to nip up to the log pile (which in these parts we always put right by the privy, so as to kill two birds with one stone). It was a hot day, but I don't reckon we ever had such a good fire going. Anyway, he looked up at me as I went up there for the tenth time and quick as a flash, I shall always remember, he said, 'Got the runs 'ave yer?'
There you have it - just the right comment at the right time. Also, it made me laugh so much I dropped a log on my foot and he had to help me indoors. After that, one thing led to another and he's called Jason.
I never see the lad with his shirt off on a hot day without thinking of his dad. Of course, we've all passed a lot of water since then.
ON PRESSINO YOUR SUIT
YOUNG MEN SAY TO ME, 'MRS OGG, WHEN A YOUNG MAN HAS
honourable intentions towards a young lady, how should he go about pressing his suit?'
And I think it is a good thing that a would-be swain thinks about this, because it's prob'ly the first time in his life he's ever had to worry where the ironing board is. It's best to try it out on an old shirt or two, unless going courting with brown arrow shapes all over your suit is fashionable in your part of the world. Once you've got the temperature right, it's time to try pressing the suit itself. Oddly enough, it's often the trousers that give trouble. Sideways creases do not impress, but I remember when our Jason first pressed his suit he managed to get four creases per leg, and the boxy look caught on around here for a while.
That's what I know about pressing your suit.
OM OIRLS MAKIMG ADVAMCES
SOMETIMES GIRLS AND WOMEN PLAN EVENTS WITH A DIRECT VIEW
to scraping an acquaintance with young men. Dropping something is an obvious way, although in public this is usually a parcel or sunshade.
It says in my old etiquette book: 'It is scarcely necessary to say that girls who stoop to this kind of manoeuvring are hardly ever gentlewomen. It cannot be denied that girls of the lower middle classes are prone to it. A gentleman should hesitate before choosing as a wife a girl who shows so little discretion as to walk and talk with young men of whom she knows nothing beyond what they choose to tell her.'
Well, in Lancre no lad looking for a wife who can help with the harvest is going to have much interest in a girl who can't pick up her own sunshade. If a little parcel is going to give her much trouble, she's going to be no good with a couple of buckets of milk, either. In fact it has been known for young men to drop a bale of hay in the road near the young lady's cottage to see if she'll pick it up. Any girl who'll pass up the opportunity of free hay isn't likely to be a provident wife, they say.
We breed good men in Lancre, but I have to say sometimes they could do with a good ding around the lughole.
OFFERIMG A1V UMBRELLA
MY OLD ETIQUETTE BOOK ALSO SAYS: 'IT IS ETIQUETTE TO OFFER
an unknown lady an umbrella in the street, supposing she stood in need of one. No lady would accept the offer from a stranger; and the other sort of female might never return the umbrella. In large towns women of breeding soon learn to view casual attentions
from well-dressed men with the deepest distrust.'
However, my advice is: it's better to make the acquaintance of a kind man than die of pneumonia. Person'ly, I've always enjoyed casual attentions. You might get a good dinner out of them. A lady is always polite, appreciative, and carries a horseshoe in her handbag. This is not for luck: the added weight can come in handy.
CHAPEROMES
IN LANCRE IT IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED ETIQUETTE TO HAVE A
responsible female relative within two miles of the young couple at all times.
In remote areas, and they don't get much more remote than up here, the age-old practice of 'bundling' is still, er, practised. On long cold winter nights, when the young man may have come a long way, he is allowed to share a bed with the young lady, although both remain fully clothed and a bolster is put down the middle. However, since love traditionally laughs at locksmiths, it probably grins widely at a pillow full of feathers.
A NOTE ABOUT LOVE LETTERS
ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS AN AREA WHERE A BIT OF THOUGHT RIGHT NOW
can save some red faces later on. Women have this habit of saving up billets of doux and tyin' them up with a ribbon and keeping them in a drawer somewhere and, sure enough, about ten years later you finds that the kids have dug them out and are reading them to their friends for a penny a time. Once again, a bit of foresight now can work wonders. With a bit of co-operation between the writers it's wise to begin the missives like this:
'My dearest love,
GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF THIS, YOU THIEVING DEVILS!
YES, WE KNOW IT'S YOU! PUT THEM BACK THIS MINUTE!'
Of course, it helps even more if you've discussed early on what names you're going to give your children when you have them. This will then earn you an entire quiet afternoon while they try to work out how you did it, and possibly also give them one of them complexes which will benefit them in later life. This is also a good time to mention:
THE SIGJVIFICAMCE OF STAMPS
THIS GOES BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN ANY LETTER THAT ARRIVED IN
the house was read by everyone and girls weren't allowed to have private correspondence until they were thirty-five.
When the stamp is in the centre at the top it signifies an affirmative answer to the question (we won't go into what the question might be), and when it is at the bottom, it is a negative. Should the stamp be on the right-hand corner, at an angle, it asks the question if the receiver of the letter loves the sender; in the left-hand corner it means the writer hates the other. If it is in the middle of the letter, it has covered the address, so the letter will be delivered to the wrong house but will make for interestin' reading and you'll get strange looks from the neighbours.
If there is no stamp you'll have to pay the postie. This means it is a very bad start to a relationship.
The Lancre Love Seat
IN TIMES OF yore, when a young man wished to show his young lady that he was of a mind to get serious and set up house with her, he would start to work upon the site of their new home.
The first act, so that he and his fellow workers (usually his family and friends) would have some facilities, would be to dig the privy. As time went on, this act became more symbolic and the young man would carve for his paramour an ornate privy seat. The carvings would include the name of the young lady and her swain, along with the usual flurry of hearts, cherubs and doves. Of course, this made them uncomfortable, but comfort has never been a big consideration when it comes to the realms of Amour, otherwise boned corsets would never have been invented.
The seats are now often carved in miniature, to be carried in a pocket or bag. Really skilled beaux carve the seats (or have them carved by dwarf craftsmen) so tiny that they can be used as pendants. These miniature seats are highly prized even in the elite circles of Ankh-Morpork, and an antique example made by skilled dwarf craftsmen can fetch thousands of dollars. Less exalted versions are often used as frames for mirrors, and are considered extremely risible.
Balls
(how to behave at them)
IT IS A truth self evident that a man in possession of his own teeth, a decent pair of boots, a couple of acres of land and some pigs that need feeding must be in want of a wife. Balls are a good way to meet one. That's why they're held. The dancing is just a way of passing the time, something for you to do while your mind is on other things. Even up in the Ramtops there is the occasional big ball, and these require a level of etiquette rather higher than your average village hop or hoe-down, where the key thing is to remember to go outside if you need to throw up.
Firstly you should, of course, reply to the invitation as soon as you receive it. It will say RSVP, and you must reservup. Put some effort into it. Your host or hostess has gone to the trouble of putting runny writing and gold edging on the card, so a decently spelled letter is the least you can do. Balls cost a lot to put on. Even if you're royal, it's good manners to let people kn
ow you're coming - in fact especially if you're royal, because nothing flusters people so much as an unexpected king.
The only exception to this rule, in the Ramtops, is witches. Witches just turn up, or not. It's accepted that they have all sorts of calls on their time.
If it says 8 p.m. on the card, and you believe it, you'll find yourself the only guest. Even though you do get a good crack at the drink before anyone else arrives, it's still not good manners. A good hostess will employ a few people to be 'early guests', so as the first real arrivals won't feel embarrassed (this is a good earner for anyone who can wear evening dress and doesn't have ears that stick out too much; you get some free drinks, all the canapes you can stuff in your pocket and a dollar for your trouble besides).
She will introduce you to other guests and, as a result, you may get much of your dance card filled. I've always thought these things were a bit pompous, but it's etiquette once again. It's considered good manners to dance with the host or hostess, and also any maiden aunts or surviving grandparents who will want to get out on the floor - and I've known elderly ladies who're still capable of dancing at 2 a.m. when a succession of their young partners have been helped out onto the balcony for some fresh air. The important thing is to keep your feet moving. Some of the steps are bound to be right.
It's also good manners to circulate and not just hang around the people you came with. A good tip here, I find, is to keep your eye on the people carrying trays of drinks and food. Keep up with them. The evening will pass very happily.
To young men I would say: you've prob'ly been invited because you can dance and are known to wash regular, so make yourself available to dance with any plain neglected wallflower. She may be spotty, but what is a sky without stars?
Incident'ly, in etiquettable circles it's not done to dance with anyone for more than two dances in succession unless you're engaged to them. Also, it's a good idea to have some non-controversial Smalltalk ready. 'I don't know about you, but I'm really sweaty,' is not suitable, whereas 'Don't you think it is a trifle warm in here?' is fine and, of course, invites agreement that perhaps a stroll on the verandah is in order. What could be more enjoyable than to sit in some cool retreat with a charming girl? Well, quite a lot, but some of it starts right there, just my little joke.
If you play your cards right and are seen out on the dance floor entering into the spirit of the thing, you will find yourself a favourite with hostesses and, if you take care to fill your pockets with loose nibbles, you might not have to buy any food for several months.
It is very bad manners to accept an invitation to a dance if you cannot dance. If you do, you may take the place of another who is more accomplished and your incompetence will make you a waste of space. Learn. Take professional lessons. Most of the steps are pretty easy, and the more understanding hostesses won't mind you painting 'U and 'R' on your shoes.
We can't leave the subject of courtship without mentioning:
The Language of Flowers
THIS IS SOMETHING that has died out in recent years, which is a shame, but you can see why when you read about the scandal. It all seemed so romantic until then.
Of course, these days all people remember is 'rosemary for remembrance' and a few odds and ends like that, but when the vogue was in its heyday there were more than nine hundred different items of vegetation (trees and even some vegetables as well as flowers) with their own meanings. In a way they were very much like naval signal flags, which can either have their own meaning ('Ship invaded by strange creatures in a metal saucer, am abandoning lunch'), or simply be a number or letter of the alphabet, depending on how they're used. To put it another way, you could use vegetation to say anything.
Those of you with a freewheeling type of mind can see that here was an accident just waiting to happen.
Down in Sto Lat, for example, there was old Mr Gladdybone, who was, how can I put it, the sort of old gentleman who sniggers when he sees a lady's washing blowing in the wind. And down the lane lived Miss Mellifera Buster, who was something of a folklorist, and who was the first person ever to try to get the constables to
prosecute someone for having an obscene garden.
She said she particularly objected to the Creeping Shrillflower, but planting it between the Love-Lies-Panting and the begonias was the last straw. Also, when she complained, the old man had waved an artichoke at her and talked about the hardy perennial Scarlet Bellweed, a flower she had never expected ever to hear on the lips of a man old enough to be her older brother.
She also considered the planting of peas and leeks in his back garden, easily seen from her bedroom window if you knelt on top of the wardrobe, was not as innocent as it seemed, considering the proximity of Nettle-leaved Forthright and Toad Spurge.
Then the old tree stump at the front of his garden had put forth a crop of Maiden's Puzzle, an unusual fungus, and since the old man had planted Old Maids Aplenty all round it she hoped she didn't have to explain to anyone what that meant.
The case went on for a long time and caused a lot of interest, especially since most people until then hadn't had a clue about the
code. It turned out, for example, that the famous painting Stilt Life with Blue Flowers by Augustine Simnel, prints of which turn up everywhere, was really a very unpleasant attack on his mother-in-law if the blooms were read clockwise. As for the floral walk which Lord Ouida had planted through his estate after he'd been forced to re-open an ancient footpath, well, mothers used to cover their children's eyes after they got past the rhododendrons. Mind you, that man was a Creeping Foxglove/Mouse Cress/Climbing Elderberry/Water Dropwort, and his father was no better.
The madness died away after a while, although not before a particularly obscene hedge was torn down, and I suppose it was because of that that the whole language of flowers folklore was forgotten. There was also some talk that Miss Buster had made up some of the dirtier ones, particularly the one about the Ragged-leaved Trefoil, which I didn't even understand until I was thirty. And I still can't see a dandelion without grinnin'.
I did hear that some time afterwards Miss Buster married Mr Gladdybone, but I expect life was no bed of roses.
Here are some pretty flowers and their meanings:
Marriage
E1VOAGEMEMTS
EVEN IN THESE MODERN TIMES YOUNG PEOPLE STILL DO LIKE
to go through the motions before marriage and sometimes they even get engaged (just my little joke). As my old dad used to say: 'If you think being engaged is fun, just wait 'til you're married. In fact, please wait until you're married'.* I always think our dad didn't get out much, and it was a good job he was a bit deaf.
People say to me, 'Mrs Ogg, who should be the one to propose marriage?' and generally I don't see that it matters if it's the boy or the girl, but things have been let slide a little if it has to be the girl's father. Arranged marriages are still pretty common in these parts (and now I come to think of it, what other kinds are there? It's not as if the boy and the girl and all their relatives and a new dress and the priest of choice and a slap-up knife-and-fork tea for forty all turn up in one place by accident, is it?). I'm talking about the kind where an observant mum has a word with her daughter and then with the mum of the boy, and then both dads get told, and it's generally agreed that a wedding within the next few months would be a good idea. I've known plenty of good old marriages that began that way, and at least it reduces the element of surprise all round.
But in a nutshell there's a lot of agonizing about this and it doesn't matter at all. Marriage isn't something someone does to someone else. It's perfectly all right if the woman asks, it ain't like it's begging. The important thing is to know the answer in advance.
Whoever does the asking between the couple, the young man should then ask the bride's father, but this is okay because first the girl has an informal word with her mum to make sure it's sorted
This joke was dug out of a peat bog, and is prob'ly a thousand years old.
out a
ll right. It's really more of a way to get the old man to shell out for new dresses all round but he'll probably hurrumph a bit and, as they say, seek reassurance that the young man has the wherewithal to support his daughter, because it's v. embarrassing to rent out the attic bedroom and then find she's back on the doorstep two weeks later. The swain will also get asked if he has any other 'expectations'. It is not polite to raise any points about the girl's expectations at this point.
It is usual to have a bit of a party once an engagement's been announced. This used to be so that the two families could get the measure of one another and see if any special weapons will need to be brought to the wedding, but things are a bit more civilized now (see Fights, later on). It is not a good idea to bring along any of the more embarrassing relatives; save them until the wedding, by which time it's usually too late to run.
Lengths of Engagements:— Mostly engagements last no longer than six or seven months, but being engaged can become a habit. Take Yodel Lightly and Miss Conception Weaver, who were engaged for sixty-five years.
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