by Shae Scott
“You have to let me back in. I can’t keep wondering if you are going to bail. This isn’t a trial run, Ally. Are your doubts still that strong?”
His honesty threw me. The sudden change to serious had my head spinning.
I was a little shocked at his words. We had been so good together. I had no idea these doubts had been on his mind. I tried to wrap my mind around my behavior to see if he was right. But I was at a loss.
“I’m not going anywhere. I didn’t mean it that way. I promise. I don’t mean to push you away. I didn’t know that I was. I’m doing the best I can,” I said.
“I know. I do. It just hurts. To know that you are still so far away from trusting me again,” he admitted. He took my hand in his, running his fingers across my skin gently. It calmed me, but the ache in my chest remained.
“I do trust you, but you have to trust me too. I’m not the only one here waiting for things to fall apart,” I said.
He sighed, his face weary.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I was still guarded at times. But wasn’t I allowed? Wasn’t he? We were both still broken, still healing, still finding our way. We’d been so caught up in making new beginnings that we’d forgotten to deal with the past. It seems it was still lifting its ugly head into our present.
“You’re right,” he said quietly. “I guess part of me still worries I’m going to lose you again. The idea of it is too much,” he admitted.
I sighed, I felt bad for what I had implied with my flippant statement, but there was some truth in it and it had found its way to the surface. “I get it. I struggle too. I don’t mean to pull back. It’s just…I’m scared too. Part of me worries that something will happen and I’ll have to survive losing you again,” I admitted quietly. He found my chin and lifted it so that he could see my eyes. No hiding.
“We’re still a mess aren’t we?” he asked, a small smile finding the corner of his mouth. I felt myself relax a little.
“We still have a ways to go,” I agreed.
“Baby, I know it’s hard. I know you want to protect yourself. But if we’re really going to make this work you have to try and let me back in…completely. You have to trust me to be good to you.” I nodded, taking in his words and letting them settle around the scars on my heart.
“I’m sorry I said what I did. I would love to go on vacation. I’d love to stay in a hut over the ocean,” I said, giving him a shy smile. I hated feeling tension between us. It had a way of bringing back old ghosts for both of us. It was as if we both still felt too fragile. Like we were rebuilding on quicksand, one fight away from another goodbye. I knew we had to get past that. He was right, I had to trust him. He had to trust me.
Owen reached up and pushed a stray hair behind my ear and ran his fingertips along my cheek. As if reading my mind, he said, “We aren’t the same people we were then. We’re better. Being apart from you taught me so much about myself and about what I need in life. And I need you. But I can’t do it all on my own. I need us to be a team again.”
“I want that too. I just trip myself up sometimes.” I said.
He smiled. “Then let me be here to catch you. I’ll always be here to catch you. I’m not leaving you again,” he promised. It felt good to hear. I smiled and kissed him softly.
“I love you,” I said softly. He rested his forehead to mine and smiled.
“Sweetest words I’ve ever heard,” he said.
This man who had ripped me to pieces was slowly putting me back together again. He made me happy. He made me want to believe in things that I’d put aside before. I just had to learn to put the bricks and mortar down and let him in completely.
27
Owen
Thanksgiving. It meant something more to me this year. Things in my life were starting to fall into place. I had a new outlook, I had my girl and the whole thing made me feel content and happy.
Mom had come to town from Phoenix, where she’d been living for the past five years. She’d gone there on vacation years ago and had fallen in love with the desert. She said something about it being healing for her soul. I think it also had to do with a guy named Ron that she’d met online. But he made her happy and I was happy for that. He seemed like a nice guy. We’d watched the game together after the ladies in my life kicked us out of the kitchen so they could cook.
I could hear them in the other room, pans clanking together and the sound of Ally’s laughter mingled with mom’s and Gran’s. It was music. It gave me such peace that it felt tangible. I couldn’t remember ever having felt anything like it before. I settled back into the cushions and let it take over. I glanced over at Ron, drinking a beer and staring at the game and smiled. It was a scene that was playing out all over America, but for once it was my scene. It was my reality and my home. It felt good.
I was immersed in the game when I felt familiar hands on my shoulders. I covered them with my own and looked up to where she stood behind the couch.
“Hi,” she smiled.
“Hey,” I greeted back. I’d missed her. How crazy was that? She’s been in the kitchen, just a few steps away, and I had missed her.
“Dinner is almost ready,” she smiled down at me. I took her hand and kissed it.
“Good, I’m starved,” I said.
“Not for long,” she promised. I liked to think that twinkle in her eye carried the double meaning that I chose to hear in her words. Because, let’s face it. I was always starved for her.
We sat around the big table and passed the turkey and the potatoes and talked and laughed. We were a family. Mom had always loved Ally and I could tell that she was over the moon about her being back in my life. She was good for me and everyone saw it.
“I can’t tell you how happy I am that you are here, Ally,” Mom said as she passed a bowl of green beans across the table.
“Me too,” she smiled, sweetly, catching my eye. I threw her a wink.
“Were your parents upset that you weren’t having dinner with them, dear?” Granny asked.
“No. Owen and I are going to see them on Saturday,” she answered.
“Two big dinners…can’t complain over that,” I laughed. Honestly, the idea of us trading holidays between our families felt amazing. I never would have thought that such a simple domestic thing would feel so great. It meant that we were a team, a package deal, and it was comforting. It surprised me. I had changed so much in the things that I craved. No more was it success and board rooms. It was now family dinners and lazy Sundays on the porch swing. I had missed out on so many simple pleasures in life trying to hide away from real intimacy. Now that I had it in my life I didn’t want to give it up for anything. It gave me life and purpose.
When dinner was over, mom found me as I made my way back from the bathroom. I wanted to help Ally with the dishes, but mom had a look in her eye that told me she wanted to talk. I hadn’t seen her in months and it felt good having her home. For so long I’d thought of myself as her protector. Now she had Ron and she didn’t need protecting so much anymore.
“Hey, mom. Did you need me for something?” I asked.
“No, dear, I just wanted to take a minute to chat. I was in the kitchen all day and we didn’t get any time to catch up,” she said.
“I know. Dinner was amazing though. Ya’ll did good,” I smiled. I put my arm around her as we drifted down the hall.
“Come sit with me on the porch for a bit?” she asked.
“Of course.” I followed her outside, passing the kitchen, and noticing Granny and Ally still sitting at the table lost in some discussion.
We settled on the porch swing and began a lazy back and forth motion. “I’ve missed being back here,” she said, staring out across the yard. “I really think we might come back here. Gran’s getting older and now you are back. I miss having you two close to me.”
“We’d love to have you back. But I know how much you love Arizona,” I said. She was so happy these days, I didn’t want her to move back here just for us or because
she felt like she needed to.
“I do. But I miss my family. Ronnie says he’d come back with me. It would be the best of both worlds really. Especially now that you seem to be settling down. I want to be here for everything. Arizona is so far away,” she said.
“Ron seems like a great guy.” She looked over at me, her smile huge. I never had good things to say about any of mom’s boyfriends.
“He is. He’s good for me. We’re good for each other. It took awhile to find someone, but he was worth the wait,” she smiled. Then she laughed, “I sound silly.”
“No. It’s nice to hear actually,” I admitted.
“You’ve changed. You aren’t nearly as jaded as you used to be,” she pointed out.
I laughed, “I guess not.”
“Maybe because you found your someone too,” she suggested.
I tried not to smile. But it didn’t work. The grin overtook me and I was hiding nothing.
“I love her,” I said.
I think mom melted in a single moment. There was no doubt that I loved her. It was evident in everything I did. But to hear me say it, that was probably unexpected. Mom knew me as the cynical boy who didn’t believe in love. She was ecstatic. So was I.
“You two fit together. You always have really. I’m glad you found your way back together.”
“Me too. I hate that we had so much time apart, but I’m glad she’s forgiven me and let me back in,” I admitted.
“Owen, honey, I’m a firm believer in things happening for a reason. They happen when they are supposed to. It doesn’t always work on our timetable, but there’s a reason it all unfolds the way it does. Maybe you needed that time away to see what was important and be stronger because of it.”
“You are such a romantic. Even with all the shit you’ve been through, you always hold on to hope for love,” I smiled.
“Language,” she warned.
“Sorry,” I laughed.
“I believe because it’s really the only way to find hope in tomorrow. If you give up, then what’s the point? Besides, it worked. I found Ronnie. And I’m happy.”
“I’m glad. I like seeing you this happy. We made it through a lot didn’t we, mom?” I put an arm around her and she gave me that same smile she’d given me since I was a kid.
“We really did. I’m proud of you, ya know. I couldn’t have asked for a better kid,” she said.
“You aren’t gonna go weepy on me are you?” I teased.
“I might. You should be used to it by now,” she laughed and I saw the tears that were pricking at her eyes. But her smile made them okay.
“I am. Cry away. I can handle anything you got,” I teased.
“I missed you, Owen. I really did.”
We stayed out on the swing for awhile, catching up, just the two of us. I’d always been close to my mom and we didn’t get a lot of time like this these days. And as was the theme for the day, I didn’t want to take any of it for granted.
28
Ally
“You want to take a walk with me? Maybe walk off some turkey before we stuff our face with pie?” Owen asked, slipping his arms around my waist as I dried a plate and put it in the cabinet.
“Okay. That sounds good,” I agreed. I hadn’t really had much time alone with Owen today. I’d spent most of the day in the kitchen with Gran and Susie cooking and gossiping. Owen’s mom was just as sweet as Gran. When Owen and I had been growing up she’d struggled a lot. She had raised Owen alone and had her share of heartbreak, but she had always been an optimist. I remember once when I’d been dating Brendon and we’d gotten in a big argument about something silly, like high school kids do, she’d told me, “Ally, you just gotta remember that they don’t understand us. They live life in a very black and white world. We expect them to read between the lines and hear what we are trying to tell them. They don’t. They take us at face value. Learn this one early. It will save you a lot of headaches.” I had laughed it off then, but she had been right. No truer advice had ever been given.
She was happy now. She had found Ron and they seemed to fit. He took care of her, adored her and I was thrilled to see her get her happy ending. She was also really excited at the idea that Owen and I were together again. She told me that she had always hoped he would end up with me. Even as kids, she’d seen something between us. I listened good-naturedly and laughed as she relayed stories of Owen and me as kids. It was funny to hear it from her perspective. The way she told it we’d been gooey eyed over each other. I didn’t remember it that way.
“We were friends,” I had argued.
“I know. But there was something. He kept you so close. He wanted to protect you. I knew there was something there, even if you weren’t ready to see it yet. And honestly, it’s probably best that you didn’t. It gave you both a chance to grow up and figure out who you were. Not that anything could really keep you apart,” she said.
Maybe she was right. We’d been through so much together. Maybe it was just about us finding the right time to make it stick. It was a nice theory.
Owen and I headed outside; the weather was starting to cool off. Finally. I was anxious for full fledged cool weather and the start of the holiday season. It was my favorite time of year. The fact that I was spending it with Owen made it even better. He took my hand in his and we started towards the barns.
“You want to take the truck out for a spin?” he asked. I’d never ridden in any of Grandpa Jack’s old cars, the idea excited me.
“Really? I’d love to. Is it okay if we take them out?” I asked.
“Of course. It’s good for them to get some road time. I’ve been working on the truck a lot and I’ve been meaning to get it out. We’ll just take it down the road a bit.”
I watched as he found the keys on the wall and pulled the truck out. Once he was clear of the barn I jumped in. It was one of my favorites. Black paint with black leather and white piping upholstery. It felt like I was stepping into a time warp, everything was so perfect.
“This is amazing,” I sighed, running my hands across the leather.
“Yeah, I’m a bit partial to this old truck,” he said.
“Grandpa Jack would be really happy to have you taking such good care of them,” I said.
“Yeah,” he agreed. I knew he felt closer to him when he was working on the cars. He said it grounded him.
We rode down the country streets with the windows down. Owen turned on the old radio and I heard old school country coming through the static. I could imagine that this was the station that Grandpa Jack had listened to and I liked that Owen never went to change it.
I slid across the seat so that I could sit a little closer to him. He ran his hand across my thigh and I rested my head on his shoulder.
“Have I told you this is the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had?” he asked. I smiled.
“Me too,” I admitted. He gave my leg a gentle squeeze.
“I love you. Never ever forget that. You are my world.” He squeezed my thigh and the feeling of pure contentment that swept through me was stronger than anything I’d ever felt before. This was where I belonged. I had to stop questioning everything else. It was time that I let all of that other stuff go. He was it for me. He was my happy times.
“I love you too, Owen,” I said. I hoped he knew that. Moreover, I hoped he felt it. The fact was, I’d never stopped loving him. The love that I had with him wasn’t one you could ever let go of. I know, I’d tried. It was permanent. It was in my blood, my bones, every part of my being. It’s why I kept coming back, why I couldn’t stay away.
We rode in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. Mine a symphony of memory and hope, past and future. We were more than our past. More than hurt, anger, and intense passion. We were more than simple love or lust. We were everything mixed together in a delicate balance. It had taken us a long time to figure out how to make that work. To accept our faults and grow with each other. I don’t think I would have ever found a way to appreciate it th
e way I did without the struggles we’d had. They had been important. They’d gotten us to this place of honesty. Where we didn’t feel like we had to be perfect for each other. We didn’t have that pressure anymore to only say the right things. We gave each other permission to be honest, even if honest was showcasing the scary fears that lived within us.
It didn’t make the struggles we’d gone through any easier, but maybe someday I would look back and realize they had been necessary. It was a nice theory.
We pulled back up to the barn and as Owen parked it inside I took a moment to look up at the sky and admire all of the stars that were out. It was a spectacular night. The air chilly and crisp and thousands of tiny twinkle lights watching us from above.
“Look, Owen, look at all of the stars,” I called out as he came out to join me. He wrapped his arms around me and stared up with me.
“You can’t see them like this in the city,” he said.
“I know. I love it out here,” I admitted.
“You could stay out here. With me. I have lots of room. We could look at the stars each night. Watch the sunset together, fall asleep beside each other,” he said.
I smiled. It’s not as if we weren’t spending all of our time together anyway. Some nights we stayed at my place, sometimes his. If we had early meetings it was nice to have a place in the city, but we both loved being out on the farm. It was peaceful and whenever we were there it was as if we both just relaxed a little bit more,
“We already do that,” I said.
“I know. But I want to know that you are going to be there every night. No matter what,” he said. He turned me around to face him and he cupped my face in his big, rough hands. He smiled down at me, brushing a stray hair from my cheek.
“I want to move forward. I want you with me. I know you have that amazing place in Nashville. I get it. We can keep it if you want. But I want you with me. Charlie wants you with us too. I don’t want to go back and forth. I don’t want you to just have a drawer and a toothbrush at my place. I want you to live there. With me.,” he said.