“Ellie—”
“Nonono.” She lifted her head and asked, “Can we forget about this? Chalk it up to hormones?”
The awkwardness sat heavy on my shoulders as I tried to figure out what to do. I knew pregnancy hormones were intense for some women. I remembered when I was six years old and my mom was carrying my youngest sister, Mary, she cried when a man helped her in the grocery store. But Ellie’s overactive emotions came from real fears, and ignoring problems never solved anything, I knew that too well.
“You’re going to be fine, Ellie. It’s your actions that determine strength and security, not your thoughts or feelings. Everyone gets scared.”
She shrugged and tried to smile. It was clear her embarrassment would overshadow everything else. But that was okay—I hadn’t planned to stay long. I just wanted her to know someone was thinking about her.
So many things about this visit were the same as the first. I’d taken the same flight of steps up to her, I’d stared at the same cracked paint and knocked on the same dented door. She’d been nervous and I’d been awkward.
And yet… something felt different.
Maybe it was because I’d given myself permission to befriend her, because I looked at her and saw a world of possibilities. Possibilities I shouldn’t be seeing, let alone considering.
This was Damien’s sister. The sister he asked me to help.
Recovering alcoholic.
Pregnant.
I had zero business being so intrigued by her. But I couldn’t help it. I’d never felt anything like this before. There was this overwhelming feeling that I needed to know more about her, that the pain in her eyes might understand mine. That this random way we came into each other’s lives meant something.
Clearing my throat, I took out my phone and opened up my contact list, selecting the option to add a new one. Without a word, I slid the phone in her line of sight. Her eyes, which had been staring down at the table, avoiding mine since her confession, lifted. My gaze moved to her fingers, watching her slowly type in her number.
Our stares tangled when she finished, and our fingers brushed as she handed my phone back to me.
The energy that surged through me was a complete shock to my system; the feeling was so unexpected it was frightening and overwhelming. But instead of killing me, it brought me to life.
It was what I imagined being struck by lightning felt like.
I couldn’t see all the ways it would affect me; I just knew my life would never be the same.
I had a job. Well, kinda. I think.
Honestly, it felt a bit like a pity job. One I wasn’t even sure I’d be any good at it, but I was willing to try.
Naomi came over about half an hour ago and started telling me about her Etsy shop. She sold knitted items and had been looking for some help since she was going to start law school next year. I’d never so much as picked up a knitting needle before, but after a few minutes of her teaching me I started to get the hang of it.
This was a good distraction, I realized. It kept me from thinking about Grayson. It’d been about two weeks since he’d first knocked on our door, and I was completely shocked to find him on the other side of it again yesterday.
Our second conversation was as awkward as the first, thanks to yours truly. I still couldn’t believe I’d cried in front of him. But after he went back to his car and I found that picture frame, I was too overwhelmed to keep it in. He was nice about it, nicer than most guys would be, and I couldn’t deny the warm, fuzzy feeling I had when he left.
I’d never had a guy ask for my number before. Well, he didn’t technically ask, he simply assumed I’d give it. Not in an arrogant way, but like there was no other option.
I smiled just thinking about it.
I’d yet to mention anything to Damien. I wanted to keep it to myself for a little bit longer. Plus, I wasn’t quite sure how he’d feel.
Joy was also in the dark about it. I didn’t want to hear all the negatives while I was so happy. Joy and Damien definitely tried to keep me grounded. I needed that, but I didn’t always want it.
Still, I was dying to tell someone. I started wiggling my butt against the couch cushion, my eyes darting to Naomi every few seconds, trying to think of a way to casually bring Grayson up. All of a sudden she set her half-done scarf down and turned my way.
“What?”
I jumped a little, losing my place and dropping my needles. “What what?”
“You want to say something. Spit it out.”
Crap.
Naomi seemed nice, but I didn’t know her well enough to feel one hundred percent comfortable. I fiddled with my needles as I tried to buy more time. I could feel my blush running across my cheeks and down my neck.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I finally whispered.
She gave me a dubious look, and something about her expression reminded me of a dog with a bone—she was not going to let this go.
“Well… I was just… wondering…” I stumbled for a minute before admitting defeat and sighing. “DoyouknowGrayson?”
“Who?”
“Damien’s friend… Grayson.”
Naomi’s lips turned down. “I don’t actually know any of his friends.”
My guilt bubbled up again. “He doesn’t really have any. Between working and me… D doesn’t have much time. That’s part of the reason I was so surprised. But he…”
“He, what?” Naomi was grinning as she lightly poked me in the side with the flat end of her needle.
“He was really nice. I’ve never…”
You think a nice, put-together police officer would be interested in you?
It was amazing how I could hear my mother’s voice like she was sitting right next to me. I shook my head. “Never mind. It’s stupid.”
Naomi frowned. “What’s stupid?”
“Thinking about a guy right now. I’m pregnant.” I pointed to my stomach. “Pretty soon I’ll be waddling… I’m going to be a waddler. How sexy.” I shrugged, trying to make it a joke so it didn’t hurt so much.
Naomi was undeterred. “To the right man. Yes, it could be extremely sexy.”
“I’m pretty sure my brother would have a heart attack if I started dating. Besides, I barely even talked to him. I’m being crazy right now.” It was crazy, but I had to accept that I had no control over the feeling.
I smiled a little as we started working again. After a little while, Naomi looked over at my work and said, “For a beginner, you’re getting the hang of it really fast.”
“Thank you.”
“Also, if we’re gonna be friends, the first thing you should know is that I’ll always call you on your bullshit.”
My smile widened, and I felt my heart get a little lighter. “We’re gonna be friends?”
Naomi rolled her eyes. “We’re already friends, that was just an expression.”
Friends.
It felt like such a long time since I’d had one of those.
I PLOPPED DOWN IN the chair, out of breath and in pain. My lower back was aching and it seemed I couldn’t do a single thing—not even walk from my car to a building—without getting short-winded. The unforgiving June sun didn’t help any. Arizona summers were the bane of my existence, but this one was even more miserable. My boobs were nothing to brag about, but with the pregnancy they’d gotten bigger, and the boob sweat was unreal.
“Rough morning?” I heard the smirk in Joy’s voice.
“I don’t know why this baby hates me already,” I grumbled. My pain was not made any better by the cheap, fold-up metal chair I was sitting on.
Joy chuckled and patted my knee. “Stand up.”
I didn’t question her as I slowly stood. I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through a whole meeting if I was already squirming in my seat.
“Sit back down.”
Before I did I looked back and saw a cushion, starting at the back of the chair and ending at the lip of the seat. I smiled gratefully and
lowered myself. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.” She waved it away and dug around in her purse. After she found her bag of snack food, she swiveled my way. “So we have a couple minutes until the meeting starts. Tell me how you are.”
“I’m okay,” I said quietly, gazing around at the other people in the room. Thankfully they were otherwise occupied. When she just raised her eyebrows, I admitted, “Things feel weird at home.”
She frowned. “Why’s that?”
“I love my brother. You know I do. But lately he’s driving me crazy. I can see it in his eyes. Sometimes he doesn’t look at me like a sister. He looks at me like a responsibility.”
Joy took one of my hands in hers. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Ellie. It means he cares.”
“I know.” I lowered my voice, sadness seeping in. “He doesn’t think I can do this. How is that supposed to make me feel? And he thinks Grayson is too good for me.” My lips immediately snapped shut.
There was a hint of amusement in Joy’s eyes as she smirked. “Okay, so this is about Grayson.”
“Nooooo…”
Except it was.
Things had been strained between Damien and me lately, ever since he found out Grayson and I were talking.
I was almost seven months along now, and Grayson and I had been spending some time together. Although our friendship was still in its infancy and we didn’t know a ton about one another, I was sure he was someone I could depend on.
Of course I knew he was out of my league. That didn’t mean my brother had to agree with me.
“You can admit you like him. Nothing bad will happen,” Joy teased.
She couldn’t possibly know that. Besides, I had a baby on the way. I shouldn’t be thinking about anything other than my child. My hands were sweaty, so I brushed them against the front of my skirt.
“You’re allowed to have other thoughts. Non-baby-related thoughts,” she added like she’d known what was going on in my head. Although I guess that was what a good friend was: a mind reader.
I couldn’t have this conversation right now. My eyes roamed the cafeteria, looking for the one person who would take Joy’s mind off me.
“Where’s Carter?” I asked. I didn’t know his last name or anything about him other than what related to his alcoholism. But I always connected with him. We didn’t talk much, but every time one of us spoke about our experiences, our eyes met, a silent acknowledgement of understanding.
Addiction entered people’s lives in a variety of ways—no two stories were the same. But ours felt like they came from the same genre. Both from wealthy families. Both isolated. Our dependence on alcohol was more about the company we kept than the actual alcohol. And after a while those two things blurred, and the feeling of being complete only came when we had a bottle in our hands. I was slowly starting to see there were other ways.
The other thing I knew about Carter? Joy was hopelessly in like with the guy. We didn’t talk about it though.
I followed Joy’s stare. It was as though she’d already known exactly where he was. Lifting my hand, I waved at him.
“Shit. He’s coming over,” Joy muttered.
I cringed. I wasn’t trying to make this more difficult for her.
Carter left his corner and the closer he got, the more I felt Joy tense. He was shy and a bit awkward, always telling cheesy jokes and obvious puns. I didn’t think there was a sweeter person alive.
“Hi, Ellie,” he said as he stopped in front of us. Carter stuffed his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels.
“Hey. How are you?”
“I’m all right.”
We chatted for a few more minutes. Joy was noticeably silent and his question-filled eyes flew to hers a few times, before we were asked to take our seats. After a few members spoke, including Joy, it was my turn.
“Hello,” I began, my throat raw with nerves. “My name is Ellie Harrington, and I’m an alcoholic.” I may have done this several times already, but it never got easier. There were always new people dropping in, and I always felt the familiar burn of failure when I got up and confessed my weakness.
I remembered the first meeting I went to like it was yesterday. I had practiced my introduction in the bathroom, and a laugh had bubbled up at how ridiculous it sounded. With no idea what to expect, I was incredibly nervous. Alcoholics and stress did not mix well. And it wasn’t that oil-and-vinegar crap where they simply couldn’t go together. No, they mixed, very readily. It was just, when they did, the result was often explosive. Like mixing TNT with… well, whatever bomb makers mix TNT with to make it go boom.
Clearly, I wasn’t a science nerd.
So it was pretty ironic that sometimes my biggest source of anxiety was my AA meetings.
Thankfully my introduction was over quick. There was no set time limit, and I always made sure mine was fast.
Joy grabbed my hand when I finished and squeezed. I glanced at Carter. He was wearing a soft, contemplative expression as he watched Joy’s simple attempt to comfort me.
I was pretty sure he reciprocated her feelings. So I couldn’t understand why neither of them was doing anything about it. Didn’t two people who felt the way they did have an obligation to do something?
After the meeting ended and we were on our way out, Carter already gone, I stopped her. Without preamble, I asked, “Why haven’t you told Carter you have feelings for him?”
Joy froze. She didn’t deny it or try to play it down. Letting out a sigh, she extended her arm toward the empty room. “Because look where we met. We reveal the worst of ourselves in there. To complete strangers. It’s easier knowing we’ll never see them outside of this. To know our secrets are safe within these four walls. But out there?” I followed her pointed finger to the parking lot. “Anything can happen. We’re different people in there. I might not like him in the real world.”
I knew what she meant. The secrets we shared could be brutal. Joy was one of the members who shared more than anyone else, and her story wasn’t an easy one. Carter and I were similar—he barely gave details, and he usually finished faster than me.
“No one wants to feel vulnerable with a person who can’t give it back, Ellie.”
“What if he can though? Maybe he’d be different one-on-one?”
“And if he isn’t?” she asked. “A relationship can’t work unless both people are willing to share.”
“Then you wait him out. If you give people enough, won’t they eventually have to feel the same? To reciprocate?”
“No, Ellie,” Joy said softly. She was smiling, but it was small and sad. It made me feel like there was something I wasn’t understanding. “You can’t spend your life giving everything away in hopes that someday a person will give it back.” She placed her hand over my heart. “You have to keep some of that love and respect for yourself. It’s okay to think of yourself first. It’s not always out of selfishness, but out of survival. And it’s okay to love yourself without the validation of others.”
I frowned. Somehow she’d turned this conversation around on me. I couldn’t fully focus on her trickery, not with her words now floating in my head.
I thought about them on the walk to the car, and when I hugged her goodbye. I mulled them over on the drive home. I turned them around in my mind as I walked through the front door of our apartment, calling out a hello to Damien and Naomi, before heading toward my bedroom. And I tried to see them in different lights, to understand them in a way that made sense to me.
But as I stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself, I wondered…
How can you come to love what you’ve always hated?
My eyes squeezed shut. I couldn’t afford to think this way anymore. I wanted my son to have someone to admire.
Loving myself was something I’d always struggled with, however pathetic that sounded, but I wanted to change. Kids were more perceptive than people gave them credit for.
What would his self-worth become if he
saw me constantly tearing down my own?
Nothing was about just me anymore. Everything I did had to be done with my son in mind. And despite the odds and statistics stacked against me, I was determined to prove all of them wrong.
My hands twitched in my lap as I stared at my purse on the coffee table.
I was sitting on the couch, waiting for Grayson to pick me up for a doctor’s visit. Damien had claimed that both he and Naomi were busy, but when I offered to ask Joy and he told me that Grayson had already agreed to take me, I had a feeling it was my brother’s way of apologizing for how negative he’d been about my friendship with Grayson.
It meant a lot. But now that I was sitting here waiting for him, I was becoming increasingly nervous.
I considered Grayson and me friends, but like I said, we were new friends, and going to the doctor felt very personal.
You’ve already cried in front of him and word-vomited your insecurities on him…
Hmmm… point made.
The doorbell rang and I scrambled up, grabbing my bag before rushing toward the door. He was doing me a favor and I didn’t want to inconvenience him in any way.
“Hey.” I sounded out of breath as I threw open the door and quickly crossed the threshold. The key missed its mark as I tried to be quick in locking up.
Grayson chuckled behind me. “Where’s the fire?”
“I don’t want to keep you waiting,” I said, finally slipping the key in the lock and turning it. He was frowning when I glanced up at him. Before he could say anything, I moved toward the stairs.
“Wait.” I’d just wrapped my hand around the railing when he spoke. “Here. Hold on to me,” he said, offering me his arm.
Unveiling Fate Page 4