ONE MONTH Friend's relatives
THREE MONTHS Distant relatives (second cousins twice removed
and so on)
six MONTHS Closer relatives (uncles, cousins, etc) ONE YEAR In-laws, close friends TWO YEARS Very close relatives (immediate family) THREE YEARS Family pets (I see my granny has written in 'no
goldfish')
No one seems to bother with these any more, but she also had rules for what the widow is supposed to wear. It makes you think.
First six months following death of husband:— Black only Next three months:— Sombre grey may be added to the range Three months to end of year one:— Grey can totally replace black First six months of year two:— Purple may be added to the range Second six months of year two:— Lavender may be added to the
range Year three:— It is now permissible to wear white clothes, if
trimmed with black
I haven't even gone into the particulars about crepe and silk, but it's pretty obvious that mourning was a full-time job. It doesn't actually say when the black edging stops or when she can get married again, but three years seems a long time to wait. If I'd
waited three years I'd never have got anywhere. Person'ly I think black underwear is sufficient (provided it is meant to be black, of course; there are Standards, after all).
Husbands, on the other hand, wear mourning for only a couple of months. I find this very significant.
DEALING WITH THE UTsTDEAD
AT FIRST GLANCE THIS APPEARS VERY SIMPLE. NEARLY EVERYONE YOU
meet is 'undead'. That's why they're called 'alive'.
But in fact we're talkin' about people who ought to be dead but ain't. They're mainly:
Vampires: the most troublesome kind of undead. This whole area has got a bit more difficult these days, what with vampires coming out of the casket and being more in-your-throat about what they do. Obviously, there's no book of etiquette at mealtimes. Here, however, are some sensible tips:
1 Don't go anywhere near a vampire's castle, no matter how bad the weather.
2 Having gone near the castle, don't knock at the huge forbidding door.
3 Having knocked at the huge forbidding door, don't accept the invitation from the strange man in black clothes to go inside.
4 Having gone inside, don't go into the guest bedroom.
5 Having gone into the guest bedroom, don't - whatever you do - sleep with the window open.
6 Having slept with the window open, don't come runnin' to me to complain.
Werewolves: and people say to me, werewolves aren't undead. Well, if you kill them without using fire or silver, you'll find them turning up again tomorrow. I can't think of a better word than 'undead'. Except possibly 'nuisance'.
Your pure-bred werewolf is gen'rally all right. When they're human, they act human, when they're a wolf, they act like a wolf. Except for their tendency to growl when they're annoyed and piss up against trees, you'd never know they was werewolves if you met 'em socially. Well . . . sometimes they have a tendency to ... you know . . . sniff, but none of us is perfect.
If you are invited to dine, expect a lot of meat. And sometimes biscuits. Most of them love chocolate, so that is always a little gift worth taking along. Expect to go for a long walk in the afternoon.
Zombies: they're dead, but they won't lie down. No matter what people say, no one becomes a zombie unless they've got some very strong reason for staying alive, like some important task they have to finish. The proper etiquette is: since they're humans, treat them as human. It is not good manners to make cutting remarks like 'Isn't there something you should be doing? Like lying down?' and certainly not 'Decompose yourself.' They do appreciate little gifts of scent, aftershave and other strong-smelling items, and, believe me, you will want to give them these things.
Royal Occasions
IN MY EXPERIENCE people can tend to behave in an unnatural way when they find themselves in the presence of royalty. There is no need. Just remember they're only human; they all go to the toilet. Not when you go, of course. There are still some around who can have you put to death as soon as look at you, but mostly they just want to get through the day, they've seen people like you before, their wavin' hand is aching and if you do something daft you'll just get a tight little smile that'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
In Lancre we have what I suppose you'd call a constitutional monarchy if we had a constitution. What this means is this: there is only one king and more'n five hundred subjects, and they all work every day at jobs which mostly involve sharp things. It's one of those lessons that are so obvious they don't have to be taught.
It's all very fashionable these days for royalty to be accessible and busy itself with getting out and meetin' people. I think this is a bad idea. Politics is like chess, you need to know where the king and queen are all the time. There's nothing more annoying than doing a particul'y difficult roof and suddenly there's the Royal Family at the bottom of the ladder shouting up things like 'How long have you been a thatcher? How fascinating!' It's all very well sayin' royalty should do what the people want, but they'll want something different tomorrow.
MEETINO ROYALTY
WHEN YOU ARE PRESENTED TO ROYALTY, NEVER SHAKE HANDS.
Touching royalty is considered to be a gross intrusion. This is because royalty is contagious, and can rub off. That is why kings and queens wear gloves. Of course, this is only my opinion, but if you marry royalty you become royal and much more beautiful, if you're a woman, or more handsome, if you're a man, so there must be some reason. There's a magic to kings.
The King and Queen should be addressed, on first meeting, as 'Your Majesty'. Thereafter, they may be addressed either as 'Your Majesty' or as 'Sire' (for the King) or 'Ma'am' for the Queen. 'Ma'am' is pronounced to rhyme with 'ham', not with 'harm', These little touches make all the difference.
When talking to them, it is a good idea to avoid controversial subjects such as 'What about this republicanism, then? Is it a good idea or what?' and stick to general, unremarkable comments on the lines of Tf the ham in these sandwiches was cut any thinner I could see right through it.'
You should never refer to the King or Queen personally as 'you'. You should say, for example: 'I trust Your Majesty is enjoying the banquet'. Do not say 'There's plenty of meat left on that bone. Pass it here if you don't want it.' Rather say, 'If one does not wish to partake of one's gristle, one would be glad to take it off one's hands.'
Everyone knows that royalty traditionally does not carry money. However, it is not good etiquette to say, T can lend one a bob or two if one is short.'
TROOPIMG THE COLOUR
THIS IS A MAJOR CEREMONY IN THOSE KINGDOMS WHICH STILL HAVE
an army and when you see all the pomp and stamping it's hard to remember that the whole purpose is just to show your average common soldier what his flag looks like.
Obviously you'd think they'd just know, but in the days when half your army were either prison scrapings or ploughboys who'd never seen a pair of trousers before, it was not always so easy. So 'Trooping the Colour' was invented to make sure everyone knew what their 'colours' looked like, so that they could recognize it in battle and return to it if commanded. There had been several embarrassing incidents where generals had been halfway home after a battle when they realized they had taken the wrong army, and this sort of thing can lead to bad feeling.
In Lancre, with an army of just one (Pte/Cpl/Sgt/C-in-C Ogg, S.), the flag is simply kept in the soldier's bunkhouse, so that, effectively, my boy Shawn performs the ceremony each time he goes to bed. It also acts as a handy extra blanket in cold weather. He knows it's the genuine Lancre flag when he sees it, because of the cocoa stains.
GARDEM PARTIES
KING VERENCE AND QUEEN MAGRAT LIKE TO HONOUR LOCAL
worthies and visiting dignitaries by inviting them to garden parties held at Lancre Castle. Invitations are sent out by the Lord Chamberlain (Mr S. Ogg). These are fairly delicate affairs, where the strongest
liquor available is tea and food consists of sandwiches containing a variety of non-animal-based products. Most Lancrastians try to ensure that they only attend one of the affairs.
This has led to a return of the traditional practice of royal invitations being considered to be 'commands'. By the royals, anyway.
INVESTITURES
THIS IS THE CEREMONY WHERE HONOURED CITIZENS COME TO
receive awards of knighthoods or ironmongery for their services to the community. These can rank all the way up to a large house and a dukedom for life.
In Lancre it's all a bit more low key, but now we have the awards from OLE (Order of the Lancrastian Empire) for services to the Kingdom of Lancre (last presented to my son Shawn for his work in stopping draughts at the castle), down to a new set of Morris bells for being Lancrastian Dangerous Sports Personality of the Year.
We used to have knights and dames, but Lancre is a bit small for that sort of thing. I person'ly think the office of Dame could be re-introduced for any witches of a lit'rary inclination in the country, especially since I've already got a pair of spotted drawers and could always lay my hands on a goose if required.
What many people probably don't know is that when the sovereign dubs a knight by tapping him on the shoulders with a sword, it signifies that this is the last occasion when he can honourably be struck with a sword without returning the blow. There have been one or two occasions where recipients have forgotten this and which has led to some nasty scuffles.
If I have not got this wrong, this means that if you succeed in hitting a knight and running away quickly before he can fetch you a wallop, the King has to take his knighthood away from him.
AFTERWORD
IT IS MY hope, as I approach the twilight of my years, or at least the afternoon tea, that some of this information will be of use to those people who look on me as a beacon of rectitude an' knowledge.
I have tested the recipes and hardly any of them make you throw up. As for the etiquette, well, I have done my best. Life is full of little tricks and if you're allowed to go around again, well, they don't let you take the notes you made the first time. I hope my efforts will provide you with a sketch map.
But really, etiquette is a state of mind. You never know what tomorrow will bring. It might hold a problem no one has yet had to face. So therefore you need to get your mind right for when you venture into areas where no book is going to help you. Remember: someone had to be the first person in the world to eat an oyster.
In that case, my advice is to try a nice open smile, although this admittedly won't get you far with shellfish. I do find it gets me out of trouble with people nine times out of ten, and even if it does get me into trouble it's generally int'resting trouble and leads to warm memories. You couldn't buy them for money.
Gytba Ogg "fir Nam Ogg The Square, Lancre
Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.htm Page 11