wouldn’t even be forty-seven yet. Only true pessimists would consider that closer to fifty.
“Have you, er, had many patients in my position?” Juliette refused to say ‘of my age’.
“No, Juliette, I can’t say that I have.” Dr. Dupuis shook her head for extra effect.
If Nadia was behind this let’s-try-to-get-it-out-of-her-head session—and Juliette knew she wasn’t, but still—she surely would have known that the more Nos you give Juliette Barbier, the more determined she becomes. Besides, Dr. Dupuis was most likely not allowed to share information about other patients.
“There’s a first for everything,” Juliette said with confidence. Then she felt Nadia’s hand on her knee.
Dr. Dupuis tilted her head. “There is indeed,” she said. “Shall we get started with the exam?”
“Sure.” The confidence in Juliette’s voice started to waver. She’d rather go to a dentist appointment once a week for a full year than to one ob-gyn exam over the course of the same year. It was all so unpleasant and uncomfortable and undignified. But, if she wanted this, that was really the smallest hurdle to overcome.
She rose to undress in the corner cubicle where she had done the same every year for many years, but never before with this intention. She remembered one of her first visits to an ob-gyn in her early twenties. Times were decidedly different then and she would never forget the look on the doctor’s face after he’d asked her what she used for contraception and she’d replied, “lesbianism.” That same lesbianism was, ironically, coming back to bite her in the ass this very day. Because they couldn’t have a slip up, they couldn’t have an accident, their condom could not tear in the throes of passion. When lesbians wanted a baby, they had to want it a million times harder than most straight couples. Well, Juliette wanted it. She wanted it enough for her and Nadia both.
✶ ✶ ✶
“You want to go for a drink?” Nadia asked after they’d left Dr. Dupuis’s office. Juliette’s handbag was full of brochures on everything she needed to know, but none of it would matter if the results of the exams she’d just had were negative. Yes, she could surely do with a drink.
“You don’t need to get back to work?” It was only 4 p.m., neither one of them would clock off so early on a regular day.
“No, babe, I took the afternoon off,” Nadia said. “I told you.”
It was true. Poor Nadia. She’d most likely felt as though she didn’t have any other option. Juliette pulled her wife close to her. “Let’s go for a romantic gander along the canal,” she said. “Followed by a romantic dinner at Chez Jeanne.”
The past week, Juliette had been forced to take it a bit easier at work. At least she could be strangely grateful to Claire for that. She’d spent fewer hours in the office and more working from home during the day, which, under normal circumstances was usually reserved for evenings and weekends when things got really hectic. It had been a pleasant experience because of the lack of interruptions and the seamless work flow Juliette seemed to find when she was home alone. At Barbier & Cyr, not half an hour went by without someone knocking on her door and asking her about the most trivial things. This was nobody’s fault but her own, of course, because Juliette had wanted to be that kind of boss. She had an open-door policy, and only now could she assess the toll it had taken on her focus.
Steph, who looked so skinny and worn-out these days,
had taken a few of her meetings, and Claire had done the rest. Perhaps they could run Barbier & Cyr together. But nothing could ever be written in stone, of course, because what would happen to Steph if Dominique won? Juliette shrugged off the thought, adamant that there was a solution to every problem, and followed Nadia out of the hospital.
Another reason why she disliked coming here was because the reason for her last visit was still fresh in her mind. Discovering the tiny Korean flag on Margot’s motorcycle. The uncertainty about her medical status. Meeting Marie Dievart. Seeing Claire walk in with her. A shiver crept up Juliette’s spine as the memory flitted through her brain.
And now, when she would finally become a mother, her baby would never know its Auntie Claire. The very thought of it cut straight through Juliette’s heart. Claire, her sister by choice. The only real family she’d had for years. Juliette shook her head and sped up her pace. She wanted to get out of Saint-Vincent before they ran into Dievart.
NADIA
The E.R. had been overrun all week and Nadia hadn’t had a chance to say something apologetic to Margot about last Sunday’s events. She could also use a friend to confide in, so she invited Margot for lunch behind the closed doors of her office—safely hidden from Dievart—on Friday.
Over dinner last night, Juliette had, strangely enough, not gone off on a rambling tangent about how Dr. Dupuis had warned her and, basically, advised her against having a baby. It was as though her wife needed some time to absorb the information she was given, and go over the thick brochures, and only then could comment. Nadia didn’t know if this pleased or worried her.
After Margot had sat down, she uttered a deep sigh. “Good lord, what a week,” she said.
“Are you on call this weekend?” Nadia asked. Margot looked as though she could do with a weekend off. This was only her second week back at work, but the schedule of a trauma surgeon was without mercy.
“I swapped with Andres. I, er, need to be there for Claire this weekend.”
Nadia hadn’t been surprised to run into them together, because Margot had texted her to say she was taking care of Claire, but it was more that it had been strange to see them like that. They could have been an ordinary couple walking down the street.
“How is she?” Nadia hadn’t suddenly stopped caring about Claire. In fact, she felt rather sorry for her because she didn’t wish the wrath of Juliette Barbier on anyone, to be honest—least of all on Juliette’s best friend.
“Falling to pieces.” Margot eyed the bag of sandwiches she’d brought, but made no attempt to grab one. “She’s staying at mine. I don’t think she’s ready for another street encounter like that. And I don’t want her to be alone in the evening. This has really shaken her.” Margot scrunched her lips together for an instant. “How are things on your end?”
“Juliette is upset, of course, but she has other things on her mind.” Nadia leaned over the table, as though this needed to be said with an air of confidentiality. “We had an appointment with Dr. Dupuis yesterday afternoon.”
Margot sunk her teeth into her bottom lip but didn’t say anything. She was always more of a listener than a talker. Nadia took it as a cue to continue.
“This row with Claire was the last thing she needed, but when are things like that ever welcome?” Nadia shrugged. “But it’s as if this whole thing is making her tunnel vision even worse and she’s now focusing all her energy on her desire to have a child.”
“Whereas…” There was a slight tremor in Margot’s voice. “You had hoped the ob-gyn visit would steer her mind in a different direction?”
Nadia exhaled a deep breath. “I know it’s… cruel, but, yes, I’m waiting for this to play out in the only direction it can play out in. She’s too old. But she doesn’t see it that way. It’s difficult because she’s just at the age where there still would be a tiny chance, and of course she’s clinging to that. Either way, she’s on the road to yet another disappointment, and I guess I could have avoided it. I should have been more firm. Should have stood up for my stance more, because…” Nadia was actually afraid to say it out loud, that’s how much effect Juliette’s quest had had on her.
“You don’t want a child,” Margot completed her sentence.
“After we got married and she started talking about children again, I figured I had two options.” Nadia believed their lunch would remain untouched, but God, she needed to unburden herself, needed to share this with a friend. “I could have given her a straightforward no, which is what I tried to do at first, but Juliette… she’s like a child herself at times. If I’d kept saying no, honestly, ring on our finger or not, I’m not sure where it would have ended.”
As she said the words, Nadia knew they were a gross exaggeration. She didn’t actually believe Juliette would have left her if she’d forced her to choose between their marriage and a child. They’d only just gotten married. But it had been so, so hard to not acquiesce a little in the face of Juliette’s pleading looks and that sparkle in her eyes when she spoke of becoming a mother, and the plans she had for her nieces, whom she was adamant to get to know, no matter who she had to let into her life as a consequence. And it was that very fact that had pushed Nadia over the edge, that had pushed her from a fervent No to a possible Maybe. Because after they’d visited Juliette’s father together, Nadia had seen Juliette’s face, and had felt her rage radiate all through the car on the way home—the rage she so easily turned to to hide her infinite sadness. She knew how much that man had hurt her, and how badly Juliette wanted to erase him from her life again.
But, instead, she’d let him in, because of her nieces. Juliette had already made the ultimate sacrifice, so why could Nadia not do the same and give in a little? Just to see where it would take them? Because Nadia was smart enough—and not fooled by eager wishes and ticking clocks—to know it wasn’t going to happen anyway.
“My other option was to take that first step with her. To make the necessary inquiries. And that’s where we are now.” Nadia shook her head. “Neither option was ideal because there’s no easy way out of this.”
Margot studied Nadia for a few seconds, probably pondering what to reply to this. “Yes, but, Nadz,” she said. “What if all her tests are positive and it turns out she can still have a child? Have you considered that… third option?”
“No.” Nadia shook her head vigorously. “That’s not an option. Whether Dr. Dupuis gives us her blessing or not, Juliette is not going to get pregnant. There are too many risk factors. There’s too much at stake. She will see reason in the end.” Only, she hadn’t up until now. An ob-gyn giving her the go-ahead surely wouldn’t change that. But Nadia had an unwavering belief in Dr. Dupuis’s medical advice. There was just no way. Juliette was holding on to a pipe dream. It would be devastating for a while, but the simple fact of the matter was that she had waited too long. She should have taken action ten years ago—should have had some of her eggs frozen. But she was much too busy then to even consider that. They’d only just met. And there wasn’t any room in their relationship back then, not even when they shared their hopes and dreams for the future, for talk of children. Additionally, hadn’t they been happy for a decade already without even the notion of children?
“If you’re sure,” Margot said. She was a doctor. Surely she knew the risks involved.
“I have to be.” And I’ll be there for her, Nadia thought. I’ll be there to pick up the pieces of Juliette’s broken dreams once again. This sparked another thought in Nadia’s head, and a much-needed change of conversation topic. “Juliette’s going to need Claire. And she’s going to need to work. We have to do something, Margot.”
Margot finally reached for a sandwich. “If only we knew what.”
“We can’t count on Juliette’s ability to forgive her,” Nadia said. “That’s simply not going to happen soon enough, if ever.” Sometimes Nadia did wonder if she’d made the right decision when she’d forced Claire to tell Juliette. Had it really been worth their friendship? But wh
at friendship would it have been if she hadn’t told her?
“I think, first of all, Juliette is going to need some time,” Margot said. “But they’ll have to see each other soon. They work together. They can’t keep on avoiding each other. Then they’ll just have to hash it out.”
“Is Claire okay? Is Dievart not giving her too hard a time?” Nadia suddenly remembered how Margot had questioned her about Dievart the previous week. “And how are your plans going?
“I have been a bit distracted, what with being Claire’s shoulder to cry on, but it has only made me more determined to bring her down.” That unfamiliar icy tone crept into Margot’s voice again. “But I do think it’s better not to keep Saint-Vincent’s administrator abreast of the developments of my plan. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
Nadia laughed. “God yes, keep me out of it, please.”
“To answer your other question, Dievart did come knocking on Claire’s door last weekend. I sent her away and derived no satisfaction from that whatsoever.” Margot painted a wicked grin on her face. She really did have it in for the neurosurgeon.
“So, er, you and Claire are friends now?” Nadia asked. There was a time when this simple question would have sparked a massive amount of drama, but everything had escalated so much lately that now, it was almost innocent.
“Yep. The only good thing to come out of this, I guess.” Margot munched her sandwich as if it was as simple as that.
“There’s nothing more going on?” Nadia knew she sometimes had to repeat a question multiple times and with different words to get a real answer from her friend.
“No, that ship has sailed. We’re both damaged goods now.” Margot chuckled. “I mean…” Here it comes, Nadia thought. “If you were to ask me whether I’m still attracted to her, I wouldn’t be able to deny that, but I can ignore that now. Our friendship is much more important to me than having another go at dating Claire. It didn’t work the first time and it didn’t work the second time. Why would it work the third?”